by T L Swan
He narrows his eyes. “Thanks for your confidence but I’m thinking I might kill him instead.”
My eyes widen in horror. “Jesten, I mean it, you have no idea how crazy he can get. When you told me to think of you when I had sex with him, he went berko.” I swallow nervously.
He smirks. “Can’t wait to bait him again.”
Oh. My. God.
“So did you?” he smiles.
I frown at him. “Huh?”
“Did you think of me when you had sex?”
“You’re deluded.” I shake my head. “No. Definitely not.”
He fake punches his fist again as he smiles.
If I tell Jesten that I am trying to get back together with Josh he will go crazy and try to kill him and if I don’t tell him he is going to try and kill him anyway. Who am I kidding? Joshua will kill him first in either situation. I put my head in my hands as I try to think of a solution to this dilemma. Shit, shit, shit. This is a frigging nightmare.
My phone beeps a text and I look at the screen. Joshua. I smile broadly.
What are you doing?
My stomach drops and I look around nervously. Shit, is that a trick question? Have the bodyguards told him I am having lunch with a man and told on me. I swallow nervously and text back.
Having lunch with a friend.
What are you doing?
I nervously wait for a reply.
“Have you heard from him?” Jesten asks.
I glance back at my phone as I wait for his text. “Huh who?” I mumble.
“Your ex-boyfriend.”
My eyes snap up from my phone to look at Jes. Shit, another trick question. If I tell him before the fight that I have been seeing Joshua it will only make him angrier.
“Umm, you know, not really.” Why am I such a terrible liar?
He frowns at me. “What does that mean?”
My phone beeps a text and my eyes flick to the screen. Joshua.
Just thinking about how hot you were last night.
My face nearly splits open with glee.
“Huh?” he asks again.
I frown, oh shut up, you’re annoying me. I want to be sexting Joshua right now.
“Jes, I don’t go out with anyone who cage fights. End of story.” I stand. “I need to get back to work,” I say nervously.
“I’ll walk you back.” He gestures to the door and follows me out of the restaurant.
My eyes flick to the bodyguard who is with Max, who is he? And what is he thinking? Is he a snitch?
We get back to work and Jesten grabs me affectionately in an embrace. I stand rigid and evasive as I feel the glare of others on my back.
“Tash, I want to take you on a date,” he whispers into the top of my head.
Huh? What the hell? I pull back. “Jesten, you want to sleep with me and I am not that kind of girl.”
He smiles. “Can’t you be that kind of girl for one night? We would be so good together?”
“Seriously, Jes, go out with someone else. I am not interested in you that way.” With that I break out of his grip and punch him playfully in the stomach. I turn and walk into the hospital and immediately take out my phone. Right, back to more important things. I sit in the foyer as I think what to text back. I narrow my eyes as I look at the ceiling deep in thought. Joshua is telling me that he wants sex only but after the tenderness last night I now know that’s just not true. And the whole wanting me to stay at Mum’s to keep me safe thing is his way of over-the-top caring, so he has blown the not-caring act out the window as well. Do I want to push him for some kind of communication with me about our relationship or should I just play along and not scare him off? I know he cares for me and I don’t feel anything but affection when I am with him. Let’s just see what happens. I smile and text back.
It was you who was hot Mr Stanton.
Is this a disguised booty call?
I bite my lip and wait.
Totally
I smile again and text.
I’m thirty, seventy wanting to see you tonight
What’s your closing argument?
I smile as I wait for a reply.
Meeting just started.
Got to go.
Ring you later.
X
I smile at my phone. He’s ringing me later. This is going very well indeed.
It’s 11 pm and I am in Tatiana’s office doing a backup of the hard drives for the company’s computer systems before we close them down. Adrian and Alex are in the office next door and the offices are dead silent and deserted. Why did I agree to do this shit job? The security guards are outside and I have allocated extra staff to watch over Tash at her mother’s house. I haven’t had a minute alone to call her back yet.
Tatiana has been fawning over me all day. Why does she have to be so damn attractive? It’s very … distracting. I narrow my eyes at the screen when I see in my peripheral vision her stretch out next to me. She’s wearing a skin-tight black secretary number that’s low cut with the biggest cleavage I have seen and I know she has a suspender belt on underneath it. Adrian pointed it out earlier when he was making fun of her.
“Would you mind if I stretched out on this desk and had a little nap?” she purrs.
I keep my eyes on the screen. “Not at all.” Void of emotion.
She’s been giving me double-meaning phrases all day. This is sexual innuendo at its best.
“So are you still with your girlfriend?” she asks.
“Wife actually,” I murmur as I keep typing, my eyes not leaving the screen.
“Hmm,” she replies. “You don’t seem like the marrying type.”
I raise my eyebrows, just fuck off and let me finish this job. “Why do you say that?”
She fakes a laugh. “Don’t you remember how you were dancing with me at the wedding? That was no married man dance.”
I roll my eyes. “I was trying to make my wife jealous actually.”
“Hmm. Does she get jealous very often?” she purrs again.
My eyes flick to her and she is practically lying across the desk and she has unbuttoned her two top buttons. Fuck.
I look back at the screen nervously. I need to get out of here.
“You know I never understand why someone would want to get married and tie themselves to one person when there is so much pleasure to have in other beds.”
I swallow. “Really,” I answer flatly. I’m not having this conversation with her.
“You know, I was wondering,” she runs her hand up my arm, “seeing as we are going to be working all crazy hours while we do this upgrade, if we should try to get to know each other more intimately … if you know what I mean?” She slowly licks her lips and leans over me.
“No one will ever know.”
Chapter 20
I sit back on the lounge at Mum’s and look at my watch for what must be the hundredth time today. 11.15 pm. Joshua didn’t call me back like he said he would. He’s probably just been busy. That’s the logic talking, but my stupid mind is back in overdrive, and I can’t help but wonder if he knew I was having lunch with Jes and was just texting me to distract me and now he is not ringing me to punish me. He told me he only wanted sex and I said I wouldn’t be his booty call and yet I have been nearly just that. What the fuck am I doing? Am I imagining the chemistry between us—is it still even there? Is it wishful thinking? Why do I do this to myself? The new improved non- drama-queenish version of myself is not supposed to think like this. I rub my eyes in frustration and fatigue. I’m tired from all my prick-teasing antics last night.
“Do you want another cuppa love?” Mum asks as she stands and stretches.
I nod and smile. “Yes and then I’m off to bed.” I look at my watch. 11.25 pm, hmm.
“Are you waiting for something?” she frowns. “You keep looking at your watch.”
I roll my eyes shamefully and blow out a breath. “Hmm, yeah, Josh said he was going to call me and he hasn’t so … I don’t know.” I shrug
my shoulders. “Who knows what’s going on, Mum, it’s like frigging Dynasty around here.”
She smiles warmly. “He rang me this morning.”
“Huh? Who? Josh?” I frown.
She nods and looks wide eyed at me at me and walks into the kitchen.
“Why did he ring you and not me?” I ask as I put my hands on my hips in annoyance and follow her.
“He wanted to make sure you could stay here.” She starts to make the tea and pours the water into the cups.
I screw up my face. “Oh what next? He’s a control freak,” I snap.
“Why in the hell does he think it is ok to ring my mother and ask if she can babysit me? I’m not a child?”
She takes her tea and walks back into the lounge room. I reluctantly follow her.
“What did he say anyway?” I ask as I frown. This is bullshit, mindfuck Stanton at his best.
“He told me that he has stayed at your house for the last couple of nights with you.”
My eyes widen. “He did?” I whisper.
“And he told me that he couldn’t stay with you for the next few nights because he had to work so would it be ok if you stayed with me.”
I screw up my face again. “He’s lost the plot,” I snap.
“I am safe at home. Why does he think someone is going to get me? He’s becoming paranoid,” I huff.
She smiles again. “He’s not worried about someone getting you, love. He didn’t want you home alone in case you had a nightmare. He couldn’t stand the thought of you being home alone and scared.”
My mouth drops open as I am rendered speechless. “What?” I whisper.
I bite my lip to stifle the huge grin that is threatening to split my face open. “He said that?” I ask.
She nods and sips her tea.
I put my hand up to my mouth and think. “He still loves me, he wouldn’t even think of that if he didn’t love me.”
“That’s what I was thinking, love.” She raises her eyebrows.
“I didn’t know that,” I whisper through my smile.
“Why don’t you ring him now? I’m sure he has just been tied up at work and time has gotten away from him. Ask him to come over when he finishes if you want.”
I smile and stand. “Thanks Mum.” I give her a kiss on the cheek. “I will.”
I sit back in my seat, affronted, and run my pointer over my lips as I think. “No one will ever know, you say.”
She smiles and leans over me further. “It’s a crime for a man as virile as you to only satisfy one woman. Nature didn’t intend it to be that way. That is why he gave men like you a roving eye and uncontrollable lust. One woman would never be able to satisfy a man like you, Joshua, we both know that.”
I run my tongue over my top teeth.
“You think I have a roving eye?” I ask.
She nods slowly as she smiles. “The way you danced with me at the wedding, the way you looked at me this morning in this dress. I can tell that you want me and my body.” She slowly runs her finger down her clavicle and over her breast.
I frown as I think. Is that how I come across, as having a roving eye?
“You’re an attractive woman, a man would have to be dead not to notice you,” I say flatly as I turn back to my computer screen.
“You normally do more than notice though, don’t you Joshua?”
I stop dead in my tracks, how does she know that? It turns my stomach to think she has only known me since I have been with Natasha and yet she has nailed me in one. Have I given Natasha a reason to be insecure? My mind flicks back to the wedding and how I handled my jealousy that night.
She leans over me and gently kisses the side of my face. “No one will know,” she whispers in my ear as she runs her hand down the side of my face.
I grab her hand midair. “I will know,” I sneer as my eyes lock on hers.
“It’s natural, Joshua, just go with it,” she purrs.
I frown at her. “I’m not the man you think I am, get out of this office or I am walking right now.”
She pulls back. “Joshua, don’t be like that. I am just being honest.”
I glare at her. “While we are being honest, I don’t play up on my wife. I am not that man anymore. Get out of my sight,” I shake my head in frustration.
She stands angrily. “We’ll see, you will be begging for sex any day now.”
Adrian comes to the door. “Is everything ok in here?” He looks around and frowns at the tension in the room.
I start to retype. “Adrian, can you please escort this trollop out of the office. I won’t be needing any further assistance from her.” My eyes flick to him.
He smiles broadly at me. “I’d love to.” He gives me a wink.
I sit in the quiet of the office and drink my coffee alone as I wait for the hard drive systems to back up half an hour later. My mind keeps rerunning over the conversation with Tatiana. One woman would never be able to satisfy you, you have a roving eye. The way that you looked at me this morning, the way you danced with me at the wedding. Is she right? Am I such an ingrained player that I don’t even know when I am doing it anymore? My mind goes to Natasha—have I made her feel insecure? That was never my intention, she had me completely. Up until half an hour ago I blamed her totally for our break up and now … I’m completely confused. I think back to the conversation in the car at Willowvale that I had with Natasha about Amelie. I hardly remember what was said and yet Tash knows the conversation word for word. Did I really say that I wasn’t with Amelie because of her? I thought it was obvious to everyone that I didn’t want Amelie … but then even Amelie thought I wanted her, so of course Tash would think that too. I put my head in my hands as I
try to think this through. The other night at dinner I watched Natasha cry and tell me that she loved me and yet I told her I only wanted sex from her. Of course she doubts me, I doubt myself. Why in the hell would I do that to her and then go home and cuddle her all night, in fact every night since. I put my head into my hands on the desk. I’m confused. I can’t be brought to my knees by her again. I break into a cold sweat just thinking of how dark those days were.
But then when I’m with her … she’s so perfect … we are perfect. She radiates this inner honesty but I don’t know if that is because I am so blinded by my feelings for her that I only see what I want to see. How could someone so gentle and loving break me three times and not care … but then … have I caused her to feel insecure and hurt?
Have I bought this hurt on myself?
Why in the hell did I let myself sleep with Amelie and then not tell Tash about it? And the money—was Amelie telling the truth about Natasha bringing up money in their argument?
I sit back in my chair and put the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.
“You ok in here?” Adrian stands at the door and smiles warmly.
I nod. “Can I ask you something Murph?”
“Sure.” He walks in and takes a seat next to me.
“Do you think I give off the vibe that I’m on the market?”
He smiles. “Yes, definitely.”
I frown. “If I was going out with you, would you be insecure?”
He smiles and raises his eyebrows. “Most definitely.”
I sit back in frustration and bite on my thumbnail. “Do you think that I honestly love Natasha?”
He smiles as he puts his hand on my shoulder. “Without a doubt. What’s going on?”
“Tatiana said that I give off a vibe that I’m a player and she knows that I could never be loyal to one woman. Do you believe that?”
He smiles warmly. “Josh, men play around till they meet the right person. Don’t beat yourself up because you have had fun for the last seven years. Why are you bringing this up now?”
“I just don’t understand why …” I shrug, unable to articulate what I want to say.
“Why Tash pushes you away?” he asks and I nod.
“Joshua, you are one of the most eligible bachelors in the wor
ld, good looking, built like a gorilla, rich as hell. And for someone like Natasha who is so quintessentially Australian and so down to earth, it would be hard to take on. I actually don’t know how I would handle it either. I think she does an amazing job at handling your life by refusing to give into it and it’s a learning curve for her as well I think. It’s the man you are from now on that counts.
You always say you want to be a loyal husband.”
I look at my computer screen and nod.
He pats me on the shoulder. “Tonight you did just that.” He smiles broadly.
I give him a sad smile and huff. “And I’m not even fucking married.”
He laughs out loud and I shake my head in disbelief.
My phone rings and I look at the screen, presh. I smile
“Hi Tash,” I answer. Adrian smiles and pats me on the shoulder as he leaves the room.
“Hi baby,” she breathes down the phone.
“I didn’t get to call you yet,” I smile into the silence of the office.
“That’s ok. Are you busy? Shall I let you go?” she breathes down the phone.
“No, all good. Are you at your Mum’s?” I ask.
“Ahuh.” The phone goes silent. “Thank you for worrying about me,” she whispers.
My heart melts. “That’s ok.” She can be so damn beautiful when she wants to be.
“What time are you finishing?” she asks.
I look at my watch. “About three I think.”
“Do you want to come over to Mum’s when you finish work and stay here with me? Mum said it would be ok.”
I frown. “Tash, I … don’t think.” She cuts me off.
“It’s just, I really wanted you to be the first person I see tomorrow.”
I melt again. “You won’t be awake then,” I whisper as I smile.
“Text me when you are on your way and I will open the door for you. I just want to see you.”
I melt again. Adorable. “Ok, I will text you when I’m close.”
“Ok, I love you.” I can hear that she’s smiling, she hangs up.
I blow out a breath and sit back in my seat. I put my hands behind my head as I think.
Decision time.