“She was telling the truth?” Esme’s holding her beer close to her chest, her eyes bugging out toward her brother.
He nods. “Yeah. They showed me pictures and everything.”
“What did they want?”
He takes another sip, then shakes his head. “My mother is in hospice. She asked Ali—my sister—to bring me back to see her before she dies. Her father agreed to come up here to find me. Apparently after my mother left Woodvale, she got help and got her life together. Didn’t bother calling me, though.”
“Oh,” Esme says softly, clutching her beer without opening it. “Are you going to go?”
He gives her a tight smile. “Yeah.” His gaze moves to me. “You think you can handle things at the shop for a few days?”
“Is Benji okay to handle the flights on his own?”
“Benji will be fine,” Kit says. “He’s a good pilot.”
“He’s green.”
“He’s qualified. He wants the hours. The garage has been quiet and he needs the money. He wants to step up.”
I bring my own beer to my lips, and an uneasy silence settles over the three of us. Esme stares at her brother and then steals a glance at me. She lets out a breath.
“Are you okay, Kit?”
The question pulls him from his thoughts. He nods. “I’m fine. Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything,” Esme replies.
“Don’t tell Lydia about this. She’d kill me if she knew I was leaving you alone here.”
“Cross my heart,” Esme says, smiling. “I wouldn’t dream of it. I’m enjoying my freedom.”
“Maybe a little too much. You won’t want to go back to the city, and then what would Lydia say?”
Esme chuckles softly, nudging her brother. “She’d live.”
His face darkens, and we both know he’s thinking of his own mother in the hospice care center.
Esme makes a noise. “Sorry. How long will you be gone?”
He shakes his head. “It’s fine. I don’t know. Ali said she thinks she’s near the end, so I could be gone a couple of weeks. I’ve booked a hotel for three days, and then I’ll see. I might not want to stay until the end.” He gulps. “I should go and get ready. Enjoy your dinner. I’ll see you when you get home.” He drains his beer and stands up. After a pause, Sweeney glances at me. “Keep an eye out for her, will you?”
Shame seeps through my arteries and poisons my blood. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be asking me that if he knew what Esme and I had been doing fifteen minutes ago.
I gulp, nodding. “Of course.”
“I’m right here, you know,” Esme says, waving at the two of us. “I don’t need protecting.” She stands up to walk her brother to the door.
Kit chuckles, rubbing his hand over her head. She grunts, flinching away from him. They stare at each other for a moment and then exchange a quick hug. I feel like I’m intruding.
Sweeney leaves, and Esme and I are alone again. The energy is different, now. The moment we shared is over.
She stares at the door for a few moments before turning to me. “Well, I guess that’s that.”
“We should make some dinner,” I say, heaving myself off the sofa. “How do you feel about pasta?”
“I feel good about pasta,” she smiles tiredly.
There’s a distance between us. Esme glances through the window for a moment before letting out a sigh. I can tell she’s worried about her brother. Hell—I am, too. I remember when all the shit went down with his mom before he left for Seattle. It was a mess. The whole town was talking about it. I lost my best friend when he moved away.
“What happened to his mom?” Esme asks, turning those honey-brown eyes back to me.
I take a deep breath. “I’m not exactly sure. It was fifteen years ago. She was always…odd.”
“Kit told me she was bipolar.”
I nod. “Yeah. I think he went through a lot of shit.”
Esme stares at the floor as I grab a packet of pasta from the cupboard, and I take a deep breath.
“She was paranoid. Always changing locks. Thought people were reading her mail. She’d say things about people following her home. That kind of thing. Couldn’t hold down a job. But then other times, she’d have us all over for these crazy dinner parties at her house. She’d take Kit away for weeks on these cross-country trips in the middle of the school year.” I put a pot of water on the stove, staring at it. I let out a dry snort. “She pierced my ears when I was thirteen. My mom wouldn’t let me do it, so Kit’s mom pierced them with an ice cube and an unsterilized needle.”
Esme snorts, her eyes widening. “What?”
“Look.” I show her the scar on my earlobe, and Esme lets out a low whistle.
I laugh, shaking my head. “I wasn’t allowed to go over to his house after that. It all started unraveling around that time. Kit’s dad—your dad—came by for one of his visits and saw the fridge was empty and Kit had no clean clothes. He’d been eating dinner at my place for weeks. Got a court order, sued for custody, and won.”
“And that’s when he came to live with us?”
I nod. “It was messy.” I turn away from her, grabbing an onion and a couple of cloves of garlic from the pantry. Esme takes a knife from my knife block and starts chopping whatever I give her. We don’t have to say much as we cook. It’s like we’re used to each other’s company. We work well together.
But there’s no heat between us now. Esme chews her lip, and her mind isn’t on our kiss.
When the food is ready, we sit down. Esme stares at me. “What happened next? With Kit’s mother?”
I shake my head. “I don’t really know. I was a kid. I just remember no one in town really talked about it, and she eventually moved away. The bank repossessed her house. It was in such a bad state that the new owners had to renovate the whole thing top to bottom.”
Esme twirls her fork in the spaghetti, staring at the pasta. “I didn’t know any of that.”
“I don’t think Sweeney likes talking about it much.”
“How did he turn out so happy if he’s been through so much?”
I shrug. “He had you and your parents. He had a good life. Became a pilot and is running his own business.”
“He’s strong,” she says, finally taking a bite of her food.
I want to say something to comfort her. I want to wrap my arms around Esme’s slight shoulders and tell her that it’s okay that she didn’t know. No one really knows what happened in those years. Sweeney never told me about it, either. Everyone moved on.
But when I think of Sweeney’s face today, as he gulped down his beer, I think maybe he hasn’t moved on at all. It’s his mother, after all. You don’t just forget about her.
Esme and I eat in silence, and I feel a shift between us. Kit told me to take care of her. To look out for her while he’s gone.
How would he feel if I hooked up with her, instead?
He’d fucking kill me. I would too, if the situation were reversed.
But she sits there, across the table, with her shaved head and whiskey eyes, and my heart tugs. I don’t want to keep her at arm’s length. I don’t want to protect her like a big brother would. I don’t want to watch as men like Racer lick their lips and dream of fucking her.
I want her to be mine. I want her to be in my bed every night. For her lips to be kissing me.
When Esme meets my gaze, all I see in her eyes are questions.
Sweeney leaving changes everything. It means that I could pursue her, if I wanted to. It’s the perfect opportunity…
…but it would make me an even bigger piece of shit than people already think I am.
I can’t do it. Not while my best friend is away visiting his dying mother. That’s low. Too low, even for the likes of me.
Esme is quiet for the rest of the meal, and I can tell she’s worried. I tell her to leave the dishes in the sink. I’ll deal with them when I get home.
“I’ll walk you home,” I say.
She nods, chewing on her nails and keeping her chin tucked into her chest. She pulls her beanie out of her purse and stuffs it over her head, and I immediately miss seeing her bare head. We make our way outside, and we both take a deep breath of fresh air as soon as we step into the night.
“Are we just going to ignore the fact that we kissed?” she finally asks, after we’ve walked halfway down the street.
A knife digs into my chest, twisting as I try to inhale. “I can’t ignore it.”
“But?”
“But with all this shit going on with Sweeney, I’m not sure it’s the right time…”
“I get it,” Esme says. Her eyes stare straight ahead, and she moves a fraction of an inch away from me. Her arm no longer brushes mine as we walk.
All I want to do is grab her hand and feel her fingers intertwined between mine—but I can’t.
It would be a betrayal. It would be turning my back on everything Sweeney’s asking of me while he’s facing one of the hardest things he’s had to experience.
I can’t pursue Esme. Not now. Maybe not ever.
I’m right back where I was a month ago, except this time, I know what Esme’s lips taste like—and it’s better than I imagined.
We walk the rest of the way in silence. Sweeney’s car is parked outside his house. Esme pauses, turning to look at me. She takes a step back, and I feel the distance in my gut.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I can’t decipher her expression. Does she regret kissing me? Do I regret it?
“Tomorrow,” I nod.
I watch her walk up to the house and lift my arm up toward Sweeney when he opens the door. He nods, letting Esme inside. I turn around and walk slowly back to my place, wishing Esme was coming back with me.
When I get home, I make my way up to the roof. Sucking down a beer, I stare up at the night sky.
A part of me—and I’m vaguely ashamed of it—is glad Kit will be out of town. Esme and I will be alone together most days.
I shake my head, chasing the thought away.
No matter what happened today, I can’t go there. I can’t be with Esme. I can’t betray Sweeney’s trust like that.
There’s a spark between Esme and me. Something exciting. Something that tugs at me in a primal way.
But now, more than ever, I can’t pursue her. Not until Sweeney comes back and I can talk to him about it, man to man.
17
Esme
In the morning, the house is quiet. Kit leaves early. I give him a tight smile, but he doesn’t return it. I wish I could help him.
Instead, I just watch him go. There’s a whole side to my brother that I don’t know. Another half to his family that was only spoken about in hushed terms. He has a past that he hasn’t shared with me that makes him who he is.
Maybe that’s why he grabs life by the horns, and I’m afraid of everything. He went through his trials and tribulations when he was young. I’m only emerging from mine now.
When his stepfather and new half-sister picks him up to drive to the airport, my chest feels tight. I know he won’t be gone long, but it still feels strange to watch him go. Kit has always been my safety net.
I pull on some work clothes I pick up off my bedroom floor and run my hand over my head. I reach for my beanie, then pause. Maybe I should keep it off from now on?
But it feels comforting under my fingertips, and I find myself pulling it down over my ears. After a quick bite to eat, I head to the skydiving center.
It feels strange knowing Kit’s gone. I came here to spend the summer with him, to make some money, and to have a safe test run at being on my own. Now, after just a month, I’m well and truly by myself.
Well, that’s not true. There’s Willow, and Max, and Jackson…
…and Finn.
Whenever he’s near, I never feel alone. The memory of our kiss still lingers on my lips. I bring my fingers up to brush them as I walk toward the shop, a shiver of heat still coursing through my veins.
My cheeks burn when I think about Finn’s reaction when he walked me home. He doesn’t want to kiss me again. It’s just more proof that he sees me as Kit’s little, sick sister, and not as my own person.
It’s infuriating.
Everybody always treats me like I’m going to break. They coddle, protect, and baby me. I know that Finn wants to be a good friend to Kit, but what about me? What about the fire that burns between us?
When I push the shop door open, I expect to see Finn behind the desk. He’s not there.
In his place is Racer. He glances up at me, flashing his usual, slightly sleazy smile at me.
“Hey, chick,” he says. “You look beautiful this morning, as usual.”
“Thanks.” I tug my hat down lower, hating the way his stare makes me squirm. I move behind the desk, wishing he wasn’t standing so close to me. He takes a step back as I sit down behind the computer, tapping on the keyboard to log in. I glance up at him. “You’ve got quite a few bookings this week.”
Thank goodness. Hopefully you’ll stay out of the shop.
“More time in the air and more time in the shop…if I’m lucky.” He winks, and I try not to retch. Racer runs a hand through his shaggy hair, flashing me a roguish smile. “Maybe you and I should go out sometime.”
“What do you mean?” I keep my eyes on the screen.
“Well, I mean we should go out. Dinner, a movie, maybe some dessert…”
My fingers hover over the keyboard as nausea rolls through my stomach. Is he implying…?
He leans over my chair. “I could show you around town. Give you a tour. Or we could just take it easy and watch a movie at my place.”
A noise makes us turn. Finn stands in the back doorway, his eyes dark and stormy. They flick between me and Racer.
A tendril of heat snakes through my stomach. Is it wrong that I like the look on his face? And I like how it made Racer back up a bit?
Finn jerks his head. “You heading to the airfield now?”
“Yeah. Benji is picking me up—” A car honks outside, and all three of us turn to look outside. Racer grunts. “And there he is.”
“You have four back-to-back jumps today,” Finn says.
Racer lifts his hand up in mock salute. “All over it, boss.” He flashes me another grin and a wink, and then heads out the door. As soon as the car drives off, Finn strides to the front door and turns the lock. When he faces me, his face is shuttered. Closed off. Unreadable.
“Back room,” he commands.
“Why?”
He doesn’t answer. Instead, he just jerks his chin toward the door marked ‘Staff Only.’ I stand up, letting him stride past me and open the door. He leads me to the back office, where he holds the door open just long enough for me to walk through.
When he closes it behind me, we face off.
“Finn, what’s this about?”
“You should stay away from Racer.”
I arch an eyebrow, crossing my arms. “Why is that?”
“He’s not a good guy.”
“And you are? If I remember correctly, Jackson told me to stay away from you. Something about a train wreck…?”
“This isn’t about me.”
“Oh? Who’s it about?”
His eyes glow like hot coals, and I love the way they darken. Get mad, Finn. Get angry. Say what you want to say.
“It’s about you, Esme. Your brother told me to look out for you while he’s away. I can’t let you—”
“Let me?”
The heat is gone from my gut. It rises in my chest, burning through my throat as anger flares inside me. Does Finn think that just because he kissed me once, he owns me now?
He sighs, rubbing his fingers over his eyes. “Esme, I’m only trying to protect you.”
“Protect me from what, Finn? And why do you need to protect me from anything?”
“Because your brother asked me to.”
“I’ve been through a lot in my life,” I spit. “I may have
lived with my parents and I haven’t gone to college, but I’m not a fucking child.”
“I never called you a child.”
“Is this about last night?” Sparks are racing through my veins now. Anger tightens my muscles.
“No,” Finn says, sighing.
“So, what? Are you jealous?”
“No.” His jaw clenches. He’s lying.
“You are.”
“Fine. I’m jealous. I’ll admit it. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t know. I just do.” He stares at me, gulping. His chest heaves, and silence settles between us.
“You can’t kiss me, turn around and tell me we shouldn’t take it any further, and then get mad when another man looks at me. That’s not how this works.”
Tension ripples through Finn’s shoulders. He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment.
Even in this room, with anger radiating off the both of us, a hint of desire still makes me yearn for him. Heat settles between my thighs, and the sight of Finn trying to control himself only makes it burn hotter.
I still want him, even if he doesn’t want me. I still want to feel his lips on mine. His tongue. His hands. His cock. I want to feel it pulsing against me as he grinds his hips into me. I want to know exactly what I do to him. What he thinks about, late at night, when he’s alone.
But Finn’s shoulders drop, and he shakes his head. “I can’t do this, Esme.”
“We’re not doing anything.” I glance at my watch. “We were supposed to open five minutes ago. I have work to do.”
Stomping back to the front door, I turn the lock and flip the sign from ‘closed’ to ‘open.’ I drop onto the desk chair and keep my eyes on the screen, even when Finn emerges from the office and stands in the doorway, staring at me. I can feel the heat of his gaze. I can sense the desire rippling off him in hot, pulsating waves.
He doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t get to kiss me, toss me aside, and still act like he owns me. I don’t know how girls usually let him treat them, but I’m not like that. I have a scrap of self-respect, and I won’t let him walk all over me.
Can't Have You: A Stand-Alone Brother's Best Friend Romance Page 11