by T L Swan
I put my head on its side in frustration. “You’re still on that.”
He frowns. “Yes, I’m still on that—it’s not easy to forget,” he snaps angrily.
“Ok, let me ask you this. How was the VIP Room on Friday night? Did you get laid like you wanted to?”
“No,” he snaps.
“Why not?”
“Because I had you on my mind and they were a very poor substitute. That’s why,” he sneers angrily.
I smile broadly at him. The waitress comes back over to us. “Can I take your order?”
I smile and gesture to Joshua.
“I will have the soft shell chilli crab for entree and spaghetti marinara for main,” he says quietly.
“Mmm, that sounds good. I will have the same.” I smile at him across the table and he frowns in question.
“What are you smiling at?” he asks as the waitress leaves us.
I shrug and hold out my hand for him. He takes it gingerly. “I’m just glad to be here with you, that’s all.”
“Tash, don’t overthink this—it’s just dinner.”
I nod and put my head down as my cheeks heat. “Joshua, we need to talk.”
“No, we don’t, leave it,” he sighs.
“I need you to know what was in my head last time you saw me,” I whisper.
“I know what was in your head, Natasha.”
“Have you been with Amelie since you went back to America?” I ask nervously.
He shakes his head. “No, I haven’t.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“Because I don’t have feelings that way for Amelie. I told you that.” He shakes his head in frustration.
“You see, Josh, I wanted to give you the chance to explore if you did. I thought that you were with me out of guilt and deep down you really loved Amelie. I was setting you free so that you could choose who you wanted, unencumbered from past emotions.”
He sits back angrily. “What a load of shit,” he snaps.
“It’s true baby. Think about this from my angle. I pursued you last time, it was me who chased you, me who rang you. I had to bribe you with sex to be monogamous with me, I kept telling you to stop thinking and just feel. And then I told you I loved you and you didn’t say it back, not until you found out that I hadn’t slept with anyone else. I know that you felt guilty that I had saved myself for you and you felt that you owed me. I had loved you unconditionally, Josh, from a distance for so long and I knew you had a connection with Amelie.” I drop my head as tears threaten. “I felt it in the barn that day,” I whisper.
“Natasha … I loved you,” he whispers as leans forward in his seat.
I smile at him through my tears. “Loved, as in past tense?”
He shrugs sadly.
“And then you were with that girl and I still didn’t get the hint and I fought harder to hold us together.”
He frowns. “That stripper was to save you from making a mistake and having my children.”
I smile through my tears again. “Joshua, having your children could never be a mistake for me. For anyone.”
He sits back and runs his finger back and forth over his lip as he listens.
“Joshua, I was so in love with you that I couldn’t see straight and then Dad died and I blamed myself. In some fucked-up way I thought that cutting you out of my life was my punishment for killing my father. But the reality is that it nearly killed me being away from you. I was sick Josh. I died a little inside every day I was away from you.”
He sits deathly still as he listens. “Me too,” he whispers as he rearranges his knife and fork. I see his eyes flick around at the security scattered around the room. I had forgotten they were even here.
“Josh, remember at Willowvale that day I asked you why you weren’t with Amelie?”
He nods. “Yes.”
“Do you remember what you said to me?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“You told me that you were not with Amelie because you had never let it go there because you were in love with me.”
He sits back in his seat as he thinks.
“I needed to know that you were not with Amelie because you didn’t want her, not because of me. It planted an ugly seed in my head, Josh, and I couldn’t get it out. It festered until it became an infection and it poisoned me from the inside out.”
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t like that, Tash.” He picks up my hand again across the table.
“Then when I was on death’s frigging door your mother came to me and told me you were not handling things well either and I decided to come to you and we had that lovely time in the hospital … remember?” My eyes search his.
He smiles sadly.
“Josh, we made love, I had missed you so desperately, I thought you were pleased to see me as well.”
“I was,” he whispers.
“I sat in the same room as Amelie and she knew that she had slept with you just three days before and you didn’t tell me.” I put my hands into my face as the raw emotion lingers in my psyche.
He sits forward in his seat. “Tash, I wanted to tell you. How do you tell someone you love that you had sex with someone else? The words wouldn’t leave my mouth,” he whispers.
I wipe a tear angrily from my face—why am I such a crybaby?
“Josh, I would have understood if you went to a sex club or saw one of your stupid sluts. It wasn’t the fact that you had sex with someone else. But you had feelings for Amelie, we both know that you did. You made love to me knowing that another woman was sitting in the waiting room metres away who was in love with you too. Her heart was breaking also, Joshua.”
He drops his head in shame. “Tash, it didn’t go down how you think it did. I was mortified. I stopped it halfway through. I will never forgive myself for doing that to us. But I needed you to forgive me, and at a time when I needed you to prove your words and love me unconditionally, you turned your back on me.”
I shake my head. “No baby, I was right there with you with a broken heart but I had to give you that choice and I knew that if you knew I was still in love with you, you would not have left. I never turned my back on you. I would never do that. I couldn’t speak to you because I knew if I did I would tell you that I loved you and that everything was going to be alright.”
He sits back again and frowns as he thinks.
I grab his hand in desperation. “I am still in love with you, Joshua … more than anything I want us to work at getting back together.” My eyes search his and he drops his head.
“Tash, I can’t.”
“Here we are.” The entrees arrive, and we both sit back in a rush. The waitress puts them on the table and leaves us alone.
“Baby, no pressure. I just want us to spend some time together, and see what happens.” I smile as I put my hand on his forearm.
He puts a spoonful of his crab into his mouth. “The only relationship I am interested in is a sexual one.”
I pick up a lemon from the table. My eyes widen. “What?” I whisper.
“I don’t want a relationship with you but I am happy to have some fun,” he says, void of emotion.
Horror dawns. “You’re happy to have some fun.” I repeat with my lemon in midair. “Joshua I’m not interested in that kind of relationship. I can get sex from anybody. I want love from you, not to be your fuck buddy,” I whisper angrily.
He sits back and shrugs as he shovels in another mouthful of food.
Of all the nerve, I’m here laying my heart out on a platter and he’s thinking about his frigging dick. What an asshole! He might just be wearing that soft shell crab in a minute.
“Take it or leave it,” he snaps.
“Leave it,” I reply angrily as I start to eat at double time.
“And while you’re pissing me off,” I snap, “why didn’t you tell me about the idiot that is trying to kill you?”
He narrows his eyes at me.
“Ok, while you’re pissing me off what has
happened to make you have three security guards now?” he snaps.
I glare at him. “Well, if you must know, it could be a simple robbery or it could be some lunatic murderer Coby Allender from jail whose accomplice maybe broke into my house and stole my vibrator and underwear.” I stick my fork into my lemon so far that it squirts me in the eye. Fuck, I rub my eye as it starts to burn.
He chuckles at my misfortune. “Not funny,” I snap as I rub my eye.
“So how do you know this lunatic has your vibrator?” He takes a bite off his fork.
I fake a smile. “Because he told everybody in the jail and described it to me.”
He sits back in a rush and rubs his face. “Does Max know about this?” he frowns.
“Yes,” I answer as I start to eat again. I could be blinded tomorrow from that bloody lemon—my eye is burning like a flaming volcano.
I point my fork at him. “And while we are at it, you will be apologising to Max tomorrow for being such a wanker the other night.”
He throws his napkin onto the table. “I will be doing nothing of the sort. He should have brought you to me in America. He works for me.”
I roll my eyes. “Excuse me, Captain America, newsflash. He was helping me seeing he is my bodyguard. So do not start your shit with me. Apologise tomorrow.”
“I see you’re still on your medication,” he says dryly.
I hold my head to the side. “What medication?” I snap.
“Bitch pills.” He smiles.
For some stupid reason I giggle. “Shut up. I can’t believe you think I will be your booty call.”
He smiles darkly at me. “I more than believe it. I will place money on it.”
“You’re hopeless on the punt,” I snap as I shovel a forkful of food in my mouth.
He smiles broadly. “Actually I am pretty good on the punt, if you must know.” He wipes his mouth with a napkin.
I wave my fork in the air as I speak. “I am not being your booty call. If you want to leave the door open for us to repair our relationship, then that’s great. If you want sex only, go back to the VIP Room,” I sneer. Stick to your guns Tash, stick to your guns.
“Ok. Deal,” he says dryly.
I frown at him. “What do you mean—Ok deal?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “Ok, point taken.”
“Ok, point taken we are going to work on our relationship? Or Ok point taken you are going back to the VIP Room?” I frown.
“Point taken, I am going back to the VIP Room.” His eyes penetrate mine.
My fury ignites and right between his eyes is looking like a good bull’s eye target for my fork to be hurled at him.
I pick up my Diet Coke and start to scull it. I drink the whole thing and slam it back on the table.
He raises his eyebrows as he chews his food. “Thirsty?”
“Yes,” I snap. “Like a camel.”
He smirks and keeps chewing. I need a comeback. Quick, think of a comeback.
“Ok fine then, if we are not going to try and work on our relationship I may as well go back to the massage parlour and take up some of the optional extras.” I put some food in my mouth and smirk. Take that, asshole.
His knife and fork hit the plate with a clang. “Is that a threat?” he sneers as he leans into the table.
I sit forward and fake a smile. “No, that’s a promise.”
“Listen here, you,” he growls. “I will not be held to ransom over our fucked-up relationship. You left me, not the other way around, and now you think you can click your fingers and I will run back to you happily. Snap out of it, this isn’t the fucking Notebook Natasha, there will be no happy ever after. I have been with several women since we broke up, so don’t start your shit with me.”
I sit back in shock and drop my head as tears fill my eyes.
“Sorry I shouldn’t have said that,” he whispers as he senses my hurt. “I didn’t mean to say that.”
I nod as the stupid tears start to fall. I keep my head down and don’t make eye contact with him. He’s been with several women since me, of course he has. I wipe my eyes angrily as hurt rips through me.
He reaches over and picks up my hand. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to say that. It fucks with my head thinking of you in that massage parlour, don’t say things like that.”
I keep my head down, I can’t even look at him. He’s right, this relationship is totally fucked up, who was I kidding?
“It’s ok,” I whisper through my hurt.
“No, it’s not. I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I nod and slowly continue eating my food. What I would really like to do is drop my face in my plate like a pig and slurp everything down in one second flat.
I stay silent through the main while never making eye contact with him. He watches me intently.
He grabs my hand affectionately and rubs his thumb over the back of my fingers. “Tash, don’t be upset, I didn’t mean to say that. They mean nothing to me.”
I nod again while looking down. If I don’t stay strong now we will never have a future together, I know that for sure.
“Tash, baby, talk to me. I can’t stand it when you’re upset like this.”
I shake my head, I can’t talk because if I do I will probably scream and lie on the floor in a two-year-old tantrum while trying to kick him.
“It’s ok, Josh. I get it,” I whisper as I wipe my mouth and fold my napkin while looking down.
“Get what?” he asks.
My eyes flick around to the bodyguards scattered around the room pretending not to look at us.
“I get why you don’t want to be with me, it’s ok.”
“What do you think you get?” he frowns.
I shrug. “Look, let’s not drag this through the mud any further. It’s not the Notebook right.” I scratch the back of my neck in frustration. “Let’s go home.” I look around the restaurant to escape his gaze.
“But you haven’t had dessert,” he says quietly.
“I’ve lost my appetite. Can you take me home please?” I lean down and pick up my bag from under the table. I take out my phone and check it.
He sits still, watching me. “I didn’t mean to say that about the other girls, ok.”
I nod and look down. “But you did, so let’s just leave it there.”
“What do you think you get?”
My eyes meet his. “I’m not a supermodel or gorgeous. I don’t do coke or gangbangs. I’m smart and geeky and I hold making love as something sacred that happens between two people who are in love. I’m still in love with you and you are not in love with me. I have told you that I want to work on us and spend some time together and you are not interested. That’s what I get.”
His eyes hold mine. “But you are gorgeous.”
I look down at my lap. “Obviously not enough, Josh. Let’s go.” I stand in a rush and gesture to my bodyguard toward the door. He nods and starts to exit the restaurant.
I stand quietly as I wait for Joshua to pay. He turns and smiles nervously at me.
“Let’s go,” he smiles as he puts his arm around me and ushers me out the door.
I don’t speak on the car trip home and he is babbling, something about horses and then some project at work. Then he is onto Cameron and Wilson. I just sit still and stare out the window as I listen. He’s unusually talkative and I am unusually quiet.
We get to my house and he parks the car. I turn to him. “Thank you, I will see you later.” I get out of the car in a rush.
He gets out also. “I will walk you up.”
“No, that’s not necessary. I’m fine.” I walk to my apartment in silence with him following me. What is he doing?
We get to my door and I open it and turn. “Thanks.” I give him a small smile. “I will see you at the hospital sometime.” He storms into my apartment. I roll my eyes and follow him in. Great, now he wants to fuck with my head even further. Of course he does, how stupid of me!
I put my keys on the bench and he
ad to my kitchen. I put the kettle on.
“Tea please,” he calls from the lounge room.
What the hell is he playing at? I really want him to leave. Go back to the VIP Room, asshole.
Five minutes later I enter the lounge room with two cups of tea. “Here you are.” I place the two cups on the coffee table and my eyes flick to him. He has taken his shoes off and is lying on the lounge watching television. Hmm, what now?
I kick my shoes off and sit on the opposite lounge and tuck my feet under my legs. I sip my tea and pretend to watch television.
“For the record, the reasons that you think I don’t want you are the exact reasons I do want you,” he says flatly.
I look down and sip my tea as I nod. Now he wants me, what the hell is going on here? I don’t think he even knows.
“Why are you acting so weird? This isn’t like you. You normally scream at me and fight with me. Why are you being so … controlled?” he asks.
I shrug as my eyes lift to meet his. “Because I’m not doing it again.”
He frowns. “Doing what again?”
“I’m not begging you to be with me, forcing you to be monogamous, screaming like a teenager to get my own way.”
He frowns.
“Josh, one of the reasons I needed time away from you is because I needed time to grow up. I was so crazily in love with you that in our previous relationship I acted like an immature child. I thought I could hold you with tantrums and constant fighting. I was sick with insecurity and jealous all the time, constantly questioning myself about whether you really loved me or not.”
He frowns as he looks at me and listens.
“The reason I can’t be your booty call is because I am desperately in love with you and I know I am not strong enough for you to walk out that door in the morning and not know if I am going to hear from you again or not. I already know I can’t do that.”
He drops his head as he thinks.
“Josh, I know I messed up here and I’m sorry. I should never have pushed you away both of the times that I did. The first time I was out of my head with grief and then, second time, I did it so we could have a real crack at a future together. You would have gotten so sick of the insecure jealous girlfriend constantly fighting with you over every stupid thing that you would have left me anyway in the long run. Joshua, any woman who comes into your world needs to be strong enough to take it on. I wasn’t back then.”