by Megan Smith
“So let me start from the beginning…”
Layla laid everything out for me. She was embarrassed of where and how she lived. Her mom is an alcoholic who skipped town on her and a little sister who I didn’t know anything about. She also told me that I was right to hate Brian. He had been hitting her for a while. She never left because he was helping her pay the bills to keep the roof over their heads and food on their table.
By the time she was done telling me, she was a crying mess and I was crying right along with her. And Brian’s last words ring out in my head, “You might be laughing now but you’ll be crying later.”
“Jay,” Cooper lifts his shoulder pulling me from my sleep, “you’re crying, baby. What’s the matter?”
I sit up still hiccupping from crying. I wipe my eyes with the backs of my hands and I look down to my lap since I can’t bring myself to look anyone in the eye.
Cooper lifts my chin so I’m looking up to him. “I’m going to take you home. You need to get some sleep.”
I shake my head the whole time. Out of the corner of my eye I notice that the room is empty except for Erin and Mrs. Del Luca. I guess everyone figured they couldn’t do anything right now so they went home. “I have to stay for Eli.”
Erin pipes up, “I’ll call if anything changes.” I hope beyond hope that Eli pulls through this and that he’s okay or it’s going to wreck Erin, and then his niece, Sophia, will lose the one man she has in her life.
“See?”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath know that I have to say goodbye to Layla’s mom. Cooper stands and holds out a hand for me. I turn my body slightly in her direction and as soon as our eyes connect we both start crying again.
Mrs. Del Luca gets up from her chair and wraps me in her arms. “Thank you for loving my daughter. She was so lucky to have a friend like you.”
I’m angry at her. I want to scream and shout that maybe if she wasn’t such a shitty mom that Layla might not be dead. But then I think of Fallon, sweet little Fallon. She is going to be beside herself when she hears about the news. I decide to not even respond back to what she said because I’m afraid she won’t like it. As much as I hate her, no parent should ever have to bury their child.
Cooper takes a step over to Erin and hugs her, “Call us if anything at all changes.”
“I will.”
Erin and I share a long hug and then Cooper and I make our way out of the hospital and down to the car. When I step outside the cold air hits me in the face but it feels good against my flushed face. At least I can feel something.
When we get home the first thing Cooper does is get a bath ready for me. He helps me into the bathroom, removes my clothes and puts a clean towel on the rack for me. Most of the time when I need a little time to myself, Cooper leaves me alone in here to clear my head but I don’t want that tonight. I want to be wrapped up in his arms. I want his shield around me.
“Stay with me,” I say as Cooper turns to leave the bathroom.
He looks over his shoulder. “You sure?”
I nod.
Cooper strips out of his clothes leaving them in a pile at his feet. He climbs into the huge tub first and then helps me in. I sit between his legs and lean back against him. Together we sit in silence for a while. It’s not uncomfortable but it’s intense. We’re both working through our thoughts about today. So much has been altered in the last twenty-four hours. Our lives have forever changed.
Cooper startles me when he speaks. His voice bounces off the walls. “Remember when Fallon called us aunt and uncle for the first time?” I love how he’s remembering her and it’s such a happy memory.
“We were sitting out on the deck at Eli’s about to eat dinner when she asked why she didn’t have any relatives,” my heart squeezes and tears prick my eyes. “That little girl captured my heart that night. The look on her face when I told her that you and I would like to be her aunt and uncle.”
We’re quiet again both remembering that night and the look on her face. Her crazy curly blonde hair was sticking up everywhere, her blue eyes shone bright and when she smiled that little dimple on her left cheek winked at us.
Another memory flashes in my mind. Layla called me late one night and was in a little panic. She couldn’t figure out how to slip money under Fallon’s pillow when she lost her first tooth. When Cooper found out a few days later he handed her a twenty-dollar bill. Layla was pissed but she never said anything to Cooper. He was as star struck about Fallon as I was.
“Remember that game we took Fallon to last summer?”
“Yeah.”
I huff, “She was bored out of her mind but the second that guy came around with the peanuts and popcorns she was all about being there.”
Cooper cups some warm water up to my shoulders. “I thought for sure it would have been Buster. The dumb mascot normally gets all the kids going before and during the game.”
“Do you think we can bring her to another game this summer?” It’ll never be the same as it was last year but I know by the end of the game Fallon really liked going. She even thought Cooper signing autographs for the fans was pretty cool, probably because she was the one standing next to the athlete the entire time like she was as famous as he was.
“Of course, just let me know what game you all want to come to.”
This could be a good thing with Cooper starting with a new league this year. The games will be at a new field and it’ll be a first that I can share with Fallon. It won’t be a painful memory to go back to that stadium.
“I feel like such a dick for giving Eli a hard time about Layla. I thought for sure that he only wanted to have a one night stand,” I feel his shoulders slump. “I should have just left it alone though.”
I lift my head off his chest. “I knew long before everyone else did that they were getting serious about each other.”
Cooper looks surprised. “You did?”
I nod. “Yeah, how could I not? I was practically living with them during the summer and when I wasn’t over there I was at Fierce.”
He sighs loudly, “I hate that I’m leaving again.”
I shake my head. “Baseball is your world, Cooper. It’s who you are, it’s what you know.” I turn my body to the side and place my hand on his arm, “You can’t feel bad leaving every time. I knew what I was getting into long before we made anything official. This is our life and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
He looks down to where my hand is. “It’s different this time, Jay.”
“It is but it doesn’t change anything.” It changes everything. Nothing is the same anymore.
Cooper shifts to sit up straight and brings me back against him again. He slides his arms underneath mine and rests his hands on my stomach. “This changes everything.”
A tear escapes my eye. “Tell me the truth.”
“Always.”
I take a deep breath and then let it out. “Are you really okay with this?”
He doesn’t hesitate for a single second. “Absolutely.”
“Everything is so messed up, Cooper,” I cry.
He leans his chin down on my shoulder. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. I promise you it will be. Everything will work out, it always does.”
Everything will work out, it always does.
I try holding the tears back but my lips start quivering. “She said the exact same thing.”
“She was a smart girl.”
“Just hold me for a while, okay?” Cooper’s arms tighten around me.
We climb from the tub when the water turns cold. Cooper helps dry me off taking extra time around my stomach. He leans forward to place a kiss just below my belly button and I have to bite my lip to stop crying. He’s so sweet and is going to be one amazing dad. When I’m dry, Cooper stands me in front of the mirror, takes my brush from the drawer and brushes my hair. He even blow dries it a little too because he knows I hate going to bed with wet hair.
When we’re done Cooper slips his old
baseball t-shirt over my head and hands me the pill the doctor prescribed with a glass of water. While I’m taking the pill Cooper slides a pair of boxer briefs on and gestures to our bed, a welcome solace of comfort that we both need in this moment. Together we climb into bed holding on to each other with everything we have. We’re each other’s life line as we drift off to sleep.
Early the next morning I wake up crying. My mind spinning with memories of Layla and what we would find out about Eli today. I reach over and grab my phone off the nightstand to see if I had any messages. I only had one from Erin saying that Eli had been moved to ICU until some of the swelling around his brain went down. As I lay here next to Cooper I watch every breath that he takes. I run my hand across his chest and place it over the steady beat of his heart. God, I don’t want him to leave me but I’d never tell him that. If I told him I wasn’t strong enough to deal with all this on my own he’d never leave. I could never let him chose me over baseball, he’d resent me I just know it.
I roll over onto my back, place a hand on my lower stomach and make a vow to be strong for all of us. Our relationship is a give or take and this is me giving. “It’s me and you, little baby,” I whisper.
Cooper stirs next to me. He throws an arm around me and pulls me close. “It’s you, me, and the baby,” he mumbles into my hair. I hadn’t realized he was awake. He doesn’t say anything more about it. So I decide that he either thought I was talking about me and him and I left the baby out or was adding him into the equation.
When we finally roll out of bed, Cooper insists on feeding me before he takes us back to the hospital.
“I’m not hungry,” I whine.
Cooper puts some scrambled eggs on the plate in front of me. “Eat.” With the look he was giving me I knew I couldn’t push him on this.
We toss the dirty dishes in the sink and head over to the hospital. I should probably call my mom, tell her what’s going on but I just don’t want to talk about it right now. Plus, I’m sure Hunter’s told her.
Erin is still wearing the same clothes from yesterday when we arrive at the hospital. Her eyes are red with dark circles. Cooper asks what’s going on with Eli. Turns out he has a hairline fracture to his skull, a broken nose, and a dislocated jaw. Every time I look at him I have to turn my head. His face is so unrecognizable. Both his eyes are almost swollen shut and they’re black and blue. His nose is slightly crooked with a gash across the top and his swollen jaw is slightly yellow.
Cooper takes a seat in the empty chair near Eli’s bed. “Why don’t you go home, get some sleep. Jay and I will stay for a while.”
Erin turns her head towards her brother. “Oh God.”
I come up behind her placing my hands on her arms. “He’s alive,” I remind her. “All this will heal.” This is the first time we’ve all got to see him since he was admitted.
“I know,” she sniffs. “I just can’t believe someone would do this to them.”
Laugh now but you’ll be crying later.
I shake the chill away from those words. “Get some rest. He’s going to need you.”
Erin shakes her head. “Okay I’ll be back soon.” She gets to the door and turns to Cooper and I. “You’ll call if anything changes?”
I hold up my cell phone. “We will.”
She nods and steps out of the door.
Cooper and I sit in silence for a while, the sounds of the monitors filling up the room. Around lunch time Cooper goes for a walk saying he needed to make a few phones calls letting people know that Fierce would be closed until at least March and giving his coach a heads up about what’s going on so he can take a few extra days before leaving for spring training.
And this is how our lives go for four days. Sleep, eat, hospital, repeat. Since Erin takes the night shifts staying with Eli, I take the mornings, and Cooper takes the evenings. We didn’t want him waking up without one of us around.
I was reading on my Kindle sipping my one and only cup of coffee that is suggested during pregnancy per the research that Cooper did. Eli’s hand twitched and I caught it out of the corner of my eye. I waited to see if it happened again before going to get the nurse. This time his head turned. I jumped to my feet and got one of the nurses. While the nurses were working with Eli, who quickly started pulling the tube out of his mouth, I called and texted Erin and Cooper.
After the nurses removed his tubes the proper way it was like he was never asleep. He’s looking around the room confused by what’s going on. The nurse tells me she’s going to call for the doctor to come and check on him and that they would be back shortly.
Eli’s black and blue eyes land on me. “Where’s Layla?” Are his first words to me. He doesn’t remember anything about what happened.
“Cooper will be up in a little bit. He’ll tell you what’s going on,” I send a little prayer up to the heavens to keep my shit together. Do not cry. Do not cry.
“What the fuck is going on?” he snaps.
I can’t keep it in any longer, the water works start and there is no stopping them. After helping Mrs. Del Luca plan Layla’s funeral, the police asking me questions, Cooper leaving in a few days, I was tapped out.
“If you can’t fucking tell me what’s going on, then get out.”
“I’m sorry,” I manage to get out. “I’m so sorry, Eli.”
His eyes cloud over and then he frowns. He realizes he’s upset me and he would never do that on purpose. “I’m sorry I snapped at you but please just tell me what’s going on.”
I wipe my nose with the tissue that I was holding and knew I couldn’t wait for Cooper to tell him. “Layla…” I look up to the ceiling praying that I can get the words out. “Her heart gave out on the operating table and they weren’t able to save her.”
“No!” Eli shouts as all kinds of alarms start going off.
A few nurses come flying in trying to figure out what’s going on while I sit here crying. Will this ever get any easier?
“Sweetheart,” the nurse who helped me when I fainted starts to say. “We’re going to need you to leave the room for a little while, okay?” I start to stand up from the chair feeling a little dizzy. “We’re going to give him a little bit of medicine to calm him down.”
When I step out into the hallway Cooper is walking towards me and then he’s running. His eyes are wild as he sees me leaning against the wall crying.
“Jay, what’s going on?”
I wrap my arms around him. “I had to tell him, he was getting so worked up like he was afraid of the reality of what he wasn’t able to protect. I had to tell him before he hurt himself,” I stammer as more tears rack my body and crush my soul.
Cooper walks us down to a waiting room where he calms me down. “Jay, he’s reacting the way any man would who lost what he’s lost and you have to know that this has nothing to do with you,” Cooper tells me. “If it was me laying in that bed dealing with what Eli is dealing with right now, I don’t know that anything would keep me sane, just give him his space and let him know that we are going to be here for him and Fallon every step of the way.”
God, I love this man, he’s my life vest because without his voice of reason and his unwavering compassion, I’d have sunk so low right now with all the shit I’m going through. I can’t and won’t let my mind venture into the unknown of how I’m going to deal with things when he’s not with me every day.
Cooper
The funeral is planned the day after Eli is released from the hospital. Only close friends and the little bit of family Layla had had shown up. It just goes to show how private Layla really kept her life. Mrs. Del Luca had decided it was best not to bring Fallon. She wanted her to remember her sister the way she used to be, happy and smiling.
Eli came looking like hell. He wore that purple shirt that Layla loved. I only knew this because Layla had been trying to get us to change out the blue color scheme in Fierce to purple, her favorite color. Eli didn’t stay long. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her, none of us wer
e. He’s hurting. The day following Eli’s breakdown, Jaylinn and I learned that he had proposed to Layla that night. He said he didn’t plan on doing it right then and there but it just turned out to be the perfect time. I think that’s what’s really killing him right now. He found that one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and she was ripped away from him without even a chance to start planning their future.
Jaylinn stands beside me dressed in a black dress and black heels. I had to help her get dressed because she refused to accept that she had to bury her best friend today. I called MacKenzie to come over and help with her hair and make-up. Since finding out that she was pregnant she has been handling things better than I thought she would have. Jaylinn’s only had a few breakdowns and I’ve been there each and every time.
As everyone says their final farewell to Layla, I take Jaylinn’s hand and we step a little closer to Layla’s final resting place. Jaylinn’s hand is shaking so badly. She takes a single white daisy, Layla and her mom’s favorite, and places it on top of Layla’s casket. “I love you like you were my sister and I’m going to miss you every single day,” Jaylinn swallows her cry, holding it together. “Don’t worry about Fallon. Eli and I will make sure she’s taken care of. I promise you that,” she kisses her finger tips and places them on the casket.
Jaylinn wraps her arms around me and I hold her tight to me. I say my final farewells to Layla while holding onto Jaylinn for the strength I draw from her, “I know I never got a chance to tell you this but I’m proud of you. You’re an amazing girl and probably one of the strongest, too.” I lean forward and place my daisy on her casket. “Until we meet again.”
Jaylinn and I stand together for just another minute staring at Layla’s tombstone.
Layla Del Luca
March 16, 1993 – February 13, 2015
Always in our thoughts
Forever in our hearts
After the funeral is over we are on our way to Fierce. Jaylinn wants to check on Eli. I’ve got a meeting over in Reading, Pennsylvania, with management so I can’t stay long.