An intense shiver slivers over my body, and I shudder uncontrollably. Any thought of David’s attempt on my life has the same effect on me, and I’m still getting nightmares at night.
He takes my hands in his. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up, but I’ve been so worried about you since it happened. I tried to see you in the hospital, but James wouldn’t let me. Then he explained that you didn’t know yet, and I knew I had to bide my time. But it was damn hard, Faye.” Tears well in his eyes, and I can’t stop my own from falling. “I nearly lost you just as I found you. He’s lucky I didn’t kill him with my bare hands, but I was more concerned about getting you the help you needed, so I had to let him get away.”
Tears clog my throat, and I’m struggling to hold my shit together.
“Can I hold you? Please?” he pleads. Although he’s still a stranger to me, in this moment, I need to be comforted. I need someone to help chase those horrific memories away. Slowly, I inch toward him, and he carefully wraps his arms around me. I keep my hands at my sides, face pressed against his chest, with my pulse racing wildly. We stay locked in our weird embrace for a few minutes until my sniffles have subsided and the moment passes. I ease back first. “Thank you for saving me,” I whisper, wiping the moisture under my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater. “I thought I was going to die.”
He brushes a lock of my hair back off my face, and I’m a mass of conflicted emotions. This is all too much to take in. “I’ll make sure nothing like that ever happens to you again. I don’t want to come the heavy, because I know you need time to adjust to all this, but I want you in my life, Faye. We’ve missed so much time already. You’re my daughter, and I want to be a father to you.” He pauses briefly. “You’re part of my family now, and the others can’t wait to meet their new sister.”
My breath hitches in my throat. “What?” I croak.
“You have a sister and two brothers in New York, and they are very excited to meet you.”
Chapter Three
Kyler
“Here are the keys. We’ll keep your bike in storage until you return. Thank you for your business, Mr. Kennedy.” The clerk hands me the keys to the rental, and I thank him with a terse jerk of my head.
I’m in no mood for conversation.
With anyone.
I fling my jacket on the backseat and get behind the wheel. My cell pings again. Removing it from my pocket, I stare at the latest message from Faye. She’s worried about me, and I’m an ass for not responding, but I know if I acknowledge her, it’ll start a conversation I’m not ready to have.
I can’t drag her into my shit.
She’s dealt with so much the last few months, and she’s only just come out the other side. She doesn’t need this.
I don’t need this. But I’ve got no choice. This is my new reality, and I can’t un-hear what I overheard. Can’t undo what’s been done.
My cell rings and I hesitate a couple of seconds before answering Kaden’s call. “Hey, man. You on the road yet?” he asks.
“Just got a rental.” I collapse in the seat as a wave of stress-induced exhaustion waylays me.
“Heads up. I spoke with Dad and bought you some time like we agreed, but he’s worried.”
“He’s not my dad.” The statement flows from my mouth almost independently.
“I know how you’re feeling. Kev and I went through the exact same stuff. This shit isn’t easy to deal with, but your dad is still your dad, Ky. James is your dad.”
I sigh. This is like déjà vu. When I spoke to him and Keven earlier, I ended up more confused than ever. Kaden approves of my plan to go visit my bio dad, but Kev is dead set against it. He thinks I’m much better off not knowing him, but Kade understands me better. He knows I’ll always be wondering if I don’t meet him. They both were at pains to point out that James is my dad, our dad, irrespective of who the sperm donor was. But my muddled brain can’t make sense of it all.
The irony of the situation is that I’ve spent years arguing and fighting with James, but I always felt like I could count on him. Except for that one time, James has been there for me. Yet I spent years pushing him away. Picking stupid fights with him purely because he was an easy target.
And now?
Now, I wish he was my dad in every conceivable way.
Now, I wish I hadn’t wasted years bickering with him.
I wish I’d appreciated him more because nothing is ever going to be the same.
He may have raised me, but it isn’t his blood that flows through my veins. His DNA that has me wired in such a fucked-up way. It’s almost laughable. All this explosive anger inside me has to have come from somewhere, and I couldn’t figure it out before, but now, it’s making much more sense. I know I’m not going to like this man I’m traveling to meet, yet I need to meet him. To see him with my own eyes even if I’m terrified of what I’ll see. Terrified I’ll recognize myself in him and everything that that entails. But I need to do this—to motivate myself to work harder against the dark forces inside me that would happily drag me to the gutter.
I want this man to be a monster.
I want him to be everything my mother and my brothers have said about him.
I need to see that.
I need to finally have an explanation for why I am what I am.
A reason to rise above it.
Otherwise, I fear I’ll end up exactly like him.
“Ky?” Kaden’s alarmed tone interrupts my thoughts. “You still there, bro?”
“Yeah.” I grind down hard on my teeth.
“I wish you could’ve waited a week so we could come with you. I don’t like the thoughts of you meeting him alone. At least Kev and I had each other.”
Kade and Kev have stuff for college this week or else they would’ve come with me. They didn’t have to specify that. It’s a given. But I’m glad they’re preoccupied because I need to do this alone.
“I’ll be fine. Just stick with the plan. Don’t tell anyone where I’m going. I skipped out during the night, and you have no clue where I went.” That’s what we’d agreed earlier.
Kaden sighs. “I won’t. We won’t. But it won’t take much for them to figure it out. It’s the logical next step.”
I push the ignition button, and the engine purrs to life. “I know but it’ll take a while to find him, and that’ll give me all the time I need. It’s why I have to take off now. If I don’t, I’m afraid Mom will find some way of stopping me. She seems determined to keep us away from him.”
“For good reason, Ky.” Kade sighs down the phone. “Okay, but promise me you’ll stop when you start to feel tired. Find some crappy motel, and get at least a few hours’ sleep. You can’t drive all night.”
“I won’t. I promise.” I reverse the truck out of the space. “I’ll let you know when I arrive.”
“One last thing.” Kaden pauses, and I put the truck in park. “You should call Faye. Or at least message her. I’m sure she’s worried—don’t shut her out.”
“I’ll think about it. Later, bro.” I kill the call before he can lay any more guilt trips on me.
A couple of hours later, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Pulling into a sleazy roadside motel with a flashing neon sign that indicates vacancies, I park and head into the reception area to bag a room.
The lady behind the desk must be pushing fifty, at least, but that doesn’t stop her ogling me like I’m her next meal. She’s all skin and bone under a frayed denim mini and tight red tank top which dips into a low V-shape, showing oodles of leathered, wrinkled skin and virtually nonexistent boobs. Jeesus. I almost bring up the contents of my stomach.
“You be needing any of these, darlin’?” she says, shoving a basket with a pile of condoms up under my nose. Her accent is a weird mish-mash of dialects suggesting she’s moved about a lot.
I slip
my wallet in the back pocket of my jeans as my lips narrow in distaste. “No thanks.”
“You in need of some company, sugar?” She comes out from behind the counter, resting one bony hand on my chest.
You have got to be fucking kidding me?! I’ve been hit on by some cougars in my time but not by someone old enough to be my granny.
My eyes narrow and my head lowers as I send her one of my special death glares. The type that usually sends everyone running for the hills. Not this broad. She smiles—legit, smiles—and her hand moves higher up my chest. Although I want to touch her skin about as much as I want to touch a piranha, I take her wrist and remove it from my person, taking a couple steps back as I do. “Definitely not. I just want to be left alone.”
“Well, ain’t that a darn shame.” She winks. “Can’t help a gal for trying.”
I’m still shaking my head as I turn the key to my room. It’s pretty much what I expected. Worn furniture and drab furnishings dating back to a bygone era, but it smells fresh and it looks spotlessly clean. Bonus points for that.
The shower works, much to my amazement. I stand under the water until it turns cold and my body resembles a block of ice. When I crawl under the covers, I’m exhausted, but I still can’t fall asleep. Everything Mom said to James is churning around my head, and I still can’t quite believe it. It’s like I’m having an out of body experience. As if everything I heard, everything I feel, isn’t really happening to me. As if I’m trapped in another world with some other version of me.
“When I was in his room, by his cot, singing him to sleep every night when he was a baby, did you feel any guilt? Any remorse? Did you ever consider telling me?”
I never knew he did that. Thoughts of James singing me to sleep as a baby are doing really weird things to my insides and tears prick my eyes but I swipe them away. I’m not going to cry. Crying is for pussies.
“Kyler is such a natural at motocross. I never even stopped to think about that fact.”
I laugh into the silent, ominous air, slapping an arm over my forehead. Fate sure loves to fuck with me. How Kaden and Keven believed Mom when they questioned her a few weeks ago about this very thing beggars belief. All it would’ve taken was being told their bio dad was a motocross champ, and I would’ve known instantly. I even met the dude once. When I was ten. When all that other shit had just gone down. I was so lost and frightened that day I don’t even remember what he said to me.
Doug Grant.
Motocross Legend.
My biological father.
I wonder if he knew who I was. If that’s why he approached me that day at the Uxbridge track. It was one of the standard annual events, and the owners always lined up a couple of pros to attend, to help draw in the big crowds. He was already past his prime but a living legend in local circles. Ordinarily, I would’ve been freaking out after chatting with him, but I was too scared to be awed.
I turn my face into the pillow, wanting to force those memories aside.
Not now. I can’t deal with this now.
My cell pings at that exact moment, and I snatch it up like it’s oxygen. Another message from Faye.
I LOVE YOU.
My heart soars. I never thought my heart would beat so strongly for a girl. That I had the capacity to feel so much. She couldn’t know how timely her message is or how much I need to keep hearing those words. To know she understands and supports me even though I left without saying a word. I could live a thousand lifetimes and never be good enough for her.
She deserves better.
Brad is perfect for her. He isn’t messed up in the head like I am, and I know he’d treat her right.
I should let her go.
That’s the right thing to do, but I’m way too selfish to follow through.
I want her for myself, and I need to make myself worthy of her love.
Which is why I need to do this.
I need to confront the past in order to have a future worth sharing. I only hope I’m strong enough to do this. For me. For her.
My hand moves over the flat expanse of my stomach, rubbing back and forth, but the knots in my gut won’t go away. Man, I miss her so much. Not for the first time, I wish she was here. Wish I could wrap myself around her, cocoon us away from the world, and lose myself in her and the way she makes me feel.
But I’m not that Goddamned selfish.
She doesn’t need that kind of grief now. Not after everything.
I owe it to myself and her to get my shit together. To deal with my demons. So I can come back and offer her something concrete. Something she’ll want to hold fast to forever. Because that’s what I want with her.
Forever.
That thought should scare the hell out of me, but it doesn’t.
It doesn’t scare me at all.
“I love you too, babe,” I whisper to the empty room, hoping she knows. That I’ve told her enough. I glance at her message again, and a soothing warmth spreads over me like a heavy blanket.
I fall asleep with the words imprinted on my heart.
Chapter Four
Faye
“Oh, God!” My breathing is ragged as I stare at Adam through the newly formed hazy mist clouding my eyes. I have siblings? “I didn’t … I can’t … I …”
“I think that’s enough for one night,” James commands, appearing in the doorframe with a concerned expression. “You need to give Faye time to process all this.”
“Sure.” Adam tilts his head, peering into my eyes. “I’d really like to see you again. I have to return to New York for business, but I can come back here next weekend if you like?”
Somehow, I force my vocal cords to work. “I’d like that. I have other questions and stuff.”
“Yeah, me too.” He takes out his phone. “Would it be okay to swap numbers? I’d like to have a way of contacting you if I need to.”
I gulp, extracting my own phone. “Sure.” We input our numbers, and I walk out to the lobby with him. James has the front door open already, as if he can’t wait to get rid of him.
Adam stops, turning to face me. Gently, he takes my hands. “It was so good to speak with you. If you need anything—anything at all—before we see each other again, just text me. I may not have been there for you the last seventeen years, but I’m going to do my best to make up for that.” For the first time he looks unsure of himself, and I realize this is equally as nerve-racking for him. “If you want that.”
I clear my throat as James opens his mouth to speak for me. I nuke his comment with one stern look, and he clamps his mouth shut. “I don’t really know what I want, Adam. The man I knew as my dad only died a few months ago and I …” I smack a hand over my mouth as more tears pool in my eyes. Gawd. When did I become such a head case? Adam seems nice, and if Mum loved him, I’m sure he is, but it’s all so overwhelming—talk of grandparents and siblings and him wanting to be my dad. I’ve recently lost the only dad I’ve ever known, and it’s awful to be contemplating replacing him. Guilt and confusion mix with grief and longing, and my head is not in a good place right now. I can’t decipher any of it. It’s one big jumbled mess.
“I would never try to replace him or ask you to forget who he was to you. I’m just hoping you have some room left in your heart for me.” The look of longing and anguish on Adam’s face sends me into a downward spiral. Tears pour down my cheeks like a waterfall, and I shatter into pieces. Kal is beside me in a heartbeat, securing me in his arms.
“This is why I asked you to wait,” James says in a barely controlled voice. “It’s too much too soon. She’s stressed enough as it is. If you want to form a relationship with her you need to start by backing off and giving her some space.”
In my head, I’m begging James to stop talking. To soften his tone. To understand how traumatic and stressful this must be for Adam too. In my head, I’m explaining it a
ll to Adam. Pleading with him to understand that I’m not pushing him away or putting any of the blame on him. I just can’t deal with this emotional whirlwind right now.
Adam reluctantly nods, and his shoulders droop in defeat. The wretched look on his face guts me, but I can’t make my legs move. I want to go to him, but I’m like a statue, stiff and immovable. Instead, I cling to Kal, sobbing freely as I watch my father get in his car and drive off.
I don’t recall how I got to my bedroom, let alone landed in bed, but I’m figuring Kal had something to do with it. He slides under the duvet alongside me, dressed in gym shorts and a tank top. Gently, he pulls me into his side, and surprisingly I fall into a deep sleep.
I wake with a jolt early the next morning, thoughts of Adam battling renewed concern for Ky. Yanking my jeans off the floor, I search the pockets, removing my phone as I offer up a silent prayer. My heart drops when I check my messages. Ky still hasn’t responded to a single one, and I’m getting so worried. What if he’s done something stupid? Please let him be okay.
Kal is snoring softly, his hair matted on one side, and there’s a dribble of drool leaking out of his mouth. He looks so young and cute when he’s asleep, so peaceful that it kills me to wake him, but I need to find Ky, and I can’t wait any longer—I need to know he’s okay. More than that, I need him.
I need him now more than ever.
I shake Kal gently and he barely stirs, so I shake him more vigorously. “Kalvin! Wake up!”
Turning on his side, he groans, “Ugh. Go away.” He swats at me with a limp arm. “Need more sleep.” I chuckle as he buries his head in the pillow. My cousin is so not a morning person.
“Harvard? Remember?”
He groans again. “It’s too early. Go back to sleep,” he slurs in a sleep-drenched voice.
I glance up at the gossamer curtains. “It’s not too early, day is already breaking.” I grip his shoulders firmly. “Come on. Get your lazy ass up. Ky needs us, and we need to get to campus early so we don’t miss your brothers before classes start.” He emits a volley of colorful expletives while hauling himself upright, rubbing his eyes. “Go shower and change and meet me in the kitchen. I’ll cook breakfast.”
Keeping Kyler (The Kennedy Boys Book 3) Page 3