“What? My life? A fairytale?”
Milly wriggled into her yoga pants and spit her words. “Better than mine.”
“Come on. I can trump your sorry life with two words.”
Milly sneered at me. “Oh yeah? What?”
“Lucille Jolly.”
Milly’s scowl faded to a pout. “Okay. You win.”
She hugged me reluctantly, then sighed and slipped on her sandals. As she grabbed her purse and headed for the door, her goodbye sounded like an apology. “Have a nice time with Tom, Val. And good luck.”
Through the living room window, I watched her drive off. I padded to the bathroom and turned the tap on for a bath. I scrounged around under the sink for a box of bath salts. I dumped the crumbly blue dregs into the water and watched it foam.
Halcyon, take me away.
WHILE I SOAKED IN THE flamingo-pink tub, a name popped in my mind like a dirty soap bubble. Capone. Cold Cuts told me she still hadn’t heard back from him. I was itching to find out what he knew. The longer I waited, the bigger the chance he’d have had to sell the piggybank and I’d have lost Glad for good. I made up my mind. I’d ask Tom to take me out to lunch today at Old Northeast Pizza. I could snoop around for Capone, and Tom would never be the wiser. That didn’t qualify as a secret, did it?
I climbed out of the bath, dried off and slipped into a yellow sundress. I was going to need as much sunshine as I could muster to make it through the task ahead. I picked up the phone to call my mother, but my index finger turned to stone. I couldn’t mash the button. I’ll call after I do my hair and makeup.
After I’d combed my hair and put on lipstick and eyeliner, I picked up the phone. Medusa struck again. After I put my shoes on. I reached over to set the phone on the bathroom counter. A sudden sneeze overtook me and I dialed accidently. I listened in hopeless panic as the phone rang once and my mother’s voice filled the air.
“’Bout time you called, Valiant. I was fixin’ to give up on you.”
I raised the phone to my ear. “Sorry, Mom.”
“Yore sister done called three hours ago. What took you so long?”
Angela always was a brownnoser. “Are you having a nice day, Mom?”
“I’ve had better.”
“Did you get the flowers I sent?”
“Yep. They’s right purty for the price you paid. Saw ‘em on sale on Amazon for $25.99.”
“I didn’t know you used Amazon.”
“I’m not that backwoods, Valiant. You comin’ by today?”
“What? Uh...no. I have to work tomorrow.”
“So?”
“It’s a six-hour drive, one way Mom.”
“I see. I’m not worth it.”
“Yes you are. I’m coming up to see you during the holidays.”
Why did I say that? Kill me now!
“Uh huh. So you went and got yourself a job. Finally.”
“Yes, I did.”
“How’d you manage that? Don’t they know how old you are?”
“What?”
“Well, I have been prayin’ for a miracle. I guess that’s it.”
“I’m not that old, Mom.”
“Uh huh. Well, like yore Pa used to say, ‘Idle hands are evil’s workshop.’”
“Mom, he never said that. And it’s the Devil’s.”
“The Devil’s? No. I taught Sunday school, you know. That don’t sound right.”
Of course not. How could I possibly be right?
“Okay, Mom. Listen, I have to go. Happy Mother’s Day!”
“Well, excuse me. Sorry I took up so much of your precious time.”
“Bye, Mom.”
“See you at Christmas. And Valliant, bring that there man you been livin’ in sin with. I need to set him straight.”
Aw, crap!
I clicked off the phone just as Tom drove up in his 4Runner. The tightness in my chest eased a little as I watched him smooth his bangs from his forehead in the side-view mirror. He grabbed a bunch of daisies from the front seat. I opened the front door before he had a chance to knock.
“Hi there, pretty lady. I’m here to sweep you off your feet. How does Caddy’s sound?”
“Caddy’s? I haven’t been there in ages! Come to think of it, I haven’t been to the beach in ages. Why is that?”
Tom looked skyward and scratched his head. “I think it’s called working for a living.”
I punched him playfully on the arm. “Ha ha. But why Caddy’s? I was thinking we could –”
Tom silenced me with a kiss. “Caddy’s is where you met Glad. On Mother’s Day a year ago, if memory serves.”
“Yes. I hadn’t thought about that.” But he had. Wow.
Tom handed me the daisies and wrapped his arms around me protectively. “Speaking of moms, did you do the dirty deed yet?”
“Yes.”
“Good girl. How was it?”
I pushed away from Tom’s embrace and padded into the kitchen in search of a vase.
“The usual. Everything said was between the lines. I tell you, Tom, that woman is missing whatever it is that makes a person...human. I don’t want to say she’s missing a soul. Maybe it’s just compassion. But it could be a soul. I’m no scientist.”
Tom winced. “That bad, huh?”
I crumpled. “Crap, Tom. I caved. I promised I’d come home for Christmas!”
Tom grimaced, then chuckled. “I meant to mention this earlier. I may have to break up with you for a short spell around the holidays. You know, so I don’t have to see your mother again. Is that wrong?”
I pursed my lips into a wry grin. “No, Tom. It’s one of the most right things about you.”
LUNCH AT THE BEACH with Tom turned out to be just what I’d needed. The sunshine and music and Tom’s funny charm lifted my spirits and diluted away the poison injected by my mother during our brief phone conversation. The sex didn’t hurt anything, either. We’d made love in my bed, then idled half the afternoon away curled up in the hammock together, watching the clouds shapeshift and change colors with the evening’s approach. We didn’t talk much. The closeness of our bodies had communicated plenty. We hadn’t seen the need to spoil it with words.
After Tom left, I went out on the backyard to gather up the pillows we’d carried out to the hammock. I saw Laverne sitting alone on her porch, staring out at the water. I waved, but she didn’t respond. It dawned on me that she might not have had anyone to celebrate Mother’s Day with. I went inside, grabbed half the daisies Tom had given me, and knocked on her front door.
She didn’t answer. I knocked again, louder. Oh, lord! I hope nothing’s happened to her!
Relief rushed through me when she cracked open the door. Even the sight of Laverne’s skinny, geriatric body in a skimpy pink nightgown didn’t dampen the comfort that had washed over me when I’d realized she was okay.
“Well howdy, neighbor!” she beamed.
“Hi Laverne! Here, these are for you.” I handed her the flowers.
“That’s mighty sweet of you, sugar. Have you had a good day?”
“Yes, thanks.”
“Well, come on in.” Laverne waddled over to her kitchen. “Did you call your mom, sugar?”
“Yes.”
“That’s nice. Want some tea?”
“Sure.”
I took a seat on a stool at the kitchen counter. Laverne put the flowers in a vase and set them in front of me. She flashed her perfect, denture smile.
“These are gorgeous, honey!”
“I’m glad you like them. Hey, I’ve never asked, but do you have any kids, Laverne?”
Laverne filled two glasses with ice. “Nope. Never had any kids of my own. A pregnant showgirl was no showgirl at all.”
She turned and opened the fridge. I knew what came next. I did a one-eighty on my stool to avoid the oncoming peep show.
“So what did you do today?” I asked, and looked around room.
“Well, I went by the school and picked up my latest sculpt
ure from class. Wanna see it?”
“Sure.”
“There it is.”
I turned around and followed the line of Laverne’s long, manicured finger to the end of the countertop. Sitting in the middle of what appeared to be a red ashtray was a wrinkly little, round-bodied creature that looked like a golden raisin with human-like arms and legs.
“What do you think? I call it Mister E.”
“Well, Laverne, you’re improving. It almost looks human.”
Laverne burst out laughing. “Ha ha! That’s wonderful, honey! I’m glad you feel close enough to me to be that honest.”
The word “honest” stuck in my craw. “That’s weird you should say that. Tom told me he wants us to be completely honest with each other. No secrets. I’m not so sure it’s a good idea.”
“Why not? Have you ever tried it?”
“Honestly?”
Laverne shook her horsey head. “No, honesty.”
I bit my lip. “No, not complete honesty.”
“Me either, honey. Maybe that’s why we’re single.”
“Maybe that’s why we’re still alive.”
Laverne chuckled and raised her glass of tea in a salute. “You could be right there, sugar.”
“But honestly, Laverne, if we told the truth all the time, could any of us stand each other? And honesty in a relationship with a man? With their fragile egos? It’s just not worth it.”
“No man’s ever going to be worthy of you, Val.”
I looked up from my tea glass, surprised by her words. “Thanks.”
“I didn’t mean it as a compliment. You’re not a prize to be earned, sugar. Whether a guy’s an honest man or a bald-faced liar isn’t the point. Any man can pretend to be something he’s not for a good span of time. A lifetime, even. If he pretends to be something else to make you happy, does that make him a bad guy?”
I had to think about it. “I don’t know.”
“Honest or dishonest, ‘happily ever after’ is never guaranteed.”
“So what should you look for in a man, Laverne?”
Laverne set down her glass of tea and looked me in the eye.
“Someone you’re drawn to, sugar. Someone you think about. You want to be with him, no matter what. Even after the love flames have died down to embers.”
“I get it, Laverne.” I looked over at Mister E. “Like they say, find someone you could imagine being as old and wrinkled as that poor little raisin guy over there, and you’d still want to be by his side, laughing together and holding hands.”
“Well, not exactly. Reverse it. Find someone you could imagine would stay by your side when you’re the one old and wrinkled as a raisin and smelling like last night’s doggy dinner.”
The truth of Laverne’s words made me sit up straight on the stool. “Wow. Have you ever found someone like that?”
“Yes, honey. Yes I did. I let go of his hand three years ago. His name was Edgar.”
Laverne went over to a bookshelf and returned with a framed photo. She handed it to me. It had to have been taken not long before Edgar passed, because Laverne still looked just the same. Edgar, however, was frail and wrinkly and the spitting image of the little ceramic raisin man, Mister E.
Chapter Twenty-Three
IT WAS MONDAY MORNING, and I was back at work at Griffith & Maas, along with Milly, Mrs. Barnes, and all the other poor working slobs of the world. I finished hauling around a small mountain of files and decided to take a peek in and see how Milly was faring.
“What’s up?”
Milly looked up from her computer. “I’m still alive. I guess that’s something.”
I smiled. Milly sounded more like herself.
“I’m glad you’re –”
“Here you go,’” Mrs. Barnes interrupted. The skunk-haired old lady sashayed into Milly’s office and dropped a small plastic cup with a lid onto Milly’s desk.
Milly glanced at the cup, then up at Mrs. Barnes’ smug face. “What’s this?”
“New policy. Random drug test.”
“You’ve got to be kidding! I’ve been working here twenty-three years and you’re going to test me, today?”
An evil grin crept across the old woman’s pinched face. “There’s nothing to worry about if you have nothing to hide.”
“Why now?”
Mrs. Barned folded her arms across her chest and raised her chin as she spoke. “You girls have been acting peculiar. I called Mr. Maas. He thought it was best.”
Milly pursed her lips, stood up and grabbed the cup. She blew by me and headed down the hall, Mrs. Barnes two steps behind her. Milly turned on her heels. “You’re not going to watch me are you?”
Mrs. Barnes’ smug face skipped a beat. “Oh. No. Just drop it at my desk.” The old woman toddled down the hall. I followed Milly into the restroom and grabbed her by the arm.
“Oh crap, Milly!”
“What?”
“You can’t take that test.”
“Why?”
“The brownies.”
“What?”
“Cold Cuts’ special brownies.”
Milly’s eyes doubled in size. “Aw crap!”
She clenched her teeth, brushed by me and disappeared out the bathroom door. I followed, hot on her heels. Milly flung the cup down the hall as she marched back to her office. “I’m not a lousy lab rat! I’m not a freaking animal!” she muttered as she grabbed her purse and stormed out of her office. “I am not going down in flames, Val.”
Milly stomped past Mrs. Barnes and out the front door. I couldn’t see my friend’s face, but it must have been bad. It made Mrs. Barnes swallow hard. Twice.
I ran to the file room, grabbed my things and dashed out into the parking lot. Milly was in her Beemer, a second away from bursting into tears. I climbed into the passenger seat beside her.
“Are you okay?”
“No I’m not okay!” Milly screeched. “Thanks to Cold Cuts, I can’t go back to my favorite restaurant. I can’t go back to my networking group, and now I can’t go back to my job! What’s that psychopath going to do next? Burn down my apartment?”
Milly rolled down the window and screamed at the world. “I hope you’re happy, you witch! You just totally ruined my life!”
I hugged Milly and sat with her until she calmed down enough to breathe normally again.
“Let’s get out of here, Milly. I know just where to go. Follow me.”
“A PIZZA JOINT? THAT’S supposed to make me forget my life is going down the drain?”
“Hey, you have to start somewhere.”
I smiled at Milly. “They have wine.”
Milly sighed. “Okay. What the hell. Thanks to Cold Cuts, I have nothing else to do.”
I opened the door to Old Northeast Pizza and let Milly in ahead of me. She looked around at the place and eyed me suspiciously. “I don’t see any wine. Is this a trap?”
Her words caused a stampede of guilt to trample my heart. In a way, it was a trap. And to mix metaphors, I’d selfishly brought her here in the hopes of catching two birds by beating around the same bush. I replied with the only line of truth I had left.
“Oh, crap. I forgot they didn’t have wine, Milly. But they’ve got the best pizza you’ll ever eat. Melted cheese is almost as good as wine, right?”
“Hardly.”
“Two cheese specials, please,” I said to the tattooed pizza baker before Milly could change her mind and bolt. I lowered my voice a notch and asked the young man, “Seen any of those weird guys around here lately?”
“Actually, yeah,” he replied and pointed toward the front door. “Over there.”
I turned to see Capone fishing through the trash. He crammed a crust in his mouth.
“Pick what you want to drink out of the cooler, Milly!” I said with too much enthusiasm. “I’ll be right back. Forgot something in the car.”
I bolted outside and grabbed Capone by the shoulder. He wheeled around and gave me a hard look that softened when
he realized it was me. He smiled and fished a bottle cap out of his mouth, tossed it, then reached out to shake my hand.
“Hey, Finger Lady.”
“Hi, Capone. Look, I need your help again.”
“I hat’n found no more body parts, if that’s what you mean.”
“No. Listen, you cleaned out a woman’s RV a couple of weeks ago. Did you find a Mr. Peanut piggybank when you did?”
Capone eyed me. “Is there money in it?”
“No, it’s got my mom’s ashes in it.”
“Huh? No. I mean money like a reward. I need ten bucks for the information.”
“Last time it was five.”
“Inflation.”
“Okay. I’ll go get my purse.”
I ran back inside. Milly was waiting for me. Her diet Coke wasn’t cutting it. “Who’s that you’re talking to?”
“I’ll tell you in a minute.”
I ran back out and handed Capone a tenner. That got the human vending machine talking.
“Yep,” he said. “I found one.”
Relief flooded through me. “Awesome! Capone, I need it back. Where is it? Can you go get it?”
“Hold your horses. I done sold it to a guy. That’s why can’t give it to you today. Come back tomorrow with fifty bucks and it’s yours.”
My gut flopped. I didn’t have much choice. “Okay.”
“Shake on it?” he asked, and held out a grubby paw.
“That’s okay. I trust you.”
I went back inside the pizza place. Milly was chomping on a slice. She wiped her face and spoke with her mouth full.
“So, who was that?”
“Cold Cuts’ cousin. Capone.”
Milly lost it. “Geeze, Val! Can’t I escape that woman for one second?”
Before I could stop her, Milly bolted outside. She swung her purse at Capone, but missed. He took off with her in hot pursuit. Fortunately, whatever obscenities she screamed at him were unintelligible through the glass. I ran outside. Milly had Capone cornered against a wall. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her away.
“That woman’s crazy!” Capone shouted.
“I’m crazy?” Milly screamed.
“Sorry, Capone,” I said.
Milly looked at me like I was from Mars. “Sorry, Capone?”
Val Fremden Mystery Box Set 1 Page 60