by Julie Howlin
‘I was grown up before,’ she said, slowly, ‘And I sort of remember. You have to say things you don’t mean, don’t you?’
First auras, now past lives, I thought. I'd read that kids often remember having lived before, but it had not occurred to me to ask Amber if she did. This could be interesting.
‘So tell me about when you were grown up before. Was I there?’
Amber seemed to think for a moment. ‘Yes. You were my sister then, too. You had a really nice husband.’
‘Was it Jonathan?’
‘Ew! No! He was a nice man.’
‘Well, if you ever see him in this life, do let me know,’ I said. I realised with a small shock that I was admitting to myself that perhaps Jonathan was not The One.
‘I did see him once. He was...’
The phone rang again. It was Megan. ‘I’m glad it was you who answered,’ she said. ‘Is Jonathan there?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I’ve got Amber here so he’s gone home for tonight.’
‘Good. I thought it was only fair to let you know that I’ve decided to leave the group. There’s something about your relationship with Jonathan that doesn’t seem healthy - it’s altering the dynamic of the group in a way I don’t like. I want you to know it’s not personal, though, and I’d like to keep in touch. I’m going to start my own group and I think Lorna will come with me. I know a couple of other people who are interested as well. You know, I’d love to have you in my group too, but I guess you’re a bit tied to Jonathan.’
‘I guess I am,’ I said, with genuine regret. I was also imagining how dull and dry the group would be without Megan and Lorna, with only Jonathan, Cynthia, and Edward, who still didn’t talk to me.
‘Listen, I want you to know that if things don’t work out with Jonathan, you’ll be more than welcome in my group, so give me a call, okay?’
One of these days, I thought, Jonathan will be my only friend. He will make sure of it.
24 jamie and the harmans
Tabitha’s face was healing really well, but there was something about her spirit that was cowed and still bruised. I wanted desperately to tell her I knew. I wanted to say to her that she could press charges and if she did, Jonathan would be placed somewhere where he could no longer hurt her. I wanted to protect her from him. The recollection of some training I’d done once on domestic violence stopped me. Tabitha was at a stage when any attempt to rescue her would only drive her further away. She had to be ready to deal with it. Ready to leave. If there was anything I could have done to make that day come sooner, I would have done it. But I knew there was nothing. All I could do was my job - make sure she knew that Victim Support would be happy to offer her support.
‘Yeah, they sent me some stuff,’ she’d said. ‘But I’m okay, really. The bruises are almost gone.’
‘Indeed. But sometimes there are scars that don’t show. I’ve seen it plenty of times. If you ever feel you’re not coping, there’s no shame in asking for help.’
‘I know, Jamie. But I’m really fine. Jonathan has been great - really supportive.’
I actually cringed at the mention of the man’s name. Time to move on. ‘Mr and Mrs Harman and Monica’s sister are in the office,’ I said. ‘Come and meet them.’
Mr Harman was a stocky man; I could imagine him being the life and soul of the party before all this happened. Mrs Harman was petite and blonde - Monica had favoured her, as did the sister, Alison, who was distraught. There was an ethereal quality about Alison that made me want to protect her. All I could do was hand her tissues.
I didn’t want to pry, but I couldn’t resist staying in the room to watch Tabitha working. Everything she said about Monica was confirmed by her parents. The football, and an aunt with a glass eye, who was now taking care of Monica in the spirit world. Monica had not been ready to die, but she was being healed of the trauma and wanted to help others who’d died suddenly. She loved them and wanted them to be happy.
‘You’re afraid this man will come after you, too, Alison,’ Tabitha said.
Alison nodded.
‘Monica says he won’t. It’s true he wants to kill again, but he has some sort of mission, and you’re not a part of it. You’re safe.’ I was impressed. I wondered if Tabitha would consider giving me a personal reading one day.
‘Thank you,’ Alison said, quietly.
I left the Harmans to absorb the things they had been told and escorted Tabitha to the door. ‘Do you have time for a quick drink? Even if you don’t want to talk to Victim Support, you’re welcome to bend my ear if you like. Off the record, of course.’
Not a date. A professional meeting. Customer care. Because I didn't want to go home alone with the feelings the case was stirring up for me.
‘I’d love to, but I can’t,’ she said, and my heart sank a little. ‘Jonathan is probably wearing a groove in the pavement by now.’ Sure enough, there he was, pacing up and down in front of the building, and had no doubt been there all along. ‘Thanks for the offer, though,’ she said. ‘I’ll keep it in mind.’
I watched her go over to him. He kissed her on the cheek, and they stood for a while, talking. If I hadn’t known about what had happened behind closed doors, I would have believed they were a loving couple. He said something to her, and she shook her head. Then he took her hand, and they walked away, out of sight. It really was none of my business.
I went back to the Harmans and saw them out, too.
‘Thank you for all this, Inspector Swan,’ Mr Harman said. ‘We do appreciate it. I know you’ve stuck your neck out to arrange for us to meet that girl and we can’t thank you enough. It means such a lot.’
‘I’m glad I could help.’
‘We thought we’d go and visit Mabel’s grave, now,’ Mrs Harman said. ‘The aunt with the glass eye. I know it will be a while before they’ll release Monica, but we can still spend time with Mabel.’
‘I’d really rather not,’ Alison said. ‘I’d rather go home, if you don’t mind.’
I watched them leave the building and go off in separate directions. I zipped up my jacket and went outside. It was a clear, cold night with stars in the sky. I set off for the tube.
Alison was sitting on a seat on the platform, tears streaming down her face. I went and sat beside her. ‘Are you okay?’ I asked. ‘Are you okay to get home?’
‘I guess,’ she said. ‘I didn’t want to be alone. I really didn’t. I was going to go back to Mum’s. But I really don’t want to go visiting graves right now, either.’
‘Why don’t we go and grab a coffee somewhere?’ I asked on impulse. We were two people, neither of whom wanted to go home alone just yet. It made sense, as if it was meant to be.
‘That would be nice,’ she said.
25 tabitha and jonathan
‘So who was there? Anybody besides you and that inspector?’ There was a nasty edge to Jonathan’s voice.
‘Well, yes - the family of the victim. It was a meeting with them to give them some comfort and closure.’
‘Good, because I don’t like you being alone with other men, Tabby.’
‘Jonathan, this is work. It's no different to the target-setting meetings I have with Robert.’ This, I soon discovered, had been entirely the wrong thing to say.
‘You are alone with Robert?’
‘Sometimes, yes - but he's my boss, for God's sake. It's all part of the job.’
‘Well, then, we’re going to have to think about you giving up work. I can support you.’
I wondered if I’d heard that right. Much as my job irritated me, it was a big part of my life - true, I often wished I could leave - but to do something else, not just to stay at home all day, especially if I wasn’t allowed to see my friends or even go to the shops on my own.
‘It’s not just about the money, Jonathan. It’s my career.’
‘Your career is going to be as my wife and mother of my children,’ Jonathan said. I noticed he was blinking again. ‘You don’t need a job.’
I stared at him. If that was a proposal it certainly wasn’t how I’d imagined it would be. I’d imagined a romantic candlelight dinner and a somewhat nervous man getting down on one knee and asking me. We were standing on a grey, concrete street, passers by looking at us suspiciously as the tones of our voices suggested an argument. And more to the point, I was not being asked. I was being told. You are going to marry me, give up work and have babies.
‘I told you. I don’t want to have children,’ I said.
Jonathan looked at me as if I’d confessed to killing and eating children. ‘All women want to have children,’ he said. ‘You’re just in denial. Once all these worldly distractions are gone, you’ll settle into it nicely.’
‘Once you’ve imprisoned me and denied me a life and anything else to do!’ I cried. Two women in dark suits who had emerged from Scotland Yard turned their heads to look at me. ‘We’ll talk about this later,’ Jonathan said, calmly, and the two women went back to their conversation and walked off down the street.
It was not a conversation I was looking forward to.
**
‘What’s happening to us, Tabs?’ I was sitting with Jess and Simon in a coffee shop at lunch time. Since Jonathan had barred me from going out with them in the evening I’d managed to make excuses and keep the friendship going by meeting them for lunch - but they were losing patience with me, I could tell.
Jess continued. ‘Didn’t we all make a pact that we’d never let any man come between us? That our friendship was more important?’
‘Yes,’ I said, guessing what was coming next.
‘You never come out with us anymore because you’re attached at the hip to that Jonathan,’ Simon said.
‘I’m out with you now, aren’t I?’ I said.
‘It’s second best and you know it,’ said Jess. ‘I’m missing our evenings down the pub, going clubbing. Jumping on a train and going to Southend on a Saturday. We don’t do any of that any more, the three of us. I never thought you’d be the one to break the compact, Tabs.’
‘It’s complicated,’ I said.
‘No, it’s not,’ Simon said. ‘It’s perfectly simple. You prefer being with that man to being with us. It’s like you don’t want the good times any more. You’re growing away from us.’
‘That’s not true,’ I said.
Jess looked at me. It was a look that said, ‘I know. He’s jealous and controlling’. It also said, ‘you’re going to have to choose’. My mobile rang. Guess who. Checking up on me.
‘Where are you?’ he demanded. ‘I can hear voices. You’re not in a pub, are you?’
‘No, Jonathan, I’m in a coffee bar. I’m having lunch.’
‘I thought you had a staff room at the office you could sit in.’
‘I have to come out and buy something to eat,’ I said.
‘I’ll make you sandwiches from now on. I don’t like you being out in a public place like that where some sleazy businessman could hit on you.’
‘Look, I need to get out of the office for a bit - if I can’t get out of the building at all during the day it drives me crazy. For the fresh air if nothing else.’
‘I’ll meet you for lunch, then. We can sit in the park.’
‘I’ve got to go,’ I said. ‘Can we talk later?’ I really didn’t want to deal with this in front of my friends.
‘I’ll meet you after work,’ he said, ominously. ‘We shall talk then.’
**
Sure enough, at ten to five he was hovering outside the office door. Knowing Robert did not like people paying social visits to his workforce, Jonathan stayed outside, but seeing him pacing up and down made me nervous.
‘That’s your chap, isn’t it?’ Sarah asked. I nodded. ‘Attentive, isn’t he?’ That was one way of putting it. ‘Look, if you want to go, I’ll lock up,’ she said, thinking she was doing me a big favour. Perhaps she was. This conversation needed to be over and done with.
I’d imagined my soul mate would meet me after work with a bunch of flowers and whisk me off for a romantic meal, a movie, a fun night out with Jess and Simon and their partners. That we’d link arms and walk off together, laughing. It wasn’t like that. Jonathan barely greeted me - he just took my arm in a vice-like grip that actually hurt, and said, ‘We’re going home.’
We went to his house. He didn’t speak to me at all on the way there, but kept his grip on me as if he was afraid I would escape. He led me into his front room and pushed me roughly onto his hideous brown plastic sofa. Standing over me with fists on his hips, I could tell he was a volcano waiting to erupt. He was blinking at an unprecedented rate. ‘You were in the coffee bar on West Street opposite the tube, were you not?’ he said.
‘That’s the one nearest the office,’ I said, not quite sure what he was driving at. ‘I often eat there.’
‘I walked past it. I saw you in there with those friends of yours. The ones I told you I didn’t want you to see.’
‘You were checking up on me?’
‘And I needed to, did I not? For you were disobeying me, were you not?’
‘They’re my friends, Jonathan. We always promised each other we’d not give up on our friendship when we had partners. They’re already well pissed off with me because they’ve been relegated to lunch times.’
‘Well, I told you that you were to give them up. You have disobeyed me and you have lied.’
‘I did not lie. I told you I was having lunch in a coffee bar and I was.’
‘You neglected to tell me who you were with.’
‘Well, yes, firstly because you didn’t ask, and secondly because I knew you’d be pissed off with me.’
‘I won’t have you using that sort of language, Tabby. If you’re going to be my wife and the mother of my children, things have got to change. First of all, you are going to hand in your notice. Tomorrow. Then you are going to move in here with me. You’ll find another home for that cat of yours because I don’t want cat hair and litter trays all over my house. You’re to stop working with that Jamie Swan, and you’re not to see those friends. You are going to stop taking the pill right now. The sooner you’re expecting my child, the better - perhaps then you will wake up to your duty and settle down. I’ll book the registry office tomorrow for as soon as possible. I can’t wait to be your husband any longer, Tabby. I love you. I’m asking you to marry me.’
I gaped at him. If he was asking, I knew what my answer had to be. I took a deep breath. ‘No, Jonathan,’ I said.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘I said, no, Jonathan. I don’t want to marry you if I have to give up my work, my friends and my cat. I don’t want to be your barefoot, pregnant slave! I don’t want children! I want a life! This isn’t working, Jonathan. I want out.’
‘How dare you,’ he said. ‘How dare you defy me? How dare you defy your natural destiny?’
He pulled me off the sofa, threw me to the floor and kicked me. In the face. In the stomach. In the kidneys. Several times. I could hear him shouting that each kick was for some misdemeanour - lying, not telling him things, seeing forbidden friends, swearing, defying him - the list went on and on. I lost track - all I knew was the pain and the certainty that he was going to kill me. I fought to stay conscious, to find a way to escape, but after a kick which was apparently for wearing a low-cut top when I went to meet Jamie Swan at Scotland Yard, everything went black.
**
Next thing I knew I was lying on the sofa. My head felt as though it was about to explode. Jonathan was stroking my hair and crying - though even in the state I was in, I knew they were crocodile tears. All for show, and not for me.
‘Someone must have got in, a burglar. She must have disturbed them... Oh God, Tabitha... Tabitha...’
‘There was no intruder,’ said a voice that was oddly familiar. A faint Scottish accent. Who?... ‘Was there, Mr Vandenburgh?’
I opened one eye. Edward. The member of the group who so rarely spoke, who I felt had never accepted me, was
standing just inside the door. ‘Of course there was an intruder,’ Jonathan said. ‘Surely you’re not suggesting that I would...’
‘That is exactly what I’m suggesting, Mr Vandenburgh. I could see it coming as soon as that lass joined us. My guides sent me here today. I didn’t know why, but the message was clear. I got here and found the door not properly closed, so I knew it was intended that I come in. Now I know why.’ It was the most I had ever heard Edward say that wasn’t ‘channelled’.
I heard an urgent ringing on the doorbell. Jonathan’s mouth opened and closed a few times, like a fish. ‘It’s not true,’ he said. ‘Tabitha will tell you - it simply isn’t true.’ He shot me a desperate look. The doorbell rang again.
Jonathan made no move to answer it. Edward said, ‘I’ll be right back,’ and left the room. Jonathan turned to me, and I flinched, wondering if he dared hit me again now, and if so, what misdemeanour it would be for.
‘Please,’ he hissed, ‘tell them I didn’t do this to you.’
I heard a woman’s voice in the hallway. ‘...and I just felt this odd compulsion to come here, right away. I know it was a message from spirit and that I was needed for some reason, that Jonathan might need help.’ Cynthia.
‘Oh, he needs help all right,’ Edward said. ‘Come in here and see this.’
Cynthia, dressed in her jodhpurs and riding boots, holding a hard riding hat in her hand, strode into the room, and gasped as she saw me. She recovered quickly from the shock and took a mobile phone from her pocket. ‘I’m calling the police,’ she said.
Jonathan broke down. ‘I didn't touch her,’ he sobbed. ‘I swear. I love her, she's my life! You've got to believe me!’ Of all people, he should have known better than to lie to two psychics who had been guided by spirit to come and rescue me from him.
**