by Jessica Hart
And now Alice wasn’t even bothering to deny it.
‘Roger and I have always hugged and kissed each other,’ she said, her eyes blazing at his tone. ‘He’s a friend and that’s what we do. We’re not all repressed scientists,’ she was unable to resist adding snidely.
‘Is Beth a friend too?’
‘You know she is.’
‘You don’t treat her like one,’ said Will harshly. ‘I saw her today too. She looked wretched, and I’m not surprised, if she has any idea of what you and her husband are up to!’
For a moment, Alice was so outraged that she couldn’t speak, could only gulp in disbelief and fury. ‘Are you implying that Roger and I are having an affair?’ she asked dangerously when she could get the words out.
‘I’m saying that you don’t behave to him the way you should if you were a good friend to Beth.’
‘How dare you!’ Alice surged to her feet, shaking with fury. ‘I’ve known Roger for years and there’s never been anything between us. You should know that better than anyone! I love Roger dearly, but we’ve never felt like that about each other.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ Will asked unpleasantly, remembering that disastrous evening when Roger had confessed how he really felt about Alice.
‘Yes, I’m sure! And, even if I wasn’t, do you really think that I’m the kind of person who would break up a friend’s marriage?’ She shook her head, unable to believe that Will could be saying such things. ‘What do you think I am? We’ve been sleeping together, for God’s sake! What did you think, that I was just making do with you because I couldn’t have Roger?’
Turning away with an exclamation of disbelief and disgust, she wrapped her arms around her in an attempt to stop herself shaking. ‘I suppose you think that after Tony left, I came out here deliberately to ensnare Roger because I didn’t have a man of my own!’
‘I’m a scientist,’ said Will, who didn’t believe anything of the kind but who was too angry to think about what he was saying. Seeing Alice with Roger had provided an outlet for all the pent-up anger, confusion and bitterness he had been feeling ever since she had refused to stay, and he wasn’t capable of thinking clearly right now. ‘I believe the evidence, and I’ve seen you cuddling up to Roger at every opportunity. You can’t tell me that you’ve never thought what that does to him!’
Alice turned slowly to stare at him. ‘I don’t believe this,’ she said. ‘How can you possibly think that about me? You know me!’
‘I used to,’ he said bleakly. ‘I’m not sure I do know you any more.’
There was an appalled silence.
‘I think I’d better go,’ said Alice in a shaking voice at last, and she turned blindly for the door.
The expression on her face brought Will to his senses too late, and he scrambled to his feet. ‘Alice, wait!’
But she only shook her head without looking at him. ‘I’ll leave tomorrow,’ she said, and let the screen door click back into place behind her.
Alice sat carefully down on the back steps next to Lily. She had broken the news at breakfast that she was leaving that day and it had gone even worse than she had feared. Not that Lily had cried or had a tantrum. She had simply stared disbelievingly at Alice out of dark eyes, then had got up without a word and run out into the garden. Heavy hearted, Alice had finished her packing. Now Roger was waiting with a bleak-faced Will by the car, and she had come to try and say goodbye to Lily.
Lily wouldn’t acknowledge her presence at first. Her body was rigid, her face averted, and Alice was dismayed to see the closed, blank expression that she remembered from their first meeting.
‘Lily,’ she began helplessly. ‘I’m sorry I have to go like this. I was going anyway in a few days, but I didn’t want it to be this way.’
‘I don’t care,’ said Lily, but a spasm crossed her face, and Alice’s heart cracked. It wasn’t long since this child had lost her mother, and now the next person she had allowed close seemed to be abandoning her too. She tried to put a comforting arm around her, but Lily shook it off.
‘Oh, Lily, it’s not that I want to leave you,’ she sighed.
‘Then why are you going? Is it because I’ve been naughty?’
‘Of course not,’ said Alice, appalled. ‘Of course not, Lily. It’s nothing to do with you. I wish I could explain but it’s…complicated…adult stuff,’ she said lamely. She wasn’t going to leave Lily thinking that it had anything to do with Will. Her father was the only constant in her life now, and, hurt as Alice was, she wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise his relationship with his daughter.
‘Helen will be coming soon,’ she went on. ‘And it’ll be difficult for her if I’m still here. I’m going to miss you more than I can say, but you’ll like Helen, I promise you.’
‘I won’t!’ Lily jumped furiously to her feet. ‘I’ll hate her like I hate you!’ she shouted, and ran off before Alice could reach out to her.
Unable to keep back the tears any longer, Alice buried her face in her hands and wept.
The screen door creaked, and she could hear steps on the wooden verandah before someone sat down beside her. ‘She doesn’t hate you,’ Will’s voice said gently. ‘She loves you. She’s only angry because you’re leaving her, and she doesn’t understand why.’
There was a pause, punctuated by Alice’s hiccupping sobs.
‘I don’t have Lily’s excuse,’ Will went on after a moment. ‘I do understand why you’re going, but I was still angry because I love you, too, and I don’t want you to go, even though I know that you must.’
Alice’s hands were still covering her face, but her sobs had subsided slightly, and he could tell that she was listening.
‘I’m so sorry about last night, Alice,’ he said quietly. ‘I said some unforgivable things, and I said them because I’m a jealous fool, but really because I was looking for an excuse to hate you, like Lily, because making myself hate you seemed like the only way I could bear the thought of you leaving me.’
Drawing a shuddering breath, Alice lifted her head at last and wiped her eyes with a wobbly thumb. She didn’t say anything, but Will was encouraged enough to go on. ‘It was a childish reaction, I know, but I haven’t been thinking straight recently. I’ve been flailing round, so wretched and miserable because you were going that I would say anything.
‘I lied when I said I didn’t know you, Alice,’ he said. ‘I do know you. You’re the truest person I know. You would never do anything to hurt Roger or Beth, and I knew it when I was saying it. I just wanted to hurt you so that you felt what I was feeling.’
Alice opened her mouth, but he put a gentle finger on her lips. ‘Let me finish. I’ve made such a bloody mess of everything, Alice. I’ve hurt you, and because I’ve hurt you I’ve hurt Lily, and I don’t know how I’m going to forgive myself for either.’
He looked into Alice’s golden eyes, puffy now and swimming with tears, but still beautiful. ‘I won’t ask you again if you’ll stay. I know you’ve got your life to go back to, and goodbyes like these are too hard to go through again. Go with Roger now, and fly home as you planned. I’ll look after Lily. She’ll be all right.
‘I hope you find what you’re looking for, Alice,’ he went on, although his throat was so tight he had to force the words out. ‘I hope you’ll be happy, as happy as we were here, and all those years ago. I’ve always loved you, and I know now that I always will. It’s only ever going to be you, Alice,’ he said with an unsteady smile. ‘I want you to know that if you ever change your mind, and think you can take a chance on being loved utterly and completely, Lily and I will be here for you, and we’ll take as much or as little as you can give.’
‘Will…I…I don’t know what to say,’ said Alice hopelessly.
‘You don’t need to say anything.’ Will put a hand under her elbow and helped her to her feet. ‘You need to go home and decide for yourself what you really want, without me shouting at you and Lily piling on the emotional blackmail!’
> ‘Tell Lily…’ Alice’s voice cracked and she couldn’t go on, but Will seemed to understand what she needed to say.
‘I’ll explain why you’re going,’ he said. ‘I’ll tell her that you know that she doesn’t really hate you, and that you love her too.’
‘Thank you,’ she whispered. She didn’t seem to be able to stop crying as she walked through the screen door for the last time and out to the front where Roger was waiting by the car.
‘Come on then, waterworks,’ he said gruffly. ‘I’ve got your cases.’
‘Alice,’ said Will as she was about to get into the passenger seat, and she paused, a hand on the door and one foot in the well. ‘Thank you,’ he said simply. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done for Lily, and for me.’
Unable to speak, she nodded.
‘And remember what I said about being here if you ever change your mind,’ he added, his voice strained, and Alice bit her lip to stop the tears spilling over once more.
‘I will,’ she said. Then she ducked her head as she got into the car and closed the door, and Will could only watch in desolation as Roger drove her away.
CHAPTER TEN
THERE was so much post piled up behind the front door that Alice had to push her way into her cramped hallway. The flat smelt musty and unused, and even when she had switched on the lights the rooms seemed cheerless. Perhaps it was something to do with the dreary drizzle and the muted grey light of a wet Spring afternoon, she thought, and tried not to think of the aching blue ocean, the mint-green lagoon and the vivid colours of hibiscus and bougainvillaea.
Her feet had swollen on the long flight, and she kicked off her shoes with a weary sigh as she sat down on the cream sofa. This was the home she had worked hard for, the home she had been insistent she wanted to come back to. It represented everything she had ever wanted: security, stability, being settled at last. She had decorated it with care in the cool, minimalist style that appealed to her, and it had been her refuge whenever things had gone wrong.
Until now, she had always thought of her home as calm and restful. There was no reason suddenly to find the ivory walls cold, or to notice the roar of the traffic along the busy road outside, the dismaying wail of a siren in the distance, and the intrusive blare of a television next door.
No reason to find herself overwhelmed with homesickness for a verandah thousands of miles away, where the insects whirred and rasped and shrilled, and the scent of frangipani drifted on the hot air. Alice looked at her watch and calculated the time in St Bonaventure. Will would be sitting there now, still and self-contained, listening to the sound of the sea he loved so much.
The memory of him was so sharp that Alice closed her eyes as if at a pain. Was he thinking of her? Was he missing her?
She had thought about him constantly since Roger had driven her away. The worst thing was realising that she hadn’t said goodbye, to him or to Lily.
His words went round and round in her head. It’s only ever going to be you, Alice. Lily and I will be here for you if you ever change your mind and think you can take a chance on being loved…
‘I don’t understand what the problem is,’ Beth had said. ‘Why are you putting yourself through all this misery? Will loves you, Lily loves you, and you wouldn’t be this upset about leaving if you didn’t love them back.’
‘Love’s not the problem,’ Alice had tried to explain.
‘Then what is?’
‘It’s everything else. It’s not being sure if love would be enough.’ She’d twisted her fingers in an agony of indecision. ‘Yes, I could go back to Will now, but it would mean giving up my whole life for something that might not work out. It didn’t work out last time, so why should it now?’
‘You know yourselves better now,’ Beth had pointed out, but Alice hadn’t been convinced.
‘I’m not sure that I do. I feel differently here,’ she’d said, waving her arms at the tropical garden. ‘But who’s to say that what I feel is real? It might just be about being on holiday in a beautiful place. Maybe I’m just getting carried away by the romance of it all.’
Beth had looked thoughtful. ‘Then perhaps Will is right. You need to go home and see how you feel when you’re there. He’s told you that he loves you, and he’s not going anywhere, so it’s up to you to decide what you want.’
It was deciding that was the problem, Alice thought in despair. She who had always been so clear about what she wanted before was now being tossed about in a maelstrom of indecision that was making her feel quite sick. One minute the thought of never seeing or touching Will again seemed so awful that she was ready to jump into a taxi and rush back to the house by the lagoon, the next she would think about selling her flat and committing herself to an expatriate life where they would move from house to house and none of them would be a home. And she would be swamped by memories of her childhood and all the times she had sworn that as soon as she was old enough she would settle down and make a home for herself.
She wasn’t ready to give that up, Alice told herself. At least, she didn’t think she was…
She was having to readjust so many of her ideas at the moment, that it was difficult to know what she thought. She had been astounded when Beth had told her just why Will had been so convinced that her relationship with Roger was inappropriate.
‘It’s not so far-fetched an idea,’ Beth had said. ‘Roger was in love with you for years.’
‘What?’ Alice had goggled at her, and Beth had nodded calmly.
‘He confessed to Will once when he’d had too much to drink, and he was always grateful that Will never told you. He thought it would have embarrassed you if you’d known.’
‘But I…But I…’ Alice had floundered in disbelief. ‘I had no idea!’
‘Roger knew that. He’d probably have been better to have told you and got you out of his system, but you know what fools men can be about these things,’ said Roger’s fond wife.
Alice regarded her curiously. ‘Didn’t you mind when he told you?’ she asked a little awkwardly, not at all sure it wasn’t a bit tacky to ask a man’s wife how she felt when she’d found out he was in love with you.
‘No,’ said Beth, smiling. ‘He told me that when he met me he realised that what he’d felt for you wasn’t the real thing, and I believe him. I know Roger loves me, Alice. He loves you too, but in a very different way. I’ve always been sure of that.’
‘It must be nice to be so sure,’ said Alice wistfully, and then her face darkened as she remembered Will’s bitter accusations. ‘I can see why Will might be suspicious, I suppose, but it doesn’t change the fact that he actually thought me capable of coming out here and making a play for Roger.’
Beth sighed. ‘He apologised for that, didn’t he? The man’s desperate, Alice! If you won’t go and see him, will you at least ring him?’
But Alice shook her head. ‘It wouldn’t be fair to do that until I was sure, the way you’re sure about Roger, and I’m not. Helen’s arriving today. It would just upset everyone if I went back now. My flight’s tomorrow, and we’d just end up having to say goodbye all over again. No, I’m going to go home, and when I can think clearly again maybe I’ll know how I feel.’
It was all very well deciding to think about her situation clearly, but it wasn’t that easy in practice. Alice was convinced that all she needed was a good night’s sleep and to wake up in her flat and suddenly she would know what to do, but it didn’t work like that.
She did her best to get back into a routine as quickly as possible. She unpacked, shook the sand out of her shoes, washed and put away her holiday clothes and set about finding a new job. She filled in application forms, bought herself a smart new suit for interviews, and contacted friends she hadn’t seen before the break-up with Tony.
Grimly determined to enjoy herself if it killed her, she went out as much as she could. Once she bumped into Tony and Sandi, and was appalled to discover how indifferent she felt as the three of them made polite chit-chat
. She had been sure that Tony was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, but how could she have wanted him when he didn’t have Will’s mouth or Will’s smile or Will’s ironic grey eyes? But, if her feelings towards him could change so completely in a matter of months, who was to say that her feelings for Will wouldn’t change too?
So Alice continued, miserably unsure, torn between her determination to get back into her old life and her inability to put her time in St Bonaventure out of her mind. She would be sitting having coffee with a friend, and her eyes would slip out of focus momentarily at the memory of Will’s hands around a mug. She let herself into the flat, and found herself listening for the click of the screen door, and if she caught a glimpse of a dark-haired little girl her heart would lurch with the bizarre hope that it was Lily.
She ached for Will, for his cool, quiet presence, his wry smile and his hard body. She missed the constant sigh of the sea and the soughing of the warm wind in the palm trees. She missed the hot nights. She missed Lily desperately, but most of all she missed Will.
Alice longed to hear from him. Every time she went home, she would check for an email, a message on the answering machine, a postcard, anything to show that he was still thinking about her. There was never anything. You need to go home and decide for yourself. She could still hear Will saying it, and she wanted to shout at him that she couldn’t decide. If only he would make some move, it would take nothing to convince her. Why didn’t he just contact her?
She began to set herself little tests. If she could get through the morning without thinking about him, that must mean that she was getting over him, and then she’d know she’d made the right decision. If she hadn’t heard from him by next week, she’d know he didn’t really care and that it wasn’t meant to be. If she could walk to the end of the street without stepping on the cracks in the pavement, she’d be able to make up her mind.