by Louise J
We’re back on track now, even though one or two questions loom. We have reached a point where something’s got to give, it’s getting old now. I do need to know if she still feels something for me, and it’s time for her to be aware of how I feel. I’ll let the weekend happen, and then it’s time to sort this thing out.
It’s gone on for more than long enough.
Twenty Seven: Callie
Curling up on my side, buried under my bed cover, I feel a million times better now that we’ve spoken. I’d stay on the phone to Joe forever, if it were possible. His slow, smooth voice always soothes me and the edge of late night and sleep approaching make it huskier, sexier.
I wondered what he’d have thought or said if he’d known I’d slipped out of my undershirt and panties during our chat. For some reason, I felt the need to be naked with him, even though he wasn’t here in person. It brought him closer. I imagined how we’d feel, skin to skin, under my comforter.
I wondered what he’d have thought or said if he knew that most of the time I had my hand between my legs, my own dirty little secret. His voice is like sex to me, creeping up inside me, his warmth running through me. It was easy to allow that tonight; I have no one to suffer the guilt over, it didn’t feel wrong. If this is the way things will be, I’m certain I’ll be establishing another fine art based around Joe; the art of coming quietly.
I spent the whole conversation wondering what he’d have said if I told him all of a sudden, out of nowhere, that I love him. And that he is why I couldn’t make a full commitment to Nick. This secret has become a heavy burden to bear, but Joe doesn’t commit, he can’t give me what I want. I’d never make do, even for him. We have a strong friendship that’s worth keeping, irrespective of anything else.
My sister and Su have always told me Joe behaves the way he does because he, “Just needs the right woman,” and that I should confess my feelings. “You’re close, you have a special bond,” they always said. Yeah, right! Not a chance, never would I risk rejection from him. When Paige told him she loved him, he ran away. Joe is not the type of guy you profess your love to – period! No way am I stupid enough to believe that I can be the one to tame him, how deluded would that make me? Why would I be so special?
Friendship is our best option, and I prefer that over nothing at all.
****
After finishing my shift at the gallery, I arrive home miserable and restless. For the past three nights I’ve been this way and I didn’t sleep much last night.
Sitting at the kitchen table, with my laptop, I’m looking up the latest movie releases. An evening lost in fiction might help me relax and not think. It’s the thinking that’s the problem and it’s starting to drive me insane.
When my relationship with Nick ended, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, that I’d have a few difficult weeks, but I didn’t expect to feel worse over time. I still miss him and a part of me regrets my decision. Deep down I know I did the right thing, but that doesn’t stop me questioning my choices. My feelings are conflicted at the moment. I’m uncertain whether it’s Nick I miss, or having someone, though I believe it’s more likely the former. I also question if I let it all go on for too long with him, or if I should’ve tried harder. Maybe I should’ve moved in with him, to see how it felt, I could always have moved back out. I wanted time by myself, yet being on my own isn’t so great. A complete contradiction of emotions and that’s what’s causing the restlessness.
I’ve been back and forth between all my options and decisions without any kind of conclusion. I couldn’t even bring myself to see Eddie again, who thankfully understood it’s too soon for me. The last thing I want is to add further complications into the mix.
“Hey, what’s up?” Su asks, walking into the kitchen.
Still scanning the screen on my computer, I reply, “I’m just looking at the movie listings. I need to get out.”
“Why don’t we go together? Zack can do his own thing, and we can do something, just us.”
“That’d be nice. Is there something you want to see, or do you wonna go eat somewhere?” I ask, gazing up at her standing beside me.
She shrugs, smiling. “I really don’t mind, either. You decide, I’m gonna take a quick shower.”
We arrive at the local theater forty minutes before the thriller we’ve chosen is due to start. There isn’t a line, so we get our tickets right away. We sit in our preferred spot, middle of the back row. There aren’t many people in here, just one small group of friends at the front.
Throwing a salted popcorn, up in the air above me, I tilt my head back intending to catch it in my mouth. I miss, narrowly. Instead, it hits against my chest and rolls down into my cleavage. I pick it out with my fingers and eat it.
I have another attempt – throw, tilt, miss it.
And another – throw, tilt, third time lucky, I catch it. Hell, yeah.
‘Simple things please simple minds.’ It’s working as a good distraction, so I keep doing it. After a few more successful and unsuccessful attempts, I notice Su watching me with curiosity in her brown eyes. She really fucking rocks that blonde bob like no other.
“What’s wrong?” she eventually asks.
“Nothing.”
“Hey, guys,” a female voice I recognize calls, from my right.
“Saffron,” I say, my attention darting to her.
She and Adam sit with us, seeming pleased to have encountered Su and me here. Usually I wouldn’t mind. Usually I’d be as happy as they are, but I don’t need this tonight. I don’t envy what they have, I admire it.
I desire it.
They’re a perfect couple. Just like Su and Zack are. It isn’t their fault I’m so miserable, but encountering Saffron and Adam in this type of scenario isn’t good for me. It especially doesn’t help that it’s Joe’s brother, of all people. I just don’t get it, so many things about Joe and Adam are similar; their features, their beliefs, and a number of their interests. Yet what they want from women is at opposite poles.
I’ve been thinking about Joe more than usual, since our call on the weekend. I’ve realized that having Nick made it easier to keep my feelings for Joe somewhat suppressed. Don’t get me wrong, my love for him has always been there, and at times it’s been hard, but I could deal when I had someone else I cared about. The other breakups with Nick were more like time outs, meaning there was still a connection between us. I knew we’d get back together. When we did, we’d be good until it wasn’t enough for him and he wanted more. I loved him, and the relationship we had, I just couldn’t commit on a deeper level, even though I hoped I’d change over time and want the same thing. But it never happened.
Now I’m officially single and in love with Joe, and dealing with that is so much harder.
Another set of conflicting emotions; thinking about Joe so much more, but not wanting to think about him at all. I’ve even gone from being super excited about the plans we have coming up to questioning if it’s really bad timing. Overall, I hope the fun and distractions will help.
The four of us discuss the thriller we’re waiting to see. The lights are still on, and people continue to arrive. Time has frozen. The minutes don’t seem to be passing. I just want the movie to start already.
More popcorn throwing. The first one I catch. The second one lands in Saffron’s lap.
“Sorry,” I say, snickering as I pick it off of her.
“You okay?” she whispers, though I know Adam can hear.
I nod with the best smile I can manage. Not at all is the real answer to that question.
Another throw, this time it bounces off of my chin and onto the floor in front of me. The lights start to dim, the darkness consuming us. The previews start, bringing the theater back to life.
Perfect picture selection, the plot had me tense and gripped throughout. That was just what I needed, one hundred and two minutes of something other than my emotions to focus on. Outside the building, Su and I hug Saffron and Adam and say our goodbyes. Linking arms
, my best friend and I start our walk home.
“So what’s the matter? And don’t say nothing,” Su says, glancing sideways at me.
I shrug, conflicted, fed up, pathetic. “I wish I knew.”
Tugging on my arm, she pulls me into a diner we’re passing. There’s only a group of four people sitting by the window, and the chef and one waitress talking to each other behind the counter. We sit at the back of the restaurant, in the corner, with veggie burgers and fries. I’m not hungry, so pick at my bun and a fry or two. Su’s silent, her gaze following my fingers as they fiddle with my food. She hasn’t touched hers.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Su, I don’t understand my own head at the moment.”
“Zack saw Nick last week. He only remembered to tell me last night.” I’m happy they don’t do motocross together anymore, so any meetings between the two of them will be by chance only. It makes things easier for me.
“I feel a lot of guilt where Nick is concerned; I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He deserved better, I never should’ve kept him for so long.”
“Is that what’s bothering you?”
“No.” I slouch back in my seat and push my plate to one side. “He offered me everything I desired from a relationship. Who in their right mind walks away from that? Who in their right mind, instead, loves someone who offers nothing?”
“You don’t really know that, Callie, not for sure.” I shake my head. “You don’t. Sure, he doesn’t act like it, but I stand by what I say, the guy just needs the right woman.”
I stare her straight in the eyes. She has way too much faith in Joe, and as much as I love him, I’m not too blind to see what is obvious. Joe doesn’t have relationships; one night stands and fuck buddies is as good as it gets. “When he got with Paige I hated it, but it gave me some faith in him and look what happened there. He can’t offer me what I want.”
And right there is my problem. I want love, commitment and trust. I want Joe. But he can’t give me those things. So where does that leave me? Fucked, that’s where.
Absolutely fucked!
Sighing hard, I tip forward and rest my forehead on the table top. “Su, I’m gonna be single forever. I’m growing old alone, unless I fall out of love with Joe.” I close my eyes, my chest tightening with pain and recognition. I’m now, for the first time, truly facing up to the reality of this bullshit. If I was ever going to be with anyone that isn’t Joe, it would’ve been Nick. I’m positive about that. But I couldn’t do it, so that’s it, I am fucked.
“If that’s the way it is then it’s time you talk to him.” My head snaps up, eyes-wide, my jaw literally smacks off the table. “Don’t look at me like that. You can’t go on like this. Think about how you two are with each other. I’m not saying he feels what you do, but he’s probably never considered it because you’ve always been with Nick. Have you forgotten that first day we arrived in BlackArt? The way he looked at you?”
Actually, yes, I have. I straighten up. “That was seven years ago, that’s got nothing to do with now.”
“As I said, he probably hasn’t considered it because of Nick. You never know now that things have changed. Either way, your feelings aren’t going to alter, so you either tell him, or you can’t be friends. You can’t go on like this, that’s for sure. You do have choices. You’re scared, I can see that, but don’t let your fear hold you back. Carrying on as you are isn’t an option, Callie. I’ve never seen you so unsure, or troubled.”
Just the idea of telling Joe brings on a rush of nausea, but excluding him from my life doesn’t seem possible, at all. Going on like this doesn’t seem workable, either, not if the past three days is anything to go by. But if I tell him and he doesn’t want me, then what? He’ll know how I feel, and I’ll probably hate myself for sharing it with him. How could we stay friends after that? I don’t want to lose his friendship, not ever.
“How about this,” Su says, as though an idea has suddenly struck. She leans toward me. I mirror her body language. “What if I talk to Saff after we get back? Maybe even on the weekend, if the opportunity presents itself. I won’t go straight in with the love talk, in fact, I won’t even say you like him. I’ll just drop it as a, “I think they’d be great together,” and see what she says. She’ll know for sure if there’s a chance. If it’s a bad idea, then you’ll have no choice but to get over him.”
Even thinking of that makes my gut tighten, but it would be much easier. Christ, the thought of finding out he’s not interested scares the shit out of me. Maybe I do need to know. My feelings for Joe have remained solid over the years and I don’t see that changing without cause. Something’s got to give. “Okay,” I mumble, with fear spiking through me.
“Perfect! Now, please, relax until then and enjoy the weekend.”
Twenty Eight: Joe
I’m the first to arrive at the meeting point. Gerard and Dane decided to harass some women at the coffee shop. I have no interest in that shit, so instead of joining them, I’m waiting here, finishing my espresso. As I head to the trash can, to throw away my cup, I see Callie pulling into the lot, in her dad’s black Escalade. She parks and gets out, her gaze scanning the area.
I’m yet to be seen. The slight furrow that forms between her brows makes me melt. Braving the chilly morning, she looks damn sexy in her denim hot pants and a tight white T-shirt with a dancing leprechaun on the front. Her shoulder length hair’s pulled up into a neat ponytail, just the way I like it, showing off her beautiful face further.
Those expressive eyes, peeping out from under her bangs, have been on my mind every single day since last weekend. I don’t know what Dane saw that I didn’t, but of all the emotions I’ve seen them offer me over the years attraction wasn’t one of them – fascination, intrigue and, yeah, admiration, but never attraction. I saw the way she looked at Nick, which, on reflection, makes me feel like a total jackass for … I don’t know, continuing to love her. But how the hell do you reverse something like that? It’s not possible.
One thing I’m sure of is if I’d suspected Callie had feelings for me, I wouldn’t have been capable of not telling her it was a mutual thing.
As I hang here, thinking and taking her in, she turns her back to me. I take my opportunity.
Sneaking up from the rear, I lift her from around her waist and spin her around. “Hey, Baby cake.”
“You bastard!” she screams. I put her down and she whirls around, to face me, and playfully slaps me on my arm. “You scared me half to death, Joe.”
“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t resist, you looked all lost and vulnerable,” I tease, poking her in the ribs.
Su jumps out of the passenger seat and joins us, and I snatch her up in a hug. Gerard and Dane arrive and, after we lavish Su with compliments for her latest hairstyle, the girls decide to go grab a bite to eat. We guys wait by the car talking typical boyish bullshit.
When they return, Callie jingles her keys in the air. “Who wants to take the wheel?” she sings excitedly, knowing full well who that person will be. As expected, Gerard grabs them.
Once our bags are all in the trunk, Su assumes her former position and, of course, that leaves Dane, Callie and me in the back. None of us want to be in the middle, so we turn into a bunch of overgrown kids arguing over who will sit where. With that attitude of hers, Callie makes it clear that because it’s her dad’s ride and she’s the girl she gets first choice. She gets in and positions herself by the window, behind Gerard. Dane and I wrestle like idiots, after he decides to claim travel sickness and needing to be by the other window.
In the end, I have to endure the inconvenience of sitting in the middle – beside Callie.
Not being one to take advantage, once we’re on our way and heading out of town, I start tickling her. She has no way out, so wriggles and giggles like crazy, trying to tell me to stop. She’s small and soft and she smells of strawberries.
“Hey, pipe down back there, kids,” Gerard says, in a mock parental tone, looking throu
gh the rearview mirror.
By now she’s squirming even more, and I have to stop before the girl gives me a fucking hard-on.
“How the hell did I not notice?” Dane mutters to himself, sounding mystified.
I glance at him, hoping I’m the only one who heard that. His expression says exactly what he verbally said. No one else reacts, I guess they remain oblivious.
That’s how it needs to stay, just for now.
Twenty Nine: Callie
We’re close to the campsite now and the ride so far has been the perfect start to our long weekend. It’s confirmed that this is just what I need – with the way we all are together, I’ll barely get a moment to think.
Gerard is bugging Su about her cousin, Linda, who lives in Sacramento. He met her at Su’s wedding a year and a half ago and still till this day tries to get her number. She’s probably the only woman he wanted, but didn’t get. He fails to get anywhere for the one millionth time. “Hah! Callie, I can imagine you being just like that chick in 27 Dresses; a closet full of bridesmaid dresses. Always the bridesmaid, huh?” He chuckles, humoring himself.
“Actually, fuckhead, I’ve only been a bridesmaid three times, that doesn’t exactly count.”
“I’m just teasing don’t go getting your panties in a wad.”
This is typical Gerard, and I’m not going to overreact this time. “How’d you know I’m wearing any?”
“That is not the kind of info you wanna be throwing my way, little girl, you don’t have a boyfriend who’ll come kick my ass for hittin’ it.”
I lean forward, peering around the side of his seat, getting a good view of his handsome profile. I can smell his cologne, strong and masculine. “Hittin’ it? Gerard, you wish, that’s your best dream ever and my worst nightmare ever.” I sit back, chuckling hard. As much as I love that guy, I can’t imagine getting it on with him.