by Nancy Mehl
I nodded. “I know.”
“I’m going to eat breakfast with Noah in the living room. That will give you two a chance to visit. I wouldn’t take too long though. Charity will be up any minute.”
“What am I supposed to say to him?”
Lizzie put the spatula on the counter and sat down next to me. “You tell him the truth, Callie. Whatever it is. And you tell him about your father. What you’ve remembered.”
I couldn’t respond. Tears dripped down my face and splashed on the table. Suddenly I was afraid. Would Levi understand? Would he still want me? A desire rose up inside of me to run upstairs, change my clothes, and turn back into the girl Levi had fallen in love with.
Lizzie leaned over and hugged me before she got up and went back to the stove. She finished the eggs and made toast while I tried to figure out what to say to Levi. By the time she’d made up two more plates, Levi came into the kitchen.
“Noah’s back on the couch,” he said, shaking his head. “I think he’s milking this as much as he can. He loves being waited on.”
Lizzie chuckled. “I know that. But after last night, I’m grateful to God he’s okay. Babying him a little is fine with me. Everyone needs special attention once in a while.”
“It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have him checked out,” Levi said. “Marvin broke a rib once. We had no idea he was badly injured until he passed out from the pain. Sometimes people feel fine until that broken part of the rib moves.”
“When the phone’s back up, I’ll call the doctor in Washington and make an appointment,” Lizzie said.
“Noah said you’ve been having trouble with it,” I said. “It keeps going out.”
She nodded. “That’s true, but since last night, it’s been deader than a doornail. I think all the phone lines are down in this area. Hard to know when they’ll be up again.”
“Speaking of injuries, how are you feeling?” Lizzie asked me.
“Very sore,” I said. “My entire chest is turning dark.”
“You’re hurting?” Levi asked.
“Just from the seat belt. It bruised me pretty bad, and it hurts worse today. But I’ll be fine.”
Levi frowned at me. “We need to keep an eye on you too. If you start hurting more or if you have any other symptoms, you’ve got to let us know, okay?”
“I will. But really, I’m okay.”
Lizzie wiped her hands on her apron. “If you want a pain pill, let me know, Callie. They really helped Noah.”
I smiled at her. “I might take you up on that a little later, but I don’t want to be sleepy right now.”
“Okay.” She pointed at Levi. “You sit down. I’ve got your food ready. Noah and I will eat in the living room.”
Levi started to protest, but Lizzie held up a hand to silence him. “No arguments. You need to trust me.”
Levi seemed puzzled and looked over at me. I couldn’t read him, couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but my stomach clenched with fear. I had to walk a path that would lead me to the truth, and Levi would have to deal with whatever waited at the end of that road. Would it be the end for us as well?
Lizzie picked up her plate and Noah’s and left the room. The silence that followed her departure was so deep, I was afraid to broach it. To disturb it. I knew my life would never be the same when the words I had to say finally came out.
“What’s going on, Callie?” Levi’s eyes searched mine. “And why are you dressed like that? Lizzie has more appropriate clothing you could borrow. You . . . you look like someone else.”
My heart sank at his words. “Levi, something . . . something has happened, and I need to explain.” With that, I began to tell him everything. The truth about my father and how I’d hidden from it all those years. That I’d been living in my father’s shadow for so long I’d never allowed myself to have opinions or feelings that didn’t line up with the church or with my father’s strict teachings. When I finished, he just sat and stared at me.
“I’m sorry you were treated like that, Callie,” he said finally. “Really sorry. I had no idea—”
“Of course you didn’t. We weren’t close when we were kids, and my father didn’t share his feelings with anyone else. Lizzie knew because she overheard some of the things he said to me.”
“One thing I don’t understand. You actually forgot about his treatment of you? How is that possible?”
“I can’t pretend to comprehend it all yet, Levi. Lizzie knows more about it than I do because she worked with abused women in Kansas City. I guess it was a kind of emotional protection. A way to keep myself from the pain inside. It started when my mother left, and from there, it got worse. Lizzie said it was like stuffing all the hurt into a closet. But it didn’t really stay inside. Sometimes I’d get so mad. The other day when Ruby came into the restaurant, it all came to the surface. My closet burst open.” I shook my head. “The anger was so intense. Almost uncontrollable.”
“Ruby reminded you of your own situation.”
“Yes. I believe that’s exactly what happened.”
Levi clasped his hands together, his breakfast forgotten. “What can I do to help you?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t know. Give me some time. I’m confused.”
His blue eyes were locked on mine. “But we’re still getting married. This doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
I reached over and grabbed his hand. “Oh, Levi.” I felt a tear slide down my cheek. “I’m twenty-two years old, and I’ve just discovered that I have no idea who Callie Hoffman really is.” I looked down at Lizzie’s sweater. “I don’t even know how Callie Hoffman dresses. If she believes in our Mennonite way of life or not.” I brought my face up and met his gaze. “Please understand that I love Kingdom. And I love you. But I’ve never been given the chance to choose. Even my relationship with God is based on what my father told me it should be. Shouldn’t every person have the chance to decide what they believe? I mean, if they don’t, how can their beliefs mean anything?”
Levi was silent, and his taciturn behavior frightened me. Why couldn’t he sweep me into his arms and offer me reassurance? Let me know that no matter what, he’d stay by my side?
“Say something, Levi,” I said finally, unable to keep the impatience out of my voice.
“Callie, the truth is . . . you’re right. Completely right. You do have the right to choose. No one should follow Christ just because their parents did.” He sighed deeply, as if releasing something painful from his body. “Nor should you marry someone because you think you should. Marriage should be out of love, no matter what our ancestors thought.”
“Levi, I’m not saying I don’t love you. Please don’t assume that. My feelings for you are the same. And I do love God. With all my heart. I’m just afraid that my choices will hurt you. You’re a Mennonite pastor. Your wife should be . . . I don’t know . . . the perfect Mennonite woman. I’m not sure I can be that.”
Levi stood up and walked over to the stove where he poured himself another cup of coffee. I could see that the muscles under his shirt were taut.
“I don’t want you to be upset. . . .”
He brought his coffee cup over to the table and sat down again. “I understand what you’re saying, but I’m not sure how you want me to respond.” He stared into his cup for a moment. “I love you, Callie. You. No matter what you wear or don’t wear. I wanted to marry you before you told me these things, and I still want to marry you. We can work through all of this . . . together.” He gazed into my eyes. “But if you need some time, I will give it to you. I don’t want us to be apart, but I have no desire to push you into something you’re not ready for.”
“Thank you. Just give me a little time to process everything. That’s all I’m asking.” I hesitated for a moment. I was grateful for his understanding and didn’t want to make him angry. “Levi, there is one other thing I’d like you to do for me though. If it might help in any way, please go to the sheriff with what you know about
these killings.”
He sighed deeply. “Callie, I told you very clearly that what I know has nothing to do with who killed those women. Why won’t you believe me?”
“I do believe you. This is the last time I intend to bring it up. I just think the sheriff should determine whether or not your information is important. Not you.”
“What I know has less to do with the murders than it does with . . . you.”
“What are you talking about?” My voice trembled with emotion. What in the world did he mean? “How could it have anything to do with me?”
Levi leaned against the kitchen cabinet and stared out the window. “Look, this isn’t the right time to talk about this. I’ll tell you all about it later, Callie. I promise. But not right now. You’re going to have to trust me.”
“All right.”
He came over to where I sat and put his hand on my cheek. “I need some time to think, and so do you. I’m leaving. Let’s talk again in a few days. But please know that I’m willing to work through anything. I love you, but you need to decide if you feel the same way.”
With one last, long look, he left the kitchen. I tried to get up and go after him, but pain stabbed me in the chest as I struggled to scoot out of the nook. By the time I got to my feet, I heard the front door slam. I hurried into the living room as quickly as I could.
“Where’s Levi going?” Lizzie asked.
I stared at the front door, my body throbbing. I wanted to run after him and ask him to come back. Dresses and prayer coverings didn’t mean as much as Levi did. I’d do whatever I had to do to make things right. I suddenly felt Lizzie’s arm around me.
“He thinks we need time to ourselves, Lizzie,” I said, my voice breaking. “I don’t want to lose him.”
“Let him go, Callie,” she said softly. “He’s right. You both need time to sort out your feelings. If you’re meant to be together, it will only strengthen you. You need to be honest with each other, and I’m not sure you’re ready to do that yet.” She hugged me. “It’s all right, honey. Come over here and sit down. Everything will be okay.”
“I hope you’re right,” I whispered. “I really hope you’re right.”
Chapter / 16
It took several minutes for me to calm down after Levi left. Lizzie and Noah tried to reassure me that Levi and I would find our way and work things out. In the end, I understood why Levi left, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I was having a hard time breathing as I struggled to control my emotions.
“Levi said the storm is finally moving out,” Noah said once I’d settled down some. “He’s going to clear off the road all the way to Kingdom. We could take you back to town tonight, but I suggest we wait until tomorrow. Others will be working on the roads as well, and it should be much safer when they’re through.”
“I think that’s wise,” Lizzie agreed. “That gives you another day to get yourself together, Callie.”
“I feel better,” I said, “but I have a lot of thinking to do.” I put my hand up to my chest. The steady ache I’d felt all day was sharper now. Getting upset wasn’t helping me emotionally or physically.
“I truly believe everything will work out,” Lizzie said gently. She sat on the end of the couch by Noah’s feet. I was in the overstuffed chair next to the fire. The flames were warm, but my heart felt like a block of ice.
“I don’t want to force anything. Levi deserves to marry the kind of woman who will make him happy. Help him to be the best pastor he can be.”
Lizzie started to say something else, but I shook my head. I didn’t want to debate the situation anymore. My head was full of confusing thoughts that needed to be sorted out before I could find the path I should take.
“Mama?”
We looked up to see Charity standing on the stairs in her pajamas. She’d slept late. Not surprising after all the late-night commotion.
“Good morning,” Lizzie said with a smile. “Why don’t you get dressed and then come back downstairs? I’ll make you some breakfast.”
She nodded slowly. “Is Daddy all right?”
“I’m just fine, honey,” Noah said.
“Okay.” Charity didn’t seem convinced. She loved Noah. Finally having a father meant everything to her. “Nobody move. I’ll be right back.” She turned on the stairs and padded back up to the top.
“Nobody move?” Noah said, chuckling. “No problem. I’m so comfortable, I could stay here all day.”
Lizzie pulled the quilt up and covered him. “I know you feel better, but you might as well get a little more rest. You’ve been through a lot. Levi and some men from town will tow the truck back here after they clear the roads. There’s nothing you need to do right now.”
That seemed to mollify him, and within a few minutes, he was snoring away. Lizzie got up and motioned for me to follow her into the kitchen.
“More coffee?” she asked once I was settled into the breakfast nook.
“I’m too nervous already. I think I’ve had at least six cups.”
“How about some decaffeinated tea? With a little honey?”
I smiled at her. “That sounds perfect.”
She busied herself, putting water on to boil and getting cups out of the cabinet.
Though it was still morning, I suddenly felt exhausted—and old. “Levi said the oddest thing, Lizzie.”
She sat down across from me while we waited for the water to boil. “What’s that?”
I sighed and ran my finger along a ring on the hand-stitched tablecloth. “He said whatever he knew about the person who killed that woman on the road to Kingdom had more to do with me than the murder itself.”
Lizzie’s forehead wrinkled and she tilted her head to the side. “What does that mean? What could you possibly have to do with the murder?”
I shrugged. “Maybe I’m really a serial killer and don’t realize it.”
Lizzie snorted loudly. “Oh, for crying out loud, Callie. That’s ridiculous.”
“I guess so. It’s very disconcerting to realize you’re a stranger to yourself.”
She smiled at me. “You’re not a stranger. And you’re certainly not a serial killer. I think you know yourself more than you realize. You just need to face some things you haven’t before. I’ll help you. We’ll do this together.”
“Thanks.”
“What else did you two talk about?” she asked.
I went over everything I could remember. As I repeated the things Levi and I said, once again fear began to build up inside me, and with the fear, my pain increased. I tried to change my position to see if I could get some relief. It didn’t work. After telling Lizzie, she made me go in the bedroom and show her my chest.
“Oh, my goodness,” she said, lowering my sweater. “It’s a wonder you’re still on your feet. Here I’ve been focused on taking care of Noah and practically ignoring you. I’m so sorry, Callie. Why don’t you take one of Noah’s pain pills and lie down for a while?”
“I don’t like pills,” I said. “They make me feel out of control.”
Lizzie chuckled. “And we can’t have that.”
I tried to take a deep breath but couldn’t. I grimaced with pain. “Maybe I should take you up on your offer after all. I’m really starting to hurt.”
“You don’t look so good,” Lizzie said. Her voice sounded like it was coming from a barrel.
“What did you . . .” I suddenly found myself gasping for breath. “I . . . I can’t . . .”
She reached for me, but before she could catch me, I collapsed to the floor. I could hear Lizzie’s voice, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Everything was blurry, and I could have sworn someone was crying. It sounded like Charity. I wanted to tell her I was okay, reassure her that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong, but I couldn’t get any words out.
I was gasping for air, trying to cry out, but it was useless. Images started floating around like specters without bodies. I could hear people speaking, but I couldn’t understand
them. I kept passing out and coming to. At one point I could have sworn I was moving. Eventually something loud, like a siren, surrounded me. Hands touched me, picked me up, and then finally, everything became silent, and I drifted away.
Chapter / 17
“Callie? Callie, can you hear me?”
I could hear Lizzie’s voice, but it sounded so far away, I could barely make out her words. It took a while to get my eyes to stay open. Once they were, I found myself looking up into her worried face.
“Where . . . ?”
“You’re in the hospital in Washington,” Lizzie said, stroking my hair. “You’re going to be fine.”
I tried to sit up but couldn’t. “What . . . what happened?”
She took my hand. “Your lung collapsed, sweetie. You’ve also got a broken rib.”
“But how did I get here? The snow . . .”
Lizzie smiled down at me. “Levi came back. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. When he saw you had collapsed, he started clearing the road so Noah could follow behind him with you in the truck. He was prepared to go all the way to Washington, but Sheriff Timmons was out in an SUV checking the condition of the roads. Noah met him a couple of miles out of town. The sheriff called the hospital and they sent an ambulance. It was a miracle any of them got through the snow.”
“Levi came back?” I asked. My voice was so weak I wasn’t certain Lizzie could hear me.
“Yes, and he’s been here almost constantly since you’ve been in the hospital.”
“How long . . .”
“Three days. The pain medication the doctor gave you to keep you comfortable made you sleep a lot. You woke up several times, but you probably don’t remember because you were so groggy. He’s decreasing the medicine so you’ll be able to stay awake, but I’m afraid you’re going to hurt.”
“I don’t remember anything since the house.” I tried to move my head and look around me. Just as Lizzie had predicted, even that small movement was painful. “You said Levi is here?”