by Louise J
With some scissors, I start cutting away at the overenthusiastic amount of tape I sealed the lid with. Once I get through it all, I turn out the flaps, revealing the contents. At the top is a disc of all my photos of Joe, which I cleared from my laptop. I’m embarrassed even now, it seems obsessive. Most girls would do this, right?
For the first time since I left, I allow myself to fully think about him. I close my eyes and visualize what he looked like; his ink-black hair and the way it framed his face, his gorgeous coffee bean brown eyes, and all the emotion they held, the perfect structure of his nose, cheekbones and jaw, his silky-soft lips, and his perfectly sculpted, inked body. I can recall it all, his array of expressions, the smooth, slow way he spoke, and the way he felt. I can even remember his smell – not his cologne, or soap, just him. Joe. I can’t believe how vivid my memory of him still is, he could be standing here in front of me. It’s amazing, I can also recall the instant he removed his helmet the day we almost collided. I nearly lost my mind.
He was always the one.
This reminiscing doesn’t make me want to cry, it makes me smile. I haven’t given into this level of thought and it feels wonderful to do so now. “God, I love you, Joe,” I whisper.
I open my eyes and place the disc on the bed. The next thing in there, folded in crisp, white tissue paper that rustles as I open it, is my wedding dress. A silk, blush colored, 1950s inspired dress. It’s strapless with a sweetheart neckline that fitted like a glove around my chest and waist, with layers of soft tulle underneath the wide skirt that ended at my knees. It still feels and smells brand new. In some ways it is. If I’d had the time, I’d have made my dress with my grandma. If I ever do get to have my big day, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I lay it out on the comforter and pull out the ivory birdcage veil, sparkly stilettos, and pearl necklace.
The last thing causes me to pause. It’s the hardest part. The remaining item is a little black velvet box. I lift it out, opened it, and ease out the engagement ring Joe gave me. New and barely warn, my platinum ‘snake’ with brilliant diamonds. I slowly slide it on my finger. It feels heavier than I recall, but maybe I’m just overly aware of it. Maybe what I can feel is the significance of it. When I left, I felt that giving this back to Joe would’ve been a punch in the gut he could do without, so I decided to put it safely away.
I’ve spent so long going through these things and then getting lost in thought, Su is outside. I place the ring back in its box and go to the intercom and let her in. By the time she comes up to my apartment, I’m back on the bed. On entering my room, she halts at the doorway, staring at the stuff laid out. “Wow. You kept it all.”
“Yeah, it was at mom and dads.’”
Su walks over and sits down beside me. She doesn’t know what to say. Neither do I.
“I love your hair.” She starts to run her fingers through it. Her actions and tone are comforting. “I’m glad you didn’t cut it, I like it long.”
“Yeah, I like it, too. They did good, huh? I might actually keep this for a while.” We fall silent again, the slow finger combing continues.
“What are you going to do about Joe? You haven’t mentioned him once since you first got back and now you have all these things out. You obviously want to do something, what are you waiting for?”
“Well, there isn’t exactly a plan. I decided I’d call once I was fully settled and that’s like sort of now. I thought it would be easier than it is. I’ve avoided BlackArt and his street, so I don’t bump into him unprepared, but I kinda wish I had. That would’ve been easier.”
She stops her hand movement. “Callie, Joe moved. He and Adam bought a house in Sea cliff. It’s right up on the cliffs, at the end of Baker Beach. Wait till you see the place.”
I lean back against the headboard. “They all live together?”
“Yeah, they’ve been there over a year now. It works well, and Jack spends a lot of time there.”
“I can so easily imagine them all in a beautiful house by the beach. A perfect family.” Would I fit in? I sigh. “I know I need to tell him I’m here, I just … it’s just that it’s so unpredictable. What he’ll say, and how I’ll feel. That’s why all this stuff is out. I needed to face it at some point and I figured now a good time. It was easier and nicer than I thought it would be, but it hardly compares to actually speaking to Joe. Obviously I have to, that’s why I’m here, but …” I shrug.
“I can’t say I blame you for having concerns, it’s been over three years since you last spoke or saw each other, but it will be fine. You could always call Dane first. You found it easier to speak to him before.”
“I’ve thought about that, but I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position, he’s Joe’s friend ahead of mine. And he’s constantly been the bearer of bad news between us.”
“There won’t be any bad news this time. Call him. He’d welcome it, you know he would. Think of it as easing your way in. And there’s no time like the present. I’ll even leave the room if you want, I can hang out in the bathroom.”
I chuckle. “Okay, I’ll do it. You stay put, though.”
I pack everything away and put the box back in my closet. Back on the bed, I grab my cell from my nightstand and search for Dane in my phonebook. I consider passing all the D’s and going to the J’s, but the chicken shit in me stops at Dane and presses ‘call.’
The phone to my ear, I’m nervous, but a little excited, too.
“Ms. Scottsdale marathon runner,” Dane answers. Instantly, I feel as though I spoke to him only yesterday.
“Hello, handsome.” I grin, so pleased to hear his voice.
“What’s up?”
“Lots, actually, guess where I am?”
“If it’s not Scottsdale then you’ve got me already. Where are you?”
“I’ve come home.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it’s been two weeks, got my own apartment and everything.”
“No shit! Damn, girl.”
“I know, right? Sorry I haven’t called, I’ve been getting settled and I wanted to have everything ready before I started contacting people. You have to come for dinner. Su tells me you’ve got a smokin’ hot girl now. I want you to bring her.”
He laughs, sounding surprised. “That I would like very much. So what brought you back?”
“I wanted to be home. I missed everyone, including you, dude. You know that, right?”
“I’ve never taken anything personal, but I’m glad you’re where you belong. What about that guy?”
“I wanted to be here, and he was supportive of that. We’re still friends, he’s in Thailand now. Wait till you see my ride, he left his Kombi with me until he returns. It won’t be anytime soon, so she’s all mine for a good while.”
“This is some development. It’s good to have you back, I thought you were going away for a few months and it ended up being years.”
“I know, it’s crazy, it’s been a long time, but now I’m here it feels like I never left. I totally can’t wait to see you, are you still hot?”
He laughs hard. “Shit, it’s a nice surprise this call is,” he pauses a moment, “have you called Joe yet?”
“No. I wanted to get settled before anything else.” I sigh, bracing myself for my next question. “Do you think he’d want me to?”
“Shit yeah. In fact, you really should call. He always wanted to know that you were okay. Su kept him nicely informed, but you should get in touch.”
“Okay, listen, I wanna see you, so I’ll talk to you about it real soon.”
“You do that, but contact Joe a lot sooner and let him know you’re back. If you don’t, I will. Don’t think I can’t pick up on your reluctance.”
“I will, I promise.” I hang up and turn to Su. “I’m going to do it, I really am. But not tonight, Elena will be here soon. Definitely tomorrow.”
“Fine, but if you don’t call him by this time tomorrow, I’ll do it myself. You’ve had things your way for long e
nough, and you’re worrying when you don’t need to.”
I say nothing in response, because I know she means it. Dane did, too.
My family would have brought me back eventually, but Joe’s the reason I’m sitting here on this bed right now.
I’ll plan overnight what I’m going to say to him.
Sixty Two: Callie
The next morning, I run over my words in the shower. It’s ridiculous, really, because all it consists of is, “Hi, Joe.” Obviously he’ll say something like … I have no idea. So all night and that’s what I’ve come up with. Genius! I’m hoping his response will be as enthusiastic as Dane’s was. I’m also hoping that we can at least have some level of friendship restored, I missed it and I had that for longer than I had him as mine. I feel strong enough to accept that, if I can’t have more. I’d give it my best shot, anyway.
I’m moving forward with my life, I’ve got freelance photography work at the magazine Su works for and I’m going to rent a studio for my sculpture work and photography. I feel good about everything else, so speaking to Joe is the final piece to my puzzle.
I come out of the bathroom, wrapped in my towel, and grab my cell from the breakfast bar. Sitting on the couch, I take a nervous moment. I select Joe’s number. Okay, I’ve done this part many times before. It’s pressing ‘call’ that’s the challenge. My heart kicks up, I remind myself to breathe, and … the buzzer to my intercom sounds, making me jump out of my skin. Fuck! Now my heart’s thudding hard for an entirely different reason.
“What are you doing here? You may as well have stayed the night,” I say to Su, as she struts in, dressed in dark skinny jeans and a sexy yellow spaghetti shirt, her black and blonde hair pulled up into a ponytail.
She heads straight for the couch and slumps down on it. “Dempsey’s Carnival is in town for the weekend. I wanna go, but Zack’s not keen, and I’m totally not going by myself. They have all the best rides. Will you come?”
“Yeah, just let me get ready. I’ll call Elena and see if she and the kiddos wanna come.”
“Already did, and they have plans today. It’s just us, dude.”
It’s a lovely mid-October Saturday, and I’m glad for the option. I will call Joe when I get back – I’ve never been more ready to make contact. I put on light blue flared jeans that sit low on my hips and a white off-the-shoulder shirt. New hair down, purse and jacket in hand, and we’re out the door.
The drive with Su is fun. We’re in the Kombi, windows down, the pleasant breeze passing through, and 3OH!3’s My First Kiss is on repeat with us singing along and making out with the air. It’s just like old times.
We arrive at the park. It’s early afternoon and pretty quiet, with mostly families making up the attendees. First ride is the Ferris wheel, then a silly, not at all scary ghost train just for the immature fun of it, and then I start losing money trying to win a large crocodile for Caleb.
“I’m not appreciating being defeated like this,” I grumble to Su.
She tugs on my elbow, leading me to another of the concessions. “Let’s hammer for frogs instead. Maybe we can get one of those for Caleb.”
“I damn well hope so, I’m tired of losing.”
As we approach the frogs’ tent, I’m thinking maybe we should just get on with enjoying some of the real rides. I can buy something for the kiddos, playing these stupid games is unnecessary. I raise my frustrated gaze, ready to tell Su to forget this shit, and astonishment pins my feet to the ground.
Stood right there, with his back to me, is a tall man with skin the color of cocoa and dreadlocks down to his sexy freaking butt. “Dane!” I scream.
He turns around to face me, grinning from ear to ear. “There she is.” He opens his arms wide, and I throw myself at him, holding him tight around his waist. He squeezes me, and I almost can’t breathe, but I’m matching his hold with mine. He smells of freshness and rich-spice, familiar.
“Omigod, I can’t believe this,” I squeak.
Dane pulls away from me, stretching my hands out to the sides, giving me the once-over. “Well, look at you, gorgeous as ever. Nice hair.”
“And look at you, like fine fuckin’ wine.” I jump around on the spot before wrapping my arms around him again. “I’ve missed you, Dane.” I’m way over excited, I know I am, but I don’t care.
“I’ve missed you, too, beautiful.” He kisses the top of my head.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
No answer.
I pull back slightly. “Dane–” He presses his forefinger to my lips. Remaining silent, he places his hands on my shoulders and turns me to face the opposite direction. He leans in close behind me, crouching slightly to get closer to my height. My gaze follows his slender forefinger as he points off in the distance, to where picnic tables are scattered. I gasp. My heart slams against my ribcage and my legs start to shake.
Dane lowers his arm, kisses me softly on the cheek, and whispers in my ear, “Go.” He nudges me lightly against my lower back, and I step forward. The distance from me to him seems like a million miles.
My heart wants to run, but my legs can just about walk.
Somehow, I make the journey. As I draw nearer, I start to take deep breaths to achieve calm. It’s so strange seeing Joe, even from a distance, even from behind. He’s wearing a dark blue T-shirt with white writing on the back and light jeans, no doubt loosely hung. His style always seems to fit appropriately with the times, even without changing much.
I’m getting closer. Is it okay to approach them unannounced? Is it rude to intrude on their time together? Does Joe know I’m home? I don’t know the answers, but I continue their way. This is the most nervous I’ve been in my entire life. Will I be able to speak?
Father and son are sitting across from each other. The boy is sucking a popsicle, his lips smeared red from it. He looks content rolling his little yellow tank across the surface. It’s the same content expression I’ve seen on his dad’s face so many times before.
This is it, I’m about to come face-to-face with Joe. Please, let this go well.
I slide in on the bench beside Joe. I glance at him and then focus on Jack, who offers me the cutest grin. Then he carries on munching his popsicle and rolling his tank across the table.
One of my biggest fears about Joe and someone else having a child was whether I could love that kid in the way that I should. I needn’t have worried, I’ve already started to. He’s Joe’s boy and that’s more important than anything else.
I always have and always will love everything that is the man sitting beside me.
“He’s beautiful,” I say to Joe, hearing the awe in my own voice, feeling the hard thumping in my chest.
Joe’s arms are folded, one over the other atop the table, his posture relaxed. He says nothing, but the soft curve to his lips is enough. I can see he’s surprised by this.
We hold each other’s gaze, his eyes telling me the same story as always. Physically, he’s so much more overwhelming than before, this guy just keeps getting better with age. He doesn’t look older, but I can tell he is. I’m happy he still has the same hairstyle, my favorite of all, only it’s slightly shorter at the front.
He’s still my Joe.
Heat sears through me and I welcome it, I welcome it into every single cell in my body.
I return my attention the child again. “Joe, please tell me you didn’t name your son after Jack Daniel’s.”
He chuckles, with a gentle shake of his head. God, I missed that laugh. He finger combs back his hair, and my respiration ceases to continue for a few seconds. Now it continues at an accelerated rate. God, I missed that subconscious habit, too. “No. Emily’s dad and her grandfather are called Jack.”
“I figured something like that. He looks like you.”
His expression is soft and he nods. “You’re back?” A small furrow settles between his brows.
“Yeah, I came home two weeks ago. I have my own apartment.”
This time his b
rows pop up. “You do?”
I nod, grinning, happy about his response to that. All traces of my nerves slip away. “I hear you bought a house?”
And as naturally as ever, we fall into conversation like two old friends who simply haven’t seen each other in a while. Jack adds a few cutely spoken words here and there and he asks me what my name is. The talk between Joe and me isn’t a heart-to-heart and we skirt away from anything that relates to heartbreak. It feels heavenly hearing his voice again and being so close to him. I breathe him in, the sweetness of his cologne, the faint smell of soap, and best of all – him. Joe.
Although I still don’t know for sure what’s going to happen next, one thing I am certain of is that we still love each other. And I’ll be sure to make that clear to him on my part.
I’m not making the same mistake again.
I cross my fingers in the hope that Su was right, and this is our perfect timing.
Sixty Three: Joe
Sitting beside Callie I could easily convince myself that it hasn’t been three years since the last time I saw her. I know those years exist, but right now they don’t seem to matter. What does matter is the words in her eyes; intrigue, amazement, wanting. All different from the last time I looked into them.
She wants to be here.
That and the adoration I see when she looks at my son mean everything. The signs are good, but I won’t assume too much. She’s here, that’s all that matters right now.
As we talk about everything, but us and what happened, I take her in, it’s impossible not to. I remembered every single detail about her to perfection, but there’s nothing better than seeing her in the flesh. Her pretty nose with a tiny, clear crystal stud, those amazing big toffee-brown eyes; as expressive as always, and glossy full, inviting lips – all the same. Even her body, still as desirable as ever, remains unchanged. The only thing different is her lustrous brown hair, cascading down over her bare shoulders.
My angel is back, and she smells of apricot.
It’s crazy that three years can feel like both an eternity and no more than a few minutes, at the same time.
“Joe, did you know I’d be here?” And she’s still capable of shoving a ton of sweetness and affection into my simple one syllable name.