Before Carly could reply, Ryan touted her qualifications. Ms. Stuart made a few more notes, then turned back to Carly. “I suppose that’s what confuses me about Penny’s statement. You have tremendous knowledge. Knowing what you do, it seems odd that you’d take Penny into the waves—”
“I didn’t.”
“She told me otherwise.” The social worker removed the glasses, then laced her hands over the notes. “I fully understand the complex relationship with the party reporting the endangerment. Stories become exaggerated, and we all have our motives.”
“Yes,” Ryan said firmly.
Ms. Stuart shot him a quelling look, then turned back to Carly. “What concerns me is Penny’s account of the day. She said you put her in an orange life vest, then took her out past the waves where she swam by herself. I believe the phrase was, ‘Carly says I swim like a fish, and I did. I went underwater and everything.’”
“That’s absurd!” Ryan shoved back in the chair so hard the legs screeched against the hardwood floor. “I was there. I saw her. Her hair was dry and brushed. She was—”
“Allow me to finish, Dr. Tremaine.” Ms. Stuart lifted one brow. “As you admitted earlier, you weren’t there the entire time.”
“No, but this is crazy! Denise is—”
“Ryan, stop.” Carly appreciated his support, but the moment called for diplomacy. “Ms. Stuart is doing her job. I’m not afraid of the facts.”
He settled back in the chair, but his eyes stayed on her face. “I’m not either, but the accusation is outrageous.”
Carly angled her chair to face Ms. Stuart. “For the record, I did not take Penny into the ocean. We played in the sand, and she got her ankles wet. That’s all.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
Oh, how Carly hated being questioned like this! It was too close to that awful moment in her boss’s office. “Are you sure you don’t know where Allison went? Are you sure she didn’t give you a hint?”
Ms. Stuart picked up her pen. “In that case, I have a question. If you didn’t take Penny into the water, why was she wearing a life vest?”
Carly hesitated. “As a precaution.”
The social worker made a note. “So you put her in a life vest to play in the sand?”
“She’s unpredictable—”
“And you were worried.”
“A little.” Carly was always worried about Penny, in part because she couldn’t forget her mistakes with Allison.
Ms. Stuart sat poised with her pen high, perhaps ready to write “guilty as charged” on her yellow legal pad. “Here’s my problem, Carly. You understand FASD far better than most nannies and far better than I do. If you were worried enough to put Penny in a life vest, why go to the beach at all? I have to wonder if you’re a little overconfident because of your knowledge.”
Overconfident? Since Allison, she worried about every decision she made. “That’s not accurate.”
“Is there another explanation?”
“Yes.” She started to say Penny made up stories, but tears flooded her eyes. Allison, where are you?
Ryan’s gaze pierced her from across the table. “Carly, there’s no guilt here. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But I did. Not with Penny, but . . . but before.” She pressed her knuckles to her mouth to fight a sob, but it came out in a groan. “Back in Lexington at Sparrow House . . . with a girl named Allison. I h-hate what happened.”
Ms. Stuart placed her strong, brown hand on Carly’s shoulder. “Honey, let it out.”
Why did she have to collapse in front of this woman acting as judge and jury? “I feel so guilty.”
“Tell me what happened at Sparrow House.” Ms. Stuart gave Carly’s shoulder a squeeze. “And call me Louanne.”
Carly blurted out the whole ugly story. “It was Friday. Allison was having a bad day, and so was I.” Carly’s bones ached with the memory of the headache building behind her eyes, the fatigue, the start of menstrual cramps. When she spoke, her Kentucky accent thickened with every word. “I had plans to leave for Boomer, that’s my home county. I loved my job, and I loved those girls, but I needed some breathing space. You know how it is.”
“I do,” Louanne replied. “Sometimes you have to shut the door.”
“That’s right.” Carly wished she had shut it sooner. “But I didn’t do that. I lived in at Sparrow House. I wanted to leave early that day, but things kept happening—little things, but someone had to handle them. When Allison came to my room around six o’clock, the door was open and I was packing. She wanted to come home with me. She said she just had to get away. But so did I. I was at low ebb, so I told her no.”
“That’s reasonable,” Louanne assured her.
“Yes, but I should never have given her the idea that we were close enough for that kind of weekend. Allison started shouting that I didn’t care about her. I lost it. I yelled back.” She sniffed hard. “Instead of taking the time to calm her down or to take her to the house leader filling in for the weekend, I left her.”
Louanne nodded, her expression full of understanding. “Sometimes we just run out of gas.”
“Yes, but she needed me.” Carly wiped her eyes with her fist. “The next day, when I was home in Boomer, the house leader called and told me Allison was missing. One of the other girls saw her get in a car with a man she barely knew. We learned later that they spent the night together, then he drove her to the bus stop. She bought a ticket for Chicago, and that was the last I ever heard of her.”
“Oh, Carly,” Louanne murmured. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’d do anything to have that night back.” Anything at all. Lord, what will it take? She tried to raise her eyes from her lap but couldn’t. “That’s how I know I’m not overconfident with Penny. I’m scared to death of making the mistake I made with Allison.”
Ryan’s voice filled her ears. “You’re human, Carly. We all make mistakes.”
She dragged her gaze up from her lap, saw compassion in his eyes, and felt almost forgiven.
Louanne broke in. “I see now why Penny was wearing the life vest. You’re not overconfident at all. You’re overly cautious.”
“I suppose I am,” Carly admitted. “Penny got her toes wet, but we didn’t swim the way she told Denise. FASD kids make up stories. It’s part of the condition. I hope you believe me.”
“I do.” Louanne straightened her glasses. “Kids make up stories to protect themselves. So do a lot of adults. I hear it every day, and I’m sure you did, too. It’s my job to dig down to the facts, which is why I’d like to know more for my report. Do you have any idea why Penny spun that particular story?”
So that was Carly’s secret. Ryan sympathized with her, deeply, but her guilt surprised him. How many times had she told him to forgive himself for contributing to Penny’s FASD? She’d preached it several times, and here she was—as remorseful and self-condemning as he was.
The guilt didn’t make sense in the context of her Christian faith. If she believed in a Savior who had died for her sins, why was she carrying that burden on her own shoulders? Wasn’t she supposed to roll it off and shout hallelujah, as if nothing had ever happened? Where was her faith now? Or more to the point, what was her faith in? Did she believe in God, or was her faith a remnant from her childhood, the stuff of memorized prayers and the habit of going to church?
Ryan didn’t share her faith, but he cared deeply for Carly. She didn’t need to know what he thought, but she very much needed absolution. After being helpless in the presence of her tears, he could finally do something. “Let’s talk to Penny,” he said to Louanne. “If we ask the right questions, she might reveal something.”
“I hope so,” Carly said. “A lot happened that day.”
“Get her,” Louanne said to Ryan.
He crossed the family room to her tent, crouched, and peered through the open flaps. Penny was in the corner surrounded by her stuffed animals, including Miss Rabbit, Lance, Joey the Kangaroo
, and the dolphin, whose name he didn’t recall. Without thinking twice, he reached for Lance.
“Miss Penny!” he said in a growly voice. “Come with me!”
Giggling, Penny scrambled after Lance, took Ryan’s hand, and pulled him to the table, where she climbed onto Carly’s lap. “I’m hungry.”
Carly patted her shoulder. “We’ll have a snack in a few minutes.”
“Now!”
“In a minute,” Carly said, hugging her. “Miss Louanne and your daddy want to ask you some questions.”
Ryan kept Lance in his lap. If Penny didn’t open up, he’d make a fool of himself and bring in the lion. “So,” he said to her, “you had fun at the beach. What did you do?”
“We made a castle.”
“Did you go in the water?” he asked.
“It was cold.” Penny shivered to make her point. “Fish like it and so do mermaids. Annabelle is my mermaid friend. She swims in the ocean. I saw her.”
Glancing occasionally at Penny, Louanne scribbled notes.
“Where did you see Annabelle?” Ryan asked.
“In the waves.” Penny kicked the table leg while she spoke. “I wanted to be with her, because she lives in the ocean. Aunt DeeDee took my mommy’s ashes to the ocean. She lives in heaven now, and I want to visit her.”
Ryan tossed a look at Louanne to be sure she heard the link. When she nodded, he continued. “Did you tell Aunt DeeDee about Annabelle?”
Penny shook her head. “No, Annabelle’s my secret friend. But I told Aunt DeeDee about the waves.”
He didn’t want to ask leading questions, but Penny understood best when people were direct. “Did you tell her you swam in the waves?”
“It wasn’t a lie.” She buried her face against Carly’s neck, then mumbled, “My feet swam in them.”
With his eyebrows raised, Ryan looked pointedly at Louanne, who capped her pen. “Thank you, Penny. I understand now.”
Penny twisted her neck for a better view of Carly. “Can we have cookies now?”
“Yes, we can.” Carly lowered Penny to the floor, then spoke to Louanne. “I’m sure you have a busy schedule, but you’re welcome to a cup of coffee.”
“No, thank you.” Louanne scrawled something on her business card and handed it to Ryan. “This is the case number. You can request a copy of the report in ten days or so, but I assure you, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Ryan slipped the card into his shirt pocket. “Do you want to talk to my sons? Is there anything else?”
“We’re done.” She stood and picked up the notebook. “I’ll be on my way, but Penny?”
As the child turned to her, Louanne offered her hand. Penny stared at it, then grabbed it with both of hers and shook.
“It was nice to meet you,” Louanne said. “You have a very vivid imagination.”
Just about mermaids, Ryan thought. When it came to imagining the consequences of her actions, like running away or crossing a street without looking, Penny possessed no imagination at all. She lived in the moment, something he related to as a man who’d once given in to impulse.
Ryan walked Louanne to the door, thanked her, then strode back to the kitchen. Penny was back in her tent and out of earshot, so he took his phone out of his pocket.
Carly saw it and frowned. “What are you doing?”
“Calling Denise.”
“No. Wait.”
Because she asked, he paused. “I’m calling her now. If she has a problem, she needs to call me, not DFCS.”
“Yes, but you want to be calm. Tell her what happened. Include her. Don’t make her an enemy.”
“Well, she is.” Not only had she threatened his custody of Penny, she had attacked Carly’s character and that clawed at him. He longed to go to Carly now, put his arms around her, press her face to his shoulder, and tell her . . . tell her what? That he admired her? Loved her? He couldn’t say either of those things, but he could protect her from false accusations.
With his temper hot but under control, he called Denise and relayed the story. She didn’t apologize like he expected. Instead, she defended herself. “I have grave concerns—”
“I get that, Denise. But—”
“Penny shouldn’t even be at the beach.”
“That’s ridiculous. She has to be watched, but she’s still a child.”
“It’s just not safe,” Denise protested. “I don’t care how competent Carly is, I think she made a mistake.”
“Well, I don’t.”
“You’re defending her.” Denise’s tone reeked of suspicion. “It makes me wonder what else is going on. Remember, Ryan, I know your track record.”
“That’s not fair.” And it insulted Carly, who was staring out the window, her eyes still shiny and her nose a little red. He laid a hand on her shoulder. When she nodded to show her support, he spoke again to Denise. “I’m Penny’s father. I respect your ties to her, but you don’t have the right to interfere in our lives.”
“I do if your nanny is incompetent.”
“Carly does an excellent job, and you know it. She’s amazing. She’s more than competent. She’s—” He stopped in midsentence, aware that his defense hinted at that ridiculous idea that wasn’t ridiculous at all. He let go of Carly’s shoulder and stepped back. She headed to the sink, and he focused solely on Denise. “This is about Penny, and it’s between you and me.”
“Fine. But that doesn’t change the facts.”
“What do you want me to do?” Ryan lashed back. “Keep her in a cage?”
“Of course not. But the beach isn’t safe.”
“Sometimes neither is flying. Any close calls?” He knew the answer, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked.
“A few.”
He leveled his voice. “Human beings take chances all the time. It’s just life, and I want Penny to have the biggest life I can give her.”
“So do I, but I also want her safe!”
“Absolutely.” He saw a chance to mollify Denise and took it. “That’s why I need a favor. I’m taking five teenagers on a camping trip. I need Carly’s help. Could you watch Penny for a few days?”
“Of course. When?”
He named the dates in August.
“I’d be glad to watch her. I love her so much—”
“So do I, Denise.”
A labored sigh hissed into his ear. “You’re off the hook this time, Ryan. But please be careful. Penny is precious to me, and I promised Jenna I’d love her like my own.”
“And you do.” He didn’t doubt Denise’s sincerity, only her judgment. “We can make this work. Just don’t call Family Services again—not without talking to me first.”
“You’re right,” she admitted. “It was a knee-jerk reaction, and I’m sorry. I was just so worried.”
“I understand.” He managed a courteous good-bye, pocketed his phone, then watched Carly chug down a glass of water. If she weren’t Penny’s nanny and an employee, he would have asked her out weeks ago. But there was also the matter of her faith and Bible Belt roots. She didn’t need a skeptical divorced man whose life was a mess.
But looking at her now, he realized her life was a mess, too. Her eyes were dull and puffy, and somehow she seemed diminished. She didn’t need Ryan’s skepticism, but she did need to stop feeling guilty over Allison. It might linger forever the way Ryan’s guilt lingered, but he couldn’t leave her hurting like this.
She set the half-empty glass on the counter. “I’m glad that’s over.”
“Is it?”
“Of course. Louanne is gone.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Without thinking, he picked up Lance. “Grrr, Miss Carly. Don’t be sad!”
“But I am,” she confessed to Lance.
“Dr. Ryan says you did everything right.” Lance looked at Ryan, and they both nodded. Then Lance turned back to Carly. “Dr. Ryan is going to play with Penny so you can have a rest, but tonight he wants to have a little talk.”
Carly gaped at L
ance, then lifted her eyes to Ryan’s face. The sparkle returned and was bright, maybe because of the sheen of tears. But just as quickly, she looked away. “No thank you, Lance.”
“Aaargh,” the lion said, pirate-like. “Dr. Ryan might have to kidnap you. If you don’t do what he says, he’ll make you walk the plank.”
As he hoped, Carly smiled a little more. “I guess he’s serious about this conversation.”
“I am,” Ryan said in his own voice. “I’ll find you after Penny’s bedtime.”
She gave him a hopeless look and shrugged. Ryan took it as a challenge. If she needed to bare her soul even more, he’d listen. And if it was at all reasonable, he’d hire an investigator to find Allison.
25
The instant Ryan left the kitchen to be with Penny, Carly fetched her phone, raced out the front door, and walked a half mile to the narrow park that cut between Ryan’s neighborhood and a ravine that carried runoff to the ocean. In the shade of a towering wall of eucalyptus trees, with the cough-drop scent filling her nose, she went to the playground, dropped down on a big-kid swing, and pulled her hair into a ragged ponytail. Then she called her dad.
“Hey there,” he said. “How’s my girl?”
“Awful.”
“What happened?”
“Denise reported me for child endangerment because I took Penny to the beach.” She told him everything—about the mustard mess, Ryan’s defense of her, and Louanne’s absolution. “But Daddy, it stirred up all the stuff about Allison. I just can’t stand it!”
“What can’t you stand?”
“Not knowing what happened to her! You know that.”
When her father stayed silent, Carly knew what was coming and wished she hadn’t called. He was going to challenge her to think, and she didn’t want to think right now. If she thought too long or too hard, her feelings for Ryan would leak into her voice, and her father would show up on Ryan’s doorstep with his shotgun. Not literally, but he’d want to meet the man who had stolen his daughter’s heart.
Determined to keep the talk about Allison, Carly tossed a challenge back to him. “Go ahead. Say it.”
“Say what?”
“You’re going to tell me to stop beating myself up. You’re going to say to put Allison in God’s hands—like that’s the easiest thing in the world. But it’s not. I just can’t do it. You know I’ve tried—”
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