“Have you considered spending some time in New York?” Caitlyn asked, a desperate note in her voice. “That is where the fashion industry jobs are, after all. Or even Los Angeles or Miami.”
“I know. My lack of motivation may be telling me that I don’t belong in that field, after all. Maybe going to Africa would be good for me. I could be doing something worthwhile, even while I’m thinking.”
Instead of being overjoyed that there would be yet another pair of hands to help out in the part of the world where help was so desperately needed, Caitlyn was filled with envy. It should be her going back.
She realized Carrie was studying her with a worried expression. “Caitlyn, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said tightly. “Nothing at all.”
She shoved the letter back into her pocket and steeled her resolve. She would go back. She just needed to figure out how to make it happen.
And how to explain it to Noah.
10
After their confrontation in the cafeteria over Carrie’s presence, Noah decided that the best way to handle things with Caitlyn was to back off. Forcing the issue certainly wasn’t working. Every time he had tried to broach the subject of marriage or even the baby after that, Caitlyn had regarded him with a defiant expression and left the room. It hadn’t taken long to realize that pushing her to talk was counterproductive. In what he’d come to recognize as true O’Brien fashion, anything she perceived as pressure just made her dig in her heels.
Lesson learned, he concluded. He needed to take his own advice and be patient and let her come to terms with their situation in her own time, no matter how frustrating he found the delay. Even trickier was tuning out Mick’s unrelenting pressure. Noah needed to keep the long-range goal in mind.
He was at the nurses’ station going over patient charts when Peyton Harris, the chief of obstetrics and gynecology, joined him.
“Do you have a minute?” the obstetrician asked.
“Sure,” Noah said. “What’s up?”
“Look, this is a little awkward and I’m probably violating who knows how many privacy rules, but you and Caitlyn Winters are close, correct?”
Noah nodded. “For once the hospital grapevine got it right,” he confirmed.
“Then you know what’s going on with her?” Peyton asked, phrasing the question in the most circumspect way possible.
“I know she’s having a baby,” Noah confirmed.
Peyton looked relieved that Noah was aware of the situation without him having to violate any confidentiality rules. They could speak frankly, physician to physician. Noah suspected Peyton also knew that the baby was his or he never would have initiated this conversation in the first place.
“She just canceled her latest prenatal visit for the second time,” Peyton told him. “Believe me, I know how overworked the medical students are around here, but of all people, she should understand how important prenatal care is.”
“I’m sure she does,” Noah said tightly, wondering what Cait had been thinking. He was willing to give her space, willing to let her deal with the situation in her own way, up to a point. He would not allow her to risk the pregnancy. He simply couldn’t. He could already envision the fight they were about to have when she accused him of trying to run her life.
“If she’s found another doctor, I won’t be offended,” Peyton said. “But that’s not what she told the nurse. If you have any influence at all, could you see what’s going on and try to get her in to see me, or someone else, for that matter? Just make sure she’s getting her prenatal vitamins and proper care. That’s all I’m concerned about.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Noah promised. “Do you have any openings tomorrow?”
“Just call my office. I’ll see that they work her in,” he assured Noah.
“Thanks, Peyton. And I appreciate your coming to me.”
Even though he was seething, Noah forced himself to complete the patient charts before he went in search of Cait. He told himself it was probably a good thing that there was time for his temper to cool, especially when Jill Marshall took one look at him and asked why he was so angry. If she could read his mood that readily, he needed even more time before confronting Cait. Their conversation needed to at least begin calmly. If it escalated after that, well, so be it.
“Just a personal matter,” he told her. “Have you seen Cait?”
“I have, but judging from your expression I’m not so sure I should point you in the right direction,” Jill said. “And, to be honest, she seems to have been responsible for your being in a lousy mood more than once recently. I don’t like that.”
Though he might have appreciated the protective attitude another time, he simply couldn’t deal with it now. “Jill, please. There are just some things we need to work out. If you know where she is, tell me.”
“Okay, fine, but it’s against my better judgment.”
“So noted.”
“She went on break about fifteen minutes ago. I’m not sure if she went to the on-call room or the cafeteria. She looked pretty beat, though.”
“Thanks.”
He was about to leave when she touched his shoulder. “Noah, I’m seriously worried about you. You don’t look happy. Are you sure she’s the right woman for you?”
He forced a smile. “Thanks for the concern, but I know she is,” he said. “I mean it, Jill. Thanks.”
“Anytime.”
Noah nodded and, despite his warning to himself to get his temper in check, he headed straight for the on-call room. With any luck, Cait would be there alone. This was not a conversation he wanted to have in public.
To his initial relief, he found her stretched out on one of the uncomfortable beds, eyes closed. Then he noted with dismay that there were dark circles under her eyes. Clearly she wasn’t taking proper care of herself. How had he not noticed that sooner? Maybe because she’d gone to such great lengths to keep some distance between them lately.
He sat down beside her. “Cait?”
Her eyes immediately blinked open and she bolted upright. As with all med students, interns and residents who needed to be alert at an instant’s notice, she had mastered the art of shaking off even the deepest sleep.
“Oh, it’s you,” she said, and fell back against the pillow. “Noah, I need a nap. Can whatever’s on your mind wait?”
“Not this time,” he responded firmly.
Something in his tone must have gotten through to her, because she swung her feet around and sat next to him, their shoulders touching. “What’s going on? Is it one of my patients?”
“No, though it’s nice to hear that you put them first,” he said, shifting so he could look directly into her eyes. He touched her pale cheek, then gently traced the dark circle under one eye with his thumb. “What about you, Cait? Where do you put yourself on your endless list of duties and obligations?”
She regarded him blankly. “Noah, I’m half asleep. What are you talking about?”
“I just had a conversation with Peyton Harris,” he said, then waited for the implication of that to sink in.
Her eyes widened when his meaning registered. For an instant guilt flitted across her face. “Oh,” she said softly.
“What’s going on, Cait? Why have you canceled two prenatal appointments? And why hadn’t you told me about them in the first place? You knew I’d want to go with you.”
“You know what it’s like around here, especially at this time of the year,” she said, clearly scrambling for convincing excuses. “The residents are about to leave, so they’re distracted. The interns are expected to pick up the slack until the new residents take over. Medical students fill in wherever we’re needed. Things came up. It’s not as if I don’t know what I need to be doing, Noah.”
He leveled a look straight in
to her eyes. “I know you did an obstetrical rotation, so I’m sure you do know the basics,” he agreed. “Above all, I’m sure you understand how important good prenatal care is. It’s something we preach about all the time to our pregnant patients.”
“I know and, believe me, I get it. In case you didn’t notice when we were at Grandpa Mick’s, O’Briens have a lot of babies. Why are you making a big deal about a couple of canceled appointments? I’m taking the vitamins. I’m in good shape. There’s nothing about this pregnancy that puts me at high risk.”
“And you know that how? Have you been examined by some other obstetrician on a regular basis?”
She faltered at the anger he couldn’t contain. “No.”
“And my finding you just now so exhausted you can barely keep your eyes open, that’s your idea of being in good shape?”
“It’s just the nature of the job,” she reminded him. “You know what it’s like around here, Noah. I can handle a little lost sleep. I’ll catch up when I’m off duty. That’s what medical students do.”
“Pregnant medical students take better care of themselves,” he argued heatedly, running his hand through his hair in frustration. “Cait, you have to know what you’re doing isn’t good for the baby or for you.”
“Noah, I will see Dr. Harris,” she said, adopting a tone meant to placate him. “I just couldn’t do it today.”
“Or the time before that,” he reminded her. “Why should I believe you’ll show up the next time?”
“Because I’m giving you my word,” she said, holding his gaze. “I’m not going to endanger our baby, Noah.”
“I wish I could believe that,” he said wearily. “But let’s say I buy that you just got busy and needed to reschedule, what about not telling me? Why are you shutting me out?”
The question clearly flustered her. She was looking everywhere in the small room except at him. “That’s not what I was doing,” she claimed.
“Really?” He made no attempt to hide his skepticism. “That’s certainly how it feels.”
“Come on,” she pleaded. “Be reasonable. I know your schedule is even crazier than mine, especially with all these trips down to Chesapeake Shores.”
He shook his head. “I’m not buying it.”
She frowned. “Then why do you think I did it?”
“Because you didn’t want me there. I want to know why. Have you started to regret your decision to have the baby? It’s too late to terminate the pregnancy now.”
She looked genuinely shocked that he would even suggest such a thing. “I’ve told you that was never an option,” she said fiercely, her hand dropping protectively to her belly.
“Then what’s going on? You know how much I want to stand beside you, Cait. I want to marry you, for goodness’ sake.”
“I know,” she said. “I’m sorry. I guess I just thought it would be for the best not to drag you into this in a public way.”
“You need to explain that one to me.”
She swallowed hard. “Once I see Dr. Harris again, the word will be all over the hospital that I’m pregnant. You know how everyone loves to gossip. This will be hot news.”
“So you were trying to protect me from gossip?” he asked incredulously. “Sweetheart, there’s no disguising that baby bump. I imagine a few people might be oblivious, but most are simply being discreet. Whether you see an obstetrician once or every other week, it won’t matter. We’re way past the time when you can keep this pregnancy a secret. Wearing loose shirts isn’t disguising a thing.”
She uttered a sigh of resignation. “I know. What I don’t understand is how you can be so blasé about that. Your reputation is going to be affected, too.”
“No doubt about it, there will be talk,” he said, understanding it probably even better than she did. He’d witnessed the grapevine in action a whole lot longer than she had.
He held her gaze. “And since we’ve been together for quite a while, it won’t take great mathematical skills to add two and two and conclude the baby is mine. I’m willing to make a public declaration about that. In fact, I’d like to tell the world. It’s only out of respect for you that I haven’t. My silence is much more likely to be misconstrued than the pregnancy itself.”
She regarded him with a bemused expression. “You really are thrilled, aren’t you? You don’t even care if people talk.”
“No, I don’t. I am thrilled about the baby, Cait. I haven’t regretted this pregnancy for a single second. And I honestly thought you were starting to come around. What’s suddenly changed? Something has. There’s been a difference these past few weeks. You’ve been deliberately avoiding me, for one thing. I know that’s not just my imagination.”
She regarded him miserably. For a couple of minutes, he thought she might remain stubbornly silent, but she finally drew in a deep breath and faced him.
“It doesn’t paint me in a very good light,” she whispered, averting her gaze as a tear leaked out.
“Cait, there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me think any less of you,” he swore. “I love you unconditionally. Don’t you know that? I want to be here for you, not on the outside trying to guess what I can do to be supportive.”
For a woman who’d been loved and accepted her entire life by such a large family, she had to believe she was lovable. He couldn’t understand how she could harbor even the tiniest doubt about being worthy of his love. Nor could he imagine anything so terrible that it would cost her his respect. She was an amazing woman, who’d been dealt an unexpected monkey wrench to her well-considered plan for her life. She might not have reached any conclusions as quickly as he had, but she was dealing with their situation the best way she knew how.
“Talk to me,” he pleaded. “I need to understand.”
“Okay, here it is,” she said. “I know this shouldn’t matter to me, but now Carrie’s talking about going to Africa with my grandparents.” She blurted out the explanation as if she were embarrassed by it, then added, “Carrie, of all people!”
The news came as almost as much of a shock to Noah as it likely had to Cait. It didn’t fit with anything he knew of Carrie’s personality. No wonder Cait was shaken by it.
“And you think it should be you,” he concluded, guessing that to be the real root of her distress.
She nodded. “Yep. I told you it was ugly. I’m jealous that my sister gets to do something I was meant to do.”
He almost smiled at the way she was condemning herself for a perfectly human reaction, but he knew she wouldn’t appreciate that. Instead, he focused on trying to connect the dots. “But what does that have to do with canceling these appointments?” he asked.
“I know when I finally hear the heartbeat and see the sonogram, this baby is going to be real to me. Up till now, somehow it was like this vague thing that was going to happen months from now. On some level, I just hadn’t dealt with the reality of this little person growing inside me.”
“And that reality scares you?”
She nodded. “I’m terrified that I’m going to wind up resenting the baby, especially right now when Carrie’s going to do what I should be doing.”
“And you think you’ll take that resentment out on the baby?”
“I won’t mean to,” she said at once. “But you know how resentments build up and then you do or say things you shouldn’t. What if I make our baby feel unwanted?”
“Cait, you’re one of the most caring, compassionate people I know. That’s why you want to go back to Africa in the first place. You’d never do anything to make the baby feel unwanted. With every fiber of my being, I know that about you.”
“I wish I did,” she told him. “But you don’t understand how I felt when Carrie made her big announcement. It knocked the wind right out of me. It seems so unfair. She’s not committed to this cause t
he way I am. She’s just going so she can get Grandpa Mick off her case for not finding another job.”
“Maybe so, but isn’t the important thing that there will be help for the people who need it?” he asked reasonably, understanding even as he spoke that it wasn’t about being reasonable. It was about how she felt deep inside despite everything rational she might tell herself. That sometimes-destructive trait of envy had reared its ugly head, and she wasn’t used to feeling that way, so she was condemning herself for it.
She gave him a rueful look. “I’m not quite ready to be that calm and understanding.”
Noah smiled at that. “Okay, let’s get back to Dr. Harris. If I make an appointment for the two of us for tomorrow, will you promise to show up?”
She gave him a long look. “If you make the appointment, is there any chance at all you won’t drag me there yourself?”
Noah laughed, finally releasing the last of his anger now that he had a better grasp of what had been going through her mind lately. “Not really.”
“Then make the appointment,” she said, sounding resigned.
He tucked a finger under her chin. “Don’t look so miserable. We’re going to see our baby for the first time!”
And if she wasn’t quite as excited about that as he was, that was okay. He believed with everything in him that once she heard the heartbeat and saw the sonogram there was no way she wouldn’t be every bit as emotional as he was. All of these other issues would fall by the wayside.
* * *
The steady thump-thump-thump of the baby’s heartbeat seemed to fill the examination room. Tears sprang to Cait’s eyes at the sound and she reached for Noah’s hand. She’d heard that sound before, of course, but this was her baby, hers and Noah’s.
She’d anticipated this reaction, known that it would change everything for her, but she hadn’t fully expected the level of joy coursing through her, not under these circumstances. She found herself grinning at Noah.
The Christmas Bouquet Page 14