by T L Swan
“Who is this chick anyway?” Abbie asks. “You could take her.”
I nod. “Totally, but if he thinks I’m going to be a mushroom and kept in the dark for the rest of my life he can think again. Our whole relationship is one-way traffic. His fucking way and I’m over it.”
The girls both nod as they listen.
“I told him I wouldn’t be his booty call and yet I am.” I take a drink. “I constantly open up to him and tell him I love him like a pathetic schoolgirl and yet he says nothing back. Every damn night he turns up at eight o’clock and it is just assumed that we will have awesome sex all night.”
Abbie glances at Bridget. “Yeah, sounds totally shit.”
Bridget laughs into her drink and I giggle. “It is.”
They both shake their heads at me. “So, let’s get this straight, you are annoyed because he comes around to your house every night and gives you awesome sex without complications.” Abbie frowns.
I nod. “Basically.”
“God, I wish, where do I find a man like this?” Abbie sighs. Bridget giggles and clinks glasses with her. The group of young guys we know are here and bound over to the table. “Let’s dance.” They start to groove on the spot. The girls both stand and move to the dance floor and I stay seated. “I’m not dancing,” I sigh.
“Yeah, me neither,” replies the young one with the curly brown hair.
“Where have you been? You haven’t been here for weeks,” he asks.
I nod. “I know,” I frown. “My gran got sick so we have had some stuff on.”
“Oh shit,” he replies. “Is she ok?
“No, she has cancer,” I sigh.
“Sorry,” he mutters.
“I met a girl,” he blurts out to change the subject.
My eyes widen. “Really? Tell me.” I smile.
“She’s blonde and beautiful.”
I smile.
“She’s away at the moment with her parents.” He shrugs.
“How did you meet?” I sip my drink, this guy is so cute.
“At work,” he replies.
My skin prickles. I feel him before I see him. My eyes flick around the space and sure enough there he is. Tall, dark, handsome and extremely infuriating. Shit. I turn around in a rush and swallow the lump in my throat. Bloody snitchy bodyguards. Joshua is talking to my bodyguard against the wall.
He walks over to the table. “What do you think you are doing?” he snaps.
I swallow uncomfortably. “What are you doing here?” I ask.
“Answer the question,” he replies.
I narrow my eyes. “Talking to this wonderful man actually.” The boy next to me widens his eyes in fear and I bite my lip to stifle my smile, poor bastard.
Joshua’s furious eyes hold mine. “Leave,” he snaps to my companion.
He nods immediately and goes to stand up. I grab his arm. “Sit back down. You are not going anywhere,” I reply.
“You have five seconds,” Joshua growls. The poor boy’s eyes are the size of saucers as his eyes flick between Joshua and me. Joshua is scaring even me.
“Cut it out Joshua,” I snap. “You leave.”
“Five … four,” Joshua starts to count in a cool calculated voice and the boy practically jumps and runs.
Joshua stands with his legs wide and his hands in his suit pockets, fury dripping from his every pore as he ticks his jaw. His tall body leans down to me. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he sneers.
I swallow the fear in my throat. I don’t think I have ever seen him so angry.
I drain my glass. “What does it look like? Drinking,” I stammer.
He narrows his eyes at me. “I have been at your house worried and I find you are in a bar drinking with other men and ignoring my calls.”
I twirl my hair uncomfortably. “I don’t feel like seeing you tonight,” I reply.
He grabs my arm. “You want to fight precious? Say when.”
I pull my arm from his grip. “Stop it. You’re acting crazy.” My eyes flick around to the bodyguards who are all purposely looking away.
“You haven’t seen fucking crazy yet,” he whispers so coldly that I get a shiver down my spine.
I snap my eyes away from his glare.
“Stop carrying on,” he angrily whispers.
“Who’s carrying on Joshua? I’m in a bar trying to enjoy myself and you turn up here like Fabio. Go away please.”
“Get your ass in that limo now,” he growls.
Of all the nerve, I screw up my face. “No.”
“Now,” he screams.
Fuck he’s losing it, I look around nervously. “I said no,” I reply calmly as I try to rein in my thumping heart.
“Go.” He raises a brow. “You can leave here with dignity by your own free will or you can kick and scream while I drag you. Either way you will be in my car in two minutes.” His cold eyes hold mine.
I stand. “You are an asshole,” I snap as I storm past him out the door.
I wait at the limo as he walks out with the guards. “Can you let the girls know I am leaving?” I ask one of Joshua’s guards. He nods and goes back into the club. Joshua opens the car door for me and I glare at him as I hop in. I feel like a naughty child in trouble with my parents. He gets in behind me and pushes the security button. It goes up slowly.
I sit silently, looking out the window, as we weave through the traffic. I can feel the anger oozing from him.
He leans over and pulls my face to his. “I will say this once and once only. Do not ever fucking stand me up again.”
Fear grips me. “Stop it.”
“You will do as I ask and show me respect. Do you fucking hear me?” he yells.
I pull my face from his grip. “And what respect do I get in return Joshua?” I reply coldly. “Bumping into you having coffee with a woman—is that the respect I deserve?”
“I work with her,” he yells.
“And last time I saw you with her you were dry-humping her at a wedding you were attending with me. Don’t give me demands on respect, asshole, because you give me none.”
“I don’t want her!” he screams.
“What the fuck do you want Joshua? You don’t even know.”
“You know nothing about me,” he snaps as the car pulls up at my house.
“I know I don’t, because you tell me nothing,” I yell as I jump out in a rush. He gets out after me. “Go home.” I yell. I need to get away from him immediately. I can’t handle these mind games anymore. I’m going insane. He slams the car door hard and storms after me into the building and the guards all look away. We stand in silence in the lift. I hate having security—what must they think? He opens the door and I storm inside. He slams the door behind me.
“Go home,” I yell.
“I am home,” he yells.
I turn to him angrily. “If you are home why is there a glass force-field around you?”
His chest rises and falls in anger.
“I can’t break through it, I try and try and your heart is so closed up that you won’t let me in at all … and I can’t fucking handle this ambivalence anymore. You don’t even know what you want!”
“I want you,” he whispers as his eyes hold mine.
I shake my head angrily. “Well start acting like it. I can’t deal with walking on eggshells anymore, Joshua. Make your decision. I have done my time for leaving you, my punishment is over. Let me in!” I cry.
He grabs me roughly and brings his lips to mine. “I want you,“ he whispers as his tongue gently swipes through my lips. My eyes close as my hand comes around to the back of his head.
“Prove it,” I whisper into his mouth.
His dark eyes drop to my short red dress and he grabs the front seam and effortlessly rips it apart. I gasp at the violence of the act. I stand before him in my underwear, vulnerable and half naked.
“Don’t you ever tell me I don’t want you,” he growls. “It’s a damn need. A fucking obsession.” He grips my hair
in his hands. “I don’t know how to control it, it controls me. I have a need to be so deep inside you that’s it’s all I can think about.”
He bites my neck hard and I cry out in pain as he rips my underpants off, turns me and bends me over the dining table in one motion. His fingers plough through my weeping flesh from behind and my eyes close in reverence. He brings his body over mine as his fingers pump in and out of me. This is what I need, to be taken so hard that I can’t remember any of the shit that goes on between us. He lifts my right leg onto the table to fully open me to his onslaught and I cry out as I am gripped with the sharp sting of his possession. He lines his throbbing length up and pushes into me as he growls and I sigh in relief. His hands splay onto my shoulders as he rips my body back onto his. Back … forward … back he pulls me roughly. I feel him harden and I know he’s close, the front of my leg is hitting the table so hard I know I will be bruised tomorrow and I don’t give a damn. Bring it on … I need this.
“I want you.” He rips into me. “I need you.” He growls as again he slams me back onto his length. I drop my head to the table to try and deal with the punishing rhythm.
“Come Natasha,” he yells. “Make me come … Squeeze my cock with that beautiful tight cunt of yours.”
And I fall, so deep into ecstasy … where I have never been before that my voice is stolen as my body contracts and I cry out silently. One … two … three pumps and I feel the telling jerk as his body empties itself into mine. We fall onto the table in a heap as we both gasp for air. His lips rest on the back of my neck and I smile as he kisses the side of my face.
I don’t know what just happened between us, but I think I found a crack in the glass.
My eyes open sleepily to the faint sound of my phone ringing and then I hear Joshua’s phone ringing. We both sit up immediately. Dear god, what’s happened?
I pick up my phone and see Mum’s name and the time, 4 am, and my stomach tightens Oh no.
Joshua answers his phone and walks into the lounge room and I sit on my bed.
“Hi Mum,” I whisper through the lump in my throat.
“She’s gone, beautiful girl,” she sighs through her tears.
Pain lances through me. “Where are you?” I whisper as my eyes close.
“I’m at the hospital, love.”
“I’m on my way.” I hang up as the tears start to fall.
Joshua walks back into the room and his haunted eyes meet mine. I burst into full- blown sobs as he sits next to me on the bed and I fall into his arms.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispers into the top of my head.
“I’m sorry too Josh.”
I sob out loud as the pain of the finality of the situation hits home.
My beautiful gran has gone and I will never see her again and it’s just not fair.
Death, what is it? What does it mean? And where do you go after you leave this life? It can’t be the end … can it? Is heaven wishful thinking? These questions have been running through my head and in my thoughts since Dad’s death and have once again been magnified.
I sit in the church in a daze. It’s been a week since Gran died and today we bury her. Bridget and I are on either side of Mum. She is inconsolable and sobbing uncontrollably.
I have cried more with this death than I did with Dad’s. I haven’t stopped actually. Where do the tears all come from? When Dad died I was in shock and couldn’t comprehend what had happened, but this time I know exactly what is going on. There are no drugs, no antidepressants and no guilt but still way too much hurt.
I sit and stare at the pastor through the blurry tears that fill my eyes. I have no notion of what he is talking about, my eyes are fixed on the coffin and the picture of Gran, sitting on the top surrounded by flowers. She looks happy … kind … loved.
I start to feel that pain in my throat that I get when I am trying to hold in hysteria and I look around the filled church. Mum, Robert , Margaret and Didge and I are in the front row and behind us are the Stanton boys. Joshua is sitting directly behind me and every now and then I feel his reassuring hand on my shoulder. Just having him here eases my pain. The service ends and I watch in horror as the Stanton boys, who are all in tears, rise and move to carry the coffin out to the hearse. The black suits, the black cars, the black day, it’s too much, and I put my head in my hands and weep.
I can’t handle any blacker, I need some light.
It’s Saturday and I am lying on my lounge feeling sorry for myself. Joshua has been fussing around me and desperately trying to cheer me up since the funeral. I know I should get up and do something but I honestly just don’t have any energy or motivation. Bridget scammed some cheap tickets to Hawaii through her work so Abbie and she are taking Mum there tomorrow night for some much needed respite for ten days. Mum deserves a break and I know she needs it. She hasn’t been away since she lost Dad. Joshua wanted me to go with them but I only just started my new job and I didn’t want to call in sick. Deep down though, the real reason is I didn’t want to leave Joshua. The reason he is in Australia is no longer here and he will no doubt be returning to America any time soon. I would have been a head case being away and not knowing if he will be here when I got home. He still hasn’t said anything about me returning with him and whether in fact we have a future together. I’m not asking. Something changed the other night … I think for the better. I finally cracked the glass force-field. For the first time he showed me emotion and even though it was anger … it was there and it was real. The Tatiana thing is stupidly playing on my mind. I know he didn’t tell me so I wouldn’t worry but the fact is he didn’t tell me and I feel like I’m going crazy with all this over- analysing. The puzzle isn’t fitting together.
“Can I get you something to eat, presh?” Joshua leans over me and kisses my face gently as he rearranges the blanket he has put over me.
I take his hand and smile at him. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being here, it means a lot.” I smile. “Are you ok?” I ask.
He smiles sadly and shrugs. “What do you want to eat? You have hardly eaten in a week?” he sighs.
“A Big Mac,” I reply flatly.
He frowns, horrified. “From McDonald’s.”
I smile and nod.
His eyes widen. “I don’t want you putting that shit in your body, Natasha.”
I narrow my eyes. “Don’t make me choose, Joshua. The Big Mac will win every time.”
His mouth drops open in jest. “You would choose a Big Mac over me?”
I smile. “Every time.”
He smirks, stands and takes his phone out and rings Ben. “Can you go down and get
Natasha McDonald’s please.” He listens. “Yes, that’s what I said, McDonald’s.” He frowns and his eyes flick to me.
“What do you want?”
I smile. He’s actually doing it. “I will have a large Big Mac meal with Coke and an apple pie, extra salt on the fries.”
He looks at me, mortified. “Are you serious?”
I smile and nod. He frowns, seemingly embarrassed. “A large Big Mac meal and an apple pie. Thanks.” He hangs up the phone.
He sits on the lounge and pulls my feet over his legs. “The guys are all going out tonight to the Ivy. Do you want to go?” he asks.
I screw up my nose. “Not particularly. You go if you want.”
“I’m not leaving you here alone. I will just stay home.” He flicks the channel on the television with the remote.
I frown. “Do you feel like going?”
He shrugs. “Not really, but sitting around here being depressed isn’t enticing either.”
He’s right. I have been acting like a sad sack of shit. “Ok, fine, we’ll go.” I give him a small smile.
He smirks, picks up my foot and kisses the top of it. “Let’s go to bed.”
“No way Stanton, today I’m getting my orgasm from my Big Mac.”
The girls and I stand at the bottom bar in the Ivy at
11.00 pm. I’m wearing a black strapless pant suit with a thick gold belt and gold high-heel sandals. My hair is in a full high ponytail. Joshua told me I look like a Charlie’s Angel tonight. Happy with that description just quietly, I’m glad he dragged me out. My phone beeps a message.
They are playing our song.
Talk dirty to me.
I smile and bite my bottom lip. Right, he wants to play.
“What are you smiling at?” Abbie frowns.
I smirk. “Joshua wants me to talk dirty to him.”
Bridget giggles and takes my phone off me. “What will we write?” She bites her lip as she thinks.
I take a sip of my margarita as I narrow my eyes. “Hmm, I need something to drive him wild, like really filthy.” I roll my lips together as I think.
“What does he write to you when he’s talking dirty?” Abbie frowns in question.
I giggle into my drink. “I can’t repeat it. Joshua Stanton is the king of dirty talk.”
“Of course he is,” Abbie snaps. “Is there anything he’s not good at? Please tell me he turns into Shrek at midnight.”
I nod as I finish my drink. “He’s shit at two things actually, committing and telling me he loves me.”
Bridget laughs as she comes up with an idea. “I know … how about … Do me doggie?”
I burst out laughing as I frown. “Do me doggie. What the hell Bridget?”
Abbie laughs. “That’s totally shit, do not text that.” She points at Bridget. “You want to turn him on, not turn him off. Don’t ever bring up dogs in the promise of passion.”
Bridget frowns. “I think that’s good. I would text that,” she stammers.
Abbie and I laugh again and clink our glasses. “Do not talk dirty to any men Bridget …please.” I giggle.
Abbie laughs as something catches her eye from across the room and she frowns.
“Back in a minute,” she snaps as she takes off through the crowded club.
“I need to go to the bathroom Didge.” I frown.
“Ok, I will get another round of drinks. Meet you back here,” she replies.