Sorry, Danielle, love you, but I will not grind on anything but Luke from here on out. Non-negotiable.
So while the girls hypnotized the whole room with their hip swiveling, I danced alone next to them and kept my rear end to myself. DJ Dan, master of the mic that he was, clumsily segued from rubbing us the right way to Lonestar’s Amazed. Turning to head back to the table, I collided, mid-step, into Luke’s chest.
“Dance with me,” he said. I think I nodded, but I was too busy freaking out over how I was going to dance with him. I wasn’t sure if we were going to attempt the G-rated version, his hands on my waist and mine on his shoulders. Or the PG version, wrapping my arms around his neck and moving our bodies closer together. Then there was the scarier R-rated version the kids seemed to be so fond of that involved grinding and undulating. I really didn’t think I could pull that off. At least not sober.
I could feel the sense of panic flood my body. As if he knew what I was thinking, Luke grabbed my right hand and pulled it in close to his chest. I placed my left on his shoulder and felt the electric current in the air once again. As soon as we began to sway, I wrestled my hand from his grip and placed it on his shoulder. I slowly drew him closer as my arms met behind his neck. It suddenly didn’t feel very PG as he moved his hands from my waist and clasped them at the small of my back.
From this position, I couldn’t see Luke’s face anymore, but could feel the rough fabric of his tuxedo jacket against my cheek. I never liked this song. I wasn’t into sappy music or bands with names like Lonestar, but at that moment, they could have been playing Megan’s Macarena and it wouldn’t have been anything less than perfect.
I didn’t lift my head from his shoulder when the music ended. I didn’t want that feeling to go away, but Luke pulled back so I withdrew my arms from behind his neck, saddened that we’d lose that connection. But instead of releasing me from his grasp, he held me for a beat longer and stared into my eyes. I felt like I could be reduced to ashes under his gaze.
“You really do look beautiful tonight,” he whispered. “But the evening would be significantly better if I had you to myself.”
I was so used to snarky comebacks and comedic banter that I didn’t know how to deal with just being straight with him. The fire in his eyes was unsettling and honestly terrifying.
“I wish we were alone too,” I replied. He grabbed my hand, walking us back to the table with the others.
“Think we can sneak out later for a bit without anyone noticing?” he asked flashing that wicked smile.
“I think that can be arranged,” I replied because honestly he could have asked me to follow him anywhere and I would have.
Facing the table, I watched Nate hand Josh a twenty dollar bill. The look of satisfaction on Josh’s face and scowl on Nate’s was reminiscent of the exchange between Luke and Josh earlier.
“What’s that about?” I asked eyeing Josh’s hand suspiciously. His eyes grew wide for a moment before he seemed to settle down.
“He just owed me some money,” he replied. I knew Josh well. He wasn’t a good liar, and he was definitely lying now. Before I could investigate further, Megan cleared her throat.
“Nate has some exciting news,” she announced.
“Way to sound like his mom, Meg,” Danielle muttered. She narrowed her eyes before turning back to Nate.
“While I appreciate the fanfare, it’s hardly a big deal,” he added looking a little uncomfortable with the attention.
“It’s a huge deal, Nate,” she replied, leaning closer and rubbing his back. He smiled at her, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.
“My dad’s going with me to check out Notre Dame this weekend,” he announced. I had fortunately put my drink down because if I hadn’t, I would have choked. Nate never toured the campus. It was still a sore subject with him. You couldn’t even mention “fighting” and “Irish” in the same sentence without getting him upset.
“I told my dad that I paid the deposit to hold my spot. He’s keeping an open mind. I think he’s a little upset that I don’t want to go to his school, but I think he understands how much I want to be in South Bend,” he explained.
“Nate, man. That’s great news,” Luke replied.
“You were right,” he said to Luke. “It sucked having to tell him, but I’m glad I did. And what about you?” he asked enthusiastically. “Meg tells me you’re heading to Seattle on Sunday. It’s your cousin’s bar, right?”
“Second cousin,” he answered curtly. I noticed he was bouncing his knee, as well. I really didn’t feel like talking about Sunday either, but I didn’t leave for New York for another couple weeks. If Luke wanted to see me, I wouldn’t mind making the trip to Seattle to visit a few times before I left. It wasn’t something I particularly wanted to think about tonight, though.
“That’s a sweet deal, man,” Nate added. “And if the Tom-Cruise-in-Cocktail thing doesn’t work out, you can try Tom-Cruise-in-Risky-Business. You’ve got U-Dub right there,” he suggested. We all looked at him in disbelief.
“What?” he asked staring back at our gaping mouths.
“Are you seriously suggesting that Luke run a prostitution ring?” Danielle asked, clearly repulsed.
“What? No! I meant go back to school and study business or something. Didn’t he do some entrepreneurial shit? Jeesh.”
“Well, thanks for the advice, Nate,” Luke replied, trying to restrain his laughter. “I’ll keep it in mind.”
He leaned over to me, and I felt his lips and warm breath close to my ears.
“I have a small task to take care of,” he whispered, his eyes darting towards Danielle. “I’ll be back in a few. Tell them I needed a cigarette, okay? Oh, and don’t drink the punch.”
With that he disappeared into the crowd heading toward the front of the gym.
Don’t drink the punch? Oh God. What did he do?
I anxiously scanned the room, checking for anything abnormal. I was about to chalk it up to Luke acting dramatic when I saw Mrs. Jacob and Mr. Gilbert…dancing…the R-rated way. Then, Sarah Spellman hopped up on one of the tables and began dropping it like it was hot. And this was before we even knew that was what it was called. Tyler Burroughs had just yanked off his bowtie and was swinging it around over his head, air spanking, hooting and hollering. I needed eyeball bleach. STAT.
And that skank Val was sitting on some older guy’s lap, grinding and leaning her back against his chest.
Someone should get singles to stuff in her cleavage.
“Jesus Christ!” I exclaimed. “This prom is turning into Sodom and Gomorrah.”
“Oh my God!” Danielle cried. “What the hell is going on?!”
“And what the hell is Val doing?” Josh asked.
“Stop looking at her, Josh. You might catch something,” Danielle replied cupping her hand over his eyes. “I can’t believe this is happening. They’re all wasted.”
We watched in horror as Karen Larson staggered up onto the stage.
“Hey, Class of 1999,” she squealed into the mic, adding a drunk girl “woo” to punctuate her enthusiasm. “So, I’m supposed to announce your Prom King and Queen, but I thought I’d take the opportunity to tell each and every one of you just how important you have been to me. And I would like to share this with you…via song.”
Karen bowed her head dramatically and then like a gift from the Gods of Comedy, she began to sing.
Shania Twain.
From This Moment.
And I died.
When she wrapped up, she punctuated her outpouring of affection with yet another “woo” before grabbing the envelope from the DJ.
Luke slid into the seat next to me slightly out of breath.
“Yeah. Definitely don’t drink the fruit punch,” he whispered across the table to everyone.
“You did this?!” Danielle exclaimed, motioning around the room. “I can’t believe you, Luke!”
“I was just giving you the perfect prom experience, Danielle. You said
I shouldn’t forgo a rite of passage. Spiking the punch is one of those things,” he explained, smirking.
Danielle’s murderous glare was interrupted by the commotion caused by Karen’s near tumble off the stage.
“Whoops! The nominees for Prom King and Queen were Kimberly Rock and Paul Martin; Gina Walters and Scott Montgomery; Sarah Spellman and Tyler Burroughs and Karen Larson and Erik McDougall.” She gave a “woo” and a pump of the fist when she read her own name.
“And the winning couple is…” she began as she tore open the envelope. “Danielle Powers and Josh Fletcher?”
Her confounded expression was dwarfed by Danielle’s deafening screech. She hopped up, jumping and clapping, knocking her chair over.
“And that is how it’s done,” he said into my ear.
“No way!” I whispered incredulously.
“Well, if I’m going to go to the prom, I’m making this the best made-for-TV movie possible,” he explained. “And in the movie, the cool guy always stuffs the ballot box.”
“You are unbelievable,” I replied, shaking my head.
“Why don’t we sneak out while the Prom Queen is otherwise engaged?” he suggested, motioning to the stage where Danielle was clutching her scepter and Josh was replacing his top hat with a crown.
Grabbing my hand, he pulled me out the side door into the cool night air. I didn’t know where we were headed until he began walking a route that had become very familiar. When we reached the back of the gym, it was so dark that I couldn’t see the milk crates or the discarded cigarette butts littering the ground. It didn’t even look like the same place, but maybe it was because we were so different now.
“You certainly know how to woo a girl, Luke. Taking your date behind the gymnasium on prom night.”
“Is that an invitation, Cross?” he asked smirking again.
“Settle down, Romeo, I’d like to have a respectable evening.”
“I think I’ve behaved rather well considering what I’d rather be doing,” he added as he backed me up against the brick wall. “Now this seems strangely familiar, like I’ve done this before.
“So tell me,” he asked, trapping me inside his arms, “How do you feel about going to graduation on the back of a bike?”
“I think I feel really good about that,” I replied softly.
He leaned forward, threading both hands into the hair at my neck and kissed me, strongly, soundly. I ran my hands slowly up his arms, across his shoulders and finally into his delicious groan-inducing hair. He groaned into my mouth as I twisted the unruly waves around my fingers.
“You feel it too, right?” he whispered breathlessly against my lips. “It’s not just me.”
I couldn’t say for sure what he was talking about because I felt so much when I was with him. I felt teenage nerves when I was about to see him and very adult passion when he touched me. I felt a connection I’d never felt with anyone…ever. But at that moment, I just feared his move to Seattle on Sunday.
“I don’t want to lose this,” I replied honestly.
I heard the muffled intro to I Still Believe begin to play inside the gym.
“We should probably go inside,” I said, making no attempt to move.
“We should,” he agreed, not moving either. “But I don’t want to.”
“But we should,” I reiterated unconvincingly. “It’s the prom song. We should dance to it, right?”
“We can dance here,” he replied, grabbing me by the hands, placing them around his shoulders and wrapping his arms around my waist. I sighed, reveling in the feeling of his body pressed against mine. I craned my neck up towards his face and the intensity in his eyes nearly made my knees buckle. Our lips were pressed together once again, moving against and along each other. With a tilt of his head, he deepened the kiss, soft, slow and sensual. I felt myself getting lost in him—in what we had become.
“You ruined all my plans, you know?” he said, laughing wistfully. I didn’t really know what he meant, and I hoped he was planning to elaborate. “If you told me three weeks ago…I mean that first day you basically told me to screw,” he paused, not really making much sense. His brow wrinkled as if he was battling with what he wanted to say.
“I know this is crazy but I don’t care that this thing between us has only been going on for a few weeks. I don’t. I know what I want,” he said softly. “And I only want you.”
I had spent the last ten years searching in vain for a man that had an ounce of the passion that Luke already possessed at eighteen. I knew that being with him was risky, but there really wasn’t any turning back now. How could I ever return to my old life when I knew I could feel this way?
“I never knew it could be like this,” I replied, aware that he couldn’t possibly have any idea what I actually meant. I wished that I could explain that I had given up on the idea of finding love. I never thought it was in the cards for me. Before I could think straight, he kissed me again, frantic and passionate, solidifying for me exactly how intense our connection was.
“I wish we had more time,” I choked out breathlessly.
“I wanted to talk to you about that,” he began, pulling back slightly so that he could look into my eyes. “I’m…I’m not going to Seattle.”
“Excuse me?” I asked, immediately feeling the heat in my face.
I must have heard him wrong.
“I can’t go,” he continued, shaking his head. “Not now.”
He was staying.
“But what about Jonas?”
“I’m calling Jonas,” he replied, coolly. “I’m telling him I’m going to New York. With you.”
“With me? You’re going with me?” I exclaimed.
“There has to be a million bars near NYU. I’m sure I won’t have any problem finding something for the time being.”
I felt sick. Seeing the wrong color balloon arch at the prom was a little scary. Nate talking about going to Notre Dame made me extremely nervous. But Luke giving up the opportunity to own Jonas’s bar was just plain lunacy. I felt dizzy as my mind played over and over the possible scenarios. In each one, I saw Luke working at someone else’s bar for minimum wage instead of owning his own. I couldn’t let him do that.
“I see that look on your face and I understand why you’re freaking out, but Jillian, there are people who spend their whole lives looking for what we have. I’m not throwing that away. I couldn’t live with myself.”
“What if you enrolled in NYU with me?” I offered, trying desperately to fix this.
“Listen, don’t worry about it, really. It’s going to be fine. I’m going to start making some calls tomorrow to find a job. I don’t want you worrying. We’re going to be great,” he said, rubbing the pad of his thumb along my cheekbone.
At that moment, I knew what I needed to do. Luke would already have been packed for Seattle if I hadn’t come into his life. He’d go on to buy Jonas’s bar and live the kind of life that makes your smile reach your eyes. The kindest, smartest thing I could do now would be to leave before I screwed up his future even more than I already had, no matter how wonderful being with him might make my own. If I left, he’d go to Seattle, he’d buy the bar, he’d smile that smile. I loved him too much to steal that from him.
While I’d like to think he’d still be happy in the future if we stayed together, we’d be gambling with a future he wasn’t even aware existed. At least I knew he was happy in the future without me. I wanted so much to stay. There was just no way I could be sure that things would end well for Luke if I did. I didn’t have a lot of time to think about alternatives. Maybe if I did, I could think of a better plan, one that wouldn’t break my heart into a million pieces.
“Let’s talk about this later,” I began, my voice slightly quivering. “We should get back inside.”
He knew I was holding back, but he didn’t push me. I knew he wouldn’t give up, either. He was leaving me no choice.
When we reentered the gym, I excused myself and headed straight
for the punch bowl. Grabbing the ladle, I poured a generous amount into my cup and downed the fruity red liquid in one quick gulp. My throat burned and I was glad.
“Jillian!” I spun around and saw Suzanne racing towards me. “Don’t drink that! Someone spiked it.”
I refilled the cup, raised it high to toast my train wreck of a life and drained it again.
“It’s my lucky night, then,” I replied, feeling the dull, woozy feeling settle in.
“Jillian, what’s going on with you? Is it Luke?” she asked, her tone full of sympathy and concern.
“I screwed up, Suze. I. Screwed. Up. And now there are pictures without heads everywhere,” I railed. “I just love him too much.”
“God, Jillian, why don’t I get you a seat,” she offered nervously.
“I’m fine, Suze. I’m fine. You’re a good friend. You send me virtual drinks,” I muttered before stumbling back to the table on shaky legs.
“Jesus Christ, Jillian!” Megan exclaimed as I collapsed into my seat.
“What the hell did you do?” Luke exclaimed, rushing over to me.
“What I had to,” I answered, my own voice sounding funny in my head. “I don’t want to.”
“It’s almost eleven o’clock, guys. We should get her back to Danielle’s house before this gets ugly,” Josh suggested.
“Oh Joshy,” I mused, “how many times over the years have you come to my rescue?”
“Jesus. I’ll go find the driver,” Danielle announced as Luke and Nate held me up on either side.
I embraced the cool air on my skin. I felt like I was burning up inside. They settled me into the limo as the world began to spin. I searched for Luke’s face. It was distant and distorted.
“I’m sorry,” I choked out and then let the darkness in.
CHAPTER 16
Jillian
I could practically feel the rain battering the roof of my car. This was an angry rain.
As I drove frantically through the busy streets, the harsh lights of the city reflected off the giant puddles that the surprise storm had created on the pavement. I focused on the clock on my dashboard and nervously laid on the horn.
Living Backwards Page 22