“You do yoga?” Her eyebrows jump up.
“Got to be limber if you’re going to jump out of planes,” I say. “Don’t look so surprised.”
“You’re just so…”—her eyes sweep over my body and heat ripples through me—“muscular,” she finishes.
“I’m a man of many talents,” I wink. Esme blushes.
Instead of sitting in a chair, Esme pushes it aside and lays out on the rubber flooring, staring at the sky. She takes a deep breath, smiling.
My throat is tight. “Hold on. I’ll go grab some drinks. You want a beer?”
Esme smiles, her eyes shining as she nods. “Sure.”
I take the steps two at a time. Unlocking my apartment, I head to the fridge and grab a couple of beers. When I head back up to the roof, Esme is on the rubber flooring, leaning on her elbows. She turns to watch me approach.
When her eyes meet mine, all I want to do is lean down and kiss her. I fight the urge to crush my lips to hers. To show her what I’ve been feeling since the instant I saw her this afternoon. I want to wrap my arms around her and make her mine, right here, right now.
But Esme isn’t someone you claim. She’s not someone you take and throw over your shoulder. She’s someone you coax out of her shell and show that you don’t mean to harm her. She’s someone you spoil.
She’s been through hell and came out the other side. For the first time, she’s away from home, jumping out of planes and going out to bars with people she’s never met.
If I ever thought I was brave for chasing the thrill of adrenaline, I have nothing on her. She’s got true courage.
Esme lets out a happy sigh. She accepts the beer with a nod, turning her eyes back to the view before us. The lights of Woodvale spread all around, until they peter out into nothingness. To the west, the Pacific Ocean is a vast, black expanse. Esme takes a deep breath, throwing her head back and exhaling.
“The air is so fresh here.”
Esme crosses her ankles, lying on her back and staring at the sky. “I used to sit in my bedroom and stare at the sky from my window. When it wasn’t cloudy, that is,” she says. “There are a lot more stars here.”
“Less light pollution,” I answer, but my mind is elsewhere. It’s currently occupied staring at her collarbone, her neck, that choker, and the way her earlobe peeks out from under her hat. She’s holding the beer on top of her stomach, and her chest rises and falls ever so slightly with every breath. My eyes drift to the swell of her chest, and I long to see how perfectly her small breasts would fit in my palm.
I clear my throat. “If you want, I could take you to a favorite mountain biking spot of mine. We’ve got a bunch of extra bikes downstairs. There’s a lookout and you can see for miles.” I lie down beside her, tearing my gaze away from her to stare up at the sky.
Esme turns to glance at me. “I might have to train before attempting that. I haven’t ridden a bike in years, and I was out of breath going up those stairs.” She laughs, and the sound soothes something in my heart.
For the past—I don’t even know how many years—I’ve been chasing something. I’ve always been on the move. Always looking for the next high, the next jump, the next rush. The next girl that’ll get my dick wet.
But right now, my heart is completely at peace. I’m not chasing Esme. Not in the way that I’ve chased other girls. I’m not listening to her talk because I know it’ll get me laid, not giving two fucks about what she’s saying.
Quite the opposite.
I’m completely content right here beside her. We stare at the sky without saying much, until her hand brushes against mine. Her pinky finger crosses over mine, and suddenly, my body is on high alert. Even the slightest touch from this girl sends me into a tailspin.
Sparks fly up my arms. My heart thumps. I grip my beer without daring to move it, because I know my hand will tremble. My breath is short, and there’s a lump in my throat that wasn’t there before.
I want her. Desperately. I want to wrap my arms around Esme and hold her against me, kissing her like I know she’s never been kissed before.
But she’s Sweeney’s little sister, and she’s been through so much.
And who am I? I’m an adrenaline junkie who dropped out of college when he got his heart broken and hasn’t been able to keep a girlfriend since. I crumpled under something as small as a breakup. Sure, my ex cheated on me with one of our college professors. She stepped over me to get what she wanted from her career, and she never looked back.
So what? Why did that break me? People get their hearts trampled all the time.
Esme is stronger than me. Better than me. She deserves someone who doesn’t party all the time and chase tail like it’s going to fill the void in his chest. She deserves someone who will worship the ground she stands on.
But her finger stays curled over mine, and my heart continues to thump. We lie there for a few moments, and I know the fire burning within me needs to be acknowledged. Esme’s drawing me in. I’m just a piece of space dust. A stray satellite, caught in her gravitational pull.
I leave my beer down on the ground and roll onto my side. My hand travels up Esme’s arm and I watch her shiver, her lips dropping open at the touch. When my hand drifts across her chest, just barely touching her collarbone, she lets out the softest, sexiest sigh I’ve ever heard.
This girl has me. I’m done. It’s been, what, twelve hours? I’m completely powerless when she’s near. I’ve had a fucking hard-on all day, and any time she does anything like speak, or move, or breathe, my whole body throbs for her.
My hand climbs to that irresistible necklace and I drift my fingertips over the velvety material. Esme trembles, a soft moan slipping through her lips.
Maybe I don’t deserve her. Maybe kissing her would be a mistake. She’s better than me. Stronger than me. Deserves someone braver than me. Maybe I’m a piece of shit, player, adrenaline junkie.
But right now, Esme’s eyes are drilling into mine. Her hand is lifting up to slide over my jaw, and my own hand is sliding down the center of her chest. I watch her bite her lip at the touch, her thighs squeezing together.
I know she feels this. She felt it on the plane. She felt it in the sky. At the bar. While we walked.
She feels it now.
Esme wants me as badly as I want her.
When she lifts her hand to touch my jaw and her fingers slide back toward the nape of my neck, I know she’s going to pull me in. The gloss has worn off her lips, and I watch her tongue slide out to moisten them. A groan rumbles through my throat before I can stop it.
There’s something between us. Electricity. A spark. A connection. Something that doesn’t come along every day. Something that connects her soul to mine, that speaks to something deep in the hidden recesses of my heart.
On the shop’s roof, with nothing but silence and stillness around us, my body screams at me to kiss her.
11
Esme
How did I end up lying on a rooftop beside the sexiest man I’ve ever seen?
I’m not sure, but I’m not complaining.
His eyes devour me. They run over my lips, my neck, down to my chest. His hands are warm. Broad. Strong. He places his palm on my waist, pulling me closer.
A million stars twinkle above, witnessing the lust swelling inside me.
I want Finn. More than I’ve wanted anyone before. More than I thought it was possible to want someone.
I want his hands on my body. On my breasts. Between my legs. Cupping my cheek and wrapping around the nape of my neck. I want to feel the weight of his body on top of mine and inhale his scent. I want to taste his lips. Lash my tongue against his. Let my fingers roam over his body.
And in a desperate, feral way, I want his cock buried deep inside me. I can feel the void between my legs like a pulsing ache.
But he hovers over me, his hand on my waist, his eyes speaking volumes. I glance at his lips as my heart hammers.
When was the last time someone kissed m
e? High school? When was the last time someone looked at me with fire in their eyes? Without pity? Without sadness?
My heart bangs against my ribcage. It knocks over and over again as I reach up to twirl a finger in Finn’s hair. I part my lips, needing to taste him.
It’s like a curtain has dropped in my mind. I thought I was living, but all I was doing was surviving. I thought I was alive, but I was merely not dead.
Right here, alone with Finn, I’m alive. There’s a fire in my belly and a thumping in my chest. There’s need building inside me like it’s never done before. That need takes Finn’s warmth, his strength, his energy, and it sucks it inside me. My blood burns for him. My body trembles for him. I try to pull him down so I can finally taste those taunting lips.
But Finn stops. His lips hover too far away from mine. He stays propped on his elbow, his hand on my waist, and he doesn’t move.
“Esme…” His voice is full of gravel.
My heart sinks.
He’s just like everyone else. He doesn’t see me. He only sees what my illness has done to me. I’m not someone who deserves to be desired. I’m just someone who needs to be pitied and babied.
I clear my throat, pulling away from him. The moment shatters, sending shards of my desire out into the blackness of the night as my body turns cold. I turn my head away from him, fingering the edge of my beanie. Grabbing the beer that I’d all but forgotten beside me, I bring it to my lips with a trembling hand.
“Esme, look at me.”
“It’s fine, Finn,” I say, staring out at the streetlights sprawled around us. “Let’s just forget about this.”
“I’m attracted to you.”
I wish those words didn’t have an effect on me. I wish they didn’t send my thoughts flying off a precipice and desire tumbling through my veins.
Dragging my gaze to meet Finn’s, I hold my breath.
“But I can’t…” He inhales. “I can’t kiss you, Esme. If I did, Sweeney…”
“I get it,” I say, not wanting to drag out the mortification of his rejection. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not you—”
“Please,” I interrupt, finally staring him square in the eyes. “Just stop. I want to go home.”
You know when people say, If something’s too good to be true, it probably is? That doesn’t change the fact that you wanted that thing that was too good. You allowed yourself to hope you’d get it. It stings when it slips through your fingers.
Finn is strong. Tall. He’s got eyes that slice me open and a body that makes me want to melt. Every time he’s near me, I feel safer. Protected. Like I want to belong to him.
But I’m just his friend’s little sister. I’m the tumbleweed that blew into town for the summer, and he’s probably right to turn me down. I’ll be gone in a couple of months, anyway.
I watch him pick himself up off the floor mats. He lifts his eyes to mine, and I think I see a hint of regret.
Instead of waiting around for him to give me an excuse, I head for the door and make my way down the stairs and into the shop. We drop our half-finished beers in the trash, and I hug my arms around my chest and wait for him without saying a word.
We walk to my brother’s place in silence.
My body hasn’t caught up with my mind, because it still thrums with desire. Even after he turned me down, I still feel the heat singe my veins. I still want him to touch me. Kiss me. Cage me up against the wall and grind himself against me.
When we get to Kit’s place, I fish my set of keys out of my bag. Tucking my chin into my chest, I can’t meet Finn’s eye.
“See you tomorrow, I guess.”
“Esme…”
Finally, I look at him. His eyebrows are drawn together as he stares at me, lips parted.
I smile sadly. “Just forget about it, Finn. Let’s blame the alcohol, or the adrenaline from the skydive. I’ll see you around.”
Finn stands at the apartment door until I’m inside, his lips pinched in a thin line as I close him out. I lean my back against the frame, dropping my head in my hands.
He’s probably right. We shouldn’t kiss. Whatever attraction is between us will pass. It has to. I’ll be working for him. He’s my brother’s business partner, and we both know getting involved would be messy.
All those excuses feel empty, though, when compared to the need that roars within me.
I lock the door, brush my teeth, and head to the guest room, where my suitcase is open on the floor. I strip my clothes off and drop them on the ground. I’ll clean them tomorrow. Right now, I just need to sleep and forget about what happened tonight. I step over my suitcase and crawl into bed, tucking the blankets up under my chin.
Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll go to the art supply store and meet new people. I’ll try that carrot cake muffin Kit was talking about. I’ll take my sketchbook everywhere with me and draw everything that strikes my eye in Woodvale. I’ll work at the shop and treat Finn as exactly who he is to me—my new boss. I’ll keep myself busy, and I won’t think about Finn Gallagher, or the way it stung when he turned me down.
I wake up to a knock on my bedroom door and a far too cheery good morning from Kit. He opens the door and lifts up a tray with two cups of coffee in one hand and a brown paper bag in the other.
“We never got that carrot cake muffin yesterday, so I thought I’d treat you this morning.”
I groan, shielding my face against the strip of light coming through the side of the blinds. I can’t quite bring myself to look at Kit in the eye.
“Get up, get ready, and we’ll head to the shop. I had new keys cut for you, and Finn said he’d show you how to use the booking system.”
Even the sound of Finn’s name makes my cheeks burn.
“What time is it?” I ask, taking the lid off the coffee he hands me and inhaling its aroma.
“Uh…” He glances at his watch. “Seven fifty-two.”
I grunt, sipping the coffee. Working at the shop doesn’t seem like such a great idea now. After what happened last night, being near Finn makes me want to barf.
Kit smiles at me expectantly. “So? We can walk over together. You said you wanted to start right away, but I know you had a big day yesterday. Why don’t we just do the paperwork and a bit of training, and you can take the rest of the day off.”
I nod. “Okay. I saw an art supply store that I wanted to check out.”
My brother sits on the edge of the bed as I sit up, grabbing the brown paper bag and pulling out a muffin the size of my head. I rip off a piece of it before handing it to him.
He takes a chunk and pops it in his mouth. “You happy to be here?”
I let out a breath and stare at my brother, finally relaxing. “Yeah.”
“You sure? Because you looked pretty worried just now.”
“I’m fine. It’s just a lot of new experiences all at once.”
My brother gives me a sad smile. “You know, when I first moved in with Dad and Lydia, I was overwhelmed. I missed my mom and my friends and my school, but it turned out well. I couldn’t have had the kind of support and education that Dad and Lydia gave me if I’d been living in Woodvale with my mom. So, it was overwhelming, but it was worth it.”
I stare at my brother, sipping my coffee. “What was she like?”
“My mom?”
I nod.
Kit lets out a sigh. “She was amazing. Had the most incredible smile, and her hugs were the best hugs in the world. She’d just wrap her arms around you and squeeze so hard you could feel how much she loved you.” A shadow passes over my brother’s face, and he rips a piece of muffin off, staring at it in his hands. “But she was sick. Bipolar. She’d disappear for days or spend a week in bed. Then, she’d be manic, and she’d be flying me to Disney World and spending all our savings. It was chaotic and scary and occasionally fun—and totally unstable.”
“I’m sorry, Kit,” I say softly.
He shakes his head. “Don’t be. I wouldn’t have met you and Lyd
ia. I wouldn’t have been able to spend time with Dad before he passed. When Dad won custody of me, my mother disappeared from Woodvale. I’d get a birthday card once in a while—the return address was in California. I would have turned out a mess if I hadn’t come to live with you.” My brother sighs, shaking his head. “Anyway. It doesn’t matter. All I’m saying is sometimes, change is good. You can’t see it at the time, but it is.”
“I know it’s good for me to be here, Kit.”
“So wipe that scowl off your face and start acting like it.” My brother grins. “I got you a job, a room, and a bunch of new friends. You should be thanking me.”
“Thank you.” I smile.
Kit ruffles my non-existent hair, standing up again. “Get ready. We need to get to work.”
I watch him leave my room and let out a sigh. Kit’s right. He was able to move past a volatile childhood and pursue his dreams. He’s a leader, now. A boss. A businessman. But he’s still the carefree, easygoing brother I grew up with.
Maybe I can find myself, too. Not just learn how to live, but find out who I am. Who cares about Finn? Who cares if he’s sexy as sin and also happens to be my new boss? Who cares that he didn’t want to kiss me?
I get out of bed and start getting ready for work. This summer is about more than having a fling with my brother’s best friend. It’s about me, and the person I want to become.
12
Finn
This is a disaster. I let my dick-brain override my real brain and get the rest of me into a terrible situation. Esme’s going to be at the shop this morning, and we’ll both have to pretend nothing happened.
I mean, nothing did happen, though, right?
Would Sweeney think lying down next to his sister under a blanket of stars is nothing? Would he think her tangling her fingers into my hair is nothing? Letting my fingers drift over her body is nothing?
I should’ve just kissed her. What would it change? At least if I’d have gone through with it, I could’ve actually tasted her lips instead of giving myself blue balls for no reason.
Can't Have You: A Stand-Alone Brother's Best Friend Romance Page 7