by JJ Knight
One conversation I do remember during lunch, though, was between three girls talking about love. They argued about how you knew if you were in love with someone.
One said it was when you got mad if they talked to another girl.
The second said it was when you couldn’t think about anything else.
The third said it was when you knew you wanted to have sex with them.
I sat there listening, and realized all three of those things were how I felt about Denham.
I was in love.
This made me bolder. I felt justified in everything I did. It was love! That weekend, I convinced Mom and Dad to go see a movie and have dinner.
Denham had friends now and protested having to stick around and help me with Andy, but Dad insisted that his obedience was what allowed him to live with us. As soon as they were out the door, Denham stalked to his and Andy’s room and slammed the door.
I got Andy fed and ready for bed as early as I dared and lightly knocked on the door. Denham didn’t answer. I was feeling bad about Denham getting stuck there because of my idea, but when I opened the door, that evaporated.
He wasn’t there.
“Where’s Denum?” Andy asked.
I hurried to the window. It was closed but unlocked.
I could rock his world by latching it, leaving him no way to get in. But I didn’t.
“He just went outside for a little while,” I said. “Let’s read a book.”
My mind definitely wasn’t on the shark story as I read. I was disappointed and a little angry. He was breaking the rules, assuming I would lie for him.
And why was he so desperate to leave me? We were just kissing. There was no harm in it.
But I did know. My feelings ran strong. My parents wouldn’t approve. Denham’s ability to live here was at risk.
I should leave him alone too.
By the time Andy was asleep, I felt like crying. I had all this emotion inside and I didn’t know what to do with it. I played sappy love songs on my iPod and wandered the house in a miserable daze.
My parents came home, and I said both boys were asleep. Mom popped her head in the room, but I guess she didn’t really notice from the doorway that Denham wasn’t in the snarl of bedding. Or maybe he actually was home by then. I hadn’t been brave enough to check.
I confined myself to my room, my window open a few inches since it faced the backyard, same as Andy’s. I might catch him sneaking back in if he was still out. The night was hot, and I had a fan blowing on me, so I almost missed it when he slid his window up.
I leaned out. “Denham,” I whispered.
He saw me and turned. “What?”
“Don’t wake up Andy. Mom thinks you’re in there.”
He stumbled back a step, and I realized, he’s not all right.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” he said. “Just a little drunk.”
“Drunk!”
“Yeah, you should try it. If you aren’t scared.” His face was twisted in the moonlight.
My anger flared up. I wasn’t the one who was afraid!
“That’s rich coming from a boy who’s too scared to even kiss me properly.”
His eyebrows shot up and he headed my way. “Am I?”
I ducked back through my window. Denham seemed different, really different, with the alcohol. My pulse sped up.
He stuck his leg in my window and stepped in. He glanced at my closed door and down at the fan, which whirred noisily by our feet.
“Is this more of what you were aiming for?” he asked, and snatched me close to him.
His mouth was hot and hard against mine, and he tasted like nothing I recognized, sweet and strong. But it was what I wanted, and I relaxed into it. His hands weren’t slow to respond this time. They moved to the bottom of my pajama top and slid beneath to surround my bare waist.
His touch on my skin ignited me. I gasped against his mouth, but he didn’t slow down the kiss.
Everything was on fire. I was desperate for him to touch me more, everywhere. I remembered what the girl said at lunch. You know you’re in love when you want to have sex with him.
And I did. I knew I was young, but all the girls were talking about it. Some of them had already done it, or at least said they had.
His hands moved up and cupped both my breasts at the same time. I wanted to lie down then, to give in, to let him do whatever he wanted.
I found a belt loop on his jeans and tugged him toward the bed. I could picture myself sprawled across it, my hair everywhere, and him looking at me. I wanted this.
We moved together, his hands roaming my body. I fell back on the bed, and Denham just stood there a moment, looking at me. I could feel him hesitating, breaking away from how he felt and thinking about it too hard.
“We don’t have to go all the way,” I whispered. “Just show me things. You know things, right?”
He let out a long exhale. The bed shifted as he lay next to me. “We’re playing with fire, Livia,” he whispered. “Once we go down this path, there’s a point of no return.”
“We won’t go there,” I said. “Just close to it. Okay?”
He shook his head. “It’s a bad idea, but damn it if I can’t resist you at all.” He leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on my mouth. “I’m all sobered up now.”
“Good,” I said. “I want you to remember everything.” I hesitated, my heart hammering. “Because I’m in love with you.”
His eyes glittered as he searched my face. “Really?”
“Yeah. I think I have been for a while.”
His smile was lazy and irresistible. “You’re one crazy kid.”
I thought I might cry. I wasn’t a kid! I would show him that. “Kiss me some more,” I said.
Denham watched me, his breath coming fast. I knew it was working. We were beating the obstacles, knocking them down. Nobody knew what we felt. Nobody had to know.
“No way I can resist you,” he said. “No way.”
And he kissed me again, not just my mouth, not just my skin, but every sensitive place, inside and out. He showed me the things he knew, and I felt like a flower opening its petals to the sun.
We were careful then, not going too far, learning each other, taking no risks.
But he was right. Once we started, there was no going back.
Chapter 14
I never did write Mindy. The shame came over me again. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know who Denham was then, or that in the end he wasn’t my half-brother. The shadow that darkened those years crossed over me and I couldn’t talk to anyone, not even in messages.
I was glad I was alone.
For an hour or so, I distracted myself by poring over Gwen’s Facebook page, saving photos of Gabriella to my iPad. Then I felt guilty for stalking her without her knowing and shut it down. My life was a mess. So many lies and half-truths. I thought about this woman who was Denham’s mother and the Aunt Didi who dumped him on us. But they were dead.
I wondered if Denham knew his father by now. That would be Gabriella’s grandfather. He might be alive. Another person cheated from knowing her.
I stood up and changed from my dance clothes into sweatpants. The loneliness began to pierce me. I needed to do something useful so I could get my mind off these thoughts of Denham and Gabriella.
But I had loved Denham. And eventually, he had loved me.
That first month of high school was amazing.
We knew our limits. Now that the floodgates were open, Denham and I sneaked around any time we could. After Mom and Dad had gone to bed, he would come to my room, and we would push the envelopes of touching, tasting, and teasing each other.
I wanted more, but Denham was dead set against it. And we were careful not to be seen together too much. There was this glow about us that would be so easy to spot.
Denham quit sneaking out. He still wore boots and leather, but he was softer now, less angry and bitter. He even stopped smoking.
Most nights he played with Andy, and he and I stole happy glances at each other from across the room.
One night at dinner, Mom remarked that Denham sure was fitting in well with us.
“I like playing with Andy,” Denham said carefully. “He’s a great kid.”
Andy leaned over in his chair to rest his head on Denham’s shoulder. “I love Denum.”
My dad grunted, but I could see he was pleased with how it was all working out. Later, I wondered why he hadn’t gone ahead and told us that night that Denham was his son. If he had, he could have saved our family so much heartache.
With two seemingly responsible teenagers at home now, Mom and Dad decided to go to San Antonio overnight for their anniversary. I thought about having an entire night to be with Denham, going anywhere we wanted in the house, and felt flushed with anticipation.
We put Andy to bed as usual, and waited a solid hour to make sure he was sound asleep before crashing into each other.
“On the sofa,” Denham said. “And the kitchen table.”
“Backyard?” I asked. October was still warm in Houston.
“Anywhere you want,” he said.
And we did, wearing as little as possible, teasing each other, kissing and touching and doing all the things we’d figured out over the past two months.
When we got into the backyard, Denham dropped the reclining lawn chair down into the position I used when I would get sun over the summer.
“I want you here,” he said. “Like that first time I got a good look at you.”
I sat down on it and leaned back. The moon was high and full, casting a light glow over the yard. The neighborhood slept. Our fence was solid and no windows looked in.
“I want you naked out here,” he said, and a thrill zipped through me. We rarely undressed all the way, since we were so afraid of getting caught.
But I did what he said, slipping off my clothes in the moonlight.
He did the same, and I saw all of him for the first time. He lay next to me, our bodies pressed tightly together on the lounger.
We didn’t speak, just kissing and touching like we always did. The rung of the lounger started to bite into my side, so I shifted onto my back. Denham moved over me, and my heart raced with him in that position.
“I feel so strongly about you, Livia,” he said. “What have you done?”
I smiled up at him. “I don’t know. Just loved you, I guess.”
“I think I get it now,” he said. “The love thing.”
I thought my heart would absolutely stop beating. “What do you mean?”
“I think I love you too.”
Everything soared inside me. I was warm from head to toe. Denham loved me back! There was nothing we couldn’t do. We would be together forever.
His body pressed against me at the hips, and I could feel everything, him hard and strong between us. I’d touched him, even tasted him. I knew that part of him well.
But I wanted it the way real couples did it. It was like a molten fire, almost painful in the need. Surely he wanted it too. Especially now that he felt the same as I did.
I kept his gaze as I shifted below him, angling my body so that he was where he needed to be.
He closed his eyes. “Livia,” he said softly.
“Don’t think,” I said.
He eased against me, sliding around. Then he was inside, and my world splintered. The burn was searing at first, then it lessened. But it didn’t matter, because Denham was going now, his hands on my shoulders.
I moved with him and found his rhythm. And I understood. This was what made life work. My love for him flooded me and I knew I would never get enough. I would want this and want this and want this.
That first time was risky and unprotected, but had no consequences. It was later that we were stupid. We had condoms that Denham picked up, but they were sometimes in the wrong part of the house, or we’d run out but did things anyway.
We got reckless.
And then we got caught.
I don’t want to think on that, alone in this hotel. I push it away and lay on the bed in the room I share with Blitz. I send him a message that I miss him and tuck his pillow under my head. It has been the longest day, but I have gotten through it. Now just a night, and tomorrow he will be back.
I’ll return to my happy present, where Denham can’t hurt me, and all this will eventually be another terrible dark memory.
Chapter 15
I wake up at a crazy early hour with a load of missed messages from Blitz.
I filter through the texts and listen to the two voice mails. It’s 5 a.m. here in Texas, which means it is only 3 a.m. in California.
His last message was around midnight when he went to bed after a long day of legal meetings and a couple hours at court. One of the contestants of Dance Blitz is suing for breach of contract, but he said it was going to work out. Same tactics as we’d use for BD, he said, which is what he’s calling Denham now, for baby daddy.
Delay and delay until they can’t afford their lawyer anymore. He refuses to settle, at least for now. The suit is ridiculous, just an angry girl who thought she would win.
I turn the ringer back on and head to the shower. My own pointe ballet class isn’t until the afternoon, but I might as well get the day going. Maybe I can have the driver take me around town. I could go see Irma at church, or drive by the park on the off chance Mom and Andy are there alone. I miss my brother.
I step into the spray, determined to have a better day and not let my past get to me.
Blitz calls late morning and just talking to him lifts my spirits. I tell him a little bit about my run-in with Denham, and that I had spilled that Gabriella is a girl.
“Don’t say anything else,” Blitz says. “Try to avoid contact. We’ll freeze him out on the legal side, don’t worry. He’ll give up eventually.”
“But he’s sat outside the academy every day since he got here!” I say.
“We’ll talk to Danika together about it,” Blitz says. “Maybe we can have a police officer chat him up, make him uncomfortable, even if it’s legal for him to sit there.”
“But what if she wants to tell Gwen about me?”
“We don’t have to mention the baby. Only that he’s an ex stalking you.”
“Okay.”
“I’m heading into the very last meeting with the producers before I get on a plane,” Blitz says. “By tonight, I’ll be back to ravishing you.”
I laugh a little. “Okay, Blitz. I love you,” I say.
“I love you too, Princess. Don’t go to dance if you’re not up for it.”
“I won’t.”
“See you tonight.”
I decide to go for a swim in the indoor pool for some extra exercise that won’t tire my feet before ballet. By the time I’m done with that and cleaned up again, it’s time for a quick late lunch and to head up to the academy.
The same slate blue SUV and blond driver are waiting for me downstairs. Like before, I get in the front seat.
“I didn’t get your name yesterday,” I say.
“Ted,” he says.
“Do you have to wait here all day for me to call for you?” I ask.
“That’s my job.” He pulls away from the hotel.
“How much do you know about what’s going on?” I ask.
“Only that I’m to drive you anywhere you want and make sure nobody upsets you. But not to follow you inside places unless you ask.”
“You’ll come inside?”
“You only have to ask.”
I wonder if I should do that. But that would be weird and obvious and the dance teachers would talk.
“I’m okay there. I might drive by a park, though. And I might have you walk with me there.”
“Works for me.”
I don’t try to be chatty beyond this. I watch out the window as the world passes by. At least I don’t have to worry about Denham spotting Gabriella today. She won’t be there.
When we app
roach Dreamcatcher, Denham’s green truck is parked in the same place as yesterday. He said he didn’t have much gas for it. I wonder if he’s dead broke. How he can just sit there, no job, nothing else to do? I don’t know anything about his current life.
But as we drive up, I don’t see him sitting in the driver’s seat. Is he lying down, maybe? Sleeping? My anxiety grows a little.
Then I spot him. He’s walking along the sidewalk. We’re about to come up right alongside him!
I frantically dig through my bag for sunglasses, but they aren’t there. “How tinted are these windows?” I ask.
“Not as good up here as in the back,” Ted says.
Shoot. I turn my face away from the sidewalk as we turn in, but I know it’s too late. Denham’s seen me.
“What’s he doing?” I ask Ted.
“Is that the guy?”
“Yes.”
“He’s staring at the car.”
“Does he seem like he saw me?”
“He’s following us on foot.”
My heart races. “Don’t park in the back. He’ll know that’s what we’ve been doing.”
Ted abruptly turns into a spot at the side of the building. “He’s pretty close. You want me to take him down?”
“No,” I say. “Let me think.”
I might as well look. Denham hangs out on the sidewalk a little longer, as if he’s trying to decide what to do. We’ve turned so that my side of the car faces the street, so he’s only a few yards away. Our eyes meet.
“He seems jumpy,” Ted says.
“He does,” I agree.
“I think I should have a word with him.”
I hold out my arm. “No. Maybe I’ll just skip dance.”
“He might follow us.”
“He doesn’t have much gas,” I say. But of course, that was yesterday. He might have filled up last night.
We continue to sit there, and then it seems like Denham makes up his mind. He steps into the parking lot, his face hard and determined. I think he’s going to approach our SUV, but he storms past it and goes up the steps of the academy.
“That can’t be good,” I say.
“You want me to go in with you?” Ted asks.