"I don't want it this way," I say.
"What way do you want it?" she asks.
I can't explain it. I don't want to get hurt again. But it's more that— "I don't want to hurt Lacey any more than I have to."
Ethan and Piper share a what the fuck look.
"That's how it always goes," I say.
Violet's eyes light up with realization. "It is, but it's worth it. Trust me, Mal. Even if Ethan and I had never gotten back together, it would have been worth all the pain of breaking up to have those three years with him."
"I don't like where this is going," Ethan teases.
"It's better that I have you." She turns back to him. "It's everything that I have you."
He slides his hand into her hair and pulls her into a tight embrace.
Piper looks to me. "I love you, Mal."
"I love you too," I say.
"But you're being an idiot and you need to get over yourself," she says.
"I do?" I ask.
She nods. "Don't you want to be happy?"
That's a hard question to answer. I thought so, but now… I don't know.
Everything is fucked.
Violet manages to untangle herself from Ethan for long enough to convince us to play cards.
It's difficult playing five hundred rummy sitting across from each other with only the tiny side tables available, but we manage.
We laugh and we joke and we keep the conversation away from anything remotely heavy.
For a while, it feels like everything is normal.
And I can see all that love flowing between Ethan and Violet.
And all that love flowing between Kit and Piper.
And I want that, even if I still can't wrap my head around being half of a whole.
We get lunch in the cafeteria, though no one really eats.
We play more cards.
We get tea and coffee, and we come back to the waiting room.
And everything is okay.
Until Mom's surgeon steps out of the double doors.
He pulls off his mask.
And he looks towards us.
And he shakes his head.
And I know.
She's gone.
He explains what happened, some complication, but I don't hear it.
I only hear one thing:
I'm sorry, but we lost your mother.
39
Lacey
The moment I see Incoming Call from Ethan Strong light up my cell screen, I know.
You don't call your brother's ex-not-even-a-girlfriend to say everything's okay.
I try to keep my voice even as I pick up the phone. "Hey."
Ethan is decidedly less steady. "Hey."
I stare back at my computer screen. It's not like I'm making progress working on the Dangerous Noise video. It hurts too much when so many of the frames are images of Mal.
I take a deep breath as I push up from my computer. "She didn't make it?"
"Yeah."
My heart sinks. My stomach gets heavy. Poor Mal.
The man dumped me and I'm still aching for him.
Maybe that's pathetic, but I don't care.
I love him and I hate that he's hurting.
"I'm sorry." I don't know Ethan all that well, but I do like him, and I hate that he's hurting too.
"Thanks." His voice softens. "I know Mal ended things. It sounded like a bunch of bullshit to me, so I can't imagine how it sounded to you."
I press my lips together. "It wasn't my favorite conversation."
"He's the most stubborn person I know. He's not going to see it on his own. And he'd fucking kill me if he knew I was calling to ask you this—"
"But?"
"He needs you."
"Are you sure he needs me?"
"Yeah."
"He asked me not to come."
"You want to be there?"
"Yeah, but…" I don't know how to finish the sentence. But everything.
"You believe he loves you?"
"I don't know." I want to, but then I don't. It's worse thinking that I can't have a Mal who loves me.
"I do. If it hurts too much, I get that. But if you want to come, come. I'll be here all day. If no one answers when you knock call me."
"Okay." I let my exhale get heavy. Ethan and Mal have a sibling mind-reading I've never seen before. I trust Ethan's judgment on this. Maybe. "I have to think about it."
"He'll figure it out, Lacey."
"I hope you're right."
40
Mal
It's a beautiful September night. The cool breeze takes the air from warm to temperate. The ocean is that deep, dark blue. It seems to stretch forever. It bleeds into the dark sky so seamlessly it's hard to tell where one stops and the other begins.
The stars are still shining.
The waves are still pounding the sand to dust.
By the looks of it, everything is normal.
But it's not.
It's been hours now. Maybe four. Or six. Or eight. Hell, it might be tomorrow for all I'm aware of time.
It still feels like a dream.
A nightmare, I guess.
How can the stars be shining?
How can the waves be crashing?
How can the world keep spinning?
It's not right.
I lean back on my elbows and stare at the sky. No clouds tonight. If anything, the stars are shining brighter than ever.
I let a heavy sigh fall off my lips.
The world still exists without Mom.
She's gone.
And our chance of ever being a family of five is gone.
The possibility of her ever being in my life is gone.
The possibility of her ever fucking caring is gone.
And my hope is gone with it.
That's what I wanted, but I can't exactly find cause to celebrate.
The wind is a soft rustle as it blows over the grass. It must be late. The beach is dead. There's no roar of traffic from Pacific Coast Highway.
It's quiet enough I can hear footsteps coming closer.
That must be Ethan. Though it doesn't sound like him.
He's been picking up my slack all day. He called everyone who needed to be called. He made all the funeral arrangements.
He even took my fucking cell and refused to give it back until I ate dinner.
I didn't eat.
Fuck knows where my phone is.
It's scary, letting him take over holding up the world. But it feels good accepting help.
Knowing I have backup.
Warm light floods the deck as the sliding glass door pulls open.
But that isn't Ethan standing in front of me.
It's Lacey.
She steps onto the deck and pulls the door closed. "Hey."
"Hey." I stare back into her brown eyes. They're filled with all that affection and understanding.
"I'm sorry about your mom."
"Me too."
She kneels next to me. The brush of her hand sends this tiny wave of heat to my limbs. It's the first thing I've felt since I got the news.
I need to get this out now, before I'm too greedy to do it. "I shouldn't ask you to stay."
"Don't be stupid. You need someone. I want to be here." Her voice is soft. Earnest. "Even if we're not together, and I know we're not, you're still my friend."
"I don't have a lot of friends."
"You do. You just don't let them help you."
Maybe. I stare back into her eyes. "You realize I'm not going to fuck you."
She smiles. "Don't make promises you can't keep."
A tiny laugh escapes my lips. For the first time since I got the news, I feel good. "You think you're that irresistible?"
She nods.
Another laugh escapes my lips. "Lacey, I…"
"Yeah?" She sinks to her knees and wraps her arms around me.
I don't know how to finish the sentence, so I pull her closer.
She nes
tles into my chest.
I'm not sure if I'm holding her or if she's holding me.
Either way, it feels right.
We watch the waves pound the sand.
Bit by bit, weight drops off my shoulders. I sink into Lacey's touch.
I bring my mouth to her ear. "Thank you."
"For?"
"For being here."
I don't fight it.
I let her hold me.
I let it hit me.
And I let myself fall apart in her arms.
41
Lacey
It's strange how good it feels, holding Mal as he sobs.
He's trusting me with something he's never trusted anyone with before.
He's trusting me to know he's vulnerable and not run away.
To share his hurt with me.
The responsibility of it fills me with this deep sense of satisfaction. Even if we aren't together, even if we'll never be together, it means the fucking world to me that Mal trusts me like this.
That I can bring him some comfort right now.
That I get to sleep in his bed, in his arms.
I wake up to the sun falling over the room.
To my body pressed against Mal's.
To my heart pounding against my chest, screaming I need all of him, all the time.
I want to stay. I want to offer him all the comfort I have to give him.
But I'm already more in love with him than I was yesterday.
I can't keep doing this.
Not if he's holding onto the whole we're not together thing.
I get back into my clothes, I brush my teeth in the bathroom, and I head downstairs.
Piper is in the kitchen in a tank top and sleep shorts fixing a cup of coffee with a ton of cream and even more sugar. Her blue eyes light up as she turns to me. "Green tea, right?"
"I should go."
"One cup," she bargains.
I nod an okay and she turns to fix it. She's not as careful as Mal. Or as devastated. But the grief is there in her posture. Her shoulders are slumped. Her breath is shallow. Her blue eyes—they're so much like Mal's, only a little lighter—are red.
She places my cup of tea on the counter. "Thanks for coming last night. I was worried about him."
I take a long sip. "Me too."
She taps her fingers against the counter as she tries not to stare at me. "So, um… you think he's okay?"
"No, but he'll get there." I reach for the honey.
"Let me." She grabs it—and a spoon—and hands them to me.
I stare into my tea as I stir. "Can I ask you something?"
"Go for it."
"Why is it you and Ethan are so much more okay with this?"
"Mal told you about our parents?"
"Yeah."
"Then you must know. I was twelve when they left. I have more memories of them being gone than here. I accepted that they didn't want a place in my life a long time ago. Ethan too. He went through a whole thing when they left—dropped out of high school, generally hated the world. He had to accept that it was over with them, that they really weren't our parents anymore, to come out the other hand."
"You've been crying."
She nods. "I fucking hate it. Mom leaves for most of my life then shows up like this… it's like she wanted to cause me pain as the last thing she did." She blinks back a tear. "But I know, deep down… I do realize it wasn't like that. Some part of her wanted to connect. Some part of her wanted her family around if she…"
I grab a tissue and hand it to Piper.
"Thanks." She wipes her eyes. "I thought I was indifferent to her, but I guess not."
"Mal never got over it?"
She nods.
"He still held onto that hope that she'd be in his life again."
"Yeah. And Dad too." Piper drops the tissue on the counter. "He's already making plans to go back to research, to finish her work."
"Is that what she would have wanted?"
"Probably."
"Mal… I don't know how much he told you, but I love him. And I want him to be happy. But I can't stay and fall more in love with him if he doesn't want me."
"He does."
"Tell him that."
Piper smiles. "I have. But he's an idiot. So…"
"No. He just… he doesn't realize how much love he has to give. Or how much love he can take." I stare into Piper's eyes. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but Mal worries you and Ethan don't need him anymore."
"He knows we do."
"Neither of you live here. You're both engaged. It's normal. You're growing up. But… let him know you still need him."
Her voice is a whisper. "Okay." She takes a long sip of her coffee. "He really is stupid, isn't he?"
"No. Just not good at asking for help."
Piper wipes away a tear. "Fuck, you're so perfect for him."
"Why?"
"That was the perfect thing to say."
"Just… being honest, I guess."
"Tell me I can convince you to stick around."
"He doesn't want to be with me."
"'Cause he's stupid. Don't you see how different he is with you around? Like he can finally relax. But he's… I don't know what's wrong with him, if he doesn't want to be happy or what, but… promise me something, Lacey."
"Maybe."
"Promise you won't give up on him."
My smile is more of an apology than anything else. "He knows how I feel."
"I thought we agreed he was stupid."
"I don't remember agreeing."
"Work with me here," she teases.
I take my last sip of tea. "I love Mal. I want to be with him. But he has to want that too."
She nods knowingly.
"Thanks for the tea. I should go."
"As long as you're going to a girlfriend's place to cry."
"My best friend is three thousand miles away. But…"
"No but. You need carbs and someone to listen to you bitch about him. And I love hearing about Mal's weaknesses."
"What if I want to talk about how much I'll miss him spanking me?"
Piper cringes that OMG, that's my brother cringe of hers. "I… I can live with that."
"Are you sure? He does know how to use that riding crop."
Her face goes white. "I… You're fucking with me?"
"Yeah, but he does."
She sticks out her tongue. "Pancakes can make any level of detail tolerable."
"Can they?"
"If they come with enough coffee. And they're chocolate chip." She motions to the stairs. "Please. I'll change then we'll walk over, then you don't ever have to deal with any Strong family shit if you don't want to."
"You have a deal."
Piper and I don't talk about Mal. Not really. I mention a few things here and there. Mostly I ask her about Kit. About her life. About what it's like to have all the important people in her life away for months at a time.
We stuff ourselves with pancakes and caffeinated beverages.
She hugs me goodbye when I leave.
As soon as I get home, I call Carrie.
And I tell her everything.
And she convinces me to get dinner with Adam. And we spend the entire meal bitching about how much breakups suck.
It feels like we're friends again.
I don't feel completely alone here.
But I don't feel whole the way I did with Mal either.
42
Mal
For days, I do nothing but shower, sleep, and watch TV.
Ethan still has my phone.
I don't fight him about it.
I don't fight at all.
I let my grief sink in a little bit at a time.
By day four—or maybe it's five—I'm tired of the stillness. I spend two hours at the gym. I run along the beach. I take off my fucking shoes and dip my toes in the Pacific.
This is as warm as it gets, but it's still freezing.
The smell of salt in the air still
makes me think of Lacey.
That makes it fucking hard to live three blocks from the beach.
But it's okay.
She still does something to me.
Something that feels a lot less terrifying with this grief fading.
Come lunch, Ethan is here. Not just Ethan but everyone— Piper and Kit, Violet, Dad, even Joel and Bella.
Everyone is on the couch downstairs, picking at snack platters on the coffee table.
Ethan smiles at me. "Good morning, sleeping beauty."
"I was up at six," I say.
He shrugs. "Likely story."
"He was." Piper tears a muffin in half. "He woke me up."
"Aww, poor baby," Kit teases.
"It was difficult," she says.
"You need me to kiss it better?" he offers.
She nods.
He leans in to plant a kiss on her lips.
They really are adorable.
Ethan whispers something to Violet then pulls her into his lap. He pats the now empty spot on the couch. "Come and sit."
"This feels like the start of an invitation to a threesome," I tease.
"We all know you're over threesomes." Joel's voice is as bouncy as ever. He nudges Bella. "Too bad, right, angel?"
She blushes but shakes her head. "It's good to see you, Mal. You look—"
"Bad," Joel says. "Pale. Sickly. You must be down to what, two-twenty?"
"About that. Any less and I won't be able to bench three-fifty." I'm not numb anymore. I can feel the buzz of teasing back with my friends. I can feel that maybe Dad will stick around hope in my gut. I'm not sure if I'm glad I'm still able to hope or pissed I haven't eradicated that particular parasite yet.
It's not as strong as it used to be.
I know it's not happening.
The thought of Dad being MIA for the next thirty years doesn't gut me the way it used to.
Violet offers me an earnest smile. "It feels like it's been a long time, doesn't it?"
"Has it? I'm not doing a good job keeping track of days," I admit.
"Years," Ethan teases. "Or maybe about four days."
I shoot Ethan a curious look. Is this a party or what?
"Informal get-together." Ethan slides his arms around Violet. "I figured it would be nice to get everyone together. Talk about life, about family, about Mom."
Dangerous Fling: A Rock Star Romance (Dangerous Noise Book 4) Page 28