by Amanda Lance
The weather was worse than before, and ’cause of it, all I could smell was the iron rusting and that wind smell that seems to bring everything up from the bottom of the sea. From what I could tell, the cargo had been secured, but there was some trouble with the spring lines. The guys trying to take care of it were wearing rain slickers, which was pretty stupid considering the swell was well over the side and we were starting to flex—something that makes even the veterans nervous from time to time.
“Reid?” I called out for him but got nothing.
I took three or four steps before I slipped on the slick deck. I was already soaked and the winds coming in from the north were strong ’nough to drown out mostly everything but the sound of rain slamming the metal sheers.
“Find Wallace yet?”
Reid stood above me wearing a stupid smile and a black windbreaker that made him look like a serial killer. I stood up as fast as I could without slipping again, resisting the urge to smack him.
“No!” I hollered through the rain. “You see or hear ’bout Addie?”
“Wouldn’t I have called you if I did?”
“I don’t know, would you?”
Another wave swelled over the ship and Reid screamed into his radio. I did my best to look beyond him but it was hard to see with the rain and hair in my face. When I looked back to Reid, he was waving to a body over to his right. “The boss says captain wants everyone under deck until we’re over it!”
I shook my head, not caring that the water and my hair poked at my eyes. “I gotta look for Addie!”
“With the two of you playing hide n’ seek around here; did you stop to think the waves got her before Wallace did?” He laughed. “Or maybe she got bored of playing with you and went to play mermaids instead?”
He stepped back like he expected me to punch him, but I went straight for the hull. Addie would never do nothing that stupid, right? I had seen her when she was afraid and even then she didn’t panic, didn’t let herself do real foolish stuff. I counted the lifeboats 1, 2, 3, 4…all of them were there but I counted them again and again. So she didn’t try to leave in that way. But I’d made her scared, that was the whole point of me lying to her in the first place, wasn’t it? What if I had her so scared that she did something even more stupid than taking out a lifeboat by herself? Literally scared her out of her wits?
Slipping and falling all over myself, I ran to the railing as best I could. I could feel my mouth moving to call her name but I couldn’t hear the sound, couldn’t even hear the rain no more though I still felt it. Holding on to the rails, I shimmied around the deck, not caring who I knocked over or what got in my way. I looked for her in every wave and all the dark caps that were only comin’ out when the flood lights shined on ’em, but like every place else, there was only the echo of her name.
Then there were arms on me. One pair, then two, and three, prying my fingers away and pulling me back until even that was gone…
***
“You can’t go back up there.”
“The hell I can’t.”
My cabin was all cleaned up now, but I didn’t wanna be there without Addie. Between Ben and Yuri in the doorway though, I knew I wouldn’t get real far even if I did somehow get past ’em. I stared at the floor, with my head in my hands and rocked back and forth. Polo had erased almost all the evidence that Wallace had ever been there and I had put my bed back where it was s’posed to be, but the cabin wasn’t even close to being the same.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Yuri sigh and put his palms on the wall. “There ain’t no way she made it up there without anybody seeing her, man—”
“What if she did, though?” I muttered. “I don’t know where else she could be. I checked the bow storage, the cabins twice—”
“Guys! Guys! Guys!” I shot my head up at the sound of Polo running down the hall. Ben held out his arms and stopped him in his tracks, making the flour on his apron puff out and fly in the air. “I was cleaning up dinner in the galley and I heard some of the guys say that one of the doors to a hold is open!”
I stood up fast, ignoring the dizziness and the voice screaming in my head. “Which one?”
“Uh—six, I think.”
“Charlie Boy—Charlie, wait!”
I didn’t listen to Ben, and Yuri was smart enough to let me slide past him and encourage Polo to go back to the galley. I ran the whole way there, my feet in tune to the blood beatin’ in my ear—but that coulda been my imagination.
Sure ’nough, when I got to the entry way of Hold 6, the door was cracked open just a little bit. I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to catch my breath, mad at myself that I was assuming the worst—mad that I had thought of the phrase ‘dead in tracks.’ Normally, I could jog miles and feel good afterward, feel better…but with all the possibilities swirling ’round in my head, my lungs felt all shrunk up like a couple of prunes and there wasn’t enough air in the whole world to make them work again.
I opened the door a little wider and it creaked real loud, taking away any chance I had to sneak up on Wallace if he was in there. I clenched my teeth down on themselves hard enough to make my head vibrate. Any second now, Wallace coulda jumped out from somewhere and tried to pummel me.
I waited.
There were only two lights beaming off of structure pillars but all the containers were covered in reflectors and half of them were painted in bright orange and green, so they were pretty easy to see while my eyes adjusted. I also knew that the bright colors would make Wallace easier to spot if he stepped out from behind ’em. But when a minute passed and nothing happened, I thought maybe I was in the clear—or at least I hoped.
Because everything was so slippery, I took my time on the slabs of concrete between the platforms. The wind swirling down into the hold amped up the noise of everything and I jumped every time I thought I heard something—maybe I shoulda waited after all.
I had just stepped on the platform when I heard the pattering. For a second, I thought it was just a part of the rain coming through the makeshift roof of container tops, but I was familiar with the drip, drip, drip sound of water echoing on metal to know better. In the joint, if you were in solitary, sometimes that was all you’d hear for days—but this wasn’t it.
This sound was more like tapping though, drum sticks tryin’ to keep a beat. And the closer I got to it, the more I felt in my gut that it was her. Those instincts people are always talking about had finally kicked in for me, and while I couldn’t figure out what was making that drumming noise, I knew she was connected to it.
’Cause everything was so slippery, I took my time on the slabs of concrete between the platforms. The wind was swirling down the tunnel though something fierce, making me wonder how it didn’t just blow Addie straight outta there and away. I called out for her ’til I was hoarse, but all the while she didn’t respond. What if she was too hurt to call back out? Or what if I was all wrong ’bout her being in there at all?
I pounded my fist against low level containers and pulled at their padlocks, looking for any sign that they had been messed with or she might be inside. Maybe that tappin’ was her inside one of those things trying to signal out for help—trying to get my attention.
My eyes had finally gotten used to the dark when the platform ended. I blinked hard and wiped the rain from my face. If I hadn’t been looking so hard, I never would have seen her.
If she hadn’t been shivering so much, I mighta just thought she was a stack of rags.
Ultimately, the shivering was good though, ’cause the dead don’t shiver and that’s what I told myself over and over when I turned her to her side. I figured it out then that the tapping sound was her teeth chattering together—her body struggling to stay warm when it wanted to shut down.
“Addie? Addie?” She flinched when I put my hand to her forehead. I was cold too, but my fingers were fire compared to her icy face. Panic didn’t come in ’til I saw how blue she was though, the skin all broken up on her lips and
the circles under her eyes so dark I had to remind myself again that she wasn’t dead. I slid my arms under her, hating how she pulled from me but trying not to think ’bout it. Voices were trailing in from just outside: Ben’s, maybe Yuri’s…but they floated over me like they weren’t even there at all.
They were waitin’ for me when I walked out with her, whispering back and forth to each other like a couple of girls. When they saw the shaking bundle I had in my arms though, they shut up.
“Ut—oh.”
“S—she’s okay, right? I m—mean she wouldn’t be shivering if she wasn’t okay. I don’t know why she won’t wake up, though. Why won’t she wake up?”
Ben reached to put his hand on my shoulder but I pulled away and went for the cabin. As soon as I was past ’em they went back to gossiping, but I didn’t care.
“You gotta wake up for me, Addie. I’m so sorry ’bout what I said before, sweetheart…” My nose stung but I wouldn’t let my eyes get watered up. “Just wake up for me, okay? I’ll tell you more ’bout coral and I’ll show you other locks. I swear I’ll tell you ’bout anything you wanna know, you just gotta wake up…”
The ice stuck to her hair fell and broke on the floor when I laid her on the bed. I covered her with the blanket first thing but it didn’t seem like nearly enough
“Well, her toes aren’t black, that’s a good sign, right?”
“I do believe it is,” Ben said casually.
“Unless one of you assholes is getting thermal blankets from the supply closet, you ain’t got no reason being here!”
I didn’t take my eyes off her, even while Yuri’s hand gave over a couple of those industrial blankets you get in the hospital. Her sandals were so wet they slid right off. And while they weren’t black, her toes were a funny looking color of blue that matched her fingers. I rubbed each of her feet before putting ’em in a clean pair of my socks.
“We need to consider how he got in there,” Ben said
“You think he’s been in the hold the whole week?”
I hardly listened. In my head I was making jokes for Addie when she woke up. I’d blame her small feet for why she always lost her balance. I’d call her Lotus Foot and ask if she knew ’bout how those Asian girls used to tie up their feet. If I wasn’t so tired maybe I woulda smiled, ’cause I woulda bet my life that she already did.
***
“It makes sense, hardly anyone goes in there between ports, and he’s aware of that.”
They were givin’ me a headache with all their back and forth. They were both in the hallway, but it sounded like the clicking of Ben’s cell phone was extra loud. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, but it didn’t help. Reid had showed up somewhere in between and the three of ’em were blocking up the hallway and chattin’ it up like it was a high school movie.
“Why would he bother coming out now, though?”
“Maybe he was afraid the hold would flood?”
“Doubtful. He’s been taking foods loaded with carbohydrates and proteins. He intended to do something other than nap throughout the voyage.”
“Yeah,” I heard myself scream. “He planned on hurtin’ us! He already has!”
“Us?” Reid snickered. I think Yuri elbowed him though, and he didn’t say nothin’ else.
Ben put his glasses on top of his head and took one of his hands out from his pockets. I kinda thought maybe he wanted to say something, or was trying to already with his frown but wasn’t sure what it was. He gave Yuri a pat on the back and walked away.
I turned back to her and sat at her side. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel Yuri looking at her from over my shoulder. Was he listening to how shallow her breathin’ was? Watching how the blankets looked like bricks on her? Her icy eyelashes had already melted and her shivering had slowed down to a little shake. That was good, right? Those were both good signs?
I hadn’t heard Ben come back, didn’t even know he was in the room ’til I heard him put a couple cups of water by the door.
“Dehydration can increase the symptoms of hypothermia—”
Should I have known that? Damn. I probably shoulda known that.
I think I mumbled a thanks, but he was already gone.
“Ch—Charlie?”
Her voice was so quiet, I wondered if I hadn’t made it up in my head. When I looked back at her, the green of her eyes was starting to show and though the light in the room musta hurt, she tried to open ’em wider.
“Addie.” I guess figuring out she was still alive, Reid and Yuri made their exit, and I was glad. Not only was most of the warm air she needed coming from the hallway, but I didn’t wanna beg in front of everybody either—though if she wanted me to, I woulda in a heartbeat.
She looked confused, and I wasn’t sure she would ever get warm again. I guess neither did she ’cause she reached for the blanket closest to her, but her arms were slow things that she couldn’t seem to control. They were still all tangled up in the blankets when I went ahead and tucked her in.
“Are you all right? I held out one of the waters to her but she pulled away from me. I shoulda expected it, and I knew I deserved it—deserved worse even, but I couldn’t help but hate it anyway.
She tried to sit up and it made some of the color come back to her face. When she realized where she was though, it went away again. I knew she didn’t want me to touch her, but with the way her head and body was swaying, I didn’t think before my arms reached for her and pushed her back to the bed.
“Don’t overdo it, Vicious.” I fixed my eyes on her even though she looked at me like I was garbage.
Addie shoved me away and scampered to the other side of the bed, all clumsy like. I was just grateful she didn’t fall altogether. The rest of her movements were slow and uncoordinated when she tried to bundle her knees up to herself. If I hadn’t known any better, I woulda said she had had one too many.
“Get away from me.”
She spat out the words at me and I obeyed like a dog, gettin’ up and moving to the other side of the room. She had all but stopped shivering now, but she was still soaking wet and pale—a reminder of what I had put her through. All of that must have been going through her head while she looked at me. And because I hated myself, I didn’t dare to look back. Was she thinkin’ ’bout me while he had been hurting her? Thinking of names to call me or thinking of ways to get back at me if she ever got the chance?
“You gotta tell me what happened.”
I didn’t think I could get them words out, but I did. Sneaking a peek at her, I could see that there weren’t any new bruises or cuts on her, but she had been gone for five hours, maybe a little longer and I had heard Wallace got sick of girls long before then.
I clenched my fists so hard my thumb cracked. My arms shook.
Still, hearing about her pain was the least of it, just the beginning. I’d burn for letting her get hurt like this, have to live with it the rest of my life—have to live the rest of it without her.
Addie looked up at me just then without an expression that I could see. She didn’t look afraid of me anymore, but not looking anything didn’t seem like a good sign, either. Shouldn’t she have been crying or something? Angry or glad to be alive?
“What do you care?”
With the way she was talking I musta been wrong about her not being hurt again. Obviously, she had been hit in the head again. She was confused, in shock or something. I kicked at the air ’cause there was no one else to kick.
“You should have just left me there,” she whispered.
My head came up and I stared back at her. What was she talking ’bout?
“You’re just going to kill me anyway. So what was the point in delaying the inevitable? If you changed your mind about the whole ransom thing-”
My fist came down on the plastic crate so hard that the lids came open. And it scared her enough to close her eyes and start shaking again. I cursed myself for being so stupid, for letting The Red take over and scare her again.
“Addie?” My voice cracked up real bad but she wouldn’t look at me. I couldn’t blame her for it, but my nose and eyes started burning up anyway, and this time I didn’t know if I could stop it. “Addie?”
She still didn’t respond to me. Still wouldn’t look at me. I opened my mouth and tried again. “Everything got so messed up, Addie.”
“When Yuri told me what was goin’ on, I freaked out. I said all that stuff, but it wasn’t true, Addie. I swear to God—”
She stayed a statue.
“I heard you crying in here and it was tearin’ my guts out, but everybody said I did the right thing. Then when the storm started, I had to go to the steering hold. But when I got back, the place was all messed up and you were gone…”
I babbled like an idiot, but I didn’t care. Addie had to know how much I cared about her, that there was someone around here in this little piece of hell who cared about her even if they pretended not to. After a while I got through too, ’cause she sniffled, reaching up to wipe away a tear.
“I had everybody looking for you everywhere all night long.” My throat was closing up and making my head foggy. What else could I say? What else could I do to make her believe me?
Why was it so much easier to make her believe I could hurt her?
“We searched everywhere, Addie, every crew cabin, the lifeboats, engine room.”
She did a half-laugh thing like she thought something was funny but she didn’t wanna laugh in front me me—grace me with a sight as pretty as her smile.
Almost right away her face looked like she was gonna be sick, and she closed her eyes tight until her eyelids were wrinkled from doing it so hard. I hadn’t expected her to not talk to me, but it was turning out to be a real painful form of punishment. Would she never tell me what happened to her then? Just let my imagination and bad movies piece pictures together for me?