by Amanda Lance
“Y—you looked after me w—when Wallace tried to kill me, didn’t you?”
I kept quiet from then on.
“Hey, I want you to know I’m almost sorry I did that to your face.”
Her eyes were still on me while I reached up and rubbed my nose. The bruise was still there, but I hadn’t bothered to really look at it when I’d shaved that morning. I could feel it good and hard though, swollen ’round the bridge and still tender where her head had slammed against me. Unlike her, I didn’t heal up so fast. That was okay though, ’cause as long as I had it, I had a reminder of her.
“Been a long time since somebody got the better of me like that.”
“It’s not like you didn’t deserve it.”
I threw my smoke into the ocean, watching while her hair blew around in the wind. She mighta damn well cost me everything, but Addie Battes might have just been the greatest mistake I’d ever made.
“I ain’t gonna lie…you’re not the way I thought you’d be.”
She shrugged. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“I forgot how to be surprised.”
As smug as all get out she said, “Well, you’re welcome then.”
Chapter 10
I was getting burned.
Like all my other dreams, everything was black and white just like an old-fashioned cartoon just with hurt instead of funny. The pain of it was crazy, wicked bad—but what was weird about it was that I couldn’t see the fire that was doing it. I could see the mountains made outta tangled hair and fat, the lakes outta pus and blood, and if I wasn’t so busy screamin’ I probably puked.
I tried to smell the brimstone that you hear ’bout, but there was none of that. More just like the smell of somethin’ rotten—like a corpse that ain’t been treated right. Other people were there too, getting burned by invisible fires and screaming so bad you thought eventually they woulda gotten hoarse…
Addie was the only one who wasn’t.
I only woke up by fallin’ off the bed, startled and swearing ’til I was blue in the face. Polo had a big cupcake shaped clock up against the wall and it told me it was already past ten. Three hours past what I had told myself I was gonna sleep. Again, I swore and unwrapped myself from my blanket, reaching around on the nightstand for my phone. While I had set the alarm, I had never confirmed the damn thing.
I got up quick and ran my fingers through my hair. I’d switched the second half of my lookout shift with one of the regular crew guys—only doing the first half ’cause I wanted to do my bit. And I thought after making sure Addie was okay in her cabin, four hours of sleep woulda done me okay…
The bad feeling came over me before I even threw on a shirt. It was why I put my boots on the wrong feet and tripped over myself just trying to put my pants on. But there was ’nough reason in it when I knocked on the door to find no answer. And when I opened up to not find her there at all, I got a brand new knot in my stomach that rode all the way up to my throat. What if something happened to her while I was sleepin’ just across the way? What if a couple of guys tied on too many and got brazen?
I slammed the door behind me and started making my way down the hall, searching for any clue that she had been there. Where could she had gotten off to so quick? If she was in trouble, I woulda heard it, right?
I poked my head into the weight room. Maybe she had made her way in there somehow? “Addie?”
All that came back at me was the smell of pit-stain and bad cologne.
My phone only had a little charge left, but I texted Yuri straight off, my spelling probably not even good ’nough for him to know what I was asking ’cause my hands had started to shake.
“Addie?”
I ran up the stairs to the deck, looking for herds of dudes and listening out for catcalls. There was hardly nobody around, but I didn’t know whether that was good or not. I hurried my pace, running up the corridor and scanning for her everywhere, even behind lifeboats and supply harnesses. When I didn’t see her right away, I swore and kicked one of the lifeboats.
I needed to breathe, to get the knot out of my body and find her again. But the thought of her being hurt again was more painful than fights or dreams of hell. Still, I wouldn’t be able to do nothin’ for her until I could make myself breathe. With my hands on my knees, I put my head down and tried to make all the dizzy go away. Needless to say, it didn’t really work.
Okay, so I had to think. I hadn’t heard nothing back on my phone yet but that coulda meant a lot of things. I walked to the deck and grabbed onto the rail real tight. Ben knew I cared about her, so he wouldn’t hurt her, right? Wouldn’t on purpose do that kinda thing to me? And if he had talked to Reid, then he probably wouldn’t do nothin’ neither. Then again, I hadn’t really talked to Reid since port. And like me, I knew it didn’t take a lot to get him mad…
“Please be okay. Please be okay…”
I had a smoke in my mouth before I even thought ’bout it. Once I did though, I smiled to myself and threw it away. Before I met her, I never woulda wasted a smoke like that. Here she had gone though and reversed eleven years of prison in me in just a couple of days and I couldn’t even keep a good eye on her? I hated myself right away. She was being so good to me, so nice, especially when she didn’t have to be. I was just a criminal who couldn’t even do that right. I wasn’t good for my friends, or protecting her. I wasn’t good for nothing.
I didn’t feel how I was hitting or kicking the rails, didn’t hear whatever it was that I was shouting…only knew it ’cause my throat hurt later. But whatever I was doing, I woulda done it again, ’cause like magic, somewhere in the middle of it I heard her voice.
“Charlie?”
I stopped right away, not moving just in case I had heard it by accident. I knew it was real though when I heard her little footsteps running up behind me and feeling her hand on my shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
Her eyes were all worry and her pretty mouth knitted into a frown, but I was relieved to see her anyway. I looked her up and down to make sure she was okay. I couldn’t see any new injuries, but that didn’t necessarily mean nothing.
I said her name and wanted to say more, but my head wouldn’t work with my mouth.
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”
Her smile was a nervous twitch and right fast I was assuming the worst. “What happened to you?”
Addie’s eyes were looking into mine just like they always did, but this time they were more afraid, like they’d been when we’d first met. But since I knew I hadn’t done anything for her to be scared of, what was it that had her spooked?
“I, um…went for some air and ran into Polo. I helped him in the galley and he gave me a tour of the engine room.”
I believed her but didn’t feel any less mad. As usual though, none of me understood why. So I looked away from her and tried to get rid of those bad images from my head. “I told you to stay in the cabin.”
“Hey! I am not your property. If I want to go out and explore, that’s my prerogative. Curiosity is one of the most natural human instincts—”
“You got any idea what coulda happened out here? How a lotta the guys out here think?”
I hadn’t meant to shout at her, but she shut up so fast I knew I couldn’t take it back once I had.
Expecting her to run away, I never imagined her to move her hand on top of mine. It was a simple thing, but it made me relax and release the rail—the first of many things I was ’bout to let go.
Like a couple of magnets, our arms moved together too, making the rest of my anger fall away. It was the first time in a long while I hadn’t felt the pinch of rage on the surface, and it reminded me of being naked in front of a girl for the first time…that fear of bein’ laughed at, your pride hanging out to dry. But as spooked as it made me, I knew even then that it wasn’t all bad, that maybe it was an okay way to feel—that she made me feel that way.
“Did anybody bother you?” I asked.
<
br /> She smiled and I knew she was gonna answer like a smartass. “Polo’s whistling got to me after awhile.”
I couldn’t hide my smile. “That ain’t what I meant.”
“I know,” she admitted. “No, no one bothered me. It was like I was invisible.”
I nodded, pretty sure that my brain and mouth wouldn’t work again if I tried to express what I wanted to. Instead, I just sighed and she did the same.
“Polo said you, um—paid off some people to leave me alone?”
The ship gossip. I should have figured.
I shook my head. “He wasn’t supposed to do that.”
“So it’s true?” she said between biting her lip.
I didn’t have to answer for her to already know the answer, so I kept quiet and stared out at the water. I didn’t regret paying off some of the guys, but I wish she hadn’t known about it, neither. I wanted her to have confidence in me, to think I could handle things all by myself. I’d wanted people to be able to rely on be before, though not nearly that bad, and it didn’t feel as important as now.
“And here I thought I was blending in so well.”
Was she serious? I looked at her and grinned. “Not with those legs.”
If I had a sock I woulda jammed it straight down my throat, ’cause apparently she didn’t like me talking ’bout how nice her legs were. I almost wanted to laugh—if she only knew what I was really thinkin’ most of the time.
She took her hand away from mine, and the second she did I looked away from her, too embarrassed at myself to even apologize again. And even though I wasn’t looking straight at her I could feel that awkwardness between us—pictured how bad she was blushin’.
I didn’t think I’d get so lucky to have her touch me again when she rested her forehead against the side of my shoulder. Even though we weren’t touching skin to skin, it startled me so bad that I almost turned to stone ‘cept for looking down at her. Maybe she was messing with me, but I didn’t care. This felt way too good.
Taking it a step further, I started playing with her messy hair, laughing to myself that there was any of it still up at all. Unable to help myself, I put my nose up against her hair and pulled out that tie thing in there and breathed deep. With all her other smells, I was sure I caught a whiff of the sea there.
Addie’s heart started to beat faster when I made sure her hair thing was around her wrist. Mine went in faster too and I blamed that for why I was so dizzy. When I told myself that though, I knew it was a lie. She was what was making me dizzy, what was giving my lungs such a hard time and tearing up my stomach the last couple of days. And though it hurt like hell, it was still the best I’d ever felt in my whole damn life. I’d never been in love before, but now that I was—I could understand how people went crazy.
“It’s going to be okay, you know?”
I smiled into her hair.
“That’s real easy for somebody like you to say.”
Mad, she pulled away. “No, it isn’t.” Instantly, I could see the anger in her face but I knew it was for all the wrong reasons. Addie Battes was a smart girl with a whole hell of a lot in front of her, a lifetime of good stuff. Given how I’d been living my life though, I probably shoulda been dead already, and now that I was in love with this girl, I knew it was gonna ruin what life I had left.
“I—”
She leaned back into me. “Just because life sucks sometimes doesn’t mean you have to be so angry all of the time. Life isn’t easy for anyone, Charlie. You just have to look at things logically, that’s all; stay sensible.”
We were talking ’bout two different things, yet all at the same time we were talking about the same thing. “If I was mad, and I ain’t saying I was, then maybe I couldn’t help it.”
“At least you’re admitting it, kind of, anyway.” She laughed.
We turned to each other at the same time and I never wanted to kiss her so bad as I did right then and there.
“Why are you so mad, Charlie Hays?”
“Sometimes my head gets all mixed up. I start thinkin’ ’bout old stuff, jail, and the bad things I’ve done.” She shivered against me and I pulled her closer.
Another minute later I went for a smoke, my nicotine craving too bad to ignore. And like every time, that first inhale was like breathing after drowning. With her hair all over her face, it was hard to see her, even harder to tell what she was thinking and I hated it. Even if she hated my honesty though, I liked that she cared ’nough to ask me about The Red I saw sometimes. Ben was the only other one who had ever bothered to do that, but I knew he was only thinkin’ about money then.
I knew when she asked it, that Addie Battes cared about me.
She confirmed it when she ran her finger up along the snake tattoo on my neck. Warm and soft, her touch made me shiver and I had to strain myself to keep from touching her right back.
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s a kinda job killer.” More importantly, what did she think of it? The second her hand was away, I covered my neck up, pretending like I could rub it away like a bad drawing.
Addie pulled my fingers away though and laughed. “Well, if it’s any consolation, I like it.”
One more time our hands had joined up. I looked down at them and smiled ’til I thought my heart would burst.
“How long have you had that?”
“A few years.”
“Did you get it when you were in prison?”
When she was so close like that, I could forget what she knew about me—not just that, but who I was and what I had done. All those questions of hers though brought it back to the surface though, and I couldn’t know I would have told her anything she wanted—answered any question she asked.
“You gotta be a different person in there—lookin’ different helps.”
She shifted uncomfortably. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you that appearances aren’t everything?”
The memories were still fresh but their faces had blended together: the thin rail junkies, kids who’d go in for somethin’ stupid and come out rapists and murders, and gangsters who had better business in than out…I couldn’t tell any of ’em apart anymore but wasn’t able to keep myself far enough away from them in my head to make them disappear forever.
Sometimes at night I still heard them scream.
“Yeah,” I told her. “You’re right. Sometimes you gotta act different, too.”
I’m still not sure what made me do it. Normally, I woulda just said I was trying to show-off, but more likely I think it was just nerves. I didn’t much feel it when I put out the smoke on the inside of my arm, didn’t flinch or give myself away—like a dozen times before none of it really bothered me anyway.
What did bother me though was the look on her face when my skin started to smoke. She screamed and I pulled it away, confused ’bout what she was so up upset ’bout—why her eyes were so watery.
“Stop that!” She hit me and I dropped the smoke, her shakin’ hands taking my arm like it was a kitten who needed healing. Addie’s eyes ran up and down the scars I had on my forearm but I was more aware of how her lip quivered and tears started to fall from those green gems she had for eyes. If she got upset from seeing this, I could only image how sad she would be if I told her ’bout the past.
Carefully, I lifted her chin to make her look at me.
When I did, she only cried harder.
“The crazier you act, the easier it is to get by in there. That’s all.” I smiled but she still didn’t believe me.
“No!” She yelled, slapping my hand away. “I don’t care what the social etiquette is amongst criminals! I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore, okay?” Her face was red and her eyes wide with her own kinda rage, but she wasn’t done yelling at me yet. “Promise me, okay? I know you don’t owe me anything, but I want you to promise me, Charlie, okay? Even if it’s a lie, promise you won’t do that ever again, or anything else like that!”
Not knowing what else to do, I pulled her to me, feeling her settl
e against me when she relaxed. I rested my head on top of hers, kinda glad that her tears got absorbed by my shirt—’cause at least then I was useful to her. For that, I kept my arms tight around her and she tried to do the same. It broke me up that she was trying to look out for me, keep me safe, of all people, and I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to talk at all.
“I promise, okay?” My voiced cracked and I cursed myself. How did I ever get so lucky to meet this girl?
“I promise. I promise. I promise. I promise…” I said the words over and over, whispering them at her until she calmed down enough to stop crying. “If it makes you happy, I’ll promise, okay?”
It wasn’t like I’d never calmed someone down before—or been talked off the ledge myself—but unlike Polo or Ty, I knew I couldn’t just give her something shiny and have it all be okay again. There was also the fact that she was upset about me, not just because of me or something I’d done to her (though I’m sure none of that helped) but in all my trying I couldn’t think of nobody who’d ever cared enough ’bout me to have a bad emotion.
“Did you know that ’lmost all colors have some red, blue, and yellow in ’em?” I swore at myself again but couldn’t make my voice stop cracking. Worse yet, I couldn’t make myself shut up. “Midnight green doesn’t have any red. And the green and blue are as close as ’bout two colors can be while still being separate…that’s what this color is,” I pointed out my neck, “or was supposed to be.”
I felt her smile against me. “You drew it yourself, didn’t you?”
“Of course.” She pulled away and we smiled at each other.
Chapter 11
I started sketching as soon as we got back to the cabin, feeling inspired like I hadn’t in a real long time.
“Don’t you have…I don’t know, sailor stuff to do?” I shaded in her thick eyelashes. When I looked up, I saw her clicking away on my laptop but she wasn’t smiling at me anymore and right away it had me worried.
“You ’lright?”