by Karen Woods
Mark was getting it all today, usually in his sessions he would just sit back and listen but today he was earning his wages. This woman was gunning for him and no matter what he said, she was giving him a hard time. “Harpur, I’m here to listen that’s all. If you want to talk about anything and clear your head, my job is to help you.” She pulled a sour expression. This was enough for one day, her heart was heavy and if she didn’t start to calm down now, she was sure to end up having a panic attack again. Perhaps Mark could have a word with the doctor and help her find something to take the edge off her anxiety, a few calming pills, something to make her sleep. After all, that was his job wasn’t it? He had said he was there to help her. Mark knew his client wasn’t going to expose any more of her past or anything that what was going on in her head. He was genuinely concerned about this woman and he just hoped there was something he could do to help her. He was seeing a side of her he never knew existed; a dark, deep side. The kind that sent shivers up his spine.
*
After her appointment, Harpur went to see the doctor and had a quick chat with him. Mark had made sure she got some short-term medication. Perhaps with a good night’s sleep she would start to think straight, sort her head out. The roads were quiet today, there were very few cars about. It was raining too, pissing down. Harpur headed up the main road and looked over at the estate where she had grown up. Harpurhey had been named one of the worst places to live in the north of England. The crime rate there was high and drugs were on every street corner. But she had never feared the place, she was one of them, she knew the score. Her pace quickened and from the corner of her eye she spotted a familiar face. Tony Wallis was stood across the road, leaning against a brick wall waiting near a phone box. The guy must have been waiting to score. This phone box was well known as a pick up point for drugs. It was simple; all you had to do was make a phone call and within minutes a car or a runner would turn up and you would be supplied with anything you wanted. Usually heroin, crack or cocaine; brown or white as they called it on the street.
Harpur dodged the cars on the road to make sure she got to him before he got on his toes. She’d been looking for this man for a few weeks now. He was like that Tony, if he didn’t want to be found, there was no way of finding him. Usually he would just go on a mad one and pump drugs into his body all day long. He was fucked really and it was a wonder he’d not been found dead somewhere before now. Tony was tall and thin. His face was long and his cheekbones sank in at both sides of his face. He never looked healthy, just gaunt looking with grey skin, like death warmed up. He’d seen her now and his face dropped. There was no way he could get on his toes either, he had to stay put and face her. Harpur stood opposite him and poked her finger deep into his bony chest. “I’ve been looking for you for time, Tony, where have you been hiding?”
“You know me love, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing, just trying to earn a crust and make my life a bit easier that’s all.”
Harpur checked the area and made sure they were alone. She had to be quick, get straight to the point. “I need a word with you. Things have been playing on my mind and I think you can help me.”
Tony dragged at his skin, scratched his beard and picked his nose. He was a bag of nerves. “Yeah, sorted, just say the word, what do you need to know?” he replied trying to sound chilled out.
Harpur moved closer to his side, she was absorbing him, taking note of every move he made before she spoke. “It’s our Brady’s death,” she pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and slid one into her mouth before she lit it. Tony made the sign of the cross across over his body and dipped his head at the mention of his mate’s name. “I think there is something that you’re not telling me about what really happened before our Brady took his life. You’re forgetting, I knew him inside out and he would never have done himself in without speaking to me first. He left no letters, no nothing. Something went on and I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of it. So, Tony, don’t insult my intelligence by lying to me. I want to know the truth. I know you know something so you better tell me, cut the bullshit. Brady was my brother and your best mate, you owe his family that much don’t you?”
This junkie was on the spot, his body was pumping sweat, his mouth dry, eyelids flicking rapidly. “Nar, Harpur, on my life. I know as much as you. Your kid was depressed, come on you know that more than anyone. It wasn’t the first time he’d tried ending it all. I just think he’d had enough, nothing else.”
Did this guy think she was green or what? He knew she was smarter than that and he had his work cut out today. “Tony, look me in the eye and tell me you know nothing. Our Brady has gone now and no matter what he was into, I want to know. Nothing can hurt me as much as me losing my brother and all I want is the truth. So, I’ll ask you again. Tell me the truth.” Tony was rattling for drugs and his head was all over the place. He was in no fit state to sit down and have a chat about Brady. His eyes were rolling to the back of his head and she could see he was roasting his nuts off. But she could tell he knew more than he was saying. “Tony, can we meet up later and have a talk. You’ve been dodging my mam’s house for weeks now and don’t you think she feels it? It would be nice for you to pop in and say hello. You can’t just ignore her now he’s gone. My mam was there for you when you were on your arse and had nowhere to stay. Are you forgetting that?”
Harpur was smart to remind him of all the times her family had helped him out. Feeding him, putting a roof over his head. Yes, he owed them a lot. But to reveal what he knew about his best mate, could he ever do that? Harpur pulled a crisp ten pound note from her pocket. What the hell was she doing, this was so bad. “Here’s a tenner to sort yourself out later. That means you can meet me at my mam’s at nine o’clock tonight and you won’t have to rush off anywhere doesn’t it?”
Tony was holding his lower stomach and sweat was pumping from his body. This girl knew how to get him talking for sure and she struck a deal with him. A car pulled up nearby and Tony was flapping. “I’ve got to go Harpur but I’ll call round to your mam’s later. I don’t know what you’re expecting me to tell you but I’ll see you there. I’ve got to go, see you later.”
The deal was done now and the ball was rolling. Harpur was feeling positive and knew once she spoke to Tony later in the evening, things inside her head would be clearer. The clock was ticking and sooner or later she would get to the bottom of the real reason her brother had taken his own life. She smelt a rat and by hook or by crook she was ready to reveal the truth.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Harpur let herself into her mother’s house and scanned the room, nobody was about. That was strange, Sheila was always sat in her chair at this time of the day watching television. Harpur sat down in the chair and looked around the living room. Sadness filled her body, her heart ached. It wasn’t the same anymore at this house; the place on the sofa where her brother always lay at this time of the day looked so bare. There was no life here anymore, no laughter, no banter, it was just filled with doom and gloom. Harpur sat staring into space, reminiscing about the days gone by. Suddenly she could hear noises from upstairs. Harpur moved to the edge of her seat and listened carefully. After a few seconds she stood up and headed to the hallway. “Mam, what are you doing up there?” she shouted. There were footsteps heard from upstairs across the landing. Harpur crept up the stairs. Her eyes were wide open and she was anxious by the time she reached the top. Brady’s bedroom door was open slightly. A gentle breeze was coming from inside the room. She froze, unable to move another step, her heart was racing. This was the place he’d done it, taken his own life, ended it all. She’d only been in his room twice since he’d passed away. It freaked her out too much, gave her nightmares. What on earth was her mother doing in there on her own? She thought they made an agreement that the door was always kept locked. There was no reason for her to be inside the bedroom, none whatsoever. All Brady’s stuff had been removed from here weeks ago. Even his clothes had gone, anything that he’d
owned had now been removed from this room. Harpur took a deep breath and took small steps to look inside.
Sheila was sat on the edge of the bed talking to herself, there was nobody there, not a living soul. She dipped her head back and stood listening. This was a private affair, a special moment between a mother and her son. Harpur closed her eyes tightly as she listened carefully to every word that what was being said. “Another day has passed now son and you’re drugs-free. No more pain, no more lying, it’s just how you wanted it to be isn’t it? I know you’re at peace and the pain and suffering is all over.” Harpur watched her mother smelling the jumper she was holding in her hand, it was Brady’s, the one he wore all the time. Her expression changed as she inhaled his fragrance. “I’ve been at peace myself since you’ve been gone. I don’t have to watch you hurting yourself anymore. It was bad wasn’t it? You couldn’t have gone on the way you were doing. I couldn’t either, you were making me ill.” Sheila inhaled the body odour from the black jumper again, her eyes closing slowly. “I know you are still here with me. I can feel you near me and I know you hear every word I say to you. Drugs just got the better of you and you had no other way out. We all tried to help you. God knows I tried everything but you were beyond any kind of help. Lost you were, I could see it in your eyes.”
Harpur covered her mouth with her hand and she was blubbering, her emotions were rising and she couldn’t contain it any longer. She edged closer to the bedroom door and stepped inside. “Mam, are you alright?” Sheila lifted her head up slightly and she smiled gently.
“No love, not really. I’ll never be alright but I’ve got to try and get on with life just like you have. I feel dead inside. I’ve got nothing left, I’m drained.”
Harpur went to her side and cuddled her. Sheila just stared into space, there were no tears. This wasn’t a good room to be in, Brady’s presence could still be felt here. Something was just not right, a feeling that he was there in the room with them, listening. “Come on mam, I’ll make you a cup of tea. Don’t be sitting in here on your own. It just makes you depressed.” Harpur’s eyes focused on a small cupboard facing her and the pain in her expression was there for everyone to see. This was where it all happened, this was where he took his final breath. She examined the cupboard further. It didn’t make sense, it just didn’t add up. There were so many unanswered questions spinning around in her head and somehow, some way, she had to find out her brother’s last moments. She had to make sense of it all, see what he was up against, know exactly what pushed him over the edge. Harpur pulled away from her mother and looked her directly in the eye. “Mam, I know you don’t want to speak about what happened but it’s doing my head in and I need to know some stuff. If Brady hung himself inside there,” she flicked her eyes to the side of her. “How the hell did he do it? He is nearly as tall as the height of it and he could have stood up if he wanted to. There is no way he could have hung himself, no way in this world.”
Sheila walked to the window, eyes peering outside, chin resting in her hands as she leant on the window ledge. “Please love, don’t make me go through it again. Don’t you think I’ve been through it enough times with the police? I can’t get that image of him hanging there out of my mind and I need to try and forget about it. Just don’t go there, leave me alone.”
Harpur opened the cupboard and stood inside it. There was a cold breeze that passed through her body and every hair on the back of her neck stood on end. Taking a deep breath, she examined the small cupboard. No, her thoughts were right, it didn’t add up. Sheila started to walk out of the bedroom and she urged Harpur to come with her. “Come on, I can’t stay in here for long. I only popped in to make sure everything was alright.” This room was cold and eerie and not a place she wanted to stay for any length of time. Sheila’s footsteps could be heard plodding slowly down the stairs, a step at a time. Harpur walked out of the cupboard and paused for a few seconds. Her voice was low as she whispered under her breath. “Brady, tell me what went on please. Do something to guide me to the truth. That’s all I ask of you, let me find peace too.” Harpur left the bedroom, but before she closed the bedroom door she had one final glance about the room. There was heartache in this room for sure. A presence, Brady was definitely still with them.
Sheila sat in the armchair in the front room and flicked the television on. Harpur came in shortly after her and sat down. Her eyes were red and you could see she’d been crying. Dabbing the tissue in the corner of her eye, she tried to compose herself but she was reliving her brother’s death again. The day she got the call would haunt her forever. It was a Tuesday night and she’d not long finished work, it was just a normal working day. Harpur had already called at her mother’s house earlier and Brady was there just like he always was at that time of the day. He always waited to see his sister, no matter what he never moved a muscle until she had called to see him. Usually he just lay on the sofa chilling, eating junk food, feeding his sweet tooth. He’d gained so much weight lately and even though he said he was cutting down on his food intake, he never did. If she closed her eyes she could still see him lying there talking to her, laughing and joking. He was like that Brady, he had a great sense of humour and always found the funny side of things. Before his death he had gone two weeks without any drugs. Yes, he was clean for fourteen days before it happened. Everyone was proud of him and with each day that went by, they were all seeing the family member they loved coming back to them, being normal again. He was no longer off his head on smack or tablets. Over the years Harpur had seen her brother in some really bad states. A lot of the time he couldn’t even speak or hold a conversation. But every day he promised her that one day he would get clean and free from drugs. Kick the habit, mend his ways. Was it the life he led that made it so hard for him to break the cycle or was it just that he was weak and couldn’t face another day without being off his face? Brady had told Harpur that his world was black and white without any drugs in it and as soon as he took the heroin, his world was bright and it had colour in it. I suppose the way he described his addiction was quite clever really. It made her understand. Was it really that bad for him? Was he in that deep that he would never be free from the drugs that ruled his life? It was such a vicious circle he was in. His mates were all junkies and every time he tried getting clean, the temptation was there every time he set foot out of the house. His mate Tony was always there begging him to score, asking him to help him graft to earn the money he needed for a fix, it was so hard, especially when drugs were on every street corner.
Sheila had been so proud of her son when he was free from drugs. Every day she was telling everyone how well he was doing and that he’d not set foot out of the front door for days. She was waiting on him hand and foot, feeding him, providing him with everything he needed to withdraw from the drugs, to stay away from his old circle of friends. Sheila had seen more than she was letting on about. Something in this woman’s eye was not right. She knew too much about her son’s drugs life. Sheila knew every dealer he scored from. The names of every pill he popped. Harpur had picked up on bits of things she’d let slip but to this day she had never confronted her about it. How on earth did she know so much? It was such a sad time for all the people Brady left behind. Some people might say he took the easy way out in committing suicide but it took strength and courage to do what he'd done. Nobody can ever judge a person until they have walked in their shoes and lived the life that they had. Mental illness is something that a lot of people will never understand, or that they choose to ignore. It was so easy for people to comment on Brady’s death but none of them knew what was going on in his head, the quality of life he was living. The demons he was fighting. It must have been horrible to be ruled by a drug that once it had a grip on you, would never let go. People should have kept their snide comments to themselves. Left him to rest in peace without all the stories going round about him. They were lies, mostly; vicious rumours and gossip.
With the funeral over, all that was left was the in
quest to get through. The day he had his send-off was something Harpur would never forget. The family had done him proud and each detail was paid attention to. Even the songs he had played at his graveside was something he’d spoken about. Morbid maybe, but he’d already told Harpur which tunes he wanted playing if he ever died. She supposed she always knew in the back of her mind that the time she spent with her brother was golden. He’d tried a few times to end it all and she’d always been by his side when he pulled through. It was a regular occurrence, taking tablets; overdosing. Sometimes he just couldn’t handle the stress anymore, but he was lucky like that, he always pulled through, was saved, given another chance to sort himself out. Not this time though, his number was up. Harpur wouldn’t leave Brady’s side when he was feeling low, she talked to him for hours, got his head straight, made him think positively, told him that there was light at the end of the tunnel. He always listened to her and seemed to take her advice on board. Now, Brady had left a massive void in all their lives; an emptiness, a memory that would stay with them until their dying breath. All that was left of his existence was a small plot of land with his headstone, a few words engraved on it about his life and the people he had left behind.
Harpur didn’t know if the time was right but she had to say something. “Mam, I spoke with Tony before and he’s going to call round later on to see us. I’m going to ask him a few questions, stuff I think he knows.”
These were words that Sheila did not want to hear. She kept her eyes on the television and spoke in a loud clear voice. “There is nothing to know. Brady is gone and we just have to deal with it. Let sleeping dogs lie will you! Don’t have him coming around here upsetting me. He’s just like our Brady was, a druggie. Do you think I need to see him roasting for drugs, off his head, eyes rolling to the back of his head? No, keep that arsehole as far away from me as you can.”