by Melissa Hill
“I want someone,” Helen said in a low voice. “You two are so lucky with what you have and you don’t know what it’s like to be on your own, without someone to love.”
“And what about Kerry?” Laura asked impatiently. “Don’t you love her?”
“Of course I do – but not – not the way I’m supposed to – not the way other mothers do.”
“Other mothers?”
Helen looked uncomfortable. “I don’t think I feel the way I should – I – I just don’t know.”
Nicola studied her friend’s expression. She hadn’t seen Helen let her guard down like this in a very long time. And she certainly had never seen Laura behave so coldly towards her, towards anyone.
“And how should a mother feel, Helen?” Laura asked.
“I don’t know!” Helen cried. “That’s part of the problem. I don’t know how I should feel. I love her but I’ve never felt as though she was the most important thing in my life. I should feel that, shouldn’t I? I should want to kill, to die for my child!” Helen put her head in her hands. “But I don’t feel that way. I just feel . . . lonely.”
Nicola looked at her. She had no idea Helen had been battling with her feelings like this. Yes, she was selfish, Helen had always been selfish – but lonely? Nicola would never have used that word to describe her. Not when there was an army of male admirers ready and waiting at every turn.
Laura’s tone was firm. “Helen, I’m not trying to be cruel, but, with the way you’ve been behaving recently, it isn’t surprising that you feel lonely.”
“I know.”
Helen looked lost, Nicola thought. She looked as though she had been landed in a strange, unfamiliar world, a world from which she desperately wanted an escape. She couldn’t handle confrontations, real confrontations whereby she had to give a little and admit her true feelings. Helen was dying a slow death in front of Laura – her inadequacies and shortcomings laid bare for all to see.
What had she started by arguing tonight with Helen, Nicola thought sadly. This had opened a right can of worms. Although, maybe it was a good thing that this was all finally out in the open. Laura and Helen’s relationship was an unequal one, Laura’s lack of confidence causing her to feel somehow subordinate to her oldest friend, and Helen had clearly taken advantage of this. As much as she loved her friend, there was no denying that Helen had a dangerous, selfish streak in her, something that she would need to check soon, otherwise she would be looking forward to a sad, and very lonely life.
Both Helen and Neil had let Laura down very badly, and Nicola didn’t think that Helen had ever appreciated how much she had betrayed her friend. Then again, that was Helen. Although always great for a laugh, she had never been able to handle trouble. When Nicola was going through the darkest period of her life, a time when she needed her friends and as much support as she could get, Helen couldn’t be seen for dust She just wasn’t comfortable around her and it showed. Granted, Helen had her own problems, with her relationship deteriorating, so Nicola couldn’t be too critical. Yet, she knew her friend well enough to know that had life been an absolute bed of roses for Helen back then, she would still be unable to deal with Nicola’s situation.
Still, despite Helen’s faults, and seeing her standing there shamefaced in front of Laura, Nicola’s heart went out to her.
“Look, I think I should go,” Helen said quietly, her head bent low.
“Perhaps you should.” Laura was stony.
She and Nicola watched in silence while Helen retrieved her coat and bag from the cloakroom.
“The others are down at the Bottle Tower,” Laura said, her expression unreadable. “It’s a bit of a walk from here. And,” she added, coldly, “you can make your own arrangements to have Kerry collected in the future.”
Helen nodded, and opened the front door. She turned back. “Laura . . . I’m very sorry and I really mean that,” she said, unable to meet the other girl’s eyes. “Not just for the thing with Neil but . . . but for everything.”
“So you should be.” Laura gave an almost imperceptible nod of the head, and closed the door firmly behind her oldest friend.
Chapter 30
THE FOLLOWING MONDAY morning, Chloe was sitting at her office desk, depressed. She knew now that she had made a very big mistake.
She stared at her screensaver, a picture of Dan and her taken last Christmas at her mum and dad’s. Chloe loved that picture. She knew she looked particularly gorgeous in it and, looking at it now, it struck her that she really should wear purple more often. It seemed to complement her skin tone and highlight her cheekbones. She sighed. Of course, Dan was always equally striking in photographs, his attractive features lit up by that amazing grin. Their wedding photos would be truly spectacular, better than anything seen in Hello magazine.
If the wedding took place, that is.
Chloe had spent what should have been her wedding day alone in front of the television, while Dan went in to the office. He didn’t have to go in, but Chloe knew that he was trying to avoid her. He was hardly talking to her.
And to top it all off, this Nicola thing wasn’t such a big deal after all.
Chloe sighed, and checked her in-tray to see what fascinating gems her father’s partner had given her today. Stapleton looked after probate estates and transfers so no doubt everything would be mesmerising.
Why had she bothered? So what if Nicola had a miscarriage, so what if she had a little fling? Dan was right. What did it all have to do with anything now?
Her life was a mess, and she knew that most of her so-called friends were laughing behind her back. So much for the wedding of the century in The Four Seasons Hotel. So much for the Sharon Hoey wedding dress, the exotic honeymoon and the supposedly wonderful Amazing Days wedding invitations.
The bloody wedding invitations! If it wasn’t for the stupidity of that crowd in Wicklow she wouldn’t be having any of these problems now. Well, maybe the wedding would still be postponed, but at least her fiancé would be talking to her, and probably just as eager to marry her.
She was losing him and Chloe knew it. Dan was hardly at home any more and most of the time she didn’t even know where he was. They rarely spent any time together these days – she couldn’t remember the last time they had gone out for a meal, or to the cinema or any of the things he loved doing. She had apologised and explained and tried to make it better, to make him see why she felt the need to go behind his back, but Dan no longer trusted her, Chloe knew he didn’t.
She had hurt him, had displayed a complete lack of faith in him.
And because of it all, things were no longer the way Chloe wanted them to be.
Maybe that was it, though. Maybe it had all been about the way Chloe wanted it to be. If she was being completely honest with herself, did she ever once think about Dan in all of this? Had she ever been able to see past her own suspicions, worries and distrust?
No, Chloe had never once, throughout this whole – this whole hunt, search, whatever – she had never once thought about the consequences. She had worried only about what she might find, not about how it would affect her relationship. In fairness, she hadn’t expected Carolyn O’Leary to tell her as much as she had, considering the woman was supposed to be Nicola’s friend. And considering what Carolyn had told her about Shannon chasing Dan, she certainly hadn’t expected the PA to send her packing! She knew now that it was probably Shannon that had spilled the beans on her digging. At the time, it was a chance Chloe had been willing to take. She really needed to know what had happened back then to make Dan so covert about his previous marriage.
But now, she wished she hadn’t bothered. Although, if Dan hadn’t been so bloody secretive about it all in the first place, she needn’t have bothered. The way he carried on, you’d swear the reason for his marriage break-up was the third secret of Fatima! No, Chloe decided, why the hell should she beat herself up about this? Dan was as much at fault she was. Actually, if she really thought about it, none of this
was her fault. What could he expect? He wouldn’t tell her anything, so what else could she have done?
Well, there was no point in thinking about it now, Dan was mad at her and she’d already done enough damage as it was.
Chloe tried to clear her mind and to read the note Stapleton had attached to a current file. It was so bloody unintelligible; it was like transcribing the book of Kells. Didn’t the man learn how to write in school all those years ago? Obviously not.
After a while, Chloe gave up and rested a hand on her chin.
There was one thing that was still bothering her about the entire situation, and try as she might she couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was in the back of her mind all the time and she couldn’t leave it alone.
Why, she asked herself, if Nicola had done the dirt on Dan, had he fought so hard to keep her? As far as she knew Nicola and Ken Harris hadn’t run off into the sunset immediately afterwards – at the time it had just been a stupid, one-off fling.
So what else had gone wrong?
In her heart of hearts, Chloe knew that there was something else. Why else had Dan so readily agreed to the terms of the separation and divorce – most of which were in Nicola’s favour? Why had Nicola gone to London?
And, more importantly, why had Dan always said that he felt guilty?
After all, Chloe reasoned, if Nicola had been the one at fault and Dan had done nothing wrong, well, what on earth would he have to feel guilty about?
* * *
Later that afternoon, she was still daydreaming when the receptionist put a call through to her desk.
Chloe wondered if she had heard right.
“Are you sure?” she asked Carina.
The receptionist sounded hassled. “That’s what she said – line three, okay?”
Chloe’s heart pounded. What the hell did she want? If she was calling here to give Chloe a lecture, then she could go to hell . . .
“Chloe Fallon speaking.”
“Hello, Chloe, Nicola Peters here. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to introduce myself any further . . .”
Chloe was surprised. Nicola sounded . . . quite pleasant, actually. But what did she want?
“Um, hello.” Chloe was hesitant.
“Look, I won’t waste your time. I just wondered if you were free after work this evening?”
Chloe’s eyes widened as Nicola continued.
“I just think that with all that’s been happening lately, maybe we should meet and clear the air.”
“If you’re referring to my questioning your friends like that . . . I’m very sorry. I just didn’t –”
“It’s fine, Chloe. I probably would have done the same,” Nicola interjected breezily. “Anyway, do you think you could pop over to my house for a coffee later – after work, maybe? I’m in Stepaside.”
Now Chloe was really frightened. Was this some kind of ploy?
“I’m not sure . . .”
“I’d really like to meet you, Chloe.”
Overwhelming curiosity eventually made the decision for her. She was dying to find out what Nicola was like. Despite all the information she had gleaned about her over the last while, there was no substitute for meeting Dan’s ex-wife face to face. Dan mightn’t be too happy though, she thought worriedly. Then again what could he say? Nicola had invited her; it wasn’t as though she was going behind anyone’s back or anything.
Chloe swivelled around in her seat. To hell with the consequences, she’d go.
“OK,” she said to Nicola. “Just give me directions and I’ll call over after work, maybe six?”
“Great.” Nicola sounded pleased. “I’m really looking forward to it.”
So am I, Chloe thought, her thoughts going a mile a minute as she wrote down Nicola’s address on a Post-it note.
So am I.
* * *
Dan drove slowly through Stepaside village, trying to spot the turnoff to Nicola’s house.
He was looking forward to seeing her again – probably a lot more than he should be, he thought wryly, reminding himself yet again that he was about to marry somebody else. Still, he was glad they would have the chance to talk, and he was ashamed and more than a little embarrassed about the whole situation with Chloe. He also knew that Nicola would no doubt by now have figured out that Carolyn had blabbed about her. He would have to try and explain that to her too, although he certainly wasn’t going to admit the whole truth – that one night he and John’s wife had somehow ended up in bed together.
Dan shook his head. He had regretted that almost immediately, especially when Carolyn had begun to practically stalk him afterwards! Talk about timing! Dan didn’t know what had come over him that night. At that stage he had been so upset about Nicola and everything and even thought he might have to sell out his share of the business. It had been a tough, dark period in his life and Dan needed solace. Carolyn had been only too happy to oblige.
The thing is, Dan knew that Carolyn was a twisted, jealous bitch. He knew that her own marriage was in tatters, that she couldn’t bear the fact that John had been cheating with Shannon. God knows he had had enough of listening to the two of them, with all their moaning and whingeing about John. Carolyn was a warped woman and had tried her very best to drag Dan down with her. She had almost succeeded too but for once – just once in his life – Dan had managed to put somebody else before himself.
And that was why he had let Nicola go. He wasn’t good enough for her, he knew that. There was no point in trying to pretend that everything would be OK, that they could pick up the pieces and go on as normal. They weren’t strong enough for that – he wasn’t strong enough for that. Once he had been tempted by Carolyn, Dan was made only too aware of his own limits. A marriage would need to be solid as a lump of titanium to get through the whole thing and at that stage the strength of Dan and Nicola’s marriage had been tested way too often.
No, he had done the right thing by leaving Nicola when he did.
Yet, after all these years, Dan was convinced that he and Nicola had unfinished business – business they hadn’t even scratched the surface of at their last meeting. Again, he didn’t know what he had been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the strong and confident Nicola he had met that day. OK, she had put on quite a lot of weight but she had still looked so well and so content that it was almost frightening.
Then again, Dan thought, he should have known that Nicola would survive. She had always been the stronger one, hadn’t that been proved over and over throughout their short marriage? No, he was the one who had fallen to pieces, who had let her down in the worst way imaginable. But was it possible that Nicola now might be ready to forgive – even forget?
Dan really hoped so.
He had been thrilled at Nicola’s invitation to her house tonight – especially for dinner – well, in retrospect he hadn’t been quite sure she had actually mentioned dinner but obviously that was what she’d intended. He knew this was a breakthrough; she wouldn’t have let him near the place a couple of months ago. Anyway, he’d decided to come a little bit earlier than they’d agreed on the phone, so he could maybe give her a hand with preparing dinner. That was something they used to really enjoy when they were together and perhaps might make things a bit more relaxing and less formal than just him turning up when everything was ready. Dan was really looking forward to sampling some of his ex-wife’s fantastic cooking. Nic had always been a whiz in the kitchen and usually went all out with her culinary creations. Dan had really missed that – Chloe could barely make toast.
And this supposed ‘thing’ she had with Harris at the moment couldn’t be up to much if Nicola was inviting her ex round for dinner now, could it? Dan wasn’t too worried. If there was a chance that he and Nicola could make amends, then Harris could just go and feck off for himself.
Suddenly spying the turnoff, Dan indicated and quickly jammed on the brakes. The loud blast of a horn behind him suggested that he hadn’t specified his intentions fast enough.
&
nbsp; “Indicate this!” Dan grinned, giving the other driver the finger before turning off to his left. He continued on a little way down the road, recalling the instructions Nicola had given him. “About half a mile down, yellow bungalow, third house on the left.”
Dan was surprised she had bought a bungalow; Nicola had always hated that type of house. “Unimaginative and functional,” she had said, when she and Dan were making plans to buy a house of their own. “No character whatsoever.”
Nicola had fallen in love with a chalet-style house she had seen for sale in the Wicklow Mountains once, a mammoth place with indigenous stonework, woodwork and ‘tons of personality’. That had been some house, Dan thought, shaking his head in wonder. He had been partial to the place too; it was ideal for a dynamic, up-and-coming businessman like himself and had been without doubt their idea of the ‘perfect house’. Not for the first time, Dan wondered how their life together would have turned out, had things not gone sour.
And after all that, Nicola had settled for a bungalow. Why? It couldn’t have been the money; financially she was pretty well off at this stage. And it wasn’t as though she was stuck for choice; there were lots of period-style houses in this area, particularly in Bray or Enniskerry. If Nicola loved character so much, why didn’t she go for one of those? Dan considered this for a few moments and then, realising his stupidity, mentally slapped himself on the forehead. Gobshite!
Seeing a row of houses come into view on his left, Dan slowed his driving, deciding that he must be almost there.
One, two three . . . Dan mentally counted the houses, and then trailed off as he spied what must be Nicola’s house
“What the . . . ?” he said out loud, puzzled. Right in front of him, pulling into Nicola’s driveway, was none other than Chloe’s Rav4. But it couldn’t be . . . why would she be . . . ?
Dan’s heart raced with panic as he watched his fiancée stop the Jeep. Chloe got out, took a quick, uncomfortable look around and seemed unsure as she locked the car door.