I walked into the bathroom and started to wash my face when Kathy walked in and started to remove her clothes to take a shower. I quickly dried my face and left, taking my moisturizer with me because I didn’t want to be there while she showered. I entered the bedroom and noticed that Rita did an amazing job of putting the place back together, except the blinds that needed to be repaired or replaced. The sheets were changed and everything was sparkling clean. I looked at my swollen eyes and lips and the sadness on my face was frightening. I had never seen me look like this before or after meeting Kathy.
My eyes went to my belly where our baby grew, and this was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives where we would bask in the wonderful feeling of watching our baby develop together. Kathy loved kissing her and singing songs to her. That would be greatly affected as we go through this period in our marriage. I didn’t want to rob her of the experience, but unfortunately, her baby was inside my body and I did not want her touching me right now.
I went into the closet and removed my dress because the blood from Kathy’s hand was on it. Just then I remembered that her hand was cut and she might not be able to wash herself. I wanted to leave her to sort it out, but my heart felt sorry for her and would not allow me to leave her on her own. I got dressed and went into the bathroom to see her sitting on the shower floor crying. I opened the door.
“Are you able to wash yourself? Does your hand hurt?” I asked as I took it to inspect the slash in her palm.
“I can’t,” she said and I entered the shower with my clothes still on.
I got shampoo and conditioner and washed her hair, then washed her body. I hurried over the parts that usually got us turned on so much that we would end up having sex, but this time, I did not have that reaction as I focused only on getting her clean. I had to wash between her legs and that was the hardest thing for me to do without reacting. I was unsuccessful. The moment my fingers touched her, between my legs responded. Kathy stiffened as well and it told me she was feeling the same thing too, but I focused on the task of getting her clean and out of the shower. I dried her body and her hair then led her into the bedroom and got her dressed. I brushed her hair and moisturized her face and she looked a whole lot better.
I glanced at her in the mirror, and our eyes met but she quickly looked away and my heart was bleeding. This was not us. We were so happy and loved looking at each other, but now...I didn’t even know what we were.
“Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to see to your dinner.”
“Wait. Let me take care of your hand.”
I went into the medicine cabinet and brought out antiseptic, antibacterial cream, and a bandage. I cleaned the wound with the antiseptic and she grimaced in pain.
“It’s OK,” I said and blew on it to ease the sting.
I applied the cream and placed the bandage, then she left to get dinner ready for me. I sat at the table on the terrace as I waited for Rita to bring my meal, and I felt so lonely. I had become so spoilt because Kathy made me the center of her world and it was beautiful, but I could not get past what she had done to even think of a way to mend this broken relationship.
Rita brought my dinner and set it up beautifully on the table. As I started to eat, I had to push back the tears because I had never had dinner alone since I moved in with Kathy. I missed her and this was only day one. I had no idea what would happen, but I knew I was not prepared to look the other way and welcome her back in my arms. I was expecting Kathy to come to see how dinner was going, but she never came. I did not leave my room for the rest of the evening and I wondered if she was coming to bed or to try to say goodnight to Lizzie. I brushed my teeth and got under the covers, and I was so depressed and heartbroken that I was there alone. How could she have done this to us?
Just as I was about to fall asleep from exhaustion, I heard the bedroom door open. I sat up and Kathy hesitated then walked over to her drawers to get pajamas. I looked at her as she changed, not wanting to take my eyes off her as she moved. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and freshen up then reentered the bedroom. She was not sure what to do so she stood looking at me.
“May I come in?” she asked softly.
I thought about it, and as much as I missed her body lying beside me, I knew I would not be able to sleep if she was in bed with me.
“I’m sorry. I think you should sleep in one of the guest rooms,” I said and her lips parted as she released her breath.
“I won’t touch you. I’ll sleep at the far corner…,” she said and stopped when her throat tightened.
“I’m sorry,” was all I said and she closed her eyes.
Kathy opened them then walked closer to me.
“Can I say goodnight to Lizzie? I always do...every night.”
“I can’t...I’m sorry, Kat,” I said and tears ran from my eyes, joining hers.
She placed something on my night table then slowly walked out of the room. After she left, I looked to see what it was, and a smile came over my face when I saw that it was my wedding ring. She had gone in search of it inside the car and found it. I picked it up and brought it to my lips, gave it a kiss and placed it back on the table. There was a fight going on between my heart and my head where my heart was desperate to have her, but my head wanted me to make the best decision for myself and my baby. So far, my head is winning and that is not good news for Kathy...or my heart.
+++
For the past five weeks, breakfast lunch and dinner became a one-man show, and Kathy had gone into isolation. I had taken her things from our bedroom and brought them to the guest room she occupied across the hallway. I still loved her and the time had come long ago for us to sit and talk about a way forward. She missed being able to spend time with Lizzie as my belly got bigger and bigger, and I noticed her looking at it whenever we happened to be in the same room together. It was a really sad situation, and she had been punished long enough, but I was unable to break that barrier that I had put up between us.
I found myself thinking about all that happened and I still felt like justice was not served as a result of my failure, but as time passed, it became less meaningful to me because I loved Kathy and was willing to live with what I did in order to make us happy. If only I knew how to make things right. Kathy had tried so many times, but I rejected every attempt she made that she had basically given up and locked herself in her room. Sometimes I would check on her, and I would see her reading a book. She had gone through a lot of them and they were all about babies and parenting. Sometimes I would find her in the nursery just rearranging and fixing everything she already rearranged and fixed.
Kathy had gone to every doctor’s visit with me, and the doctor could tell that there were tensions because things were not the same as the first few months, and my ring was sitting at the same spot on my night table. Things were bad, but there were some good, like the fact that I decided not to report her to the police, and I had not moved out of the house. Kathy might think that I was no longer attracted to her or that I was falling out of love for her, but that was not the case. I had been resorting to masturbation at night and it was all about her. My heart raced whenever I got a glimpse of her and I longed to hold her in my arms, but I felt like there were still trust issues that we needed to overcome.
I didn’t want to go through this pregnancy alone, and I knew I was the one making myself suffer, but didn’t know how to bring her in. As I laid in bed thinking about a fix, like I did so many times before, my bedroom door flew open and Kathy stormed in with fire in her eyes.
“That’s it! We cannot live like this, River! How long are you going to continue to punish me?” she asked then continued because she was not really waiting for an answer. “So much time is being wasted and I’m missing out on valuable time with my baby...time that you won’t be able to give back to me!”
“I know,” I said sitting up. “I don’t want this…but I don’t know what to do. Everything is a mess.”
“Everything is a mes
s because I fucked up, but I fucked up before you came into my life. I have loved you and taken care of your every need, and I know you are disappointed and hurt, but you love me, right? Do you still love me?”
“Of course I do, Kat,” I replied.
“Then put your fucking ring back on your finger and let us put it all behind us!”
“But things will not be the same…”
“Of course it will not be the same! Not yet,” she said. “That’s what your problem is, River. You want things to be exactly the way they were before, and you would rather have nothing than to have most of it. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you, but you have to forgive me and give me the chance. How can things be better with me being shut out? You are seven months pregnant and I can’t even be with you to celebrate...and kiss her because you won’t let me touch you. You know this is killing me, but you won’t stop until you see blood! I love you, and I’m moving back to our room. I’m going to sleep with you in my arms, and I want to feel my baby move! That’s what’s going to happen...you have to fucking love me...and…,” she said and her battle armor fell to pieces around her. “...and save me like you did before...I need my family back, Riv,” she cried and was on her knees on the floor.
I came off the bed and kneeled before her. I pulled her into my arms and she rested her head on my shoulder as the tears flowed.
“Please save me, Riv. I’m lost...and broken. I’m sorry for all that I have done to you and to Mrs. Livingston...I’m so sorry,” she cried.
“I know you are, baby,” I said as the tears ran down my face. I could feel how much she was suffering. I was disappointed in my inability to get past it and not let her suffer so much and for so long. “I’m sorry too, honey. I should have fixed this long ago. I missed you...we missed you.”
I held up her face and looked into her desperate eyes, and I felt like I also failed her because she was my wife and my responsibility. It was my job to protect her as well. She did wrong. She made mistakes. And I had all right to be upset about what she did, but it didn’t require this amount of punishment for her to learn her lesson.
“I love you, Kat, and I forgive you. It will take some time to…”
“I understand...and I’m willing to follow your lead. I just want us to stay on the path of rebuilding our relationship, our family…”
“Speaking of family. Are you planning on forgiving your father?” I asked and her expression changed.
“No.”
“If I forgive you, you have to be willing to do the same for someone else.”
“He cheated on my mom and that’s why we are in this mess. So many people have been hurt because of what he did.”
“I know, but he is your dad. The same way you are my wife,” I said softly and caressed her hair that had seen better days. “We can’t treat the people we love the same way we would strangers. You don’t have to talk to him about it, just put it all behind and move on. I’m sure he learned his lesson too.”
“What about your family.”
“Hell no!”
“It goes both ways, babe,” she said gently.
“Fine. We will revisit that topic after the baby is born and you make things right with your dad, then we will turn our attention to my family,” I said with a smile.
“I have missed your smile,” she said and the tears spilled.
“Shhh. No more tears,” I said then took her hands. “Look who missed you.”
I placed Kathy’s hands on my belly and Lizzie went wild. Kathy started laughing and I wiped her tears away.
“I missed you, Lizzie,” she said and kissed my belly.
I held her head and relived the familiar feeling of joy whenever she spoke to our baby in such a sweet, gentle voice.
“I want to sing to her,” she said and helped me up to get on the bed. “But first, this.”
Kathy took the ring that was sitting on my bedside table for weeks and slipped it onto my finger. She brought it to her lips, and I smiled with happiness. We got me onto the bed and Kathy laid beside my belly. She hugged it and sang Lizzie’s favorite songs that she had been hearing since conception. Each time she moved, Kathy would laugh and it was the most beautiful sound. I knew we had a lot to work out, but this was an amazing start. I was happy that she burst into our room, acting all tough, and demanding that I be her wife again, before falling to mush on the floor. I shook my head and smiled at the memory. Kathy was back in our bed, and I looked forward to a night without my dreams scaring me from my sleep.
“Hey, babe. A letter came for you today,” she said, looking up from her singing.
“What letter?”
“An important letter from the clerk’s office.”
“Did you open it? What’s it for?”
“For jury duty.”
“What the fuck!”
“Just kidding,” she smiled, and I pushed her away.
“Not funny!” I said, laughing at her silly joke.
Our laughter filled the room. It was the most beautiful sound, and it brought light to my world that had gone grey. We would be OK. I could not wait for Lizzie to come into our world and bring us to the apex of our happiness. Of all the love we had experienced with each other, it would be nothing compared to the overwhelming love we would experience with our Lizzie.
We were brought into each other’s life in such a twisted manner, but who can dictate to fate how it joins two people who are perfect for each other? We were destined to spend the rest of our lives together, so the best thing we could do was embrace destiny and live happily ever after.
When I found out what Kathy did, I could have left. I should have left. But, I chose. I chose my marriage. I chose my family. I chose to spend the rest of my life with the woman I loved.
My heart won.
(Also see)
● Save Me
● Love on the Ground
● LOST
● Love is Not Enough
● To Love and Protect
● Breaking the Law
● The Interview
● Saving Diamond
● Stork
● Secrets
● Watching Her
● The Love Test
● A Home for Cassidy
● Annabelle
● Three Ways
● Trapped 1
● Trapped 2
● Trapped 3
● Trapped 4
● Trapped 5
● Trapped 6
● After the Divorce
● Racist Undone 1
● Racist Undone 2
● Squirt
● The Business Trip
● Not Allowed
● I will find you
● The Choice
● Straight...Until You (1-6)
● Trapped (The Whole Story)
● Straight...Until You (The Whole Story)
Thanks for reading.
The Juror Page 18