When my (Martha’s) son and daughter-in-law asked if I would feed and walk their six-month-old border collie for them, I said sure. But they had one of those releaseable dog leashes that I wasn’t used to operating. I held the leash in my left hand and the control in my right. (I’ve since learned that the instructions say this is not advisable. I now know why.)
As soon as the dog hit the outdoors she took off, and I could feel the leash zip through the palm of my hand with such force, I was sure that the leash had sliced right through it. I paused briefly to look down at my palm, fully expecting to see a geyser of blood. But it wasn’t bleeding. What happened next, however, is all a slow-motion blur. Taking full advantage of my diverted attention, and too excited about seeing a neighbor boy out front to contain her enthusiasm, that dog took off like a bullet, taking me with her. I tried my best to keep up, my legs moving as fast as they possibly could, until I finally gave up and just went with it.
I don’t know how long I was airborne. In my memory it seemed about as long as one of Tinkerbell’s flights with Peter Pan, but without the grace and fairy dust. When I came back down, I was cheek to cheek with the asphalt street,2 getting a derma-peel the hard way.3 My face was scratched and bruised, my knee was scraped and bruised, and my forearms and shoulders had bruises, too. All this from doing a good deed. The dog got his afternoon walk and I got an afternoon flight. But even though I was hurt, I have to say I’ve laughed more over that incident than I’ve cried.
Things aren’t going to go perfectly for any of us. We were never promised that. But if we look hard enough at our troubles, we can usually find something to laugh about.
And if nothing else, these pains and embarrassments of life can remind us that this may not be paradise. But it’s coming.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Revelation 21:4
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing.
Michael Pritchard
In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.
Peterborough Examiner
1Please don’t write telling us that ain’t ain’t a word. We already know it ain’t.
2Sounds like a country song.
3Sounds like a crooner song.
Best Before 1983
Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying the grudge,
the other guy’s out dancing.
Buddy Hackett
Expiration dates. Most food products have them. They may be hidden under all the mold that has grown over them, but they’re in there somewhere. Even if the expiration date isn’t stamped on the packaging, common sense tells us that there is a shelf life to most food products. After a certain amount of time, they’re going to lose their nutritional value and perhaps even become harmful to us if eaten.
I (Martha) once uncovered a cucumber in my vegetable drawer that had more moss growing on it than the Swamp Thing. It had obviously lived with me well beyond its ‘‘expiration date,’’ which for vegetables is usually somewhere between the time you buy it at the grocery store and the time it petrifies.
Like that cucumber, there are other things that don’t have expiration dates printed on them, but they should.
We believe that grudges should have expiration dates. The hurt is what someone does to us. The grudge is what we do to ourselves, and if we’re smart, we’ll put an expiration date on it.
Husbands and wives should put expiration dates on some of their disagreements, too. I (Phil) once had a heated argument with my wife days before Christmas. It gave a whole new meaning to ‘‘Silent Night.’’ But whether it happened five years ago, ten years ago, or even two hours ago, if it’s already been discussed and worked through, let’s throw it out like the Swamp Thing cucumber.
Do you know we have expirations dates, too? Each and every one of us. For some of us it might be May 6, 2010. For others it could be December 1, 2014. Or perhaps even December 1 of this year. None of us like thinking about it, but we have an expiration date that only God knows. None of us can avoid it. One hundred percent of people are dying now. It’s an epidemic.
Maybe it would have been a good idea if God had stamped an expiration date on our bodies somewhere. Our behavior toward others and toward ourselves might change just a little if we had to look at that expiration date each time we looked in the mirror. We might be more patient with the people around us:
‘‘What an absolute self-centered, egotistical jerk she is! Oh, wait. It says on her forehead that she’s due to expire next week. You know, maybe I should cut her a little slack instead. Only God knows what is really going on in her life.’’
Or ‘‘I wish I had more time to spend with my son. But I’m just so busy. Wait, it says here that his expiration date is—I’m not going to the office today. I’m taking my son to the park.’’
With personal expiration dates, we would probably be a lot more forgiving of others, too.
‘‘Do you have any idea what he did? Well, let me tell you . . .
‘‘Oh, wait. It says here that I’m due to expire this afternoon. Maybe I should go a little lighter on him since God does say that I’m going to be judged in the same way I’ve judged others. Okay, never mind. Forget I even brought him up. Just pray for him, which is what I guess I should have been doing for him all along anyway.’’
There’s no telling what kind of positive behavior an expiration date might inspire in all of us. If we had a true awareness of how much longer we had, we’d let a lot of things slide. We wouldn’t stress over many of the situations that cause us so much anguish now. We would put our attention on the truly important things and not waste our time on things that don’t really matter. Who cares if someone is gossiping or lying about us? They’ve got their own expiration date to worry about. Who cares about that offense that happened ten years ago? Are we going to spend the last five, ten, or fifteen years of our lives fretting over that, or are we going to, like Tim McGraw sings, live like we are dying?
Expiration dates—we can either pay attention and let them move us to action, or we can ignore the big picture and end up throwing away far too many precious years.
This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
Sweeter Than Honey
All I have seen teaches me to trust
the Creator for all I have not seen.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Did you know that there is a food that will never spoil? It’s honey, a personal favorite of folks like Winnie the Pooh and at least one of us. Other foods will last for years in your refrigerator without so much as a complaint or an explosion. There’s molasses, for instance, and baking soda. But for the most part, food that’s in there too long will take on a life of it’s own, and before long it will turn rotten.1 But honey is one of those miracle foods.
It’s hard to find things on this earth that will not decay.
I (Phil) have three autographed Toronto Blue Jays bats in my basement, given to me after I spoke to the team. You can get on eBay and make some good money with these. The problem is that when my sons were younger, they discovered that these bats were great for hitting rocks and trees . . . and each other.
The bats were priceless once.
Not anymore.
So it is with most of what we see around us. Look out your window now. How much of what you see will last forever? How much of what we’re investing our lives in will mold, crack, peel, rust, snap, or wind up in a landfill somewhere?
Next time you open the fridge door and find something growing in there, let it remind you of the things that will never rot, petrify, or corrode. Scripture promises that God’s Word and people last forever. And it offers great news about our inheritance:
Praise be to the
God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you. 1 Peter 1:3–4
How sweet is the promise of heaven. It’s the assurance that we have an inheritance that outlasts even honey. It’s a written guarantee from the only one who hasn’t broken a promise yet.
Faith is believing what one cannot see,
and the reward of faith is to see what one believes.
St. Augustine
1Most of us learn this lesson in a college dormitory.
The Sky Is Always Falling
I read that 75 percent of Americans are now anxious and depressed and I thought, Well, I’m a little ahead of my time, aren’t I? The fact is that I have been on a state of high alert since high school. I didn’t need 9/11. I was uptight on 9/10.
Garry Shandling, quoted in Servant magazine
The Paranoid’s Guide to Life
1. If a tree falls in a forest, it’ll land on me.
2. A person with the Asian flu will be on my flight, sitting next to me . . . with a screaming, sneezing child on her lap.
3. The chances are excellent that there will be an earthquake today somewhere in the vicinity of where I’m standing.
4. I won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes? That can mean only one thing. I’ve got two weeks to live.
5. I think I’m being stalked. People are following my every step. I move, they move. I stop, they stop. I’ve got to get out of this line!
6. An apple a day raises your chances of choking by 400 percent.
7. Everybody hates me, except mosquitoes. And they only use me as a last resort.
8. If I take cover in a storm cellar, a tornado will actually form inside it.
9. The only thing we have to fear is . . . where do I start?
10. A bird in the hand will mean a bite in the palm. Or worse.
11. The best laid plans of mice and men will both be better than mine.
12. I finally have a day off to go to the beach. A tsunami must be coming.
13. This is the first day of the rest of my disasters.
But We Don’t Have to Live in Fear
Fear is static that prevents me from hearing myself.
Samuel Butler
People are built to handle varying degrees of worry. First, there are the ones who worry about everything. The Chicken Littles. They run around telling the world that the sky is falling. They worry about the stock market crashing, World War III breaking out, Y3K, California falling into the ocean after a ten-point earthquake, rare virus outbreaks, and any number of other calamities befalling the world’s population. Not that those things can’t or won’t happen,1 but the possibility of their happening in the future can dominate our present, if we let it.
Then there are the people on the other end of the spectrum. The daredevils. The Evel Knievels of this world who don’t lose a minute of sleep over anything. If the sky starts to fall, they’ll just open their umbrella and go on about their day. They’ll buy property right on top of an earthquake fault or at the base of a volcano. There are some people who will even go on tornado chasing tours.2 That’s right, these people pay someone to drive them to a tornado. Now, when it comes to tornadoes, to isn’t the direction we would recommend. Away seems like it would be a much better trip. Don’t get us wrong. We’re not saying you have to be a worrywart, or a Chicken Little for that matter, but when it comes to your personal safety, we just feel it’s best to use common sense and balance. Don’t be extreme in either direction. Don’t picnic by an alligator-infested swamp, even if it is the Fourth of July and it’s the last picnic table available. But don’t hide out in your house worrying about a giant mosquito swooping you up the minute you step outside, either. Unless you live in Alabama.
To help you know what is appropriate to stress over and what isn’t (for instance, funnel clouds are a justified stress, funnel cakes aren’t), we have provided the following list:
Justified Stress:
Global warming
Natural disasters
Getting mugged
Losing a job
Bullies
A shopping cart totaling your parked car (given the right wind conditions, it could happen)
Things Not to Fear:
All of the above
Why? The explanation is found in Isaiah 26:3: ‘‘You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.’’
1If you’re paranoid, we wish to point out that they likely will happen on Wednesday, May 3.
2Exhibit A: The film Twister.
Top Ten Fears
According to people who research these kinds of things, the top ten fears are:
10. Dogs
9. Loneliness
8. Flying
7. Death
6. Sickness
5. Deep water
4. Financial problems
3. Insects and bugs
2. Heights
1. Public speaking
Did you notice that the number one fear isn’t death? It’s public speaking. Public speaking has caused death (for both the speaker, if he’s nervous, and for the audience, if he’s boring), but we personally find it interesting that on a list of fears, it’s number one and death is number seven. People would rather rest in the casket than be the one to read the eulogy. But let’s take a look at these fears and examine each one a little more closely.
Dogs. Sure, they can bite, but can they drive? If you’re stressing over getting bitten by some ferocious pitbull, look on the positive side. Yes, the dog could very well bite your leg off, but can he drive a car and track you down? Of course not. So calm down. You never have to worry about getting hit by a car being driven by a dog, except in Walt Disney movies. Now, doesn’t that make you feel better already?
Loneliness. Is it really all that bad? To feel better about your loneliness, imagine yourself opening your door to unexpected company that includes three toddlers and a teenage punk rocker who brought along his electric guitar. Still feel lonely? Still longing for ‘‘a little company’’? Or does your peace and quiet suddenly look bearable?
Flying. I (Martha) once sat next to a teenager on her very first flight. She was pretty apprehensive, but I think it was mainly the result of not knowing what to expect. As the plane began to taxi its way toward the runway, she turned to me and asked, ‘‘Do the wings flap when we take off?’’ Fear of the unknown can be a terrible thing. But when it comes to flying, if you focus on everything that will be happening once you get to your destination (reconnecting with loved ones, the vacation of a lifetime, business opportunities, or just a weekend of fun at a place you’ve always wanted to go), it’ll make the flight seem that much more enjoyable and speedy. And for those of you who really don’t know, to answer the question, no, the wings don’t flap when you take off. If they ever do, make them stop the plane and then go choose a different airline.
Death. Sure, it’s a reality, but since we don’t know those expiration dates we talked about, none of us really knows where or when it’s going to happen, do we? I wonder how many people are still walking around today who thought twenty years ago they were a goner. Don’t waste your life worrying about your death. When it happens, you’ll be the first one to know.
Sickness. Even if we take all the precautions possible (wear surgical masks, stay away from people, sterilize our dishes four or five times), we can still get sick. Sure, it’s wise not to put ourselves in situations where we are exposed unnecessarily to germs. But we don’t have to hide away in our basements trying to escape from them, either. Again, a happy balance is the best. If you’re still not sure, skip back a few pages to The Paranoid’s Guide to Life.
Deep water. Do you know you can drown in shallow water just as easily as you can drown in deep water? All it takes is for water to fill your lungs, and that can happen if you’re lying fac
e-down by the steps of the kiddie pool as well as in the twelve-foot-deep section. I (Martha) had a near drowning experience once. (I know I’m blond, but it wasn’t because I couldn’t shut off the drinking fountain.) It was a real drowning experience, so water is a fear of mine. But I admit that sometimes it’s an irrational fear. The ‘‘No Lifeguard’’ sign over my bathtub is probably taking things a little too far. (Yes, I really do have one.)
Financial problems. They say the number one thing that couples fight about is money. Usually it’s the lack of it, but believe it or not, in some instances it’s the abundance of it. If you don’t think too much money can be a problem, just follow an estate dispute after some rich relative dies. People who have been close since birth will suddenly not speak to one another for the rest of their lives—over what? Uncle Buford’s double-wide trailer and his forty shares of Studebaker stock?
The apostle Paul warned us about this attitude when he said that he had learned to be content in all things. He said, ‘‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want’’ (Philippians 4:12). In other words, if you have the money to cruise the Mediterranean this summer, be content. If all you can afford is a pedal-boat ride at a local amusement center, be content. If you’re living in a mansion, be content. If you’re sleeping in the broom closet at work, be content. If you’re eating steak and lobster, be content. If you’re eating corn dogs and goldfish crackers, be content. Those who have learned to adjust to their circumstances are the ones who won’t break when the going gets tough and the money gets going.
Insects and bugs. Sure, bugs are icky. No one likes to put their feet under a blanket and find a daddy longlegs down there waiting to jump on you. But do insects and bugs really deserve the power we’ve given them? Let’s face it, we’re a whole lot bigger than they are. They’re the ones who should be fearing us. But do they? Seriously, do they? No, they laugh at us. They see us cowering behind the sofa whenever we see one of them up in the corner of our ceiling. They’re at least eight feet away from us and we’re frozen in fear. They hear us screaming for our spouse to bring us a shoe, a board, or some other ‘‘weapon,’’ and you know they’ve got to be laughing their little opisthosomata off over all of this drama. We can easily step on these creatures, we can flatten them in less than a second, yet the very thought of them keeps us up at night and has us paying a hundred dollars every three months for an exterminator to come to our home and spray poison all over our baseboards (poison that we ourselves have to leave the house for). Does this make any sense? We even cringe looking at dead insects. What happened to our courage, people? Our ancestors used to sleep out in the desert on rocks. Who knows what kind of critters crawled across their faces in the middle of the night. But did they run and hide? Did they scream for their spouses to wake up and save them? Of course not. And don’t even get us started on flying insects. A single bee can get us running faster than an Olympic gold medalist. One wasp flying around outside our car will have us rolling up the windows and locking the doors like it was some kind of serial killer. And if it’s on our windshields, the closest we’ll get to it is our windshield wipers. How silly we must look to these creatures. When are we going to quit allowing them to control us? When are we going to stand up and finally show some courage? And when is someone going to come in here and kill that spider in the corner of the office that we’ve had our eye on for the last twenty minutes?
It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age Page 11