by Cate, Marnie
“I told Gram when I came back and we both agreed that there was no reason to upset you because it meant nothing. It meant nothing.” I said, squeezing his hand tightly. “It was only about learning about the magic.”
“If it meant nothing, you should have told me. You shouldn't keep secrets from me. You can't keep things from me to protect me, Mar,” he insisted.
“I won't. My intention was never to deceive you,” I promised.
As we sat in silence just staring into each other's eyes, I wasn't sure what I should say or do to make things better. My father stood up, picking up the plate of cookies and carried it away.
“I am going to put these away if Cole is just going to crumble them,” he joked. “They are too delicious to waste.”
Popping one into his mouth, he said, “Delicious. We need to put these kids to work and have them do all the cooking. Don't you think, Caterpillar?”
Caterpillar was the name he called me as a child. He always told me that one day I would grow into the powerful butterfly. Back then, I would bask in his praise but now the thought scared me. I was not sure who I was anymore or what I would become. The only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to make my grandmother proud.
“They are pretty good. We should put those two to work,” I agreed.
“Head off to bed soon, guys. We need to go over the plans to add the extension to the house. We are going to need more room, right?” he said. “We are going to fill this house with my grandchildren.”
Smiling, I said, “In time.”
“He's right. We should go to sleep. It has been a long day for both of us,” I agreed.
“Ok, I will be along shortly. Go on without me,” Cole said. His voice was still filled with sadness. How could I hurt someone I love so badly?
Reluctantly, I left the kitchen. Stopping in the hallway, I called out to him. “I love you, Cole. I need you to know how much I do love you,” I said, my voice cracking.
“I know, Mar,” he said. “I love you, too. I will be there soon after I check on Miles and Meg.”
Chapter 4
Entering my grandmother's room, I took a deep breath inhaling her lingering scent. The sweet smell of vanilla, lavender and cinnamon surrounded me. It almost felt like her warm, comforting hug. Closing my eyes, I softly began to pat my own hand the way my grandmother would. Even though it wasn't her hand, it still comforted me. It gave me a feeling of her presence.
After Gram had died, Miles and Meg had decided to share a room. Moving my things out of the loft, we rearranged the space for Miles to have a room of his own but be able to be with his new half-sister. Meg and Miles had formed a bond instantly and he was not ready to be alone quite yet.
While Cole and I had moved into Gram's room, we could only sleep in her bed at night. All of our things were kept on the patio. Taking over her room felt wrong. It was too soon. I was not ready for her death to be real. I wondered what she would think of Cole and me sleeping in her bed. Her words of caution of moving too fast and being full of regret were with me. Cole was always a gentleman and had been the one to stop anything intimate from going too far.
After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I climbed into the king size mahogany bed and snuggled deep into the feather mattress pad. Hiding under the mauve colored comforter, I laid on my side hugging a pillow and going over all that had happened in the last month. Since I had found out my mother had left us for Cedric Drygen, I was thrown into this new world of magic that I was supposed to protect. I was feeling overwhelmed. I needed Gram here to talk to me about everything and help me learn about the magic inside me.
Drifting off to sleep with thoughts of Gram, the elemental world and Kai filled my dreams. As I danced with the elementals, I found myself laughing in delight under the star filled sky. When the music slowed, I found myself again in the arms of Kai. Holding me close, he began to spin me around. Spinning and spinning until I felt dizzy, I pleaded for him to stop.
As the world around me slowed, I found myself no longer in the arms of Kai but instead I was dancing with Snowystra. Trying to break the hold she had on me was hopeless. As she tightly grabbed my wrist, she pulled me closer.
“You are losing him. He is going to leave you,” she whispered in my ear. Her breath felt so cold that my ears tingled. “All because of your lies, he will not want you anymore. You know you really want to be with Kai. You crave excitement, not the boring boy from your childhood. Come with me, Mara and I will bring you what you long to have.”
“You lie,” I screamed at her, trying to push her away from me. “You are not going to destroy us.” Tearing my arm out of her clutched fingers, I felt the burn of her fingertips. Laughing, she faded away.
Jolted out of sleep, I awoke in the safety of my grandmother's bed. Trembling, I glanced around the room. Trying to convince myself that it was just a dream and that I was safe, I vowed that I would not lose Cole.
“Cole,” I whispered. Patting the spot where he should have been fast asleep, I found an empty space.
Scared that my dream was right, I searched the house for him. He was nowhere to be found. My mind began to race. Where would he go? Pacing back and forth in the kitchen, my eyes landed on the journal in the center of the kitchen table and I knew where he had gone.
Throwing on the first jacket and shoes I found, I stepped onto the front porch and was blasted with a cold air. Glad that I had chosen to put on a jacket, I wrapped my arms around me trying to keep in the warmth. As I walked down the faintly lit street, the familiar click of the silver beetle and the distant sound of the hoot owl seemed to warn of danger lurking.
When I arrived at Cole's house, I walked past the now vacant lot through the ash covered ground. Cole's childhood home had been burned by my mother in retaliation for my cold greeting when I saw her again for the first time after four years and my refusal to leave my home and go with her.
Walking through the remnants, my heart sunk. Cole's house had been a second home to me. His mother, Sarah, welcomed me always with a smile, a story and a warm hug. When she died, Cole had been devastated but Gram had been there to welcome him into our family and help him through the shock of her sudden death. Gram became a replacement maternal figure to a young man still needing a mother. When she died, he felt the loss as much as Meg and I did.
When I reached the cottage behind the now empty lot, I noticed a small light was on inside. Jiggling the door, I found it hadn't been locked. The cottage smelled faintly of smoke left over from the fire with the familiar hint of pinecones and vanilla. Cole had kicked off his shoes, leaving them in the middle of the large room and had strewn his jacket across one of the sturdy wooden chairs
I found the hatch door to the basement open and I knew Cole was in his mother's studio. Carefully, I walked down the spiral staircase trying to be quiet and find out what he was doing here. As I counted the stairs in my head, I noticed the intricate web designs that the spiders had created. There seemed to be even more than before. Forcing back my urge to run from the green spiders with their long legs and small silver eyes, Gram's words from my childhood calmed me. There is no reason to be afraid, Mara. The spiders won't hurt you if you leave them alone.
Taking a deep breath, I continued until I reached the last step. Cole was sitting on a stool in front of a large canvas. Deep in thought, he dipped the brush into the paint from the palette he held and delicately covered the canvas. Not wanting to break his concentration, I sat down at the bottom staircase and stared in amazement at the moment he had created.
Cole had painted a picture of our family. An image of my grandmother at the stove with a spoon stirring something in a pot with one hand and a smile of delight on her face as she looked on at everyone seated at the kitchen table. Meg and Miles sat next to each other with my father across from them, scooping food onto their lifted plates. Cole and I were sitting close to each other and I was feeding him a bit of my food.
As I continued to watch him work, tears welled up in my
eyes. He had captured, in one picture, what I had hoped would have been our future. As he continued to add detail to the painting, I realized that he had included his mother. Sarah stood at the butcher table, looking on proudly at her son.
Shifting myself slightly, the board I was sitting on made a small creak. Cole looked my way and our eyes met. For the longest time, we just stared at each other.
After a few minutes of silence, he finally asked, “How long have you been watching me?”
“Not very long,” I said. “I just wanted to let you be in the moment.”
Standing up, I walked over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. “It is really nice, Cole. I didn't know you wanted to paint again. You are really talented. You should not have given it up.”
“I just didn't feel like painting after she died,” he said. “I didn't think it would make me feel happy but I was wrong. There is something comfortable and peaceful that happens when I paint.”
“Have you made other paintings?”
“Just a few sketches here and there,” he admitted. “Nothing that great.”
“Are you going to let me see them?”
“Maybe one day,” he said with a sly smile as he wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on me. “We should go home. Elliott is going to worry if he sees we are missing.”
Running my fingers through his hair, I whispered, “He won't know we are gone if we stay a bit longer.”
Releasing myself from his tight hold on me, I sat on his lap saying in my most seductive voice, “Cole, you can't run from me. You are stuck with me forever.”
Sweeping his hair out of his eyes, I cupped his face in my hand and kissed him. Grabbing me, he pulled me into his arms and our soft kisses quickly turned stronger. Being in his arms, I felt safe and I was able to ignore the negative voice that kept telling me that I did not deserve his love. I could not lose him.
Suddenly, he pulled away from me. His eyes looked ice blue in the light of the studio. Glaring at me he accused, “Did you kiss him like that?”
Unsure how to answer, my faltering for words infuriated him.
“So, you did?” he said, not hiding his anger and distrust.
“Yes, he did kiss me,” I confirmed.
“He kissed you,” he said with irritation. “You played no part in what happened?”
Not wanting to be evasive or withhold details anymore about Kai, I decided it was time to tell him the truth.
“Yes, when I met Kai he did kiss me and I immediately slapped him across the face. He apologized. I already told you about falling off the cliff and almost drowning. When Kai saved me, I became confused and enchanted by him. When I was taken to the New Moon Celebration with the elementals, we danced and drank. I became caught up in the moment. Yes, I kissed him. But, then you appeared and I knew what was real. I instantly regretted what I had done and I begged you not to leave. I knew at that moment that losing you would be unbearable.”
“What would have happened if I had not shown up?” he asked
“But, you did Cole and we can't focus on what ifs,” I said. “We can only worry about what is happening now and in the future. If you can't trust me, we won't be together.”
The energy seemed to slip out of Cole. With his shoulder slouched forward, he said, “Mar, I can't lose you.”
“Cole, you are not going to lose me. We will be together—not in a mansion and not with hundreds of children. But, we will be in our lovely home with our children and I repeat not hundreds. Then, we will grow old together with our family around us and we will have our fairy tale happily ever after.”
Cole brightened a little before he said, “I meant it when I said no more secrets. I am glad you told me everything that you experienced in that world.”
“No matter what happens or where this life takes me, I will always come back to you, Cole.” I said. “I promise no more secrets and I need you to promise to not sneak away again in the middle of the night.”
Laughing he said, “I promise. Now let's go home.”
Chapter 5
Cole and I spoke very little before we went to sleep. There was still a feeling of unresolved issues in my heart and I knew that Cole was not satisfied with my answers. We quickly had said all would be all right but his hurt feelings and doubt were not going to just go away. Falling into a dreamless sleep, I woke to the bright light of the day. The space in the bed beside me was empty. My heart sunk. Was I going to lose him?
Shaking off the words of loss and abandonment that Snowystra had planted in my head, I decided to leave the warmth of the bed to join my family. As I opened the bedroom door, the sounds of Meg and Miles filled the hallway. Forcing myself to put on a smile, I told myself to be happy.
In the kitchen, I found Cole at the sink washing dishes and handing them off to my siblings to be dried.
As Cole tried to hand a plate to Miles, Meg whined, “No fair! It was my turn.”
Swooping in my father took the plate with a big grin on his face and said, “I think you are mistaken. It was my turn.” Taking the dishtowel from her hand, he whistled as he dried the dish.
“You can dry the next one, Meg,” Miles offered.
“Hate to disappoint you both but that was the last one,” Cole laughed. Handing them a wet rag from the sink, he joked, “Now you can argue over who gets to clean the kitchen table.”
Snatching the cloth from him, Meg ran off laughing with Miles following closely behind.
“They are characters,” my father said proudly. “We are lucky to have Miles here with us. Best thing to come out of Eliza and Cedric's union.” His face darkened with those words.
“You love her still?” Cole questioned. “She pushed you away from your family. You lost so much time with Meg and Mara. How could you, after all that she has done?” His words were like a knife to my heart. I couldn't help wondering if he was questioning his feelings for me.
“You can't just turn off love and the love I felt for Eliza was deep,” he admitted. “Anytime you open your heart you take the chance of the love you have to give not being reciprocated. You think too much, Cole. Don't…”
“You are awake,” the cries of Meg and Miles interrupted the conversation. Running to greet me, they both threw their arms around me.
“We saved you breakfast,” Miles said as he clasped my hand and began to drag me to the table. “Come sit down and we can bring it to you.”
“Okay, Okay,” I chuckled at their enthusiasm, “I will come sit down.”
Cole joined me at the table and held out a blue mug to me. Carefully accepting the steaming cup, I took a small sip. He had made Gram's signature coffee—a strong black coffee with a generous sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar and an even more generous splash of cream. The sweet concoction made me smile.
“Thank you, all. What a nice morning surprise,” I said sincerely. “Now that I slept the best part of the morning away, what should we do today?”
“Elliott and I were going to start getting lumber for the house addition and Meg wants to go to dance class. Why don't you spend the day with Miles?” Cole suggested.
Miles appeared next to Cole with a look of anticipation.
“I think that is a great idea,” I said to Miles. “What do you think we should do today?”
“I think we should—” he said, tapping his pointer finger to his lip. “I think we should have a picnic and then we should go to the lake and swim.”
Thoughts of the night before came to mind and frightened me. I did not want to run into Snowystra with Miles. Cole wasn't able to resist her temptations very well. How well would a small child?
“Why don't we have a picnic and play it by ear on what to do after. You never know what can happen when you are having a picnic in our backyard,” I said mischievously. “Why we could run into a big bad wolf or three little pigs, or maybe, just maybe, the king of the trout will appear.”
As if on cue, Cole began his best impersonation of the king of the trout, snapping a
nd growling. Both children screamed in fright and ran away from him. Shrieks filled the room as they scrambled up the loft ladder. “That should buy us a few minutes,” he said.
“What are your plans after you get lumber,” I said. “Maybe we should plan to do something together tonight?”
Cole said, “Maybe. It just depends on how much we get done.”
Trying to not let him see how disappointed I was by his response, I just nodded. Feeling like I had been dismissed, my mind began to race with questions. The worry that was building in my heart felt like it would overflow. Were we going to be done over one mistake? One mistake that wasn't even real since my body had been lying by him the entire time. Was he ever going to forgive me for what happened?
Turning back to my breakfast. I ate and drank silently listening to my father and Cole making plans. After I finished eating and began to wash my dishes, I drifted back to the memory of being in the elemental world and Kai. My mind wandered and filled with the feeling of his warm touch and the kisses we had shared.
“Mara,” the voice of Miles called, interrupting my recollection, “can we go on our picnic?”
Glancing around, I realized that we were alone. “Did everyone leave already?” I asked, confused by how long I had been at the sink.
“They left a while ago,” he said with concern on his face. “You have just been staring out the window for a really long time.”
Looking down at the dish in my hand, I finished washing it and handed him the plate. “If you dry this and put it away, I will go throw some clothes on and we can start planning for our picnic.”
“Let me go get ready and then we will be off,” I promised. Calling from the hallway, I warned, “Don't use anything sharp without me. I will just be a minute.”
“I won't,” he said, as he wagged a wooden stirring spoon at me. “This is going to be the best day ever.”