She set down the fork. “You won’t agree with what I’m about to say.”
“Say it anyway.” Ryan inhaled the scents of cilantro and candle wax, distinct smells that burned into his consciousness. There was no reticence in Carly’s expression now, only a quiet confidence.
She set down her fork, blotted her lips with the napkin, and met his stare with a strong one of her own. “I don’t take sex casually.”
The bones in his spine snapped into a rigid line. “That’s candid.”
“Like you said, we’re adults.” She sat straighter, her shoulders square and her chin firm. “I can handle frank talk if you can.”
“Go for it.”
“For two years I worked with teenage girls at Sparrow House. I saw a little bit of everything—teen pregnancy, abandonment issues, attachment disorders. Every one of the girls at Sparrow House was hurting. Every one of them had an empty place in her heart, one she tried to fill in ways that offered temporary relief but not long-term satisfaction.”
“So far, we agree.” He snagged another bite of his dinner.
“That part is a no-brainer,” she replied after swallowing another bite for herself. “The question is, what do we give them to fill that empty place in their hearts?”
“Are you asking my opinion?”
“Yes.”
“The obvious answer is that we give them a strong sense of self. We teach them to be smart and confident, to care for others and work for what they want. I’m trying to do that for Kyle and Eric. And Penny, too.”
“Yes, you are.” She sounded amenable enough, but Ryan sensed a trap. “And how are you doing that?”
“By being their father.”
“Exactly. But the girls I counseled at Sparrow House didn’t have fathers. Some of them were victims of tragedy, orphans with no family at all. A couple of the girls ran away from horrible abuse, wisely in my opinion. And the last one—” Carly inhaled sharply. “That’s a story for another time.”
Ryan wondered again about that raw nerve. He had assumed a man broke her heart, but maybe it had been someone else, maybe that mystery client at Sparrow House.
Carly took another bite, chewed thoughtfully, and swallowed. “This is just my opinion, but I think our social troubles come down to the breakdown of the family. Without love and at least some stability, children suffer. If they’re lucky, they find a caring adult, maybe a teacher or a neighbor, someone who’ll shield them a little, teach them, and help them to make safe choices.”
“You were that person.”
“I tried, but—” She clenched her jaw so hard that it shook. “Leave me out of it. Okay?”
“All right.” But he’d learned something important. Carly had a secret, and it was festering the way Ryan’s failings had festered into a disaster for his family.
She picked up where she left off. “If a girl doesn’t find that adult, or if the adult fails her, she turns to her friends, television, music, social media. You’ve seen the messages she gets.”
Ryan considered the magazine covers that were all about being sexy, music videos that bordered on pornographic, and news stories about teenagers “sexting.” As much as he believed in an individual’s right to set his or her own moral compass, how did a teenager set that compass without a sense of morality? “It gets messy, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, very.” Carly dabbed at her lips with the napkin. “And it gets even messier when a girl is told to define herself through the eyes of others, particularly men. She’s told she has to be beautiful and sexy to be loved.”
“That’s just wrong.”
“It’s also a reality.” She took a sip of her Pepsi. “When a girl matures, nature kicks in. She becomes sexually aware, and she’s told sex can be whatever she wants it to be—casual or special, fun or forever. But that’s not true. It takes a two-way commitment for a relationship to be special and forever.”
Ryan agreed in one sense but not another. “Forever is a long time. Not every relationship needs to last that long to have meaning.”
“Maybe for some people,” she said diplomatically. “But memories are forever, both good and bad. At Sparrow House I worked with a pregnant sixteen-year-old choosing between adoption and keeping a baby she couldn’t support. She chose adoption. She’ll heal from the experience, but she won’t ever forget her son’s birthday, the name she wanted to give him, or the one time she kissed his face.”
Ryan felt a pang. Who wouldn’t? But logic trumped emotion in his world, and he enjoyed a good debate. He also liked to win, and Carly was running circles around him and eating her meal at the same time.
“There’s more.” Excited now, she swallowed fast. “Everyone agrees teenage girls are vulnerable, but what about older women? What about the woman who doesn’t want marriage and kids in her twenties but changes her mind in her thirties?”
“Women like Denise.”
“Exactly.” Carly set down the fork. “She had a great career and saw the world. She’s never said anything, but I assume she had a few relationships.”
“Yes.” Ryan knew the details through Jenna. “She dated an attorney for ten years, but they never married. Back then, she didn’t want kids.”
“But now she wants Penny.” Carly’s voice softened, maybe with her own longing for children. “I have to wonder if Denise feels a little cheated by life. She had a great career, and it fulfilled her in important ways, but a job won’t love you.”
He agreed but only in part. “It’s a little old-fashioned to say women have to be married and have kids to be happy.”
“I’m not saying that at all. But I do think human beings have a hole in their hearts that’s meant to be filled by God and other people.”
He ignored the “God” part. She had faith. So what? It made her a nice person. It shaped her the way being Japanese or Hispanic shaped other people. It was a matter of culture. A Kentucky culture, unsophisticated but genuine. “So no man—or woman—is an island.”
An earnest glow beamed from her eyes. “To paraphrase John Donne, a poet and a clergyman, yes.”
Ryan saw a hole in her argument. “If no man’s an island, what’s wrong with two people connecting in a way that meets their needs, whether it’s long-term or short-term?”
She opened her mouth, closed it again, then studied him with the saddest expression he’d ever seen on her face. “I don’t mean to be callous here, or harsh. But I think you know the answer.”
She meant Penny, the devastation to Heather and the boys, the guilt he wore like a hair shirt. As much as Ryan wanted to argue with her, his own life testified against him. They both knew it, but he felt compelled to fight for his convictions. “You said earlier that we all make choices.”
“I believe that.”
“So if two people want the same thing and are willing to be responsible for the risks, what’s wrong with that?”
“A one-night stand?”
Her gentle tone unnerved him. He felt judged, even condemned, but he couldn’t accuse Carly of casting stones. The pressure welled from some place deep and internal. He blinked and recalled his mother’s reaction to the divorce. She’d hugged him and told him to forgive himself and start over. “You’re human, Ryan. I pray for you every day.” A peculiar yearning to embrace that mysterious deliverance tugged at him, but he forced it back with a sneer aimed at Carly. “You’re being unrealistic. What’s wrong with adults doing what adults do? It’s just nature. Sex is part of life.”
“Of course it is.” She held his gaze without blushing. “God created it, and I hear He did a bang-up job of it.”
Like honey dripping from a wooden spoon, the implication of what she admitted sank into Ryan’s mind. I hear . . . Carly was a virgin. He knew she was a Christian, but the depth of her commitment—and innocence—stunned him. He didn’t know anyone who had resisted the temptation to have sex before marriage, not a soul, and he didn’t know what to think now, except she was the strongest woman he’d ever met.
/> And the most beautiful.
And the kindest.
And so much more.
The man who earned her love would be the luckiest fellow on earth, a thought that filled him with jealousy in one breath, hope in the next, and a love so strong he barely kept from telling her how deeply he cared about her. She deserved a man like herself, not someone with Ryan’s lousy track record and semicynical attitude.
Had she meant to reveal her innocence? Apparently not, because her cheeks looked sunburned. The blush implied more than embarrassment over a sensitive subject. It revealed awareness of him as a man, awareness of the attraction simmering between them. Denise wasn’t nearly as off base as Carly wanted him to believe. She had feelings for him, the same kind he had for her.
Back off, he told himself. But this was Carly, and he cared about her. He worried about her, too. The world was a big bad place, especially for Little Red Riding Hood with her tender heart. A long time ago, Ryan had been the Big Bad Wolf. He’d never repeat that mistake, but what did he do with this attraction to Carly? Unsure and annoyed by his weakness, he finished the meal in silence. So did Carly, until she set down her fork.
The blush had faded, and in its place he saw a quiet determination. “So that’s my opinion,” she said with dignity. “And my choice.”
“Yes,” he agreed. “It is.”
A busboy took their plates. Ryan settled the bill, and they headed to the car with the awkwardness sharp until Carly mentioned the weather. Ryan agreed it was a tad bit chilly. The atmosphere between them was chilly, too. He supposed it needed to stay that way, but he didn’t like that choice at all.
Penny hated the airplanes at Aunt DeeDee’s house, but she loved Aunt DeeDee because they talked about Penny’s mother. Aunt DeeDee had the same pretty voice. Best of all, tonight she’d made Penny’s favorite kind of soup for dinner, the one her mother made with chicken and lots of noodles.
They were eating now, and Penny was happy—except for the noisy airplanes. When a big one zoomed by, she dropped her spoon and covered her ears the way Carly told her. Carly said it gave her control. Penny wasn’t quite sure what control was, but Carly helped her all the time, and Penny trusted her.
Aunt DeeDee set down her spoon and said something.
Penny couldn’t hear, because her hands were on her ears. When the airplane was gone, she lowered her hands.
“You’ll get used to it, honey.” Aunt DeeDee patted Penny’s arm. “You know what it sounds like to me?”
Penny shook her head.
“A cat purring. A great big cat,” Aunt DeeDee said in her fun voice. “Maybe we should get a kitten. Would you like that?”
Penny forgot all about the jets. “A cat like Wild Thing?”
“Who’s Wild Thing?”
“She’s Carly’s cat. So is Tom, but he’s not cuddly.” Penny thought Wild Thing was the sweetest cat in the world. Sometimes Carly would sit with Penny on the couch, and they’d pet Wild Thing together. That way Wild Thing wasn’t scared, and Penny wasn’t too rough.
“You like Miss Carly, don’t you?”
“A lot.” Carly did special things for her, and she didn’t get too mad when Penny messed up, which was a lot. No matter how busy Carly was, she talked in a nice way that Penny could understand. “Your mind fills up,” Carly had said to her. “Sometimes mine does, too. Not because of how my brain works, but because my heart gets too full.”
Penny understood being filled up, because the airplanes were filling her head with noise. Carly said Penny should close her eyes and picture the clouds when she needed to be quiet, so she did it now.
“Penny?” Aunt DeeDee tapped her shoulder with her fingernail. Penny’s eyes popped open, but her mind stayed in the clouds.
“Pay attention,” Aunt DeeDee said. “I asked what you wanted to do tomorrow. We could go to the zoo or a big toy store. Whatever you want.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” Aunt DeeDee smiled in that giant way that showed lots of teeth. “Where do you want to go?”
Penny knew exactly where she wanted to go. She wanted to go where her mommy lived. Last weekend, when Dr. Daddy’s magic car took her to his house instead of home to her mother, she wondered if she needed to ride in a boat like the one that took her mother’s ashes to the ocean. “I want to go to the beach.”
Aunt DeeDee’s eyebrows scrunched together like worms. “I don’t think the beach is a good idea, honey.”
“But I went with Carly. I chased the birds, and we went in the water.”
Aunt DeeDee’s mouth fell open. Penny saw even more of her teeth, even a big one in the back with gold all over it.
“You went in the water?”
Penny nodded and it wasn’t a lie. The white foam had touched just her toes, but in her mind she ran into the waves and turned into a mermaid. “The waves were big, and I swam in them. Carly came with me, and we went far.”
“You swam in the ocean?”
Penny nodded. “Carly made me wear my life vest to be extra safe.”
“But—but—”
Aunt DeeDee sounded like she was choking on her spit. Penny hated when that happened. “Carly says I swim like a fish. It was fun.”
Aunt DeeDee scooted her chair close, cupped Penny’s face in her cool hands, and leaned close. “Honey, this is very important.”
“Okay.” She knew what important meant.
“How far did you go in the waves?”
“Far.”
“Did you get all wet? Even your hair?” Aunt DeeDee squeezed Penny’s cheeks so hard that Penny’s mouth turned into what Eric called a “fish face.” He made her laugh when he did it in the pool, but she wasn’t a fish. She was a mermaid, and she lived in a sand castle under the water. “We went all the way in the ocean.” She wasn’t sure what Aunt DeeDee wanted to hear, so she told the best story she could.
“Oh, Penny.”
“I went underwater.”
Aunt DeeDee cried out like she’d stubbed her toe; then she snatched Penny’s hand and they went to the counter where Aunt DeeDee kept her phone. “How would you like to watch a movie while I make a call?”
“All right.”
“You pick.”
“Do you have Little Mermaid?”
Air blew out of Aunt DeeDee’s nose, and her eyes turned into slits. “I do, but you should pick something else.”
Penny stuck her lower lip out. “I want to be Ariel.”
Aunt DeeDee hugged her again. “I guess it’s all right.”
She put in the movie and brought Penny a cherry popsicle. The movie started, and in Penny’s mind, she was back at the beach with Carly. She didn’t know who Aunt DeeDee called, but Aunt DeeDee told the person about Penny going to the beach with Carly. She sounded worried and scared, especially when she hissed that a home visit couldn’t wait until next week.
“This child could be in danger,” she said.
Penny’s ears perked up, but then Ariel swam onto the screen, and Penny didn’t hear anything else until Aunt DeeDee came to sit with her. They watched the movie together until Penny lost interest.
Aunt DeeDee hugged her for the millionth time. “I’m going to take good care of you, Penny. Always. It’s what your mother would want.”
“How do you know?”
Aunt DeeDee swallowed hard. “I just do, honey.”
Maybe Aunt DeeDee knew how to get to heaven in the clouds. She’d been the one to take her mommy in the boat. Penny pushed back from her. “Do you talk to my mommy?”
“Sometimes.”
“Can she hear you?”
“I-I think so.”
Penny wanted to ask Aunt DeeDee how a person visited heaven and if a boat could take her there, but an extra loud airplane made her cover her ears. Like Carly said, Penny’s brain was too full to think anymore, and her heart was so full it hurt. With tears spilling down her cheeks, she slipped into a world where no one else could go.
23
When a perso
n cared for a child with fetal alcohol, some days were harder than others. A few days were so impossible even a saint pulled her hair out. Carly was no saint, and Penny had been particularly difficult since returning two days ago from her overnight stay with Denise.
A minute ago, as Carly was hauling paint cans down the hall, Penny informed her, in a particularly entitled tone, that she didn’t have to listen to Carly anymore, because Aunt DeeDee said Penny was a little princess, and she let Penny do whatever she wanted.
Carly’s blood was boiling as she veered into Penny’s room. This was precisely the sort of conflict she had sought to avoid when she spoke to Denise and ended up in that awful conversation with Ryan. They had barely said a word to each other since that night, and Carly didn’t know whether to be hurt, angry, or relieved. She needed to talk to him about Penny’s behavior, but that meant bringing up Denise. Unwilling to dredge up the conversation at the restaurant, Carly had been handling Penny herself.
“We have rules here,” Carly said to Penny as she stepped into the room. “You know that.”
Penny sashayed behind her. “I don’t care about rules.”
“I think you do.”
“No, I don’t.” For good measure, she tossed in a twirl and curtsied.
Carly set the paint cans down on the tarp she’d laid out earlier, then crouched in front of Penny. “We have rules here,” she repeated.
Penny twirled again, spinning with her arms wide until she stumbled into a paint can. It tipped and the lid fell off. Gray paint spread across the tarp like polluted water.
Mercifully the can was only a quarter full. Carly righted it quickly, then gripped Penny’s arm. “That’s enough.”
When Penny tried to spin again, Carly grasped her shoulders. “Penny. Stop.”
“No!”
“I said STOP.”
Penny, her face knotted, stomped in the puddle of paint. Gray droplets spattered Carly’s face. Gasping, she wiped her mouth with her sleeve, tasted rancid paint, and tried to work up some spit.
Together With You Page 20