by Marisa Logan
As the day wore on, Jenny realized she wouldn't be able to avoid the inevitable. When she knew she couldn't put it off any longer, she checked the bus schedules on her phone. She had a number of missed texts and voice mails from her mother, but she deleted them all without reading them.
“I can take the last bus of the day,” she told Jeremy. “I want to get as much time together as possible.”
He pulled her into his arms and leaned his cheek against hers. “This won't be the last time we get together. We'll see each other again.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
After dinner, they went upstairs to clean up and pack. Halfway through packing they took each other into a warm embrace. Jenny clung to Jeremy for as long as she could, not wanting the weekend to end. But she knew that sooner or later, she had to let go.
She shoved her costume into her bag and zipped it up. They headed downstairs and Jeremy drove her to the bus station. Before she got on the bus, he pulled out his wallet. “I want to make sure you have enough for cab fare from the bus station to your house.”
“You don't need to do that.” She wrung her hands, ashamed that she needed to accept anyone's help. She barely had enough cash left to pay for her return ticket, however, so she didn't see any way around it.
“You can pay me back when you come visit me in Philly,” Jeremy said with a wink. “You'll love it there. We have the art museum from Rocky.”
“I've never seen Rocky.”
“You're kidding, right?” He frowned and scratched his head. “How could your mom not let you see Rocky? There's no witches or anything remotely devil-like.”
“Too violent, I guess.” Jenny shrugged.
“All right.” He took her hands. “Then when you come visit, we'll have a Rocky movie marathon and go to the art museum.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
They kissed, then she held him for as long as she could, until the bus was about to leave without her. She climbed aboard and found her seat, then watched out the window as the bus pulled away and Jeremy was left behind.
She managed to hold back her tears until he was out of sight.
Chapter 10
Jenny's trip home was mostly uneventful. The bus ride was boring, except for a brief bit of drama when a man in the back had to be escorted off the bus for lewd behavior. She called a cab for a ride from the bus station to home, and ended up with a little bit of Jeremy's cash leftover. She tucked it away into a pocket in her backpack, determined to pay him back the next time she saw him.
When she got out of the cab, she stared at the dark house. It was very late, and she was sure the kids would be asleep. She thought about whether to wake her mother up and tell her she was home, or let her sleep and face her wrath in the morning. Putting off the inevitable encounter seemed like the best idea, especially since she didn't want to deal with her mother without getting a good night's sleep first.
She unlocked the door as quietly as she could and slipped into the house. Her mother was asleep on the couch. Jenny tiptoed past her and into her bedroom, then shoved her backpack under her bed and climbed under the covers.
“You're home,” Kathy whispered from across the room.
“Yeah.”
“Mom's super pissed at you.”
Jenny studied her sister's expression in the dark room. Kathy was the only one of her siblings that was old enough to really understand what was going on. Cassie was so young that she would probably only know that Jenny was “in trouble,” without understanding the deeper nuances involved in Jenny's search for freedom and personal growth. And while Mark was getting old enough to understand such things, he probably didn't know anything about sex yet, and so he wouldn't really know what Mom had essentially caught Jenny doing.
“Everything's going to be fine,” Jenny whispered. “Mom will get over it.”
Kathy was silent for a long while. Jenny thought she had fallen asleep, but then she asked, “Did you really spend the night in a hotel with a boy?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you...do it with him?”
“Yeah,” Jenny said. “We...we had sex.”
“What was it like?”
Jenny stared at the ceiling, trying to find the words to explain the experience. “It felt good. I mean, it hurt at first, but then I got used to it, then it felt really good. And it was like...” She reached a hand out, grasping for the words. “It was like being able to trust someone in a way you've never trusted anyone before.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Well, you have to trust someone to be naked with them. And to let them touch you and know they won't hurt you. Not on purpose, anyway. And to know that they're trying to make you feel good and not just trying to make themselves feel good, you know?”
“I guess.”
Jenny smiled at her sister. “You'll understand when you're older.”
Kathy chewed on her lip for a moment, then said, “I let Tommy Coulahan touch my boobs. And I kissed him.”
Jenny giggled, surprised that her little sister had already done things that Jenny herself hadn't before this weekend. Though Kathy had always been the bolder of the two. “Did you like it?”
“Kind of.” Kathy shrugged. “He squeezed too hard. But I liked being touched.”
They laid there in silence for a few minutes. Then Kathy said, “Don't tell Mom, okay?”
“I won't.”
“Good.”
Jenny pulled the covers up over herself and laid there, thinking about life, about growing up, and about where she would go from here. And she couldn't stop thinking about Jeremy's touch, and the sweet taste of his kisses.
Chapter 11
Jenny woke up before anyone else in the morning. It was a habit she'd developed as she got older, and her mother put more and more responsibility for the younger kids on her. She had to make them breakfast, get them cleaned up, and start them on their lessons for the day. Their mother had neglected their homeschooling for years, and if Jenny wasn't teaching her younger siblings, they wouldn't be learning anything at all. Not that there was anyone to teach her anything. Almost everything she'd learned over the years, she'd had to teach herself.
She was at the stove cooking some eggs and french toast when her mother came in. “Jennifer,” she said, her voice cold and unforgiving. “You have some answering to do.”
Jenny's spine stiffened. Memories of childhood beatings stirred in her head. “I don't have anything to answer for.”
“The hell you don't! Sneaking out of the house like that. Going off to lay in sin with some stranger from the internet.”
“He's not a stranger, Mom.”
“You met him online!” She stalked across the kitchen and snatched the spatula from Jenny's hands, holding it like it was a sword. “He could be anybody. A rapist. A serial killer.”
“Jeremy isn't like that.”
“Oh, you think he's not? He sure got your head all twisted up in a knot. That outfit you were wearing! How did he trick you into it? That's what I want to know. He must have put those ideas in your head, because no daughter of mine—”
“'No daughter of yours'? That's what this is all about, isn't it? You don't care about me at all. You just care about how I might affect your reputation.” Jenny threw her hands in the air. “God forbid the women at church find out your slut daughter went and had sex.”
“Don't you speak that way to me.” Her mother shook the spatula at her.
“Or what? You'll ground me? News flash, Mom, I'm a freaking adult.”
“Don't you dare use that kind of language. I will not stand for that in my house.”
Jenny put a hand on her hip and stared her mother down. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her little brother and sisters huddled in the hall, watching the argument. “Well guess what? I won't be in your house much longer. As soon as I get a job, I'm out of here.”
“What? You'll abandon me? Abandon your family?” Mom clutched at her c
hest in horror. “Who will help me out around the house? Who will take care of the children?”
“Maybe you should try taking care of your own children for a change. I'm sick of having to act like the second mother around here! I want to live my own life.”
“You ungrateful...” Her mother looked her up and down. “I don't know who you've become, Jennifer. Dressing like that.” She gestured to the short skirt Jenny was still wearing. “Tempting men with your body.”
“Oh, I'm sorry,” Jenny said, rolling her eyes. “I thought Jeremy tricked me. Now it's my fault for 'tempting' him just by trying to look pretty?”
“Don't try to flip this around, Jennifer.”
“Your whole belief system is flipped around, Mom. A girl can't look nice, or else she's being a slutty temptress and filling men with all kinds of urges. But it's the guy's fault for 'tricking' a girl into wanting sex. News flash, Mom.” Jenny flashed her fingers at her mother like a bulb going off. “I had sex because I liked it!”
“No.” Her mother shook her head and slammed the spatula down on the kitchen counter, breaking it in half. “I will not have a daughter who gives in to Satan like that.”
“Gives in to Satan?” Jenny pursed her lips in thought. “Is that what I was doing?”
Her mother's face went ashen with horror. “The devil's child!” she screamed. “That man has seduced you into unnatural things. Sodomy and sin! Is this how he got you to do it?”
She snatched the ruby pendant from Jenny's neck, holding it in her fist.
Jenny's eyes went wide. She grabbed her mother's hand. “Give that back! Jeremy gave that to me.”
“He doesn't love you, Jennifer,” her mother said, pushing her back. Jenny stumbled backwards and slammed into the kitchen counter. “This is what men do. They give you gifts to buy you, to make you think they love you. You need to learn not to be tempted by material things.”
“Mom, no!”
Jenny rushed forward, but before she could reach her, Mom threw the pendant down into the garbage disposal and flipped on the switch.
Jenny dropped to her knees in front of the sink, crying. The sound of grinding metal and crushed dreams filled the kitchen.
Her mother flipped off the disposal. She stood over Jenny, staring her down. “Now, maybe you've learned your lesson.”
Mom stalked off, ushering the kids out of the hall and back into their bedrooms. Jenny slowly rose to her feet. She grabbed a pair of tongs and tried to fish the necklace out of the garbage disposal, but all that remained was a mangled mess of twisted metal.
Chapter 12
Jenny stormed into her bedroom. Her fists were clenched and hot tears streamed down her cheeks. Her mother was already there, with Jenny's phone and laptop in her hands.
“Those are mine!” Jenny shouted.
“I paid for these things,” Mom said. “And now I see it was a mistake. You'll get them back when you can be responsible. When I can trust you not to do who knows what with men from the internet.”
She left the room, taking Jenny's electronics with her. Jenny looked around the room, grabbing handfuls of her hair and tugging on them in frustration. “I can't believe her. I can't believe her!”
Kathy sat on her bed, huddled in the corner. “Mom's such a witch.”
“She's beyond witch,” Jenny said. “She's...”
She stopped looking around the room. Calm started to settle over her.
“She's someone I won't be dealing with anymore.”
She pulled her backpack out from under the bed and started cramming everything she could fit into it. She focused on the things that would be hardest to replace: her rare comics, some of her nicer homemade clothes, a few gifts her father had given her when she was younger. She brought only a couple of changes of clothes, along with her sewing kit. She could replace most of her clothing, and she was done with long skirts and chaste blouses. When she was on her own, she'd start building a new wardrobe.
She pulled a duffel bag out of the closet and filled it with as much as she could carry. She was leaving behind a lot. Childhood toys and knickknacks that she no longer needed. Books and diaries that were too heavy to carry. Her collection of stuffed animals. None of it was precious enough that she couldn't afford to leave it behind. Though she did bring Mr. Fabulous, her neon pink stuffed zebra. She shoved him in the duffel bag on top of some clothes, a few notebooks of her fan fiction writing and some other short stories she'd devised over the years, and her sketchbook of comic characters.
She pulled the backpack over her shoulders, slung the duffel bag across her chest, and looked around the room, saying goodbye to the rest. Maybe one day, when things settled between her and her mother, she could come back for it all.
“You're really leaving this time, aren't you?”
Jenny looked up and saw tears in her sister's eyes. She pulled Kathy into a hug, stroking her hair. “It's what I have to do,” she whispered. “You understand that, right? I need to be my own person.”
“Oh, I get it,” Kathy said, her voice choked with tears. “I kinda wish I could go with you.”
“Give yourself a few more years,” Jenny said, pulling back and reaching up to wipe Kathy's tears away. “I'm sure you're going to be out on your own the day you turn eighteen.”
“Heck yes I am.” Kathy laughed, scrubbing her sleeve across her eyes.
“I'll keep in touch,” Jenny said. “Once I get a new phone, we can text and email and video chat. It'll be fine.”
Kathy nodded, then looked down the hall to Mom's room. “Are you going to tell Mom you're leaving?”
“No.” Jenny shook her head. “Go distract her for me? I want to say goodbye to Cassie and Mark.”
She headed down the hall into her siblings' room. She gave them both hugs, quickly explaining why she had to leave. Mark simply shrugged and said, “Good luck.”
Cassie, on the other hand, refused to accept it.
“Why do you have to go?” she asked.
Jenny knelt down in front of her sister and kissed her forehead. “Because I'm grown up now,” she whispered. “And when you grow up, you need to move out on your own, and start your own life.”
“But I don't want you to go.” She clung to Jenny, trembling. “Who's going to cook French toast?”
“Kathy can do it.”
Cassie made a face, shaking her head. “She burns it.”
“Well, you guys will have to work it out.” She ran her hand through her little sister's hair. “I'm not gonna be gone forever, okay? I'll come visit.”
Cassie nodded, though she kept clinging to her until Jenny had to pull away. “You be good, kiddo, okay?”
She nodded, wiping tears from her eyes. Jenny turned to leave, hurrying to go before her resolve broke.
Mom caught her just as she was walking out the door. “Jennifer Marie Campbell!” She stormed across the living room. “You walk out that door, don't you dare ever come back!”
“Don't worry,” she said without turning to face her mother, “I won't.”
Chapter 13
For the first few hours, Jenny just walked. She didn't even think about hitchhiking, or trying to find a way to afford a bus. She just needed to put time and distance between herself and her mother.
For awhile she cried, missing her siblings. Though the further from home she got, the more she was convinced that she'd made the right choice. Part of her wished that she hadn't done it the exact way that she had. It would have been better and simpler if she'd left on good terms, packing her things into a moving van and leaving with her mother's blessing. But with how toxic her mother had become, she knew she couldn't have waited any longer.
Her legs were starting to ache as she traveled along the side of the highway, heading vaguely north.
She had no idea where to go or what to do. Without really making a conscious decision, she had started heading for Philadelphia. She knew it was more than 700 miles, much too far to walk. And she had no idea what she would do when s
he got there.
She didn't know where Jeremy lived, and she doubted he was ready for her to just drop in on him asking for a place to crash. Just because they'd been together didn't mean he'd want her living with him all of a sudden. She didn't want to put that kind of pressure on him. Especially since he was a nice enough guy that he would let her stay at his place, even if it made him uncomfortable.
No, she decided, she'd just have to find another solution. Get her own place. Find a job. She'd ask Jeremy if he wanted to start dating. Really dating, not writing erotic fan fiction together online. And then if that went well, then down the line they could talk about moving in together and turning their relationship into a serious commitment.
Her stomach started to grumble, reminding her that she hadn't had breakfast before she left the house. She kept walking up the highway until she saw a sign for a McDonald's, and stopped there to eat and think, using the money Jeremy had given her to pay.
While she ate, she pulled out a pen and notebook and started taking notes on everything she needed to do in order to get herself set up. She would need a job, an apartment, furniture, new clothes, her own cell phone plan. The estimated costs were daunting, especially since she wasn't even sure how many more meals she could afford right now. And she couldn't let herself put the burden on Jeremy or anyone else. It wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't feel right.
Another issue she realized was that she didn't even have any means of telling Jeremy she had moved out. She'd been so swept up in the weekend that she hadn't thought to ask for his phone number, and she no longer had access to a computer to use to email him.
She leaned her head on the table, letting out a long sigh. The more she thought about this, the more she felt completely and totally unprepared for the reality she was now facing.