by Cate, Marnie
Miles returned carrying a redheaded toddler on his hip. She clapped and smiled when she saw us.
“She's not a baby,” I said, in surprise. “She has your green eyes.”
“Doesn't she look like Essie?” my father said. “She just turned two.”
“She is such a happy baby,” I commented.
“You should hear her when she's cranky,” Meg said. “Lucky for us, she is happy most of the time.”
As Miles finished with Charlie's greeting, he returned to his seat. As he began to sit, Charlie whined and held her arms out to Cole.
“It looks like you have charmed another of my daughters,” my father said.
“Do you want to hold her?” Miles asked.
Cole hesitantly smiled and held out his arms. “Sure.”
“Hello, little Charlie. I am your…What am I? I guess I am your…I guess I am your brother, Cole.”
Charlie giggled saying, “Co, Co.”
“Yes, Cole and I will be here to tell you so many stories your head will turn. When you are older, I will tell you all about the king of the snapping trout,” he said.
“Trou, trou,” she said, as she bounced on his lap. Reaching out to his plate, she grabbed a handful of his untouched mashed potatoes and shoved it in her mouth.
“She gets that from me,” Meg said with a smirk.
Yawning I said, “I hate to be a party pooper but can we take a rain check? I am a little tired.” The truth was that I was overwhelmed with all of the change around me.
“Of course, we were being greedy. We should have realized,” my father said.
“It's ok,” I said. “It is exactly what we needed. Being here with all of you is what I have been longing for.”
“You are home,” Essie said, hugging me. “We haven't fixed your room yet….”
“I would like to stay in Gram's room,” I said.
“Of course, that is perfect,” Meg said. “Now off to bed you two. You will be up and at it bright and early. We won't be wasting the beautiful day.”
“You sound like Gram,” Cole said with a sad smile. Meg beamed at the compliment.
* * *
We said our goodnights and we returned to the room. Cole was unusually silent as he sipped another glass of Arianolwyn's tonic. Christina had insisted we both drink a glass before bed.
“There is going to be a lot of changes to get used to, huh,” Cole said.
“But, there is a lot the same,” I said, climbing under the covers and slipping into his arm. “Didn't you feel how much love there is in this home? They all had continued with their lives while we were gone but we were not forgotten. I know it was overwhelming to be surrounded by our family so soon but we needed to be with them. I hope that Gram was able to stop worrying about me. When Danu showed her to me, she wasn't doing very well. My only consolation is that time there is different and she was with my grandfather.”
The nightstand began to rattle and we jumped out of the bed. Opening the nightstand, Cole found the silver journal. The last time I had seen it was in Great Winds.
“I wonder if it will open this time,” he said.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, we were able to open the book. Turning the pages, we found the inscription.
To my Cole and Mara: May your many years of blessings also include the love of your family. You are loved.
Flipping to the next page, I saw Beginnings written in Gram's handwriting. Below she had written.
The story of my mother, Genevieve and her friends on their path to becoming the protectors of the magic.
The story was about how the elementals saved Danu with the help of my great grandmother and her friends. As we finished reading, the nest mirror began to glow and Gram appeared.
“It is wonderful to see you both back at home. I can be at peace now knowing how strong you are,” she said.
Taking Cole by the hand, she said, “Forgive yourself. You are brave and strong enough to get through this. You are a good man, Cole and my granddaughter deserves a good man. You are more than her husband. You were my first grandson.”
Violently, the room began to shake and the lights flickered. Suddenly a white orb appeared in front of my grandmother.
Two Miezitari children appeared with Faramond.
“Follow us, Mae. It is time,” the small child like voices said in unison. “We are all waiting for you.”
“I am ready. You are right. It is time for me to go. No fussing. No goodbyes. Just we will see you again soon. Remember to follow your heart, my loves,” she said.
Faramond's took my grandmother's hand and bowed to me. “Your sacrifice has saved my people. We will meet again, Mara and Cole. You are always welcome in my home.”
As they faded away, we just held each other. Knowing that Gram was being escorted to the Afterlife by Faramond and the Miezitari, I knew she would be safe.
When we were alone, Cole sat on the chest at the end of the bed. “She's wrong, Mar. I am not a good man.”
“No more of this,” I said. “We can't do this forever. It was not your fault.”
Taking his hand, I tugged him to the bed, “You are exhausted. You just need time to heal.”
Snuggled under the covers, I tried to push back the fear I felt. I had brought him home but he was so hurt. Wrapping his arms around me, I inhaled his familiar scent and melted into his touch. As I released my hold, he held me tighter as if he was afraid that I was going to leave.
Kissing him gently, I whispered, “You're a good man, Cole. You are good man. Please forgive yourself.”
Falling asleep in his arms, I prayed that in the morning he would begin to forgive himself.
Chapter 65
The sounds of pots and pans in the kitchen and noisy conversation woke me. The bright sun was shining in through the curtains. Stretching, I realized that Cole had already left the bed. Leaving the comfort of the bed, I wrapped myself in Gram's robe and went to the kitchen.
“Mar, you are awake,” Meg said. “You always want to sleep the day away.”
“It was so comfortable in Gram's bed,” I said, kissing her cheek and taking the coffee she handed me.
“Well, come join us for breakfast,” she said.
“Tell Cole I made his favorite,” Miles called from the stove. “Tell him to come eat it while it is hot or before Meg eats it.”
“Ha, ha, smarty,” Meg said, tousling his hair. “Ooh that does look good. You might want to deliver the warning.”
“Cole isn't there,” I said, feeling a sense of fear building inside me.
Essie and my father eyed each other.
“He isn't in the room?” my father asked.
“No, maybe he went to his cottage,” I said, trying to be calm.
There was no point in searching the room. Cole was not there and he didn't leave a note saying where he had gone.
Throwing on clothes, I returned to the kitchen. “He is not here. He must be in the studio. I will go check.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Meg asked.
“No, I am sure he is there,” I said.
Walking down the street, I was unsure which Cole I would find. The dark magic might not have been removed and I wondered if I should have gone alone. When I reached the spot where the house had burned, I saw no signs of a house ever being there. Instead, it was a grassy area. Entering the cottage, I went straight to the closet leading to the studio. It was closed. Opening it, I made the climb down the stairs.
“I met some of your cousins,” I said to the spiders building their webs.
Cole was not in the studio. Searching the room, I found a sketchpad opened to a drawing of me. He must have done it when I wasn't looking. My hair was blowing in the wind as I gazed off into the distance. Flipping through it, I saw pictures of me beginning in my pre-teen years. He had captured some of my favorite times spent with him. The next picture was not of me. It was of Snowystra. She was stretched out on a chair holding out her arm as if posing for him. The next se
veral pictures were of her also. Ripping them out of the book, I tore them up. Calling Fire, I burned the pages. Returning to the book to destroy any other record of her, there was only one last sketch. Cole had drawn us on our wedding day. Closing the book, I left the table and search for any clues to where Cole had gone.
There was a painting drying on the easel that looked new. He had made another painting of our family in the kitchen. In the picture, Miles and I sat together laughing next to Meg, who was holding Charlie. My father and Essie were at the butcher block chopping something and grinning. Gram was at the stove facing my grandfather posed as if sneaking in to steal a bite. Sarah and my mother were standing at the sink washing and drying dishes. Hazel and Patrick were even in the picture. He was slipping a ring onto her finger and she beamed with pride. The picture was perfect except it was missing someone. Cole wasn't in it.
At the bottom of the easel, I found a rolled up scroll. Nervously untying the ribbon and unrolling the paper, my heart sank as I read it.
Mara,
Last night realized that it was unfair of me to stay here until I am healed…until I have learned to forgive myself…until I know that I am safe to be around. The things that I did in that world are too unbearable to remember. I have to repair what I broke before I can be the man you deserve.
When I took your hand in marriage, I promised to love and take care of you. I have not done this. I betrayed your trust and your heart. I destroyed everything and if I don't go now, I will only hurt you.
I would have told you this in person but you would have stopped me. You would have told me to stop being ridiculous…we will figure it out. I would look into your beautiful brown eyes and want to believe you. My love, you would have been wrong. Only I can heal myself and I cannot put you through what I need to accept in order to be the man you deserve.
Please forgive me for leaving you without a goodbye. I promise you I will return
I will love you always Mara.
~ Cole
My tears fell onto the letter. “No, no, no,” I cried. “You can't do this, Cole. You can't leave me like this.”
Dropping the sketchbook, I began pacing, muttering to myself. “He's wrong. He can't be far. I will go to him.”
Leaving the cottage, I ran to the house. When I entered the room, I called out. “He's gone. He's gone.”
“Who's gone? Did you not find Cole?” my father said, taking the note I held out to him.
“He just left me. He just left…me,” I said, sitting on the overstuffed chair.
“Oh Mara,” Meg said, as she wrapped her arms around me. “He's not gone forever. He will be back.”
“I don't think so, Meg,” I sobbed.
Angry at myself for not listening to him, for not letting him express his concerns, for not wanting to hear all of the horrible things that he had done while we were there. I didn't let him tell me because I didn't want to know. I had seen him in the alley with Snowystra. I had seen him with the women in the tunnels. I had known that there was more to his time there than what I saw. But, I also knew that wasn't Cole. It wasn't the real Cole. It wasn't my Cole.
“Here. Let me get you some tea or something to eat,” Meg said, trying to comfort me.
“No, I just need to be alone,” I said, taking the letter and walking back to Gram's room. Crawling into the bed, I hugged the pillow and cried.
I cried for my lost time, for the loss of my family, for my lost love. My tears were uncontrollable until I drifted off into sleep. Waking me, Meg insisted that I get up and join them for dinner. I went through the motions of getting ready but I was numb. I felt like I wasn't really there. I didn't want to be without Cole. I might as well have stayed with Snowystra. I was dead inside.
“You need to get it together, Mara,” Meg said. “If he left, it was because he knew he needed to fix himself for you. He will be back before you know it. He will feel worse if he sees you in this state.”
“I don't care how he feels. He abandoned me. He left me. He snuck away in the middle of the night like a coward,” I said. “Why would he do that?”
“He's confused, Mara.”
“Do you know where he went?” I snapped at her.
“No, I don't but I am sure that we will find him,” she said.
“He didn't tell me where he was going. He just left me,” I said.
“Mara, you need to take care of yourself, too. The darkness inside him was deep. He had more time there without protection.”
“I know that. I know all of this but HE LEFT ME!” I shouted. “Cole left me.”
Laying my head back on a pillow, I began to cry.
“Don't cry, Mar,” Meg said, “We will find him.”
“No it doesn't matter,” I said.
“It does matter,” Meg said, sitting next to me and holding my face in her hands. Forcing me to sit up, she said, “You both have been through so much. You saw things that you don't forget because you came home.”
My sister sounded far older and wiser than her fourteen years. She hugged me tightly. “He will come back when he is ready but you have to take care of yourself now. You are not well either.”
“It doesn't matter,” I said.
“Mara, you need to heal not just for yourself. You need to worry about the life inside you,” Meg scolded.
“What are you talking about?” I said, glaring at her.
“You don't know? I thought you were waiting to tell me,” she said, sounding surprised. “Come with me, now.”
Taking my hands, she dragged me to her room. Standing me in front of the mirror, she stood behind me. Wrapping her arms around me, she rested her hands on my stomach. “There inside you. Don't you feel the life growing?”
Looking at the bump on my stomach, I said, “What are you talking about? That is just from the food we have been eating since being here.”
“You've only been here a few days. That is not because of food,” she said. “Take off your shirt and look.”
“Fine,” I said, removing my shirt. “See. I just put on weight.”
Turning me sideways, she put her hand on the bump on my stomach. “Look again. You haven't felt well since you came back. You are pregnant. Like it or not, you are going to have a baby,” she said. “Don't you feel the life inside you? You and Cole created this. This is your baby.”
Rubbing the small curvature of my stomach, I knew she was right. “How did I not notice it? How did you know?” I asked, my eyes welling up with tears. “How did this happen?”
“If you have to ask this, we have more to talk about than you being pregnant.”
“I know how it happens but how did you know? I am barely showing.”
“My earth magic has grown strong. I don't know why but I just seem to know when new life is around me.”
“Okay so I am pregnant…how am I going to raise a baby on my own?”
“On your own? You are very much not alone,” she scolded. “Now that is just insulting. You have all of us. Miles, Dad, Essie, Oma, Patrick and the elementals. You have the blessings of Danu. What else could you ask for? And don't forget you have Hazel, Patrick and me. You know that I will be the best auntie ever.”
“But, my child won't have a father,” I said, the tears falling down my cheeks. “Another child without their dad because of her.”
“Your baby will have a father. He's not gone forever. He just needs to make peace with the past five years.”
“Come with me,” she said. “We will tell everyone the great news. We need to celebrate this gift.”
“I… I can't do this right now, Meg. I need to be alone,” I said, letting go of her hand.
“You don't need to be alone.”
“Please just give me time.”
“Not before I fix your hair because to be honest you are a horrible mess,” she said, avoiding my request for solitude.
Picking up the one chunk of hair that Snowystra had turned white, she said, “You think being a queen you would be able to get yours
elf together better.”
“You do know that I did have a staff of servants that dressed me and fixed my hair, right?”
“Well, now you have me. May I braid your hair, my queen?”
Twisting my hair, I watched her in the mirror. The little girl I left was all grown up. Kissing me on the cheek when she finished, she said, “Such a pretty girl.”
“Thank you,” I forced a smile. “It is now time for you to bother Miles.”
Going to the bathroom, I shut the door and splashed cold water on my face.
When I returned to the room, Meg was waiting ignoring my request for solitude. “I put some clothes out for you.”
Looking at the summer dress she picked out, I slipped it on. “I guess I will need more clothes like this soon.”
“Oh, I have tons of clothes. Are you really sure you want to be alone?” she said, adjusting my dress.
“I am. I want to go to the backyard. Some sun might make me feel better.”
As she began to walk away, I grabbed her and hugged her tightly. “Thank you Meg. I missed you.”
“I know,” she said, with a wink.
Chapter 66
Walking outside I allowed myself to feel all of the emotions I had for Cole. I was so angry and hurt by Cole but I knew the love I had for him wouldn't let me hate him. Leaning against the picnic tree, I closed my eyes and let the warm sun shine on me while I just breathed.
The wind began to blow warmly and the scent of cinnamon filled my nose. Opening my eyes, I found Blaze.
“Cole's gone,” I said.
Her expression grew dark. “You forgave him but he can't forgive himself. He will return for both of you but only when he is better.”
“He is sick, Mara, but he is in the arms of the Goddess.”
My eyes narrowed at her, “But, Snowystra is inside Brighid.”
“Of one, they became three. They are all one.”
“So how do you know she won't hurt him?”
“That part of Snowystra is gone. The part of winter that was broken, bruised, hurt and striking out at the world has been healed. Healed in her sister's love.
“He should have stayed. He is my husband. We could have figured it out together.”