by Kim Cormack
He finished her sentence in his mind. To say goodbye. They don’t think she’s going to make it.
Matt said, “Am I allowed inside the room to see her?”
The nurse didn’t answer. She held open the door to Kayn’s room. Matt walked past her and made his way to the bed. He clasped a hand over his mouth. Tears began to cloud his vision as he stepped forward to reach out and touch his sister’s fingertip. Her hand was full of tape and needles and tubing. He couldn’t see her face for the bandages that made her head look twice as big. Her hair that he could see was matted with blood, and red seeped through the bandages. He wanted to check the birthmark. He couldn’t do that.
The monitor beeped slowly. With each beep a voice in his head whispered, you should have come home, Matthew. You could have saved us, Matthew. How could you let this happen to us, Matthew? His vision clouded with tears. I should have been there. I could’ve stopped this from happening. They would not be dead and my baby sister would not be dying. His heart was breaking with every beep of that machine. I let them all down. He began to sob. A river of overwhelming grief flowed down his cheeks. What did someone do to my baby sister?
He heard a noise behind him. Matt glanced up towards the door. They were here to take her away from him. They didn’t think she was going to live. He had to say something. He couldn’t let them take her without saying something. He pleaded, “Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me Kayn. You need to fight. Please don’t stop fighting. You have to come back to me. I’m going to be with you as soon as I can. Don’t leave me. You can’t …”
The nurse told him it was time to leave. He was being forced to leave her first. He closed his eyes, dropped to his knees, and began to pray. Take me instead. Don’t take her. Please I’ll do anything you want, I’ll be better. They were trying to gently make him stand up. I’m not done. Matt kept reaching back towards the bed as they tried to gently guide him away. Matt was blinded by tears. I can’t go. I can’t ask Kayn to have the strength to stay with me and then leave her first. He could taste the salt of his own tears in his mouth. He blinked his tears back so he could see his sister one last time.
Matt looked up, and there was not a dry eye among the staff. A kind looking nurse escorted him out of the room. She walked him over to stand up against the wall. Everything happened so quickly. Matt watched as the attendants moved his sister’s battered body past him on a gurney. They ran along side of her with tubes, bags and monitors. This was not goodbye. He had to believe this was not goodbye.
The nurse said, “I have faith that she is going to survive. If your faith is in short supply today, I have enough for both of us.” Matt fell into the stranger’s arms.
There was only a moment or two of peace before he saw Jenkins walking towards him. Matt was led down to the morgue to identify the bodies of his family.
They’d asked him if he was ready. How could you ever be ready for everyone you love to be murdered? They were murdered. It was something that happened to other people. To people in movies and television shows. In those shows, when they took a family member to identify the bodies, he’d always thought it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t, and it was happening to him right now. The elevator shut and it began to hum in its descent into Matt’s own personal version of hell. The elevator paused and the doors whooshed as they opened. He couldn’t help but notice how cold and sterile the basement looked as he stepped out of the elevator. The rest of the hospital had pictures on the walls and a very different feel. He turned to look at Jenkins’ face. He knew he had to do this. Jenkins had been his father’s best friend and it was Jenkins that accompanied him into hell. There were no large signs that had brightly colored arrows pointing the way. There was just a small plaque on the morgue’s door. Jenkins hesitated before shoving the door open. Matt knew he didn’t want to go into the room either. He greeted the man in the white coat inside by shaking his hand. Jenkins squeezed Matt’s shoulder to show his support as he led him the final few steps into hell.
The morgue tech opened a metal drawer and slid it all the way out to reveal a corpse covered in a white sheet. Matt watched as the man lifted the blanket to reveal his father. The act of raising the sheet was like ripping off a band aid. He’d never seen a dead body. His father’s mouth remained partially open. His Father looked hollow. Almost as hollow as Matthew felt. It was as though someone had taken everything he loved and lit it on fire. He had been sent to scoop up ashes in his hands. That’s all this was. He was scooping up the ashes. He was in shock.
His mind took him to a better memory of his father. They were sitting around a campfire and roasting wieners. He was about seven years old. He was trying to catch the ashes that floated through the air. He knew from that experience that you can’t hold onto something once it’s nothing but ash. It disintegrates with the slightest touch and floats away on the gentlest breeze. He recalled rubbing his hands together and the black soot that had stained his palms disappeared. It was magic to the seven-year-old Matt.
He knew different now. The adult version of Matt knew that ashes became nothing. This was what they were in the end, absolutely nothing. His heart felt like a solid mass in his chest. He stared at what was left of his Father. He had been the most hilarious, loving, example of what it was to be a Dad. He had not understood how lucky he’d been to have him in his life, until this moment. He’d never appreciated him like he should have. Someone had beaten him until they killed him, like he was nothing. He would never get to know that Matt had always wanted to be just like him. He would never get to say the words.
The tech asked, “Is there anything you want to say?
He understood that he needed to go through the motions. He hadn’t said anything aloud. He knew his father was gone. He felt the warmth of Jenkins’ hand on his shoulder again.
He whispered, “I should have come home this weekend. I just always do the wrong thing. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I’m so sorry I let you down. I was coming home on Saturday for Mom’s Birthday. Kayn is alive. I’m going to take care of her. I know I’ve never been the good person that you wanted me to be. I know I have what it takes to grow into that person someday because I was raised by you. I couldn't have asked for a better Father. I always knew you loved me. I hope you knew how much I loved you. I should’ve said the words to you more often.” Matt’s voice cracked with emotion and he struggled in a raw whisper to say, “I’m going to try to be a better man.”
Matt finished with his final goodbye and looked at Jenkins. The strong, silent man that had been his Father’s best friend was in tears.
Jenkins took a step closer to the table and spoke next, “I’m going to find the bastard that did this to your family. I’m going to keep Matt and Kayn safe. I miss you already …”
Matt watched as his father’s body was covered up and he was unceremoniously slid back into the drawer.
Matt looked at Jenkins and said, “Thank you for coming down here with me.”
Jenkins said, “You know I loved your father like a brother. I have known both of your parents since high school. They were there for me through my daughter’s death and the divorce. Your family has been my family for many years. I’m still here for you, Matt. I know that’s what your parents would’ve wanted. You need to know that whatever happens, I’m still here for you two kids.”
Matt hugged Jenkins, and understood that he was not alone. He also recognised that he was not a child anymore and could not go on pretending that he was. It was time to change. He would have to quit school and get a job so he could take care of Kayn.
Jenkins forewarned, “Your mother’s body is far worse than your father’s. You should be prepared for what you are about to see.”
The Tech pulled out the next drawer. Matt would’ve known this was his Mother’s body even if he had not been forewarned. She had always smelled of the same perfume. It was called Sunflowers. She had asked for the same fragrance at every birthday for as long as he could remember. He’d never been able to
smell that sweet fragrance in the air without his Mother’s smiling face crossing his mind. Now he would never smell it without her absence breaking his heart. A little bit of that scent still lingered around her, even now.
His Mother's name was Claire. She had curly brown shoulder length hair and a laugh that was infectious. She would laugh, and everyone around her couldn’t help but laugh, too. In his head, he could hear her laughter. He knew the sound of his mother’s laughter would follow him for the rest of his days. She was always happy. The Tech removed the sheet from his Mother. It was as though in one act he had ripped away the veil of his false reality.
Her lifeless eyes stared off into the distance. They looked empty. They stared past him, beyond him. Vacant, lifeless eyes. Her lips were parted. He caught himself wondering, if that was how the soul got out. Did a soul leave a body in that final breath, through slightly parted lips?
His Mother that had once been so full of life was also just a hollow shell. There was no animation in her face. There was nothing of her left in the room. Just a battered, violated shell that resembled her. He’d been left with nothing but a whisper in the air of who she had been. Nothing was left of her, but the scent that now tortured his nostrils. It made his heart ache with the knowledge that he would never feel the warmth of her embrace again. Matt touched his mother's icy skin, as he leaned over and kissed her forehead. She’s gone! She is really gone … He became lost in the flood of tears that thankfully blurred his vision.
He choked out a few words, “Mom … Mommy, I can’t believe someone could do this to you. I’m so sorry. I should have been home. I was still coming home for your Birthday. I didn’t forget.”
He touched her hair. He stared at his Mother’s lifeless body. She was the woman with the most beautiful laughter, and she had moved on. He prayed that she would never stop laughing, and when she smiled that it would always be with the same all-encompassing joy. Matthew Brighton crumbled and began to sob. He laid his head down on the half of the material that lay draped over his Mother’s chest. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent without looking at her. He wanted to hear her heart beating. He knew that wasn’t possible, and his heart shattered into a million pieces. He felt Jenkins’ hand on his shoulder. The warmth of someone that was alive. He stood up straight and moved out of the way so Jenkins could say goodbye.
Jenkins leaned forward and kissed his mother's cheek. He whispered, “I’m going to take care of them Claire. Be at peace and know that they are safe. I’m so sorry someone did this to you. I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to hurt you. You are the gentlest soul I have ever met.”
The tech covered up his Mother’s body and slid it back into the drawer. He looked at Matt and said, “Are you ready?”
Jenkins explained, “You saw Kayn. Chloe’s body is much worse. Maybe just take the sheet off quickly. It’s difficult to see, and it can’t be unseen.”
Matt glanced at Jenkins and tears were already streaming down his face. Matt knew he wasn't going to be able to take much more. He was teetering very close to the edge. He both needed to see what had happened to his sister and wanted to run out of the room. He wanted to remember her beauty in life, not the graphic violence of her brutal demise. Matt pictured Chloe finding a way to cheat death. She was so undeniably in charge of every situation. She was never taken by surprise. Chloe was perfection with a touch of longing. She had always longed for excitement and adoration. His sister had been so strong.
The sheet was lifted off of her body. His eyes flooded with tears, and he covered his mouth. He was going to be sick. What had someone done to his little sisters? He’d never even fathomed this degree of torture, not even in his worst nightmares. He had to know for sure. He looked behind her left ear and there was the birth mark.
He sunk to the cold cement floor and he choked, “its Chloe … Cover her. Please cover her up. I can’t do this anymore.” He covered his eyes with his hands and sat there rocking back and forth. He was a child sitting in the corner thinking about what he didn’t do. He had let them down and now they were all dead.
Matt could not take the horror of what his little sister’s last moment must have been like. She had been beaten so badly she was missing an eye. The part of her face around that eye had been crushed. The coroner hadn't had time to disguise the brutality of her death. Her throat had been slit. Who knew what horrors that blanket covered?
He thought about Kayn. Was she still alive and horrifically disfigured from the beating? Was Kayn also missing an eye? How could Kayn survive this savage a beating? Who would she be when she woke up? How could you ever be the same person? How was he ever going to be the same person after seeing it?
Matt sobbed as he rocked back and forth, “I should have come home. I could have changed this. I could have saved them all.” Matt’s heart began to race. He was finding it difficult to breathe.
Jenkins got down onto the floor beside him and said, “You would be dead too. If you had come home last night, you would have been dead too. That is all you would have changed. Your sister Kayn would have woken up into your nightmare. ”
Matt whispered, “You can’t know that.”
Jenkins pulled him against him and told him, “I think they were dead by late afternoon. By the time you were done with your classes and had driven home from Victoria, they would have been gone. You wouldn’t have been able to save anyone and you would probably be dead too. The killer hung around in the house until after dinner when Kayn came home. Your sister is a long distance runner and she couldn’t get away. She wasn’t in the house. She almost made it out of the trails. Whoever did this was determined to kill everyone in that house. Kayn is fighting for her life still. She only has someone to come home to because fate kept you away from that house last night.” The two sat in silence on the floor as the tech stood silently by the door.
Matt was thinking. He hadn’t gone to afternoon classes. He might have, if that incredibly hot girl hadn’t accosted him in the hall and practically thrown herself at him. He would’ve been home around the same time as Kayn, if his day had been normal. Maybe, he could have distracted the killer? They just sat there on the floor together for a long time.
Once Matt felt like he could leave, they left the morgue and rode back up to the lobby in the elevator in complete silence. Matthew came out of the elevator with Jenkins at his side. He made eye contact with Lillian Smith, Clay’s and Kevin’s mom. She opened her arms to receive him, and Matt walked straight into them.
She stroked his hair and said, “It’s Okay, I have you. You never have to see anything like that again.”
In the safety of her arms he crumbled into a childlike state, his chest heaving as he sobbed. She rocked him back and forth as she whispered soothing words. Matt listened to the pounding of her heart. How desperately he had wanted to hear that sound as he looked at his family. He tightened his eyes and tried to imagine that this heart beat was his own Mother’s. She squeezed him tightly. She held him safe in her embrace, until his tears were spent and all he had left were a few trembling sighs.
He whispered, “Why?” He needed to know this one thing. He wanted to run around the hospital and scream it at the top of his lungs.
“I don’t know, honey. We may never know,” she said softly as she rocked him back and forth in the lobby. He would never get to be held in his own mother’s arms ever again. He didn’t want to let her go.
Matt whispered, “Did you see what they did to my baby sisters?”
Clay’s father put his arm around Matt and said, “Son, you’re staying at our house. There’s going to be a lot to deal with, and we are going to help you.”
Matt noticed Kevin was missing, “Where did Kevin go?”
Clay said, “My brother is in a bed down the hall.”
Matt looked up, “He wasn’t at the house was he?”
Clay said, “No, he wasn’t. They just had to sedate him. He’s having a short mental vacation.”
Matt whispered, “That does so
und nice.”
Matt was feeling a bit light-headed. Lillian walked him over to the bench seat and left him with Clay and her husband. She disappeared and came back with a doctor.
He asked Matt to come with him for a few minutes. The doctor led him to a room and asked him to have a seat. Matt sat down in a chair. He asked him casually how he felt. Matt felt unusually hostile about the ignorance of that question.
He stood up and barked, “How in the hell do you think I feel. Someone just massacred my entire family. They are dead, and not just dead, they were violently murdered.” He sarcastically added, “No, I think I feel great. Maybe I should have a friggin’ party or something? A giant bloody celebration over the demise of everyone I love. How does that sound? I think it sounds friggin’ lovely. What in the hell is wrong with you?” He began to waver on his feet and he flopped back down into the chair.
His head was about to explode. He grabbed either side of his face. He sat for a second and then he said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. My head is killing me.”
The doctor pulled a machine to his side and said, “You don’t worry about that. You have just lived through what will probably be the worst day of your life. You also smell like you had too much to drink last night.” He disappeared and came back with an electrolyte drink. He handed it to Matt. “Here. This will be a good start. I’m just going to check your blood pressure.”
After a few tests Matt sheepishly followed the doctor back to Clay’s mother, Lillian. The Doctor began to speak to her and not to him.
He said, “Matthew has a few prescriptions that he may or may not need. Just in case he does it will be good to have them on hand.” He gave Matt a pat on the back. He spoke once again to Lillian, “I explained to young Matthew here that he needs to sleep properly. If he finds it difficult to sleep just give him a sleeping pill. He needs to know that it would be unwise to leave it more than one day in his emotional state. His sister is going to have a long road to recovery and he is going to need to be strong for her.” The Doctor gave Mrs. Smith a few pills in a bottle. “This is a light sedative. It should hold you till you can get the prescriptions filled.” He gave one to Matt and told him to place the pill under his tongue.