Her hand moves forward, away from her butt check so fast I have to catch myself from laughing. Instead, I bat my eyelashes and step back to my spot. After I step into my suit, Josh is there to secure the back. It’s ridiculously big and uncomfortable, but I have a feeling, that despite my earlier reservations, I’m going to have a lot of fun.
“We did this on the force as a team building project. The trick is to knock your opponent off their feet and fall on top of them. Just try not to fall,” Millie tells us as she wobbles toward the ring.
“Now that everyone is set, we’ll announce the match-ups and rules. All rounds will be three-minutes in which you have to successfully knock your opponent off their feet and pin them on the ground for three seconds in order to move on to the next round.”
“Told you,” Millie whisper yells as she attempts to jab me, but is met with sumo plastic.
“You must win at least two matches to advance to the final round. Rounds one through four will be qualifying rounds. Round five, if necessary, will be a battle round used to determine who will be in the championship. Round six will be the final round and one husband and wife, not necessarily yours, will win. We wish you the best of luck. Up first are Amanda and Rebekah.”
We watch as Amanda and Rebekah roll into the ring. Gary and Bronx are there to help them stand. I pull on the rope to test its durability and lean into Josh.
“If you fall, roll to the rope and use it to stand up.”
He nods and pulls on the rope to test my theory. “Don’t fall,” he says, making it sound like it’s my intention to put my fat sumo self on the ground. I know I used to play with Weeble Wobbles when I was a toddler, but the idea of being an adult one doesn’t exactly appeal to me.
The bell dings and the only thing missing is a woman clad in a string bikini walking around holding up a sign announcing that it’s round 1. I’m kind of sad that she’s not here because that would make this display of human suffering all the more enjoyable. Patrick’s voice booms from the loud speaker telling Rebekah and Amanda to get ready. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Millie wobble over to me with a mischievous look on her face.
Millie leans into me, her sumo boob touching mine. In fact, as she tries to get closer, they rub together and I catch Josh looking at us with his eyebrow raised. I roll my eyes and earn a nod from him. “I heard Rebekah and Gary talking last night. They know each other,” she says a little too loudly because she can’t reach my ear.
“Interesting,” I reply as Amanda and Rebekah prepare to face off. Both Gary and Bronx are with their respective spouses, each taking a corner.
Amanda attempts to jump up and down, moving her head from side to side. Her feet barely leave the mat, but that doesn’t seem to bother her. She’s trying to intimidate Rebekah, but by looking at the latter’s face, it’s not working.
The bell dings again signaling it is time to fight and Amanda is full on trotting to Rebekah, but Rebekah sidesteps her and Amanda goes tumbling, bouncing off the mat.
“Ooh,” Cole exclaims as he claps.
“Come on, Amanda,” Gary shouts words of encouragement at her while he pulls on the ropes, jumping up and down.
Rebekah wastes no time falling onto Amanda, preventing her from getting up. Patrick starts his count of one, two, three and calls Amanda out by count. We’re not sure if we should clap or what, so we just stand here, thinking about our fate.
Don’t fall down, I repeat in my head over and over again. That seems to be the sure fire way to lose. And I don’t want to lose. I want to spend a couple of hours cuddled in Josh’s arms without any disturbance from the others.
Rebekah seems to stay on top of Amanda longer than what I’d deem necessary and it isn’t until Amanda lifts her head that Rebekah starts to roll off of her and out of the ring. Once she’s standing on the ground, she’s trying to pump her extremely fat arms into the air.
“Next up, Gary and Joshua.”
“Woohoo,” I cup my hands around my mouth and holler for Josh. I waddle over and help him into the ring and he takes me by surprise when he kisses me. I smile sheepishly and pray that he wins this battle, putting us one step closer to a night at the movies.
“Come on, babe,” I yell as the bell rings and he thunders toward Gary. By all accounts Josh could easily take down Gary, but when you’re ballooned out and covered in plastic it’s a bit hard to be yourself.
Millie and I laugh when the guys bounce off each other. Neither of them falls as they continue to grapple for some type of leverage.
“You know, this would be so much better if we were watching you ladies wrestle in oil.”
Millie and I both turn and glare at Bronx, who shrugs as if he hasn’t said anything to irritate us. I’m not stupid, I know men do that sort of thing, but come on we’re on national television.
“The viewers don’t want to see that,” I say. “They want to see you and Josh in Speedos while you roll in oil.” I don’t even look at him, not willing to take my eyes off Josh.
“He doesn’t love you,” he says low enough for only me to hear. My body stiffens, but I refuse to look away from Josh as he battles Gary for the win. Their match is lasting much longer than Rebekah and Amanda’s and is much more entertaining.
“You can ignore me and the thoughts going through your head, but you know it’s true. You know I wouldn’t lie to you. And I know you. I know you’re questioning what it’s going to be like when you walk out of here. Wondering whose car he’ll get into when the show’s over, yours or Jules’. She’ll be waiting, Joey. Just prepare yourself for when he chooses her.”
Bronx doesn’t wait for my reaction before he takes his fat sumo ass away from me. I bite the inside of my cheek to prevent myself from crying. He’s right, but I’m not willing to admit my thoughts to anyone. What I think about my future with Josh, or lack thereof, is my business. Right now, I’m a happy wife with an amazing husband and we’re going to win.
“Let’s go, Josh,” I yell a little louder as I pull on the ropes. That seems to encourage him because as the clock counts down, he’s energized. He lunges for Gary, knocking him down and falling on him at the same time. Patrick counts to three before announcing Josh as the winner.
I throw my chubby arms up in the air and try to dance a little gig, but my fat suit doesn’t even move.
Josh rolls out of the ring and tries to give me a hug. We bounce off each other a little and settle for handholding.
It’s round two and Millie and I are up against each other. I attempt to blow Josh a kiss with my oversized t-rex arms before heading toward the ring. Josh helps me in and I want to think the slapping sound I just heard is from him tapping me on the butt.
I stare Millie down, but she smiles and we both start laughing. We know we have to take this seriously, but she’s my friend and I have a feeling she’s going to make me suffer. She’s a pro. She’s done this before.
We circle each other, both of us not really willing to make a move. The guys catcall from the corners, encouraging us to wrestle. I’m starting to think Bronx’s idea would be much better. Not only am I sweating like a pig roasting over a fire, but I also itch and can’t reach inside my suit to take care of it. A sudden onset of panic starts to set in and I rush toward Millie, catching her off guard. She falls and I jump on top of her, pushing down with all my might. When Patrick says I’m the winner I roll off of her, telling her that I’m sorry. I’m sorry because she has to fight Amanda who has been in the corner sulking since she lost to Rebekah.
After I roll out of the ring, Josh is there to greet me. He kisses me, trying to squeeze as close as he can to me. I laugh, even though the situation isn’t funny. “Let’s never become sumo wrestlers,” I say, needing to be closer to him. He steps back so the air in our suits adjusts. Either way he’s not as close as he was and it’s all due to my big mouth talking about the future.
I didn’t mean to move away from her, but when I inhaled at the thought that she still wants a future, I inadvertently mov
ed. From looking into Joey’s eyes, she’s already thinking that she’s messed up. I glance around to see who’s watching us and of course, Bronx is. He knows something’s up and I hate that he’s so intuitive. I want to tell her how I feel, but not right now. Not outside during this game where everyone can hear us. It has to be done in private.
I try to smile, to give Joey a sign that everything will be okay, but I’m not sure she understands my feeble attempt. She turns and watches as Bronx and Cole climb into the ring, preparing to battle it out. If we weren’t vying for prizes, or votes, this game would be a blast with friends. I can see why this is so popular. It’s something I’m going to have to do with Rob once I’m out of here.
Millie stands next to us, and her and Joey pound on the mat and cheer for Cole. It makes me wonder what Bronx thinks. Sure, he’s a novelty, but that wears off soon. This morning I read too much into a situation because I was angry at how I acted with Joey. My jealousy issues are something I’m going to have to work on because the last thing I want to do is scare Joey away with my caveman attitude. She’s free to do as she pleases, especially when we’re out of the house. I don’t want her to think that she has to be at my beck and call. Although, my schedule will dictate when we can and can’t see each other. I just want us to have a honeymoon first. That is, if she’ll even give me a chance.
Before I know it, Cole is sliding out from under the rope with a dejected look on his face.
“What happened?” I drifted off into a futuristic daydream and didn’t even support my friend.
“My feet got tangled, and he used it to his advantage.”
“Bastard,” I mutter barely under my breath.
Cole shrugs. “I would’ve done the same thing.”
I nod in agreement because I would’ve done it as well. In this game, you take every opportunity that arises regardless of the outcome. We’re here for ourselves and our spouses and no one else.
Patrick announces that round three will be Millie vs. Amanda and Gary vs. Cole. Cole sighs heavily and falls to the ground.
“I need a break,” he says, panting. The heat, coupled with the amount of plastic we’re wearing, is exhausting. With round three match-ups announced that means I’m getting my moment with Bronx very soon.
Millie comes out victorious and tackles an already on the ground Cole. I look away from the moment that they’re sharing. From what he tells me, once our obligations to the show are over he’s whisking her away to a cottage his grandmother owns in the mountains of Oregon. The cottage is off the grid and they’re going to really get to know each other.
I’m not sure what Joey and I are going to do, but we won’t have much time unless she wants to come with me on location. A week after our obligations to the show end, I start shooting a new movie down in Alabama and while ’Bama may not be a destination honeymoon, when I’m not working, her and I can explore the south together. I tell myself if I keep thinking we have a future, there’s no way she’ll tell me no when the show’s over.
Of course, I’m just assuming that she’ll even want to come. If I don’t step up and tell her how I feel, it’ll be too late. For all I know, I’ve scared her away from any thoughts at a future together.
Rebekah and Joey are up next to start round four and it takes a whole twenty seconds until my girl is flat on her back due to some flying ninja kick out of Rebekah.
“And here I thought she was a nice girl,” I say as I pull Joey out of the ring.
“Did you see that? It’s like she turned into some freaky ass bird and came flying at me.” Joey’s whining, but I don’t care. If I saw whatever that was coming at me, I’d probably wet myself.
“It’s okay,” I tell her, pushing her hair out of her face.
“Can you help me out of this?” She stands, turning her back toward me. I want to help her out of her suit, but she has one more battle. I yank on the Velcro and let some cooler air in there.
“You have at least one more battle,” I announce and see her body physically sigh.
“I never want to do this again,” she states and I agree with her.
“But you want to try the oil, right?” Bronx asks from inside the ring. I hear my name being called and quickly put Joey’s costume back together.
“There are some things you shouldn’t say to another man’s wife.” I maneuver into the ring and stand chest to chest with him. I want to bump him, but it’s harder than it looks. He laughs and holds his hands up. I hate him.
The bell rings and I stand here with my hands on my oversized sumo thong. I can hear Joey in the background yelling at me to move, but I don’t. I’m trying to save my energy. If Bronx wants to run around like a freak on ’roids, I’m going to let him. In my mind, I’m stronger than he is. I’ve had months of doing nothing but working out and eating the healthy and delicious food my Joey has made for me. I’m not even going to pretend that the cake she makes adds any pounds.
Bronx doesn’t realize that I’m baiting him. This time I’m in control of what goes on in our lives. He can’t sweet talk or screw someone to get him a victory. When he lunges at me, I sidestep. As long as Joey’s in the competition I’m not willing to lose, but if I’m afforded an opportunity to make him work his ass off for the next three minutes I’m going to take it.
He stumbles over his feet, hitting the ropes first. I almost feel sorry for him and should put him out of misery, but after the way he’s been acting I sorta like this game. He’s no match for me in this ring. Or maybe he is and I’m the one he’s toying with. It doesn’t matter because it ends now. If he loses here, he has another round. I get to rest before I have to face him again. Suddenly, I’m Team Gary.
“Let’s go, babe,” Joey yells, giving me enough of a push to just finish this off. I rush Bronx and tackle him against the ropes. He loses his balance, falling backward and out of the ring, instant disqualification. I’m on to the final round and he has to battle it out with Gary, who doesn’t seem too upset that his wife is out of the competition. If Joey were out, I wouldn’t even be in the ring. There isn’t a date that could be offered that I’d want if I couldn’t share it with her.
I start to climb out to my three cheerleaders, Joey, Millie, and Cole, but stop short and take in the scene before me. Joey and I are in a stiff competition with Cole and Millie, and yet we’re friends. I have no doubt we’ll be hanging out once this show is over and I finally pull my head out of my ass.
“Round four,” Patrick says. “Millie and Joey will go first, followed by Gary and Bronx.”
Cole and I heave the women into the ring. They’ve already had to fight once, but as luck would have it, they’re at it again. I know Joey is tired—we all are—but her tiny frame is having a hard time keeping the weight of suit up. I can tell by her posture that she’s sagging a bit.
Joey falls, letting Millie tackle her. The match is over before it even started and I know Joey did that so she can be done. As soon as she’s out of the ring, I’m helping her take her suit off. I still have another battle, although I intend to lose. I just hope its Gary that I’m losing to and not Bronx. I’m not sure I could stomach that defeat.
“I’m so tired,” she says, falling into useless arms.
“I know. It’s done now. You can sit and watch.”
“I really need a nap.”
A nap is just what we need and a shower. If we can’t have the master suite, the shower will have to do. I need her, especially after this crap with Bronx.
“As soon as we’re done, we’ll take one.” I hope I’m not overstepping by inviting myself. Alone time with her is worth it even if it means I’m watching her sleep from my side of the bed.
Gary and Bronx are up next and I try to hold Joey as we watch. Losing is even more appealing now because it gets me out of the fat suit quicker.
“You know, I think I’ve lost all that weight I’ve put on from eating your cake.”
“I never said you had to eat my cake,” she retorts.
I lean toward
her so she’s making eye contact with me. “I want to eat your cake.” I hope she gets the hidden meaning in my words. I know they’re stupid, but I’m trying. I’ve been wasting far too much time and need to put myself out there.
Joey’s expression is hard to read and I chalk that up to her not expecting me to say something like that. I turn back and watch the match, surprised to see that Gary is on top of Bronx and Patrick is already counting. It’s as if time stands still while we wait for Patrick to announce that Gary is the winner. And when he does, Gary is jumping up and down while the rest of us clap for him.
Now that Joey is out of her suit, I can reach her a bit easier. I kiss her on the head and climb back into the ring for the sixth and final round. Gary meets me in the middle and leans into me.
“Can you let me win?”
“Why?” His question shocks me even though I have no intentions of winning this match, but I want to know why.
He’s acting coy. A trait I haven’t seen in him since the show started. “I’d like to spend some time with Rebekah. We know each other.” He looks around and I’m not sure why. He has to know the camera is catching everything he’s saying and dubbing it for the viewers at home. He’s just sealed his and Amanda’s fate at coming in last. I say last because Bronx’s fans will be heavy supporters of him, regardless.
I don’t give Gary an answer as I step away from him. If he wants this, he’s going to have to fight for it. The bell rings and he comes at me like a thundering bull. If we were cartoon characters, his face would be red and steam would be billowing out of his nostrils. My reaction time is slow, and he slams me into the ropes. I’m thankful that the sumo suit takes most of the brunt force and allows me to bounce toward him. We grapple in the middle of the ring and it dawns on me that I’ve never asked whether he played sports in high school.
Joey and Millie start the countdown from ten seconds. It’s now or never. I move toward him, tripping over my own feet. I put on my best Oscar face as I fall to the mat, letting my arms flail. When Gary jumps on me, I groan and struggle to push him off me. I even whine a little for effect. I could fight him off, but who am I to stand in way of true love, or whatever connection he has with Rebekah. Bronx, however, might have a different idea and I’m sure Amanda will lose her shit.
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