I lean my head back, touching the edge of my hat as my heart thumps. I know we’re only driving a couple of hours away. I know it’s no great adventure to be spending a couple of months with my brother, but it feels significant.
For the first time in my life, I’m not letting what-ifs control me.
I’m not giving into fear. Not anymore.
2
Finn
“You know that’s illegal, right?” Max arches an eyebrow at me.
I turn my phone screen back toward me, staring at the picture of the Woodvale Canyon Bridge, located about twenty minutes outside of town.
“Obviously. But how sick would it be to BASE jump off that thing?”
“You could go to jail.”
“They’d have to catch me first.” I grin, glancing at my friend. I turn my eyes back to the picture of the bridge. I’ve driven over it a hundred times, and every time I do, I want to jump off—with a parachute, of course.
He snorts, shaking his head. “You’re insane.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t a compliment.”
“Maybe not to you.”
Max chuckles, pushing his hip off the reception desk in my skydiving storefront. He raps his knuckles on top of it. “I’m meeting Sacha and the girls for a drink tonight. You in?”
I grunt. “Sweeney’s bringing his little sister in this afternoon. Wants to take her up for a skydive, but after that, I’m free.”
“Sweeney has a sister?” Max frowns. “I didn’t know that.”
I shrug. “Half-sister, apparently. She lives in Seattle.”
Max nods. “So you’ll be there tonight? Vanessa will probably show up.”
I scoff, rolling my eyes. “Is that supposed to make me want to join?”
“I thought you two were an item.” Max grins, arching an eyebrow.
“An ‘item’? She keyed my fucking car.”
“You kissed her friend right in front of her. At her own birthday party.”
“Her friend kissed me. I pushed her off me, and I’m the asshole? Vanessa was making out with some leather-clad, Harley-Davidson-driving biker at the time!” I scoff, shaking my head. “Come on. I wasn’t the problem in that situation.”
“You’re not exactly an angel.”
“We were never exclusive to begin with. She was sleeping around with half of Woodvale.”
Max shrugs, chuckling. “I hear make-up sex is the best sex.”
I shake my head. “Not worth it, man. It cost me a thousand bucks to get my car painted. No sex is worth that.”
“I kind of like watching the train wreck of your love life, though.”
“Oh, so I’m just here for your entertainment?”
“Only because you’re so entertaining,” Max grins. It’s impossible to be mad at him. He could say anything, do anything, and then he looks at you with that disarming smile and those bright, blue eyes, and all the anger in the world just disappears. It’s the best and worst thing about him.
He’s right, though. My love life is a wreck. I don’t have a problem getting women—it’s staying interested that’s the issue. After the initial sheen has worn off, a relationship is just so fucking…ordinary. The thrill of the chase ends, and then it’s over. There’s no rush, like jumping out of a plane or flinging myself off a cliff. There’s no excitement. No burn in the pit of my stomach and electricity dancing on my tongue.
Max sighs, shrugging. “Whatever, Finn. I know you’ll be out tonight, so I’ll see you then.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Uh-huh.” He snorts.
I watch Max walk out of the shop and I know he’s right. I’ll go out tonight. I won’t be able to stay at home, drumming my fingers on my leg while I stare at the wall. Boredom was never my strong suit. And if Vanessa—or another chick at the bar—wants to get laid tonight, who am I to turn her down?
What can I say? I’m a giver.
Pushing the thought of pussy aside, I turn back to my phone. I can feel a familiar thrill building in the pit of my stomach at the thought of jumping off the Woodvale Canyon Bridge. Somewhere, in the depths of my mind, I know Max is right. I must be insane.
I can’t help it.
My addiction to adrenaline started when I was in college. I went through some shit, fell apart, hit rock bottom, and then saw an advertisement for a tandem skydive.
Fuck it has been my motto ever since. The minute that roller door slid open at fifteen thousand feet, with the whip of the wind whistling across the opening in the plane, I knew my life had changed forever. My feet dangled in the opening, and I stared at the ground far, far below.
The skydive instructor had given me an okay sign with his fingers, and I’d done the same.
Then, we’d jumped.
I quit law school the next day, much to the chagrin of my dear old, high-profile lawyer father. Nolan Gallagher, Esq., didn’t understand. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps and work at his firm.
He didn’t realize that I’d been through the worst heartbreak of my life, and it led me down the path to skydiving. To adrenaline. To a new way of life.
He thought I was quitting, but I was just getting started.
My father threatened to cut me off from the trust fund that had been dangled over my head since I was a kid, and I told him to keep his millions—until I asked him to loan me some money to start the business. Reluctantly, he agreed, but he still held back on the trust fund.
I don’t care. Truly. He can keep his money.
Adrenaline is better.
When I tell you that my relationship with adrenaline is an addiction, I’m not lying. The rush that I felt during that first skydive is something I’ll never forget. I feel it every time Sweeney and I take the plane up, and the roller door slides open. All my senses sharpen. I can feel every stitch of clothing in my jump suit. My fingers slide over the straps on my parachute as I do my last checks.
It’s the instant right after I jump out of the plane, when I’m in free fall—that’s the moment I crave. The weightlessness. The fear of something going wrong. My parachute might not open. I could get tangled in the strings. There might be some crazy air current that sucks me up and makes my chute collapse on itself.
That fear is my sustenance. It’s what keeps me going until the next time I jump. It feeds a part of me that I hadn’t even known existed before that first skydive. The first time I jumped out of a plane, I woke that monster up with a start, and the beast hasn’t been quiet since. There’s a black hole in my soul, and it demands something dark and dangerous.
So, I give in. And I want more—always more.
When my thoughts start gnawing at me and my emotions rear up, the only thing that keeps me sane is the adrenaline. It levels me out and makes me feel alive. The closer I am to death, the more alive I feel.
There’s a reason they call us junkies.
I turn my phone screen off and slip it into my pocket. BASE jumping is another level of crazy, but it’s something that I’ve been itching to do.
Building. Antenna. Span. Earth.
There’s plenty of those around here. Plenty of high points that I could jump off, with nothing but a parachute to save me.
But there’s something holding me back. I’ve done hours of research, and I’ve even bought the right gear. I’ve talked to BASE jumpers and gotten all the information, all the tools, all the advice I could ever need.
Hell, I even hired one of them. The whole reason I hired Racer as a second skydiver for the business was to pick his brain about BASE jumping.
Yet, I haven’t done it. The kernel of fear at the base of my skull keeps holding me back, and I don’t know why. It’s not like me.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I sigh when I see my father’s name on the screen.
“Dad.”
His voice is gruff when he answers. “Glad you decided to pick up this time.”
“No need to be like that,” I say, turning my back to the shop�
�s front door. I lean against the reception desk, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Your deadline is approaching.”
“I’m aware.”
“Have you made any progress?”
“We’ve just hired a new skydive instructor and a new pilot. We’ll be able to double our booking capacity. We have a new administrator, as well, so I won’t need to be in the shop. By the end of the summer, I’ll be able to pay you every cent that you lent to me. Don’t worry.”
“Sounds like a lot of overhead expenses. Are you sure you aren’t overextending yourself?”
“Listen, Dad. I said I’d pay back every penny. I don’t tell you how to run your business, so don’t tell me how to run mine.”
“My business isn’t in danger of going belly-up every time the weather changes.”
Heat burns the center of my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to quell the anger rising inside me. I wish I’d never taken any money from my father, but it’s too late to go back now. If I hadn’t gotten a loan from him, I wouldn’t have started this business—and the business is everything to me. It’s my calling. It allows me to jump whenever I need to. It feeds me in a way wearing a monkey suit in a fucking law firm never could.
My father sighs. His voice softens. “Listen, Finn. I know you’re doing the best you can. But you’ve borrowed money from me every year for the past four years. If this business isn’t viable, sometimes you just need to cut your losses. You know what we agreed. If you can’t pay back your loan by the end of this summer, you go back to law school.”
“And follow in your wonderfully, woefully large footsteps,” I finish, failing to keep the bitterness from my voice.
“You were a star student, Finn. I don’t understand what changed. If you go back to law school, I’ll talk to the lawyers about the trust fund. You’ll be completely provided for, son. You won’t have to worry about money again. I’m only being hard on you because I want what’s best for you.”
“Then listen to me when I say that law school isn’t what’s best for me.”
Silence settles between us, and I hear my father let out a sigh. “Regardless, Finn, our agreement stands. You have until the end of the summer, or else you’re going back to law school. If you can’t pay back the money, you lose access to the fund.”
“Love you too, Dad.” I end the call and let out a sigh.
What my father doesn’t understand is I can’t go back to law school. It would kill me. It would be a bullet straight through my heart. I’d have to go back to those stuffy classrooms with my tail between my legs. I’d have to be reminded of everything that went wrong with the only real relationship that I’ve ever had.
I’d have to grovel for good grades to the professor who had sex with the love of my life, promising her extra credit and a good placement at a prestigious law firm.
I’d rather die in a failed skydive than face that particular hell.
The front door to the shop opens, pulling me from my thoughts. Sweeney lifts a hand in greeting. “Yo,” he says, jerking his chin at me. “This is my sister.”
Out from behind him steps a woman. A girl, really. She’s tiny. Thin as a rail, and shorter than Sweeney by a foot and a half. Her clothes look about three sizes too big. She’s wearing black, ripped skinny jeans and a grey flannel shirt. Her head is covered with a black woolen beanie, and she’s hugging her arms around her middle as if she’s trying to shrink into nothing.
Ripped Converse cover her feet, the white canvas long since turned gray. It looks like someone’s doodled something on them, black ravens and grim reapers battling on the fabric of her shoes.
But it’s her eyes that pull me in.
They’re so bright, they’re nearly blinding. Rimmed with thick, black makeup, as if she’s trying to prove something. She stares at me with a fierceness I’ve never seen before.
Heat builds in the pit of my stomach. She’s not the kind of girl I typically go for. The opposite, really. This girl is hard. Mad. Tough.
I go for the easy thrill. The girls with their tits hanging out and skirts riding up their ass.
A little, angry, punk-wannabe chick?
Not supposed to make me feel like this. Like my pants just got tighter. Like my fingers are itching to tear that clothing off her tiny, angsty body.
I clear my throat. “Hey. I’m Finn.”
“Esme,” she answers. Her shoulders straighten, and she juts her chin out ever so slightly. Her lips are full. Kissable. She arches an eyebrow, staring me down. Is she this feisty in bed, I wonder?
I clear my throat. This is my business partner and best friend’s little sister. She’ll be working in the shop all summer. Both of those reasons make her completely off-limits, not some conquest for the taking. Why am I even thinking about her like that? What’s wrong with me?
Train wreck, remember?
“Sweeney tells me you want to do a skydive today,” I say, drawn to her eyes again.
Esme’s lips drop open as her eyes grow wide. She turns to her brother. “What?”
“Yeah, isn’t that what I said? Check out the shop, do a jump, and then get some carrot cake muffins.” He grins, arching an eyebrow.
I’m guessing he left out the do a jump part of that itinerary when he first proposed it to her.
“You’re unbelievable, Kit.” Esme winds back and punches her brother’s arm. He yelps, stumbling back as he laughs.
Yeah, she’s definitely got some fight in her. I try to hide my smile. The heat in my core is building. I adjust my pants. This shouldn’t be turning me on, but she’s got a desperate, fierce energy that reaches deep into my core and speaks to the broken part of me.
I like this chick.
Sweeney clutches his arm and shrugs. “No need for violence, Es. I just thought this could be a good way to start your new life. You know, leave all the fear behind. Tick something off your bucket list.”
“I don’t have a bucket list. Too close to death to bother.”
“Maybe you should make one. You’re not dying anymore.”
“Hey, if you don’t want to do a skydive, you don’t have to,” I interject. “Lots of people change their minds when they get here.”
“I’m not changing my mind,” she spits. “I never even got the chance to make up my mind in the first place.”
I step around the counter, spreading my arms toward the two of them. “You don’t have to—”
“I’m doing it.” She crosses her arms, widening her stance. Her jaw is set. Her eyes are blazing. “I’m fucking doing it, but not because you sprang this on me.”
“Didn’t I say I was flying you up to fifteen thousand feet and throwing you out as soon as we got here?” Kit’s laughing as he arches his eyebrows at her.
“You’re an asshole, Kit.” She scowls, and I like her even more.
Esme’s a walking contradiction. Sweeney told me she’d been sick, and by looking at her, you’d think she was small. Weak. But everything about her screams strength. Her whole aura exudes determination.
My heart thumps, and I run my hand along the two-week-old stubble on my jaw. I scratch it, staring at her.
“What?” She arches an eyebrow.
“I’m just trying to figure out how serious you are. A minute ago, you looked like you were scared shitless.”
“Yeah? Well, I’ve been scared shitless my whole life. I would have liked a warning, but I’m not chickening out now that I’m here.” She glances at Sweeney. “You could have told me.”
“Come on, Es. You knew what would happen when you came here. You knew this is a skydiving center, and you agreed to spend the summer here. Did you really think I wouldn’t at least try to get you up in the plane on your first day? You need to be able to tell the customers what to expect.”
Esme stares at him for a second, and then her eyes flick to me. Warmth floods the pit of my stomach as her gaze lingers on mine. I stand rooted to the ground, unable to move. She does something to me. It’s like she’s peering
into my soul—into the deepest, darkest parts, where the adrenaline junkie lives. Like she’s reading me from top to bottom. Inside out.
And…I like it. A lot.
Images flash in my mind. That scowl on her face softening when I kiss her. The noises she would make when I’d touch her. The way her body looks under those oversized clothes.
She turns back to her brother. “Don’t you dare tell my mother.”
“Lydia will never find out,” he says, zipping his lips shut with his fingers and throwing away the key.
“I mean it. She’d have a conniption.”
“She needs to learn to let you live.”
Esme takes a deep breath, nodding. “Yeah, well, she helped me stay alive for a long time. I don’t want to be the reason she has a heart attack.”
“Esme,” Sweeney says in a soft voice. “You’re here now. You came here because you wanted to live your life your way. Now, just do it.”
Esme’s breath trembles, and I catch a glimpse of the girl behind the mask. She’s not as tough as she looks. A protective wave washes over me, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest.
I frown, confused.
I’m not used to feeling like that. I’m more of a no strings attached kind of guy.
“Okay,” she says. When her gaze meets mine, my soul cracks open a fraction of an inch. The black parts of my heart ache for her light. In just a few minutes, she’s turned me upside down.
She won’t be in danger when she straps herself to my body and jumps out of a plane with me. She’ll be safe, from the time we gear her up to the time her feet are back on the ground. She’ll be completely fine…
…but I think I might need to worry.
3
Esme
I’ve made a terrible mistake.
My stupid ego got in the way of my sense of self-preservation, and now I’ll be jumping out of a plane in less than an hour.
I watch a safety briefing and put on a brave face. I let Kit and Finn drive me to the airfield in the company van, staring out the window and pretending I’m calm.
Can't Have You: A Stand-Alone Brother's Best Friend Romance Page 2