by Mara Black
And that woman loved me.
The Autumn I'd once known was just a pale shadow of the one I held now. I had loved her then, desperately, clinging to the one beacon that lit up my darkness. And she had loved me the same way too; because there was no other choice.
In the sunlight, everything looked different. I was sure, so sure, that her feelings would dissolve in the warmth, burning away like the morning mist and clearing her mind. Letting her move on. Freeing her.
And that was why I left. Because it seemed like the right thing to do.
Leave it to Joshua to know how to get a message to me - I'd gone to such trouble to make sure I couldn't be found, and it was all for nothing.
He told me what Autumn had said to him. The way she thrived, but there was still a sadness in her eyes.
And still, I was afraid of what I'd find when I came. It wasn't until I saw her eyes, that same emerald fire I knew -
Her smile -
Her endless embrace.
Joy, pure fucking joy, burst out of my chest when she held me in the field. I dropped my bags, not caring if everything delicate and expensive in the god damn thing broke into a thousand shards. She was more important.
She would always be more important.
I loved her before, but it was just a shadow. A pale imitation of the love that I felt for her now.
You don't deserve this.
The Viper pried himself free, one last time, to remind me of what I already knew.
Doesn't matter, though, does it?
He bristled.
Doesn't matter. There's no deserving or not deserving. There's just love, and you can accept it, or not.
What'll it be, old man?
He had nothing to say to that.
I knew I'd never be completely free from that voice, but now, at least, I knew better. We were a mess, Autumn and I, but it wasn't a death sentence.
We were broken, both of us, but we would be whole again. Between the two of us, we'd make up for everything that had been lost, or damaged, or crushed into dust. It would be messy and confusing and painful, God, it would be painful. But I wasn't afraid of that. Not anymore.
Anything was better than where I'd been. With her ferocity, her compassion, her refusal to let go of her grip on everything inside me that Stoker had never managed to kill - Autumn showed me I couldn't go back. The only way to do penance was to live on. To make things better. To heal.
And I would.
I would rebuild the world. I would rebuild every broken thing I came across.
I would rebuild myself, and I would rebuild her.
And there would be no turning back. As we fixed each other, the pieces would become inexorably linked. No longer separate. Never again.
I would become something new. We both would. A mosaic of so many different shards. Forever blurring the separation, erasing the line that marked where I ended and she began.
Pieces of Autumn, and pieces of me.
Always connected. Always together.
Forever.
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Appendices:
Songs referenced are -
"Circle Game" by Joni Mitchell
"One Tin Soldier" by The Original Caste
"All My Loving" by The Beatles
"Suzanne" by Leonard Cohen, specifically, the Joan Baez cover
Full book inspiration playlist is here, on Spotify.
The film referenced with the quote "When did sorry ever mend a harm?" is Love Among the Ruins, starring Katherine Hepburn and Sir Laurence Olivier.
"Orcs and goblin-men" is the origin of the Uruk-Hai warriors in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
"The Sacred Law of Hospitality" refers to a concept from George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series.
"The Knight at the Crossroads" painting can be viewed here.
The film about the soldier in the insane asylum is Shutter Island.