by Nancy Mehl
“Once I got to town, I was so ashamed of what I’d done, I wanted to go back and fix it. But Mercy Eberly found the body before I could make things right. The only thing I could think to do was to talk to Levi. So I went to him and confessed.” She dabbed at her wet eyes with her fingertips. “He was so kind. So understanding. I realized what a wonderful man he is, and how lucky you are to have him in your life. I was terrified that if you knew what I’d done, we’d never be reconciled. I begged Levi to wait until things settled down, until I could find the courage to tell you the truth.”
“So you let him come under suspicion?” I couldn’t keep the anger out of my voice. “I thought you said you were a Christian. What kind of Christian would do something like that?”
“Wait a minute, Callie,” Levi said. “She could have stayed silent, but she didn’t. And by then, I knew that the authorities didn’t actually suspect me. I told your mother it was okay to wait. As long as it didn’t put anyone else in danger.”
“But what about the investigation?” I asked. “The KBI needs to know the truth.” I glared at my mother. “You need to go to the authorities and tell them what you’ve done.”
“Esther and I already met with the sheriff,” Levi said. “The KBI believes Bud got the book at some point when he was in town and put it with the body for an unknown reason. Maybe to divert suspicion from himself. Brodie suggested we just leave things alone. Now that the KBI knows Bud was the man they were looking for, they’re not concerned about the book anyway. As far as they’re concerned, their serial-killer case is closed.”
I frowned at him. “I don’t know . . .”
Levi looked over at my mother, whose head was down. She wouldn’t look at me. “Brodie told your mother that if the question ever came up, he’d be forced to tell the truth. She accepted that. He also asked her to stay in the area until everything was finally settled with Roger. Just in case.”
Roger had been charged with negligent homicide in Mary’s death. Authorities were also looking into Bud’s shooting, not convinced he was killed to protect me. Instead, they believed Roger shot Bud to keep him from telling anyone he wasn’t responsible for Mary’s death. I had no idea what the truth was, and to be honest, I didn’t want to know.
Roger was in jail, awaiting trial and possible further charges. Levi had been to visit him several times. Even Mary’s parents went to see him, letting him know they’d forgiven him. It was the Mennonite way to return good for evil. However, it would take me some time to face him—if I ever did.
“If I need to admit to what I did in court, I will,” Mother said tearfully. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been wrong. About everything. I don’t know how many times I can ask you to forgive me.”
Having endured my father’s manipulation and verbal abuse by creating a fantasy world, I could understand a lot of the reasons my mother had acted out of her fear. Even though I was still angry about her actions, I reached for her hand.
“It’s okay,” I said. “We’ll find a way to work through this.”
“Th-thank you, Callie,” she said. “I’m trying hard to be the mother you should have had for all these years.”
“Mother, I’ve already forgiven you. But no more lies. No more hiding the truth from me. We need to be honest with each other if we’re ever going to let go of what’s behind and cherish what we have now.”
She nodded, and for the first time since we’d sat down, she smiled. “I know it may take us some time, but I believe we can become friends. Maybe more.”
“You’re my mother, and you always will be. But we’ll work on the friendship part too.”
We could hear someone coming up the stairs. Noah stuck his head in the room and nodded at his brother. “The regular customers are gone, and everyone you invited is here.”
Levi nodded at him. “Okay. We’re on the way down.”
Mother looked confused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were planning something.”
“You’re part of it, Mother,” I said. “Why don’t you come with us, and we’ll explain.”
Although she looked puzzled, she got up and followed us down the stairs. As we entered the dining room, we found friends and family seated around the tables. Lizzie had served everyone coffee and tea.
As I looked around the room, I realized how much Kingdom had been altered by recent events. It seemed as if every life had been touched in some way by the evil committed by two men.
I caught Lizzie’s eye and smiled at her. Lizzie and Noah had come to me after the incident at their house, expressing remorse for leaving me alone with Bud. They’d felt guilty for not realizing he was dangerous and asked for my forgiveness. But Bud had fooled all of us. And so had Roger. There was nothing to forgive, and I told them so. In truth, they’d saved my life in more ways than one. I was so grateful for them.
Ruby Wittenbauer sat at their table, she and Charity giggling together. Lizzie and Noah had taken Ruby in to live with them after the church told Elmer and Dorcas they had to give her up or they’d lose any future assistance. They couldn’t get Ruby out of the house fast enough. It comforted me to know that Ruby would have a wonderful life and Charity would have a sister.
All the people we’d asked to attend were there, except John Lapp. He was still recovering from his injuries. The day Bud died, John had simply stopped by to check on me after hearing I’d been in the hospital. A nice gesture that went horribly wrong. I hoped his being beaten and left for dead wouldn’t curb his desire to be neighborly in the future. We never told him he’d been suspected of being a serial killer, and we had no intention of doing so. There are some things that are better left unsaid.
John’s near-death experience did produce one good result. He took his copy of the Mennonite martyrs book to the school and donated it. Seems he originally denied he had it because he didn’t want to turn loose of it. His actions had made us suspect him of something much worse than stinginess.
I looked over at Levi. In the past week, his whole demeanor had changed. The carefree young man I’d fallen in love with was back. “I’ve been so frustrated,” he’d told me after Bud was arrested. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more open with you from the beginning. I wasn’t completely certain what I wanted to do. Now I know I just want to minister to people, but without being surrounded by rules and people telling me every move to make.”
His confession freed me to tell him some things that I found difficult to say. An honest look into my heart had brought me to some painful conclusions. Tonight, those conclusions were coming to a head.
I led Mother over to a table and sat her down next to Hope, Ebbie, and Samuel. Hope’s look of encouragement fortified me, and I prayed she’d still feel positive after Levi and I made our announcement.
Looking around the room, I saw other people who meant a great deal to me. Dottie Hostettler smiled at me. Levi’s parents were the only people who knew what we were getting ready to say. Ruth Fisher and her daughter sat with Matthew and Anna Engel. Anna’s sweet smile made me feel braver. Aaron and the elders were together at another table. Lizzie sat down next to Noah, Leah, and Brodie Timmons. Levi and I knew that what we had to tell our friends and family would be difficult for them to receive. I took a seat at an empty table, since Levi would be the one addressing them first. He walked to the center of the room.
“Thank you all for coming here tonight,” he said.
I could hear the nervousness in his voice and prayed silently that God would give him courage.
“The past few weeks have been very difficult for all of us. Seeing Kingdom under a shadow of evil made us feel vulnerable. Dealing with death was hard, but enduring the death of someone we cared for was particularly difficult. I pray you all will surround Mary’s parents with love and see to their needs.” He cleared his throat and stared down at the floor. “I’m also going to ask you to keep Roger Carson in your prayers. Roger is a fellow believer who made a terrible mistake.” He looked up and met my mother’s eyes. “Sometimes Christians
make mistakes. Bad ones. But we have an Intercessor in heaven who defends us when the devil comes before the throne to accuse us of sin. That Intercessor loves Roger and has already forgiven him. I pray you will do the same. And if any of you want to know how to send him a letter or if you’d like to visit him, please see me or Callie after we’re done here. We’ll give you the information.”
I noticed several people nodding at Levi’s pronouncement. I was particularly surprised to see Matthew’s head bobbing up and down.
Levi cleared his throat again and looked my way. I gave him an encouraging smile, wishing I could make what was coming easier for him. But there was no way I could.
“Callie and I have invited you all here tonight because you are important in our lives. What I’m getting ready to tell you will be repeated in church this Sunday, but we felt we should tell you first, rather than letting you find out with everyone else.” He paused for a moment, struggling with his emotions. “After searching our hearts and praying fervently, Callie and I have decided . . .” He paused and took a deep breath. I could feel my heart beat so hard I wondered if others could hear it. “Callie and I have decided to leave Kingdom.”
Several gasps erupted around the room.
Lizzie’s was one of them. “Leave Kingdom?” she said. “I . . . I don’t understand.”
Levi shook his head. “Please understand that we love you all. It has nothing to do with you. Any of you. But for personal reasons, we feel we must make this decision. I’ve accepted the position of assistant pastor at a small church in Newton, Kansas. I’ll be living in an apartment at the church, and Callie will be living with the pastor and his wife until we’re married. The church has a small house we’ll move into after the wedding.”
“That doesn’t explain why you’re leaving,” Noah said.
It had been particularly hard for Levi to keep our plans from his brother, and I’d had an awful time not blurting out the truth to Lizzie. But in the end, we’d decided to wait and tell everyone at once.
“For me,” Levi said slowly, “it’s something that’s been building for a long time. I’ve had a growing desire to minister to people in a . . . a different way. Don’t misunderstand me, please. I love our church, and I love our traditions. Well, most of them. But I want to find out what else is out there. What it would be like to serve God with a little more freedom than we have now.”
“Are you saying you don’t agree with the tenets of our church?” Matthew asked.
“I agree with most of them, Matthew,” he said. “The problem is, I’m not sure in my heart I agree with all of them. Maybe after working in another environment for a while, I’ll decide we’re doing everything right. But I have to find out. My beliefs should be mine. Not formed because it’s the only thing I’ve ever been taught.” He looked at his mother. “Mom, you’ve brought me up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I love Him because of what you taught me and how you’ve lived. But you made the decision, along with Dad, to come here and live this life in Kingdom. I’ve never had the chance to make the same choice, and I want to do it now. I pray you’ll understand.”
Dottie nodded at him. “I do, Son. I will miss you, but I want you to be happy. You and Callie. Your stepfather and I believe you’re making the right decision.”
“My mother and Marvin knew about this before tonight,” Levi explained to the small crowd. “Marvin is the one who contacted his pastor friend in Newton about the pastoral position.”
“To be honest, I was afraid you were going to tell us that you weren’t getting married,” Leah said.
Levi smiled at her. “For a while, we weren’t sure about that either. But only briefly. Callie and I love each other very much. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together.”
“What about Callie?” Lizzie said. “Is she leaving just because you are?”
I stood up. “No, Lizzie. You know better than almost anyone that I’ve been living my life in the shadow of my father for a long time.” I shook my head. “Maybe that’s not fair. I guess it’s more accurate to say that I’ve been living in the shadows I created myself.” I smiled at her. “You’re the one who helped me to see the truth. You spent time out in the world, and you told me you’re glad you did because it made you who you are today. You chose Kingdom, and you’re at peace with that decision. But I’ve never chosen anything in my life. Except to marry Levi. Living in the world will help me figure out who I am and what I want out of life.” I smiled at Levi. “Right now, I only know for certain that I love God and I love Levi. With all my heart. I just need time to figure out what else I believe.”
“I hope the church you are joining is Mennonite,” Matthew said in a somber voice.
“Yes, it is,” Levi said. “But not as conservative as ours.”
Matthew scowled at him but didn’t say anything else.
“I know that you think I’m too liberal already in my beliefs, Brother Matthew,” Levi said with a quick grin. “I’m sure you’re not surprised by this announcement.”
Matthew silently studied Levi for a moment. “Pastor, you’re a good man. A very good man. I believe you will be a blessing at your new church, and I hope you will come back to see us when you can.”
Levi looked surprised, but he quickly recovered himself. “Why, thank you, Matthew. That means more to me than I can say.”
“My dear wife and daughter remind me frequently that I am not always right in my opinions. As much as it pains me, I know they are right. I hope you will forgive me if I made things difficult for you. Please understand that I still think you are too young to pastor this church. My belief is not based on your character or spiritual integrity.”
“Thank you, Brother Matthew. I appreciate that.”
“When will you leave?” Ebbie asked.
“After I announce my decision at church this Sunday. I know this doesn’t give you much time to find a replacement, but the elders can lead the services until you find a new pastor.”
“That’s so soon,” Lizzie said. “Can’t you wait awhile so we can get used to this? I’ll need to find a new helper.”
“I’m sorry, Lizzie,” I said. “I really am. But the church in Newton needs Levi to start next week.”
Lizzie sighed. “I don’t mean to sound negative, Callie. Honestly, I know you’re doing the right thing. I’m just going to miss you so much.”
Several people in the room mumbled their agreement.
“And we’ll miss all of you too,” I said, my voice breaking. “We couldn’t ask for better friends—or family. I’m particularly sad to be away from my mother after finding her again.”
“It’s all right,” Mother said with a tremulous smile. “I totally understand.” She shrugged. “I came to Kingdom to take you away. Now you’re going, and I’m staying. And not because I have to.”
“I don’t understand. You mean you’re staying here because you want to?”
She gave a short laugh. “I know you find some things in Kingdom restrictive. But if you only knew what this town was like when I lived here. It’s very different now. Full of kind and forgiving people. I love it here and intend to stay . . . if it’s all right with everyone.”
“Esther and I plan to spend lots of time together,” Ruth said with a smile. “We used to be good friends. Now we will be great friends. Ja, Esther?”
My mother nodded. “That’s right. Thank you, Ruth.”
“This is your home as long as you want it to be,” Noah said. “We’re all here for you.”
“Thank you, Noah,” Mother said. “But I have a question, Callie. What about your wedding? Will it be here or in Newton?”
“I honestly don’t know, but wherever it is, everyone in this room is invited.”
That seemed to satisfy Mother.
“Are you finished, or do you intend to drop any other bombshells on us?” Lizzie asked.
Levi and I looked at each other, and I shook my head.
“That seems to be it for now,” he told Lizzi
e.
“Then let’s break out some pie,” she said with a smile. “I can’t say I’m overjoyed with your decision, but I support it, so I think a little celebration is in order.”
As Lizzie stood up, conversation broke out. I said a few words to Levi and went back to the kitchen. Lizzie was taking pies out of the refrigerator and putting them into the oven.
“I’m here to help,” I said.
She nodded and handed me a cherry pie, which I slid into the warm oven.
“I’m sorry to surprise you tonight. I wanted to tell you from the beginning, but Levi and I decided it was best to do it this way, so no one’s feelings would be hurt.”
“I understand.” She put the pie down on the counter and came over to me. Then she put her arms around me. “I love you, Callie. Like my own sister. If this is what’s best for you, it’s what I want too.”
“You helped me see clearly for the first time in my life,” I said. “I don’t know what I would have done without your friendship. God used you to break the cloud of unreality from my life. I will never be able to repay you for that.”
“Seems I outsmarted myself,” Lizzie said. “I never realized I’d lose you. Maybe Noah and I will drive down to Newton for a visit after you get settled.”
“You’d better. It’s not that far. A little over three hours.”
She sighed dramatically. “I suppose we can make the sacrifice.”
I laughed. “Oh, thanks.” I grabbed her arm as she started to turn away. “I know you’ll find someone for my job. Maybe Ruby can help out until you do.”
“You know what? That’s a great idea. It will help her feel more like a part of the family. She can work with me as long as she gets her schoolwork done first.”