It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age

by Martha O. Bolton

  As convenient as medical care is getting now, it still stands to reason that if you’re going to be operated on, most of us would like the doctor to stick around until we’re put back together again. It just seems like the more polite thing to do.

  Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure

  prolonged pain, disease, discomfort, and wealth.

  Robert Orben

  We cannot learn without pain.

  Aristotle

  Hard to Swallow

  Some things that we’re faced with both in our refrigerators and in life are simply just hard to swallow. Like the price of gasoline these days. But again, it’s all in how you look at it. Believe it or not, there are even some advantages to this hard-to-swallow reality of today’s world.

  The Blessings of Rising Gas Prices

  Don’t just sit there complaining about the rising price of gas. Look at the hidden blessings that come along with those prices. Here are just ten of them; we’re sure you can think of more:

  1. We’ve been practicing riding stationary bikes for years in our basements and at our gyms. Now we finally might have the incentive to actually get outside and do it for real.

  2. Fewer Hummers and SUVs to have to maneuver around in a parking lot.

  3. Instead of planning that cross-country road trip, we can now finally visit that local campground that almost had to close its doors last summer.

  4. We can turn the abandoned parking lots into tennis courts.

  5. We can walk to work every Monday. Get there by Friday.

  6. High gas prices are the perfect excuse to avoid the in-laws.

  7. No more teenagers cruising the boulevards on the weekends.

  8. No matter where we’re from, it gives us all something in common to talk about, besides the weather.

  9. Parents don’t complain about their teenagers skateboarding anymore.

  10. We keep the mileage down on our vehicles.

  PART FOUR

  Empty Shelves

  (Overworked, Overstressed, Overwhelmed,

  and Underappreciated—and That’s the Good News)

  I was so depressed that I decided

  to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest.

  He said, ‘‘On your mark . . .’’

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Have you ever felt over-appreciated to the point where you’d really like your children to stop thanking you for all your hard work in the kitchen, at your job, at their schools or sports teams, at church, or wherever else you find yourself working? Have you ever felt way too rested? Or way too overpaid? We suspect not. Very few of us have ever taken a check back to our bosses and said, ‘‘I’m sorry, there must be some mistake. I can get by on way less than this.’’ Nor have we said to our spouse or children, ‘‘You don’t have to thank me. Seeing your clothes strewn all over the floor is thanks enough, sweetie.’’

  If you’ve ever opened the fridge door and the light wouldn’t come on, you know that all things at some point reach their limit of endurance. You have a few choices when this happens. You can remove the light bulb, then lick your finger and stick it into the socket to see if there’s any power left.1 You can chip the dried chocolate pudding out of the light switch until it works again. Or you can remove the light bulb and calmly insert another one. We recommend the third step.2 Then we recommend that you sit down, remove your shoes, and read the following tips and stories for the over-stressed, underpaid, and underappreciated who are having trouble seeing the light even when the fridge door is open.

  1This was a joke. Please do not do this. If you do and there is a problem, please write us at You Did What? Box 403, Lower Zimbabwe.

  2Some opt for just closing the door and going back to bed.

  The Stress Diet

  Breakfast

  1 slice multi-grain toast (lightly buttered)

  1 orange (lightly squeezed)

  1 cup bran cereal (no sugar)

  6 oz. skim milk

  Mid-morning

  8 oz. iced tea

  Lunch

  6 oz. lean chicken

  Leaf of lettuce, small

  8 oz. water, no lemon

  Small cluster of grapes

  Small scoop of ice cream

  Mid-afternoon snack

  Mix handful of peanuts, pound of fudge, and a box of chocolates into remaining ice cream. Finish carton.

  Dinner

  1 large pizza (loaded) with extra cheese

  1 medium pan lasagna

  Gallon of root beer

  2 slices raspberry cheesecake (eat with your hands)

  More pizza (eat with your hands)

  More ice cream (eat with your face)

  Bedtime snack

  3 packages of Rolaids3

  8 tablespoons Pepto Bismol4

  If people concentrated on the really important things in life,

  there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

  Doug Larson

  3This is a joke.

  4This is also a joke.

  Choose Your Rut Carefully

  I don’t know the key to success,

  but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

  Bill Cosby

  We love reading road signs. Like the one welcoming you to Kettle Falls, Washington, the home of ‘‘1,255 friendly people and one grouch.’’ In Hilt, California, a sign advises: ‘‘Brakeless trucks, use freeway.’’ Along Oregon’s winding coast, another sign warns: ‘‘Emergency stopping only. Whale watching is not an emergency. Keep driving.’’ There’s a service station somewhere with a bold sign proclaiming, ‘‘We have Mexican food. We have gas.’’ While traveling through Kentucky, I (Martha) once saw a traffic warning sign by a construction site on the interstate that said, ‘‘Whoa!’’ and the next one said, ‘‘Leave the racing to the horses!’’ But our favorite of them all is posted on an Alaska highway: ‘‘Choose your rut carefully. You’ll be in it for the next two hundred miles.’’

  Have you noticed that when you’re rushing to get to your destination, you hardly notice any road signs? You’re so focused on arriving that the journey becomes more of a blur than a trip. You ate, but you don’t really remember where. You stopped for gas but couldn’t say which town you were in. You saw an accident, but if anyone was injured, you wouldn’t know it because all you could do was complain about the traffic jam it caused.

  Rushing also causes us to make more mistakes. We miss our exit and don’t realize it until we’re twenty-six miles down the road. We can’t stop to check out that funny noise our engine is making until we have to stop because the funny noise has left us stranded by the side of the road on I-40. Or we race down the street only to hit every red light possible.

  But rushing isn’t only done on our highways and streets. It’s also done in our homes.

  As a young father, I (yes, Phil) found myself in the rut of spending sixty hours at work each week, speaking across the country on weekends, and wallpapering the house at night. I had three small children and one wife, and I was in danger of getting their names mixed up. I was in danger of not just writing about the grouch of Kettle Falls but becoming him, as well. Like the wallpaper, things were about to come crashing down. Before I knew what hit me, I was flat on my back. Burned out. Finished. Kaput.

  What happened? I was reading signs. But I was reading all the wrong ones, like, ‘‘Give your kids the stuff you never had,’’ ‘‘Sign them up for all the extracurricular activities that all your friends have their kids in,’’ and the most dangerous sign of all, ‘‘Dads don’t really matter. Mom’s got it all under control.’’ I was stuck in the rut of believing that an ultra-busy schedule equals a productive and healthy family life. To me, a well-balanced life meant a well-balanced checkbook. If I had enough money for everything my kids wanted and all the sports and arts that they were involved in, then we were successful.

  I (Martha) was in the rut of reading signs like, ‘‘If you never leave your rut, the road will
be smooth.’’ But sometimes even the ruts are a little bumpy. Sometimes they even break way and leave you buried in the snow. It’s part of the nature of ruts.

  But three liberating truths have freed us from trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations or from stressing out over the rocky places of life. We think these three truths should be clearly posted as road signs along life’s highway, ruts and all.

  1. The fruit of the Spirit is not sour grapes.

  In the midst of my (Phil’s) burnout, my four-year-old pounced on me and tickled me. I didn’t move. ‘‘Dad,’’ he said, ‘‘you don’t laugh so good anymore.’’ I wanted to say that it was because he had landed on my spleen and I was having difficulty breathing, much less laughing. But I knew it was more than that. That night I made a conscious decision to change. I began renting funny, wholesome movies. I bought a few cartoon books and explained the jokes to the kids. Within days, the difference in our home was noticeable. God is a God of joy. He has given us a built-in escape hatch for the pressures of life. It is our funny bone. Laughter has no MSG, no fat grams, no carbs, no trans fat. Laughter is low in cholesterol, and it tastes better than most health food. It’s our secret weapon against whatever ‘‘sour grapes’’ life happens to throw at us.

  2. Even ants have time to attend picnics.

  Recently my (Phil’s) family bought a puppy. Mojo cost us three hundred dollars, or a hundred dollars per brain cell. Sometimes she curls up on my lap, her tiny heart beating faster than you’d believe. But when she drifts off to sleep, it slows down remarkably. They say the jumping mouse’s heart beats five hundred times a minute. During hibernation, however, it slows to thirty beats per minute. We’re not recommending hibernation (although the idea is compelling if we don’t meet this deadline), but we are recommending rest. The Bible tells us that Jesus often took a break. No one in history accomplished more than he did, yet he did it all without overworking himself and acquiring an ulcer. Rest allows us to recharge our batteries and reorganize our priorities. The Creator of the universe took time to rest. So should we.

  3. Even full shelves sometimes mold.

  Read enough road signs and you can’t miss the message that you don’t have enough. ‘‘You don’t drive a green Jaguar like this one. You poor soul. How have you lived this long without it? You don’t eat glazed ham in a perfect dining room with perfect lighting and the perfect family who laugh at all your jokes while the yellow Lab retriever lies at your feet flea-less and grinning. You call that a life?’’

  If the rat race is getting you down, here’s an exercise you may want to try: Leave your credit cards at home and stroll through a mall laughing at all the things you do not need. We each have done this and enjoyed ourselves immensely. Here are some of the things we’ve found:

  A water fountain for your cat

  A cell phone that works underwater (thank God for that!)

  Alarm clocks1 that project the time on your ceiling in the middle of the night (when you should be sleeping) but can’t be read during the daylight (when you should be getting up)

  Gas-powered blenders for the backyard

  Pants that talk (they say ‘‘Zip me!’’)

  We don’t drive green Jaguars2 or have perfect families (and the ham on our tables is more burnt than glazed), but we do have some things you can’t buy at Wal-Mart. We have a thousand memories we hope to recall in the old-folks’ home. We have close, faithful friends who gather round when times get tough.

  We have enough money to give some of it away. And when we notice that the neighbor’s grass is greener, we remind ourselves that their water bill is probably higher. And, oh yes, they have to cut it more often, too.

  I try to take one day at a time,

  but sometimes several days attack me at once.

  Jenifer Yane

  I have learned from experience that

  the greater part of our happiness or misery depends

  on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.

  Martha Washington

  1This beauty should be called The Insomniac’s Dream

  2Though Martha has part of one on her bumper from a parking lot incident.

  Not So Smooth Moves

  It’s a funny thing being a writer. During those terrifying moments in life when you know you are going to die, whether at the hands of a stubborn parachute, a leaky canoe, or your mother-in-law’s wild driving, all you can think of is: I sure hope I live so I can write about this! But there are also those horrifying occasions when you have done something so incredibly dumb that you know you will never have the courage to confess it to your faithful and long-suffering readers.

  Knowing, however, that our readers are above average and can keep a secret, we have decided to confess several of the dumbest things we have managed to accomplish over the years.

  First off, we want you to know that we are not alone. Others have accomplished similar dim-witted deeds. We’d feel better if we exposed them first.

  A Wisconsin man makes us feel much better. Before leaving on vacation, he decided he should hide his handguns and ammunition, just in case thieves broke in and stole them. But where do you hide such things? In the oven, of course. Who would ever look in an oven for artillery? Unfortunately he forgot to tell his wife where he’d placed them, and when they got home from vacation, well, you can guess the rest. Turning on the oven to cook dinner, she got the surprise of her life. USA Today reported that when the bullets began exploding, the couple took cover behind their refrigerator. Finally the intrepid husband was able to use an extinguisher to put out the fire (and firearms). Luckily no one got hurt, but I guess that’s one way to put a hole in your Bundt cake!

  In Great Britain, a truck driver by the name of Klaus Buergermeister ran into a Smart car without knowing he had. Klaus proceeded to drive for two miles with the tiny vehicle wedged to the front of his semi, before being flagged down by police. (I know Alabama truck drivers have hit some pretty good-sized mosquitoes, but nothing like this.) Andreas Bolga, the terrified driver of the so-called Smart car, was finally able to escape before anything worse happened. Klaus, age fifty-three, told The Express newspaper that he had felt only a slight bump and added: ‘‘I could not believe it when I got out and saw there was a car stuck on the front of my truck.’’

  At the pinnacle of my (Phil’s) hockey career, as all the teenage girls in our little town watched, I scored the overtime goal of the championship game! Quite a feat. Except that I scored it into my own net. I was publicly humiliated, to say the least. In fact, I don’t remember much about the next eight or ten years of my life. But I do remember what happened when I got home after the game. My father sat with me, and he grinned. Then he snickered. Then he laughed with me. And best of all he told me he loved me in spite of my very public mistake.

  I (Martha) have shared this story before, but it bears repeating. Once while in one of those super shoe stores, I decided to try on a pair of boots. I looked around for a place to sit down, but all the stools were taken. Behind me, however, was a row of large boxes that obviously dozens of shoes were shipped in. I figured I would just turn around and take a seat on one of those.

  My plan would have worked had the boxes had anything in them, but because they were empty, when I sat down, I sank all the way to the floor. My legs were now sticking up out of the box like a couple of chopsticks in a Chinese takeout meal. It was a tight fit and I couldn’t budge. So I had to rock the box side to side to get it to fall over so I could crawl out! Since this store was at the mall, there’s no telling how many people were watching from the window.1

  The embarrassing moments of life are good reminders that it’s good to be humbled. Humility. It’s the one thing few of us ask God for, but it’s so necessary in life. Humility keeps us from judging others too harshly. It also reminds us that we have a Father who smiles and sometimes even laughs with us in the midst of our dumbest mistakes. Why? Because he has an eternal perspective, and because he knows we’re not perfect. And if w
e’re wise, we’ll learn from those mistakes.

  We’re sure that Wisconsin couple has learned and by now must have found a regular cooking timer instead of their Smith & Wessons. And we’re sure that truck driver probably checks his bumper for small cars every time he stops now.

  And now when Martha tries on shoes, she makes sure the seat where she sits isn’t a trapdoor. As for Phil’s new hockey career? Well, whenever he plays now, the sign his team has hung above the opposing net that says ‘‘THIS ONE!’’ has sure helped a lot!

  Finish each day and be done with it.

  You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  1If you were there and had been wondering all these years who the chopstick lady was, now you know.

  High Hopes

  Blessed is he who expects nothing

  for he shall never be disappointed.

  Alexander Pope

  We’re sure this has happened to you. You’re craving that last piece of chocolate cream pie. You saw it in the refrigerator just this morning and have been putting off eating it until now. After all, you couldn’t very well have it for breakfast. Chocolate cream pie isn’t a breakfast food, at least not in the same way that pizza is. You didn’t even have it for lunch, because that’s the meal you’ve been trying to cut back on and just have a health drink. But now it’s dinnertime. You had only a salad, passing up the mashed potatoes and dinner rolls just so you could indulge in this one pleasure—the last piece of chocolate cream pie! You have been surprisingly disciplined, passing when the pie first made its go-around. You’ve been good. But now there’s only one piece left and you’ve staked your claim on it. You didn’t shove a flag into the whipped cream or anything like that to claim it. But you have made it known to the entire family that the last piece of pie is yours.