by Naomi Niles
“It’s not that broken. Dr. Grant says the tumor is dead and they think after the radiation it will be completely gone…again.”
“I’m not talking about the tumor and you know it. I’m talking about the fact that you thought you needed to go through all of this alone.”
“I didn’t go through it alone. I had you, Dad, and Greg…”
“You had all of us, except for Amber.”
The music stopped and I tried to walk away. Sometimes I thought Sarah likes me sick, it’s easier for her to push me around. She grabbed my jacket and held onto it until I decided having a tug of war with my sister in the middle of the dance floor might not be the best idea. “I don’t want to talk about Amber,” I tried. Just the mention of her name sent that old familiar pain surging through me.
“You need to talk about her. You need to talk to her-”
“No, I don’t. Amber and I broke up six months ago-”
“Yeah, right after you found out you had cancer and tried not telling any of us.” The music was playing again, so she took my hand and we started swaying to keep from drawing attention to ourselves.
“I’m not talking about this.”
“You pushed her away and you let her think you didn’t want her-”
“Damn it, Sarah… I was there, okay?” I had indeed done just that. I walked out of Dr. Grant’s office that day with no idea of whether I’d live for the next five years or not. Amber and I were still together at that point and I’d been planning on proposing on her birthday. I’d even bought the ring.
Instead of proposing, I told her that I thought maybe we were moving too fast and I thought maybe we should see other people for a while. She was shocked and hurt and it was the most depressing conversation I’ve ever had in my entire life and probably the longest. Ultimately, I convinced her that I was the asshole I wanted her to believe I was and she walked out. She called me a few times afterwards and her messages were heartbreaking. I could tell she was blaming herself, but even that was better than putting her through losing another husband. For the six months we were back together, at least once a week she’d wake up screaming Dylan’s name and shaking violently. She had nightmares about the day that he died and I’d be damned if I’d put her through watching me waste away for months before she finally became a widow again.
“Kyle, honey, I ran into Amber the other day.” Shit!
“What did you tell her?”
“I didn’t tell her anything, I promise. It was a five minute conversation and we didn’t talk about you at all. Don’t think I didn’t want to tell her, though. She deserves to know.”
“Stop, we were broken up before I even found out-”
“Liar. You pushed her away because you didn’t want to put her through you being sick. Even Dad can see how lost you are without her.”
I laughed. “Dad? He said that, did he?”
“You know Dad; he’s a very philosophical man when he wants to be.” She was smiling. We both knew Dad and for him to say anything remotely like that would be earth-shattering news. “He didn’t say it, okay, but I talked to him about it and he nodded a lot.”
Still laughing I said, “Thanks, Sis, I needed the laugh. Stay out of this with me and Amber, though, okay?”
“Kyle, she’s leaving.”
“Leaving? What do you mean?”
“She’s going out to California. She hired someone to run the clinic and she accepted a job in San Diego. I guess one of her sisters lives there… She told me she’s doing all of this because she needs a change, but I honestly think it’s because she’s as broken as you. She thinks that you didn’t want her. How could that be worse than being with someone you love, no matter what you have to go through in order to make that happen?”
I ignored her question and said, “You got all of that out of a five minute conversation?” I grinned at her, but inside, I was falling apart. I hated the thought of her being so far away whether I was going to see her or not…and I still ached to see her.
“Yes, I did. I found out something else, as well.”
I laughed. None of this was funny, but I’d be damned if I was going to fall apart in front of my sister and at Greg’s wedding, no less. “Do tell,” I said, not sure if I really wanted to hear it or not.
“Her plane leaves in three hours. She’s probably on her way to the airport now…”
The music ended and this time, I walked away. She followed me so I turned on her and said, “And what is it you envision in your little pea brain, Sarah? I can’t even drive. I’m sure it would be so romantic for me to take a cab to the airport and hobble in on my cane to say good-bye.”
“I’ll take you-”
“Where are you taking my best man?” Greg walked up just in time to hear that part of the conversation. I shot my sister a warning look, but apparently, she wasn’t scared of me.
“I want to take him to the airport so he can finally tell Amber how much he loves her and ask her not to leave.”
“Where’s she going?”
“San Diego,” Sarah said.
“It doesn’t matter where she’s going or why. All that matters is that she’s doing what I wanted her to do. She’s getting on with her life.”
“While back in Dallas, you bury yourself deeper in the hole that you’ve dug…” That was Greg.
“I’m not doing this at your wedding.”
Greg suddenly grinned. He had that sparkle he gets in his blue eyes when he’s up to something… I knew it all too well. “It’s my wedding. There’s a limousine outside.”
“So?”
“Come on, Kyle, you know the cancer is gone now and you’re not going to die. Go get your girl. Damn it, man, do you like being miserable?”
That was a good question. The fact was I hated it, but I had been miserable for so much of the past three years, I wasn’t sure that I knew how not to be any longer. “She doesn’t need all of this in her life…”
“All of what Kyle?” Sarah asked me. “She doesn’t need a good man who loves her more than his own life? Every woman needs that. She loves you. Go tell her you still love her, too.”
“Come on, I’ll tell the driver to take you.” Now Greg had a hold of my arm. How did I get surrounded by so many pushy people?
“I’m not taking your damned limo. It’s here to take you and Vicki to the airport.”
“We’ll take my car. Vicki won’t care…”
“I won’t care about what?” Shit!
“Maybe we should just do this on stage so everyone can join in.”
“What are we doing?” the bride asked.
“Sending Kyle to get the love of his life,” Greg said. “You don’t mind if I send him in the limo, do you?”
“We still get to go to Aruba?” she asked. She sounded a little tipsy already.
“Yes, baby…and from there anywhere your pretty heart desires,” he said as he slipped his arm around her. They were kind of sickening…and I was jealous.
“Then by all means, Kyle, take the limo. Go stop her from leaving. I’d love that – it’s like a movie.”
Greg grinned again. “I’d never let you leave, baby,” he kissed her and suddenly they were making out right there in front of us…sickening. I started to walk off and he looked up and said, “Come on, man, I’ll introduce you to the driver.”
“I didn’t say I was going.”
“That’s not important. The two smartest women I know and I think you should go.”
“I’m going to miss the rest of your reception-”
“You were there at my side when I needed you, and you didn’t forget the rings. Come on, man, let’s go before you miss her.”
Now that it was just Greg and me, I said, “What if she doesn’t want me any longer?”
He stopped and looked at me. “Do you know what gave me the courage to change my whole life and ask Vicki to marry me?”
“You love her.”
“Yes, but that wouldn’t have been enough. I was pretty
damned comfortable with my wicked ways. But for that six months when you and Amber actually got to be together and I saw how incredibly happy you were, I knew that was where I wanted to be someday in my life. I could feel the energy any time the two of you were in the same room or even when you were just talking about her. Dude, you’ve proven over and over how damned strong you are by fighting this shit that keeps attacking you and never giving up. Be strong now and don’t give up on that happy life that you deserve. Don’t give up on Amber.”
I finally agreed to go and now I sat in the back of a limousine with the ring I picked up when I asked the driver to stop by my apartment. I would have bought flowers, too, but I was scared to death I’d be late. My limbs were all tingling with excitement and the closer we go to the airport, the harder it became to breathe. I was trying to figure out in my head what I was going to say, but as dry as my mouth went just thinking about her, I doubted that I’d even be able to form a word.
I felt the car stop and the driver lowered the darkly tinted partition between us. “Here we are, sir. Would you like me to wait?”
“Yes, please.” I wasn’t completely convinced that she’d still want me. I was going to need a ride back to the hotel so I could at least get a piece of the wedding cake. I struggled out of the backseat and steadied myself. Adjusting my hat to make sure it covered my bald head, I headed inside. I had no idea what airline she was flying, so it took me about fifteen minutes to find the flight leaving to San Diego in an hour and a half. When I found it, I went towards the Delta Airlines counter and that was when I saw her.
She was looking down at a book or a magazine or something in her hands and she didn’t see me. I wondered if she’d recognize me if she did. She was wearing a soft white sweater and a pair of jeans and boots. Her pretty hair framed her face and my heart stuck in my throat as I looked at her. She was the most beautiful woman in the world to me and my hands actually itched to touch her. I stood there and debated just leaving and not going through with this. She hadn’t seen me yet…
She looked up suddenly as if she felt my eyes on her and ours met. I saw a myriad of emotions cross her face and I at least knew that she recognized me. I started towards her, self-conscious of the cane. I saw her eyes flash to it and back to my face and then she stood up and came towards me.
Chapter Thirty-Two
AMBER
When I first glanced up and saw the man in the tuxedo and the black Stetson hat I thought, “Wow, he favors Kyle.” That didn’t surprise me. I found myself looking for him everywhere I went and often found someone who looks like him. I chastise myself for it all the time. It’s a sickness to be so attracted to men who treat you poorly – my therapist had told me so more than once. I started to ignore him even though he was staring at me…but then I saw he cane. I looked back up and realized that those hazel eyes were unmistakably his. My body was shaking so hard, I wasn’t even sure if I trusted it to hold me up as I stood. What is he doing here? I started towards him and he towards me. We stopped about three feet from each other.
“Hi, Amber,” he said it as if we’d only just seen each other last week. It has been six months to the day and every one of those days has been like torture.
“Kyle, what are you doing here?”
“Um…” he adjusted himself with the cane. Why is he using a cane…and he’s so thin… “I was hoping we could talk,” he said at last.
“Kyle, are you okay? Are you sick?”
“Can we sit down?” I looked at the time. It was still a little over an hour before I had to board my flight. If he’d looked well, I liked to think I would have been strong enough not to give him the time of day. He’d literally broken my heart – all of me, as a matter of fact. But something wasn’t right and no matter how angry I still wanted to be with him, I didn’t want to see him sick or hurt.
“Okay.” He followed me over to a seating area where there wasn’t anyone else for a few rows and we sat down. He looked like whatever he came to say was sticking in his throat. I thought about running into Sarah the other day and I knew she must have sent him. “Kyle, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know where to start,” he said. “My sister told me once that the reason people get married and stay married is because they can’t imagine living without the other person. At the time I made a crack about that being a silly romantic notion. But the truth is Amber, I’ve tried living without you so many times since I met you – and I just can’t. I mean, I wake up every morning and I’m still breathing. But you can ask anyone… I’m not living. I only wake up because I have to and the only reason I keep breathing is because I know you’re somewhere not too far away breathing the same air. I never stopped loving you, Amber. I can’t stop loving you and I don’t want to live without you.”
My eyes were burning with tears. They were, in part, angry tears. How dare he put me through this and then show up when I’m finally getting on with my life and tell me all of the things I so desperately needed to hear months ago? “Until the next time you decide we should see other people, right?”
He looked down at the floor and swallowed hard before looking back up at me. There were tears in his eyes, too. “I never saw anyone else, Amber. For me, there is no one else. Since the day I realized I could never love Callie the way I love you, I haven’t as much as thought about being with another woman. There’s only you and if I can’t ever be with you again…then I’ll be alone.”
My head was spinning, my heart was aching, and my limbs were shaking so hard my teeth were chattering. “I don’t understand, Kyle. Why are you doing this to me?”
“I’m so sorry, baby. I thought I was doing it for you. The day I went to the doctor and I told you everything was good…and then I told you that made me want to live my life and be with other people, I lied. The tumor was not only back, it was cancer. All I could think about were the nights I held you while you trembled because of what you’d been through with Dylan. At that time, my prognosis was up in the air and I couldn’t ask you to marry me knowing there was a good possibility of leaving you a widow and making you go thorough watching me shrivel up and die…”
“Oh, Kyle… Jesus, you are so stupid.”
He laughed and wiped a tear away that rolled out of his pretty eyes. “I’m not going to argue with that.”
“Kyle, when you love someone, it’s not only about the fun and the good times. Truly loving someone means that you actually want to be there for them when they’re sick or hurt or just having a bad day. Let me ask you a question. Did you enjoy being with me the nights I woke up screaming after I’d had a dream about Dylan?”
He looked like he was thinking about it and then he said, “I don’t think enjoy is the right word, but I was glad I was there, for you.” I looked at him for a long time before I saw it click on his face. “I just love you so much, Amber. I hate the thought of making you unhappy…” That clicked, too, and I let it settle in before I said,
“You did make me unhappy by pushing me away. I’ve never been unhappier than when I wasn’t with you. Oh, Kyle…life is never going to be perfect, but the beauty of it is having someone to share it all with.” I reached up and took off his hat. His hair was growing back in places. It was soft-looking and fuzzy like a baby chick. I ran my fingers through it. “You poor thing… God, I wish that you would have let me be there for you.”
“You’re right. I’m an idiot. The next time I think I’m doing the right thing, I guess I should run it by someone else first. The cancer is gone, for the most part. I have to still do another thirty radiation treatments, but the prognosis is good. Is there any possibility you would consider giving me another chance?”
I sat his hat back on his head and put my hand on his thin face. He was pale and drawn, and his suit looked like he bought it before he lost fifty pounds…but he was still the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. I considered playing hard to get a little bit and making him work for it, but the truth was I know we’re not playing here. This was the most
real thing I’d ever felt in my life and I couldn’t even pretend that it wasn’t. “Only if you promise that you’ll always be honest with me…and that you’ll never leave me again.”
The tears were already spilling down my cheeks as he took my hand and said, “I promise to always be honest.” He started to slide down off the chair then to the floor. He was struggling with it and I wanted to help him, but I knew that would only embarrass him. I could hardly see through the tears as I realized what he was doing. Once he was on one knee he continued, “I also promise I will never leave you again. I brought a ring in case you wanted proof of that.” He smiled and blinked his eyes a few times before saying, “Amber Reed Scott, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I’m sorry that I’m so stupid. I wanted to do this six months ago and I should have. Will you please consider marrying me? After my hair grows back and I can walk right again.” He grinned when he said the last part. He’s fought so hard through all of this and I was so proud of him. I’d gladly walk down the aisle with him, even pushing a wheelchair with him as bald as an eagle. I was not in love with his hair or his ability to walk. I was in love with his soul and it consumed me.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and it felt so good to touch him. He put his arms around my upper back and held me there. This was what I missed the most. I never felt safer than when I was in his arms. When I finally got ahold of myself I pulled back and said, “Yes.”
“Yes, you’ll marry me?”
I laughed and wiped at my face. “Yes, I’d love nothing more than to be your wife. I’d marry you right now Kyle – today.” He hugged me again and then he started planting kisses all over my face. When he pulled back, he was smiling. He took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto my left hand. It fit perfectly – just like he and I do. I rested my arms on his shoulders and leaned down so that our lips met. Time and space mean nothing where my feelings for this man are concerned. The kiss was as explosive as the first one we ever shared, even more so when I thought about the fact that I was going to fall asleep and wake up with that kiss on my lips every day for the rest of my life. I looked down at his tux again and said, “Kyle? Can I ask you something?”