by Robbi McCoy
All those years ago, Jordan’s wrongdoing, if any, had been being too soft and too compassionate. Not rejecting her completely and outright had fueled Kelly’s hope that one day Jordan would be hers. She had lived on the keen edge of that hope for two years. In vain.
As she leaned against the wall, she felt despair wafting over her as hope died. She simply wasn’t what Jordan wanted, not then…and not now.
The sound of Jordan’s laugh, so familiar, jostled her from her thoughts. Dejected, she fled out the back door into the damp and frigid night, not bothering to button her coat or pull on the hood. She walked to a gravel trail that led to the road. She passed a few sleeping huskies chained to the rocks. One of them opened his eyes as she passed, then closed them again, lying half in and half out of his doghouse.
It was as close to dark as she had seen since arriving in Greenland. Steely gray clouds obscured the sun, creating an outline of soft luminescence at their boundaries. She continued on the path past the hotel’s unoccupied outdoor deck. Through the restaurant windows, she saw Chuck, Trevor and Jens at their table, still drinking and telling stories. She stood above on the road for a few minutes, watching from her place of invisibility, feeling alone and full of regret as the rain fell on her bare head. She had arrived in the Arctic with a renewed dream only to have it shattered. She would have been better off never having come here, left with her wistful memories and purely imaginary fantasies. Even if she had never been able to see Jordan again, at least her false pathetic belief that Jordan had cared for her would still be intact.
This was the lesson her mother had so frequently tried to teach her, that these infantile hopes of the perfect true love would destroy you if you kept believing in them. She had thought she understood that lesson. She had thought of herself as a realist. But apparently she was as foolish as she had ever been.
While raindrops ran down her face, she numbly watched the silent scene through the restaurant glass. Jens reeled back in his chair and slapped the table with his palm. Those guys would be there until the place closed, but she had no interest in returning to their cheerful company.
She pulled her hood over her head and snapped it in place, then walked briskly to the long, sloping road into town. Ilulissat lay below, an unusual sight with the buildings lit up, lights on the boats in the harbor, the few cars with headlights on. One of those wound its way up the hill toward the hotel.
This was a rare opportunity for photos. The light was so different tonight. But she kept walking, unable to interest herself in photography, trying to concentrate on the crunching of gravel from her boots in the hopes of driving Jordan, and even more so, Sonja, out of her mind.
* * *
“What is it you just had to tell me?” Jordan asked impatiently, clutching the lapels of her bathrobe to be certain she revealed nothing to Sonja.
“Malik called,” Sonja reported, sitting on the arm of the sofa. “He says the box with the cereal and pancake mix got soaked through and he wants us to get some more. You know how he loves his pandekager.”
Jordan laughed. “Yes, he definitely does. Is everything else okay?”
“The rain’s stopped and he says nothing else was damaged. Just a lot of slush and mud.”
“Good. We can pick up some supplies before we leave in the morning. Now I’m way past ready to go to bed, so if you don’t mind…”
Sonja stood and approached Jordan, a sultry look in her eyes. Jordan was fully aware that this report on the state of the camp was a flimsy excuse to wheedle her way into the room.
“I could stay,” she suggested, standing close, her lips curled into a simpering smile.
Jordan frowned, indicating her disapproval.
“Why not?” Sonja whined. “What harm would it do?”
Jordan took a step back. “I’m not interested.”
“Why aren’t you interested? We’re both single. Am I that horrible?”
“You’re very attractive and you know it. But that’s completely beside the point. Our relationship is a purely professional one and it’s going to remain that way.”
Sonja was attractive in the abstract, but even if she weren’t a student, she would hold no allure for Jordan. It had nothing to do with her physical appearance. Jordan resented her arrogance. She had no humility. Without it, her attitude lacked respect. Respect, maybe more than love, was what Jordan craved. She didn’t need veneration, just honest, simple respect.
Sonja sidled closer and put a hand on her cheek, caressing her gently. “You’re so hot,” she breathed. “You know I’m crazy about you. Let me stay. You won’t be sorry.”
She moved to land a kiss and Jordan caught her by the wrist and held her firmly at arm’s length. “Is that what you said to Kelly?” she demanded.
Sonja blinked, looking startled. “What?”
Jordan released her. “When you made a pass at her. Don’t you remember that?”
Sonja sputtered dismissively. “That was just harmless fun. I knew she wouldn’t take me up on it. I was just flirting. But with you, I’m deadly serious. I really want to be with you.”
“Yeah,” Jordan said flatly. “I get the impression you’d have said the same thing to Kelly if she’d shown any interest.”
“That’s not true! I love you, Jordan.” She adopted her most sincere look, but it came off so utterly phony that Jordan sputtered a derisive laugh.
“God, Sonja, I’m surprised you would even try that one!”
Sonja’s shoulders slumped in resignation. “Okay, okay. But I still think you’re hot. I’ve been out here three weeks. Three weeks! A girl gets desperate. What am I supposed to do?”
“Not my problem,” Jordan said, irritated with Sonja’s flippancy.
“Jordan,” Sonja whined, “I really like you. Give me a chance.”
“Not in this universe,” Jordan replied firmly. “You’ve been pushing the limits all along and now you’ve crossed the line. You don’t have any special status with me, Sonja. Not any more than Julie, Brian or Malik. Out here, you’re working on my team and that’s it. We’re doing a job. I know I’ve been lax around camp because I want it to seem like we’re a group of friends so we can have fun. But there are still rules.”
Sonja pouted with mock remorse.
“I’m serious,” Jordan emphasized. “I hope you believe that because there won’t be another warning. If you try anything like this again, you’re on a plane back to Denver. Now you need to go.”
Sonja nodded, her eyes lowered. Then she looked up and said, “You know, Jordan, you really should let yourself have some fun once in a while.”
“I don’t need your advice.”
After Sonja had gone, Jordan got into bed, berating herself for mentioning Kelly. That was stupid. She’d done it on impulse, reminded by Sonja’s clumsy seduction routine that she’d made a pass at Kelly. It had angered her as soon as she’d heard about it. But why? Sonja would’ve made a pass at any woman sleeping in her tent. Somehow it was worse that it was Kelly. It felt like a betrayal. But, really, how could Sonja possibly know about the feelings she was treading on?
Jordan lay in bed tormenting herself with the fantasy of what might have happened if it had been Kelly knocking on her door tonight instead of Sonja. Stupidly, that was the conclusion she had jumped to when she heard the knock. She’d thrown a bathrobe over her nightgown and flown to the door, hoping it was true. Remembering her reaction, she was embarrassed by her giddy demeanor and how disappointed she’d felt when she had opened the door to see Sonja standing there instead.
Poor Sonja, the unwitting recipient of all of that disappointment.
Of course Kelly had not come to her room. There was Pippa. Now that she had seen Pippa for herself, she could imagine that she had a kind of adorable charm that might appeal to… Jordan flung herself over onto her other side and punched the pillow. What difference did it make? It was irrelevant. It was just sex, her attraction to Kelly. Just lust. Kelly had blossomed into a gorgeous woman. Any le
sbian would have to be dead not to notice that. Nothing would ever happen between them anyway, Pippa or no Pippa. Kelly wasn’t the kind of woman who would ever settle for just sex. Unless she had changed a great deal, she would want it all. And that was the last thing Jordan wanted.
She was determined not to let Kelly keep her from another night’s sleep. Just sex, she told herself again, trying to calm her mind. It had been a while since she’d been with anyone. She just wanted a woman. The hot bath, the luxurious bed, the brandy, all of that had put her in the mood for lovemaking. She took a deep breath, trying to relax. That’s all it was, she thought, reassured, and closed her eyes. She just didn’t want to waste the room.
Chapter Twenty
The first time she had come to Camp Tootega in Nivi’s kayak, Kelly had been exhausted, dirty and mosquito bitten. After nine years, that was far from her chosen reintroduction to Jordan. So today she was determined to look good. She wore her most flattering jeans and a sweater that accentuated her bust. She had taken special care with her hair and wore no hat to make sure it stayed just so. Why was she trying to look sexy for a woman who wasn’t interested in her? She’d been asking herself that question all morning and had settled on the answer that she simply wanted Jordan to regret having rejected her all those years ago. She wanted Jordan to look at her and think, “Damn! I could have had that!” So it was a kind of revenge, she admitted to herself, aware that it was a petty move. But it would still be satisfying if it had the desired effect. Especially because of Sonja and the new wound Kelly bore from that discovery.
For the last two days she had been plagued with thoughts of Jordan with Sonja. Their coupling seemed like a cruel joke the universe had played on her. It had occurred to her that Sonja may simply be a sexual diversion, that there was no real connection between them. Even that didn’t sit well with her, but it was easier to understand than the alternative, that Jordan had sincere feelings for Sonja. If it were just sex, she reasoned, then maybe there was a place for her in Jordan’s heart after all. Against her will, that tiny remnant of hope began to flutter back into existence.
Whether to exact revenge or incite desire, her strategy for today was to get Jordan’s attention. She knew she looked good. This morning when she’d come out to the shuttle stop, Chuck had looked her over with interest and raised one eyebrow as the left side of his mouth had twitched indecisively. Her usual work clothes consisted of a T-shirt under an oversized, long-sleeved shirt and cargo pants with pockets full of gadgets. Today there was no room in her pockets for even a memory card.
Ever since she had told him she was gay, Chuck had respectfully avoided any remark that might appear to acknowledge that she was a woman, even opting to address her only by her last name. They were just buddies doing a job together. She knew that was hard for him. He wasn’t the sort to overlook gender, not in word or deed, so she appreciated his discretion.
“Go ahead,” she told him, observing his twitching lip. “You can say it.”
Encouraged, he sucked in a deep breath and said, “You look hot! Who knew you had an ass like that! You know I’m no Bible- thumper, but this morning I’m ready to fall on my knees and pray the gay away.” He swallowed, openly leering. “Curves! Sheffield has curves!”
“Okay, that’s enough,” she ordered.
He complied, saying no more, but she had caught him looking at her more than once with a covert sideways glance. Good, she thought, hoping Jordan would have the same response.
They hired a boat and pilot to take them up the coast to their destination. The sky was clear and the morning light so bright that Kelly could barely open her eyes without sunglasses on.
At the mouth of the fjord the floating ice became denser and the pilot slowed the engine, carefully steering to avoid collisions as Kelly took pictures. She knelt low on the deck to catch shots of water dripping off the sculpted edge of an iceberg, several strings of sparkling drops backlit by the sun and looking like a multistranded diamond necklace.
Her experience of this scenery was completely different today from what it had been last week when she and Nivi had paddled through this gorge. Today she could enjoy it and it was truly awesome.
As they approached the glacier, they veered left toward the moraine. Kelly mentally prepared herself for seeing Jordan. Her plan was to be cool and professional, cheerful and carefree, to reveal nothing of the hurt she carried in her heart or the feelings she had once worn on her sleeve.
Brian met them at the dock and helped Kelly unload her tripod, cameras and lens case.
“Jordan’s expecting you,” he said, walking with them toward camp. “You picked a great day for taking photos. Plenty of sunshine.”
“Hi, Kelly!”
She turned to see Sonja under the kitchen lean-to and felt an automatic wave of jealousy. She inwardly scolded herself and forced a smile.
Jordan emerged from her tent to greet them, dressed in Dockers and a long-sleeved polo shirt.
“Good morning!” she called cheerfully. “Welcome to Camp Tootega!” She gave Chuck a friendly hug. She turned her attention to Kelly and hugged her too.
If Jordan noticed how good Kelly looked, she didn’t show it. But she wouldn’t. Jordan never let her cards show. And that was exactly how Kelly would play her hand as well.
“How do you want to do this?” she asked.
“Maybe we could just chat for a few minutes,” Chuck suggested. “Get some of the basic questions out of the way. Then you can show us around.”
“Perfect. We can talk inside.” She indicated her tent.
“While you two are talking,” Kelly said, “I’ll take some shots around camp.”
Chuck followed Jordan into her tent while Kelly took her equipment and walked back downslope toward the dock, looking for a good view of the camp. Sonja was suddenly at her side.
“How’s your little friend?” she asked.
“Pippa’s doing well. She’s nearly recovered.”
“That’s great.”
Kelly put her equipment down and took some overview shots of the camp. With her camera in hand, she could ignore Sonja without appearing completely rude.
“There’s a nice view from up there,” Sonja advised, pointing to a ridge to the west. “You can see the camp with the glacier behind. Pretty cool.”
“Thanks,” Kelly said. “What’s the best way up there?”
“I’ll show you.”
Sonja, it seemed, wasn’t inclined to leave her on her own. She carried the tripod and led Kelly to a steep but manageable path up to the ridgetop. She was right. The ridge gave a photogenic view of Camp Tootega set against the Langenford Glacier with its blocky white and blue face. Kelly took some shots while Sonja sat cross-legged on a smooth slab of rock nearby. When she paused to change her lens, Sonja said, “You look great today.”
“Thanks.” Kelly dug in her bag for the lens and grabbed a wad of cotton cloth. She pulled out a rolled up pair of sweatpants. “I almost forgot I brought these back. Thanks for the loan.”
“You’re welcome.” Sonja winked, taking them from her. “You can get in my pants any time.”
Kelly eyed her critically. “Why are you coming on to me?” she demanded coolly.
“Why wouldn’t I?” Sonja hopped to her feet. “You’re freaking gorgeous. Not to mention the only eligible lesbian in the country.” Sonja laughed.
“What about Jordan?”
Sonja looked startled. “Well, technically, Jordan is an eligible lesbian, I guess. But I think she’s more likely to mate with a polar bear than me. Or you. Or anybody else.”
“I don’t understand. I thought you—”
“I like her. I do. But it won’t do me much good. It’s okay to admire from afar. Well, you understand that. You once had a crush on her too, right?”
“Yes, but nothing happened.”
“Sure. Of course!” Sonja looked like the idea of something happening was outrageous. “Same for me. Nothing’s ever going to happen there. She’
s impenetrable. There’s a reason she’s so comfortable here in the frigid Arctic. The Ice Queen, remember?”
Kelly held Sonja’s gaze, studying her to see if she was telling the truth. Or if she was just a player trying to ally herself with Kelly by pretending a shared defeat.
“So you’ve gotten nowhere with her?” Kelly asked hopefully, recalling the one treasured kiss she had received from Jordan. “Not even a kiss?”
Sonja laughed shortly. “No! All I’ve gotten is a lecture about staying in my place and the threat of being sent home. And, believe me, she means it.”
Kelly did her best not to reveal how welcome this news was. If true, it seemed that Jordan was less concerned about the feelings of her admirers than she once was. She had been so gentle with Kelly, her rejection so diffused by kindness that it had barely discouraged her. Maybe Jordan had grown harder with time. Maybe she had earned her nickname, a thought that made Sonja’s news both welcome and troubling. Even if Sonja had struck out with Jordan, it didn’t mean she was available to Kelly. Maybe The Ice Queen really was impenetrable.
After Jordan’s interview with Chuck, the clan of Camp Tootega lined up for group shots for the article. Kelly took several, then took a few with just Chuck and Jordan, enjoying looking at Jordan through her lens. After the shoot, the group went on a hike along the path of the glacier. Julie and Brian drove ahead in the ATV while the rest of them walked.
“We’ve placed three buoys on the glacier,” Jordan explained to Chuck. “We’ve got cameras mounted alongside at regular intervals as well. Stitching all that film together gives us a movie of the ice flowing.”
Chuck had his voice recorder clipped to the front of his jacket, as usual, recording the conversation. He didn’t take notes. He said that got in the way of listening.