Amerii didn't understand. One moment all of her fantasies had been coming true and she had felt as though Van really did want her, and the next he was distant and cold.
"Leave!” He turned his back on her.
His shoulders shook violently.
Why had he suddenly changed? Was his hunger too strong for him to control? Perhaps she had been wrong. Perhaps he might hurt her if the bloodlust took hold of him and he couldn't control it. She had thought it would be others in danger, not her. Nerves fluttered in her stomach but she slowly walked towards him, intent on soothing him if she could. She had brought out this hunger in him. Maybe she could ease it and help him.
"No,” she whispered and he looked over his shoulder at her, his expression solemn. “I don't want to leave."
"You don't know what you do to me,” he said, his voice so low that she barely heard the words. She edged closer, her movements slow so she didn't startle him into reacting. He laughed; a self-mocking one that made her wonder what he was thinking. “I cannot do this ... I don't ... I am not worthy and you are royalty ... you ... Amerii, you don't know how dangerous I am."
Amerii swallowed her fear and stepped up to him. With a steady hand, she reached up and touched his back. His eyes closed and he inhaled slowly.
"I think I know,” she whispered in a soft tone, full of the warmth she felt inside. “I believe that you won't hurt me. You don't."
Van frowned, his eyes still closed, black lashes brushing his cheeks. Her hand trailed upwards, brushing the ponytail of his long black hair aside. When her fingers reached his neck, he tensed. She stroked the pale skin above his collar and then his ear. He turned, leaning into her touch.
"You won't hurt me.” She didn't know whether she was saying that to him or to herself. “I know you won't."
"Amerii,” he muttered and opened his eyes. They slid to meet hers, filled with incredulity. “You do not fear me? You do not think I am a monster?"
She shook her head and stepped around him, trailing her fingertips along the line of his strong jaw. He was beautiful even when he looked so frightened. The sight of his fear made her want to comfort him, to show him her own feelings in the hope that he would find some reassurance in them. She wanted him to know that she truly didn't fear him and she didn't think he was a monster because of his bloodlust. His eyes narrowed, dark red and penetrating hers, searching deeply as though he needed to see the truth in them. She cupped his cheek and held it.
"I have never feared you, not once since I met you that night, and I have never thought you a monster,” she whispered up at him, holding his gaze.
His gaze shifted to her throat and then back to her eyes.
"Would it help if I said I wanted to feel it ... that you have no idea how much I want you too?” she said.
His eyes narrowed and brightened.
Evidently, it would help.
"I've thought about you ever since that night, Van. I've dreamed of you."
"Dreamed?” he husked, his voice echoing eerily, and moved closer to her, his eyes zeroing in on her neck again. “Tell me ... tell me this isn't wrong ... tell me I am not overstepping the mark ... tell me what you dreamed."
He certainly was embracing worry at least. Fear and worry. Both negative emotions. Amerii wanted him to feel others, ones that were positive. Happiness, desire, love.
Love.
Regis had been teaching Van to lose control so he too could achieve that feeling.
So far, Regis was the only Varkan capable of love. If she could, then she would help Van know it too.
"Tell me,” he pleaded as his hands caught hold of her upper arms and he neared her.
"This isn't wrong,” she said and closed her eyes when he kissed her jaw. Tingles swept through her, hardening her nipples against her white vest. “This isn't wrong and you aren't overstepping the mark. It doesn't matter that I'm royalty. I'm free to fall in love with whomever I choose."
"Love?” he whispered against her throat, his voice tight again. “Tell me what love is. I fear I still do not understand it."
Amerii smiled and sighed as his lips caressed her neck, soft and slow, tender and warm. He was so gentle with her. He worried so much about her. He didn't want to hurt her and had tried to protect her from himself. Perhaps he already knew love but couldn't recognise it.
"Do you feel as though you're flying and falling at the same time?"
Silence.
"Yes."
Her heart beat harder. “Then this is love. Love is flying and falling at the same time."
Her eyes shot wide when he licked her neck and then his teeth scraped it a moment later. He wrapped his lips around the graze, encircled her waist with his arms, and pulled her close to him. She tilted her head to one side, her hands pressing into his chest. Each brush of his tongue over the small cut made her shiver. His body trembled against hers.
"Van?” she whispered and was surprised at the hunger in her voice. “Do you want to bite me?"
His breath shuddered against her neck. “More than anything."
She frowned. “Then why don't you?"
She could tell that he was holding back. He wanted more than the tiny drop of blood he must have taken from the scratch. She wanted more than that too.
He kissed along her shoulder, caressing it with his fingertips and pulling the strap of her white vest down.
"It is not that simple,” he whispered and kissed her collarbone. “I cannot bite you there."
"Somewhere else?” She was aware of how desperate that made her sound but she didn't care. She wanted to feel him bite her. She wanted to feel his need for her and know that this wasn't a dream. Dreams. He had asked her to tell him about them. “I've dreamt of you biting me."
Van groaned and his arm around her waist tightened, pressing her so hard against him that she could barely breathe.
"You always bite me ... it always feels ... I can't explain it."
"Try,” he whispered and licked the cut on her throat again. “Try for me."
"Divine,” Amerii said and he moaned and bucked his hips against her. Her eyes widened at the feel of his hard length against her stomach. The thought that she was affecting him so much with nothing more than simple words gave her the confidence to say a little more. “Divine ... exquisite ... like nothing I've ever experienced before."
"Where,” he muttered, his voice trembling. He kissed up to her jaw and she tilted her head to one side. “Tell me where I bite you."
She had never had to say things like this before. It was embarrassing and only made worse by the fact that she was talking about her fantasies with the object of them.
She cleared her throat and stroked his chest, slowly moving towards the buttons of his jacket. She needed to feel him skin on skin with her. She wanted to see the svelte body that she knew his uniform concealed.
He kissed her shoulder.
"Here?” he whispered and she nodded. He took hold of her wrist, stopping her attempts to get him naked, and kissed the inside of it. “Here?"
She nodded again.
His hands grazed her stomach. “Here?"
She bit her lip and nodded.
He stepped up to her and pressed a solitary kiss to her throat. “Here?"
She moaned her reply.
"More than once?"
"Almost every time,” she whispered and trembled when he closed his lips around her throat and sucked. She ached for him to bite her, her body tightening and yearning for his touch.
"Do you know what a bite here means?” His voice was a sultry whisper in her ear, sending warm shivers dancing down her spine.
Amerii shook her head, her hands going back to work on the buttons of his jacket. When she had it open, she dipped her hands inside, pushing the two sides of his jacket apart. He was naked beneath it. She groaned at the feel of hard muscles and tight sinew. Filled with a need to see what she was touching, she pushed him gently backwards, and furrowed her brow when she saw his body.
In all her times on Lyra Six, she had never seen such a perfect example of masculinity. Every muscle was taut and pronounced, but not overly developed. His body was lithe and powerful, calling to her on a base level where she had no control. She wanted to taste every inch of his flesh, to spend long hours exploring his body. She wanted to feel that body against hers, filling her, knowing that it would be every bit as wonderful as she had imagined.
Van pulled her back to him.
"If I bite you here.” He spoke the words between kisses against her throat. Each kiss made her temperature rise a little more until she was burning with need. “It means that you are mine."
"Yours?” Amerii said and, in her desire-hazed mind, she liked the sound of it. She kept her mouth closed tight though, not wanting to voice her thoughts. He had said that he wouldn't bite her there but she knew that it didn't mean that he didn't want to. It meant that he didn't feel worthy of staking a claim on her. His mention of her royal status hadn't gone unnoticed. She didn't care that she was royalty. As far as she was concerned, she chose who she wanted to be with.
Given time, she was sure that she could change his mind and convince him to bite her on what was clearly a sacred place. Sophia had said that Regis hadn't bitten her neck the first time. Van had been close to it. He only needed a little encouragement.
If her neck was the most intimate and meaningful place that he could bite then she wanted him to bite there.
She slid her hands inside his jacket, capturing his waist. His lips coursed along her throat and she groaned when she felt his teeth again, scratching her flesh in the most tantalising and intoxicating way. She leaned her body into his, hungry to feel him against her.
His hands mirrored hers, grabbing her waist and holding her tight, as though he didn't want her to escape his grasp. She wasn't going anywhere.
"Bridge to Commander Aeris,” a crackling voice said, so loud that it shocked her and she jumped.
Van continued to kiss her throat, his grip on her increasing to the point where it bordered on painful.
Amerii swallowed when his mouth closed around the scratch and he suckled her skin. He couldn't be getting much blood from so tiny a wound. She gasped when he sucked harder, rocking his body against hers. He was going to leave a bruise. She'd had what her father had affectionately called ‘hickies’ before and she was heading for a new one now, and judging by the desperate way Van was sucking on her neck it was going to be black, ugly and highly noticeable.
She couldn't go back to her ship with a mark like that on her neck. A bite she could probably hide, but she didn't think her collar would reach high enough to cover all of this.
"Bridge to Commander Aeris,” the voice said again.
Van released her neck and gave a deafening roar. She flinched away and he instantly pulled her to him, smoothing her hair in a clear effort to soothe her. His heart was thundering. She rested her head against his bare chest and listened to it and his heavy breathing. He was trying to regain control.
After long moments of silence, he said, “Commander Aeris to the bridge. Go ahead."
"Nebuz-Lyra VIII is requesting permission to continue to Varka Two."
"Time?"
"Sixteen point five nine point three. Designated time for departure to Varka Two approaching."
Van released her and held her upper arms, his gaze lingering on her neck. Amerii touched it, caressing the point where he had been suckling. His gaze shifted between her eyes and her throat and he looked torn between doing his duty and continuing with her neck. He growled at the ceiling and she noticed that his teeth were longer than before. Her heart pounded. How close had he been to biting her?
She wanted to block his way when he walked away but couldn't move. She kept still, watching him collect her jacket and boots and bringing them back to her. Her smile was weak and small when she took them.
"Will you be alright?” he said in a low tone that betrayed his disappointment.
Seeing everything that she was feeling reflected in his eyes, she dropped her things. He frowned and she stepped up to him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. His hands instantly claimed her waist and a moment later, his body was against hers, his kiss stealing her breath. Their tongues touched, sending a jolt through her and drawing a moan from him. She tiptoed, slanting her head so she could deepen the kiss. Their tongues tangled again, a smooth warm caress that set her body alight with desire.
The intercom beeped.
She slowed the kiss and then stepped back, fighting to catch her breath. Her eyes met his dark red ones. They burned with hunger but showed no sign of bloodlust.
A smile curved her lips as they tingled from the kiss.
"Now I'll be alright,” she said.
Picking up her things, she dressed, her eyes only ever leaving Van for a few seconds at a time. He sat on the bed, watching her with that same intense look of need. A man had never looked at her with such intensity before. It made a blush touch her cheeks and she couldn't help smiling.
He hadn't given her the bite that she had wanted, but she knew now that he did feel something for her. He wanted to bite her. She could wait a little longer to live out her dreams.
When she had finished buttoning her jacket, she looked at him. He rose from the bed and crossed the room to the door. She looked around the room and then at him.
"Amerii,” Van said, the tone of his voice warm and carrying a hint of affection. He walked back to her and took her hands. “I will do it if you believe me worthy and wish me to."
"Do what?"
His look turned serious. His gaze shifted to her neck and then back to her eyes.
"Bite you...” he said and his eyes brightened, a flash of scarlet that faded a moment later. “There."
"Do you want to?"
He frowned, his eyes narrowing with it. “I have no place courting royalty ... but I wish to. I cannot stop thinking about you Amerii ... I have tried hard to change for you."
Her eyes widened. For her? He had changed himself for her. He wanted to feel something and experience love.
He wanted to love her.
"Van,” Amerii whispered and he leaned forwards, every ounce of desperation showing in his eyes. “I don't think you're unworthy ... any man who has fought so hard to change himself deserves to be loved for his effort ... but then ... I would have loved you even if you could not love me in return."
"You love me?"
She thought for a moment and then nodded. “I do ... I do love you."
He swallowed and looked uncomfortable. “I think I love you too ... I have this need inside me, a desire to protect you, to hold you close and keep you safe from the universe. Is that normal? Is that love too?"
She smiled and nodded. “That's love. A burning collision of need, fear, hope, trepidation and a desire to protect."
"Flying and falling, as you put it,” he said with a broad smile.
She sighed and touched his cheek.
"Flying and falling."
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Chapter 5
Van led the way onto the bridge. The walk to it had been long and quiet as he had struggled to regain total control over his feelings. Amerii's admission of her desire to have him bite her neck had sent him over the edge and he had feared that he would lose control and hurt her. Her choice to remain with him, to kiss him after he had left such a terrible black welt on her neck, had given him a strange sense of comfort. A smile touched his lips. Everything that Regis had told him of, he was feeling for Amerii. It was a mindless series of urges, of needs so strong that he couldn't deny them. He had no control over them. They had total control over him. It was a wonderful sensation but frightening at the same time.
Flying and falling.
That was what Amerii had so aptly named it. He couldn't have thought up a better metaphor himself.
All of the crew on the domed bridge rose from their various positions and saluted him as he walked down towards the screen. Amerii walked
in behind him. Thankfully, the collar of her jacket hid most of the bruise on her throat. Only a tiny fraction showed above it. It wouldn't be enough for her captain to notice, or any of his crew. It would look like a shadow from her hair.
Van took a deep breath and looked up at the image of the Nebuz-Lyra VIII on the screen. Two other ships had joined it. Departure time for Varka Two was imminent.
"Your highness,” he said without looking at Amerii.
A sense of calm filled him when she came to stand beside him and his gaze fixed on the mark on her throat for a moment before he looked back at the screen. He needed her close. The crew didn't seem to suspect anything but he had tasted her blood. There was a chance that his crew might be able to smell her blood and he couldn't risk them reacting to the scent. He didn't want to fight his own men but if they dared go near her, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from protecting her. He would turn as dangerous as Regis had. The bloodlust would make him violent.
He was behaving exactly as Regis had back on Lyra Prime. On their return to Varka Prime, Regis had lent him the fables of love that he had collected and he had read them all. What he was experiencing certainly matched the feelings contained in the stories and his behaviour matched Regis's. It seemed like love. Amerii had said it was.
It was a strange collision of feelings, not particularly enjoyable at times like now when he was considering the outcome of any attempt to hurt Amerii. The bridge would be a bloodbath. He didn't think Regis would forgive him if he slaughtered thirty of Varka's finest soldiers for the sake of one female.
"Incoming,” someone said and Van snapped back to the galaxy.
"Go ahead,” he said and stood tall, his focus fixed on the display as it changed to show the captain of the Nebuz-Lyra VIII.
Weak male.
Perhaps he would slaughter him too for daring to offend Amerii and treat her as inferior.
His eyes brightened and his teeth extended a fraction. He drew a deep breath and reined his feelings in.
"Commander Aeris,” the man said in a cold tone. “I would like to proceed with the mission as planned if all went well with the signing of the declaration."
Van frowned when he noticed that the captain didn't even acknowledge Amerii, let alone ask about her state of health.
Heart of a Commander [Daughters of Lyra Series] Page 4