How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household

by Blu Greenberg

  A Jewish wedding consists of a religious ceremony followed by a seudat mitzvah. A seudat mitzvah, sometimes translated as a religious feast, is a festive meal with which we celebrate the performance of certain mitzvot, such as Brit, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, completing a tractate of Talmud, and, of course, a wedding. No special foods are required, except that it must begin with the blessing over bread and conclude with the Birkat Hamazon, the Grace.

  The ceremony can take place anywhere, the seudat mitzvah can be formal, informal, catered, homemade, simple or lavish, so there is great leeway. Lists of kosher caterers and wedding halls, Jewish party planners, music bands, calligraphers, and printers are all available through synagogues, the national Jewish organizations, how-to books, and best of all, through the grapevine.

  Invitations are always sent out in Hebrew and English, including the Hebrew date and the Hebrew names. Whether or not the costs are shared, the invitation goes out in the name of both parents: Estelle and Benjamin Schwartz and Dr. Chaim and Sarah Gold take pleasure in inviting you to the marriage of their children, Dena and Daniel...

  The ketubah, the marriage contract, should be secured in advance of the wedding. It is filled in just prior to the ceremony. A standard ketubah form can be purchased in a religious articles store or can be drawn by hand. The ketubah is an ancient legal document, dating back to the second or third century B.C.E. This marriage contract is read aloud at the ceremony and is presented by the groom to his bride under the wedding canopy.

  In medieval Europe, it was the custom among wealthy Jews to commission a special hand-lettered, illuminated ketubah. This has become the vogue again today. Many couples commission a ketubah or do it themselves if they have artistic ability. An illuminated ketubah is often given as a gift from friends. Unlike most other religious documents, such as mezuzah or Torah scroll, the ketubah need not be written by a scribe, nor on parchment. The standard text can be written well before the wedding date, but the details of date, place, and name are left blank to be filled in immediately prior to the ceremony. After the ceremony, these ketubot often are framed as works of art in the newlyweds’ home. Since Jewish law requires that a husband and wife not live together unless they have their ketubah, and since it would be a little awkward to take along a thirty-by-forty-inch ketubah under glass when they go off to Aruba, many couples also have prepared a smaller, commercially printed ketubah for travel purposes, which is often kept in the suitcase to avoid last-minute searches.

  During the engagement period, some couples prepare a special chuppah for their wedding. The chuppah is a canopy, under which they will be married (and if specially made for them will probably later adorn the walls of their bedroom). The bride’s family often purchases a tallit for the groom, and that can also serve as the chuppah, held aloft on four poles or handheld staves. The bride will often buy or make for him a tallit bag as well. Beautiful hand-woven taleitim (plural) are available from special weavers. If she is handy, the bride might also crochet a special kepah for her husband just for the wedding. All of these items take on dual meaning as religious articles and as gifts of love.

  Sometime before the wedding, the young couple will visit the rabbi for a chat. Even if he knows them, he will nevertheless ascertain (1) that they were born of Jewish mothers or converted according to halacha, (2) if either were previously divorced, that a proper Jewish divorce had been arranged. The rabbi will also determine that they do not fall into other categories of forbidden marriages according to Jewish law. For example: a Kohen may not marry a divorcée or proselyte; a woman who has committed adultery and has been divorced may not marry the adulterer; a woman may not marry less than three months after the death of, or divorce from her husband, so that there may be no question of paternity. These can be painful situations. In such cases, an Orthodox rabbi will not sanction the marriage. If the partners are committed to traditional Judaism, they will not marry. Other Jews might likely seek a rabbi from one of the liberal denominations or will marry in a civil ceremony.

  The rabbi will also discuss the details of setting up a kosher home, observing mikvah, Shabbat, birth control, and the like. The more sensitive rabbis will also engage the couple in a discussion of what marriage should be like, what their expectations of each other are, and how to commit themselves to each other so that the inevitable impasses do not become overwhelming hurdles. One of the problems of having a family member or a close friend officiate at a wedding is that he cannot always discuss these things in a way that an outsider can without embarrassment.

  ONE WEEK TO GO

  Before the wedding day, three things take place: the ufruf of the groom, the mikvah immersion of the bride, and the week-long prewedding separation from each other.

  The ufruf, calling up the groom to the Torah for an aliyah, takes place on the Shabbat before the wedding. Some grooms read the portion of their aliyah as well. Oftentimes, as soon as the groom completes the Torah blessings, friends and relatives from the women’s section will shower him with candy, or nuts and raisins wrapped in small packages tied with white ribbon. In many synagogues, the congregation will sing a mazel-tov song after his aliyah. The ufruf is sometimes held a week earlier than the last Shabbat before the wedding. This is done for convenience or so that the bride can also attend the ufruf. If it is to be held on the Shabbat immediately preceding the wedding—during the period of separation of bride and groom—her parents might attend the ufruf, but she will spend a quiet Shabbat at home, attended by siblings and/or close friends.

  A few days before the marriage, the bride goes to the mikvah, attended by her mother. Sephardic Jews make a party out of it, but with Ashkenazim it is strictly a quiet mother-daughter affair. A bride-to-be can go to the mikvah during the day; however, a special appointment must be made, for the mikvah is not ordinarily open in the daytime.

  A week before the wedding, the couple will take leave of each other. They will not see each other until the badeken, the veil ceremony that takes place right before the processional. But that doesn’t mean they can’t talk to each other, which they do, to the delight of Ma Bell and the chagrin of siblings. However, because of the physical separation, little matters like Wasserman tests and a marriage license cannot be left for the last week.

  Orthodox Jews occasionally have things like prewedding “stag parties.” In fact, our rabbi’s son, a premed student who married recently, had this stag party: a group of his friends gathered at one of their homes. They brought with them a few bottles of sweet red wine, over which they made a siyyum: that is to say, in honor of his marriage, the groom had timed his private daily study so as to complete a tractate of the Talmud just before the wedding day. He read the last few lines of the text, and then recited Kiddush over the wine. There were none of the lewd or macho jokes that are typically associated with stag parties, which tend to bring out the very worst in otherwise decent people. Traditional Judaism might have real problems with male/female hierarchies, but stag parties, with their sexist vulgarities, are not one of them.

  THE WEDDING DAY

  On the day of the wedding, the bride and groom fast until after the ceremony is over, unless it is Rosh Chodesh, when fasting is not permitted. Fasting enters a note of solemnity and seriousness amid the gaiety and joy. If the wedding is held in the evening, both bride and groom recite Yom Kippur Viddui (confessional) earlier at Minchah services. If the wedding is an afternoon wedding, they recite it privately before the ceremony. Symbolically, their past life and sins are overcome and they are forgiven as on Yom Kippur. Thus, one is supposed to enter marriage in a state of purity, sinlessness, and absolution. Of course, fasting and Viddui remind the bride and groom that they are at the threshold of a new life.

  The wedding consists of three parts: preceremony rituals, the ceremony itself, the seudat mitzvah. Since there are several preceremony rituals, most traditional weddings begin with a smorgasbord to keep the guests busy until ceremony time. However, I have been to weddings where the order is reversed—first the cer
emony, then the smorgasbord, and then the sit-down dinner. In this instance, the principals who are involved in the preliminary rituals are asked to come an hour before the invitation specifies. Shortly, I will explain the rationale for doing it this way.

  For the preceremony rituals: the chattan (groom) and the kallah (bride) are ensconced in separate rooms up until the ceremony itself. At the chattan’s tish (table) several things take place:

  The t’naim, the prenuptual contract, is signed by the fathers of the bride and groom. T’naim are largely vestigial, since the essence of t’naim was to ensure that the wedding take place at a future date. Nevertheless, the custom has persisted among many.

  The ketubah, the marriage contract, is then completed. The names of bride and groom, the date and place of the wedding, are filled in. The ketubah spells out the contractual responsibilities of bride and groom to each other. For example, the groom is obligated to provide her with food, clothing, shelter, and sexual satisfaction. She, in turn, accepts to love and honor and care for him.

  On the theory that love is fine, but that love and noodles are even better, there is a financial stipulation in the ketubah of two hundred zuzim, an ancient coin of some value. In other words, in event of the dissolution of the marriage through death or divorce, the wife is guaranteed a fixed settlement, a sum that is above the poverty level. It means that she will continue to live comfortably with all her needs taken care of and will never be destitute nor have to resort to the public dole. Inasmuch as in all civil matters Jews follow the principle of “the law of the land is the law,” this particular financial clause carries less weight in America, since divorce laws in many states mandate equal division of the estate. Nevertheless, it is well to remember that in Jewish tradition the husband’s decent and proper obligations to his wife extend long past the life of the marriage.

  The ketubah is not signed by either bride or groom; it is signed by two male witnesses, observant Jews who are not immediately related to either bride or groom. If a small “portable” ketubah is also to be drawn, this is the time to do it, while the same witnesses are present. If a ketubah is later lost, it must be redrawn and rewitnessed. A couple may not live together without a ketubah. (This later drawn document is called a ketubah de’irkesah.)

  Kabbalat kinyan (the acceptance of contractual obligations). Since marriage is also a formal legal transaction, the rabbi, representing the bride’s interests, will hold out a handkerchief to the chattan, who takes hold of one end. The rabbi explains, publicly, that this symbolizes the groom’s acceptance to be bound by the conditions of the ketubah.

  The Dvar Torah is one of the more humorous customs at the tish. The chattan prepares a Dvar Torah (a brief discourse on a religious text) in honor of the occasion. But his friends heckle him periodically by breaking into song, so that, although he tries, he never quite gets through.

  The bride’s Dvar Torah. A new custom that has arisen in very recent years and is still quite rare is the Dvar Torah given by the bride. It is symbolic both of the better education of Jewish women in modern times and of the more active role of women in communal settings. Unlike what goes on at the chattan’s tish, the bride’s Dvar Torah is not interrupted. This takes place in the bride’s room. At one wedding I attended, the Dvar Torah was given by the bride’s sister, who is teacher of Talmud.

  One of the singularly romantic moments at an Orthodox wedding is the badeken. Before the ceremony is to begin, the bride is ushered out of her room, attended by the female members of the bridal party, and is seated in a special bride’s seat, usually at the end of the reception hall where the guests are gathered. The female members of her party stand about her. The groom enters, accompanied by all the men who participated in his tish, many of whom sing and dance as they accompany him to his bride. This is the first moment the bride and groom have seen each other in a week. If they are not too shy at the moment, they will say a few words to each other. Mostly, their eyes meet, and the groom gently draws the veil over his bride’s face. Family and friends look on, and the rabbi recites the Biblical blessing, “Oh, my sister, may you become a multitude of thousands.” It sounds more poetic in Hebrew. One fairly widespread custom among modern Orthodox Jews is for the father and the father-in-law to bless the bride and kiss her “keppele” (on the forehead) right after the groom has drawn the veil over her. The whole thing is indescribably sweet. People who cry for joy at weddings often cry at the badeken, too. There are several attributed origins to badeken. One, that the groom should look at her and she at him to make sure they know what they are getting, unlike Jacob, who was promised Rachel and was given Leah, hidden demurely behind the veil. (Although if the groom changes his mind, there’s not much he can do at that moment with his father-in-law in tow.) A second origin is that Rebekah veiled herself upon seeing Isaac, and so Jewish brides throughout the ages wear a veil during the marriage ceremony.

  Immediately after the badeken, the groom and his party leave, again ushered by a group of friends who sing and dance him out of the room. All the guests then move toward the wedding hall, while the bridal party prepares for the processional.

  PROCESSIONAL AND CEREMONY

  The first one under the chuppah is the rabbi. If a cantor has been asked to participate, he, too, will enter before the wedding party. At times the rabbi and the cantor walk down the aisle; at others, they simply materialize under the chuppah and wait for the wedding party to arrive. The rabbi will check to make sure there are two Kiddush cups and wine which will be used during the ceremony.

  In traditional Jewish weddings, grandparents generally walk down the aisle first. Usually, a seat is reserved for them in the first row so that they do not have to stand throughout the entire ceremony. Sometimes, the ring bearer comes down the aisle, singing a Hebrew song, such as “How goodly are thy tents, O Jacob, thy dwelling places, Israel.” More often, it is the cantor who will sing this prayer as he walks down the aisle. Bridesmaids, ushers, maid and matron of honor, best man—these generally are all part of the entourage at a modern Orthodox wedding, each walking down the aisle to the accompaniment of a different melody the bride and groom have chosen for them.

  There is a good deal of flexibility in the processional, but there are also certain basic minimum practices which are universally followed. The bride and groom do not walk down the aisle together. Each is accompanied to the chuppah by his/her parents. The groom’s party enters first, and the last to enter are the bride and her parents. The parents remain standing at the sides of the chuppah throughout the entire ceremony. Of all the things that surprise non-Jews at a Jewish wedding, the presence of parents alongside the couple is the most unexpected of all. This is because of its contrast to the bride and groom standing alone at the “altar.” Often, at a traditional wedding, sisters and brothers also will stand at the chuppah. To me, it beautifully symbolizes the fact that bride and groom do not marry in a void, nor will they build their future home or shared life in isolation, but rather each comes with the whole baggage of parents and siblings and sometimes close friends up there, too, who will lend stability and strength to this marriage.

  As the groom walks down the aisle, the cantor sings an appropriate song welcoming him. Reaching the chuppah, he dons a kittel as he waits for his bride. The kittel is the white garment worn on Yom Kippur, symbolizing purity, forgiveness, and a clean slate. (Immediately after the ceremony, before he leaves the wedding hall with his bride, he removes the kittel.) In families where one or both parents of the new couple is no longer alive, a candle may be carried down the aisle in memory of the departed. It used to be that the memorial prayer for the dead, the El Maleh Rachamim, was chanted as the surviving member of the family walked down the aisle. The Rabbis decreed that this was too morbid a note to inject into a happy ceremony, and thus at times it is recited beforehand in the presence of the rabbi; the candle carried down the aisle is but a visual reminder. Many survivors of the Holocaust carry candles down the aisle at the weddings of their children, in m
emory of all the members of the extended family who would have been here on this day....

  Even if you’re from the “groom’s side,” the excitement mounts as the bride enters, her parents’ arms linked through hers. The last part of the processional at a traditional wedding is the bride’s encirclement of the groom. When she reaches the chuppah, an unusual ritual ensues, practiced almost exclusively these days by Orthodox Jews. With her mother and mother-in-law following her, carrying the train of her gown, she encircles the groom. Seven times she encircles him, envelops him. Some modern people tend to think of this as sexist, but to me it has always seemed a most wonderfully sexy ritual, as if she were wrapping him up in the train of her gown to take him home with her. The number seven comes not from the seven wedding blessings, as one would imagine, but from the number of times in the Torah where it is written, “And when a man takes a wife.” After the seventh revolution, she takes her place at his right. No symbolism here; this is simply to make it easier for him in a few moments to slip the ring onto the index finger of her right hand.

  Now the couple stand side by side, under the chuppah, facing the rabbi. The chuppah symbolizes the new home of the bride and groom. It used to be that weddings took place under the stars, out in the open. Many weddings still do. In fact, some wedding halls are constructed with a removable skylight above the wedding platform. Why did couples marry under the stars? Hint, hint: so that they should multiply like stars in the sky. Out in the open, the symbolism of the chuppah as their home was more apparent. Nevertheless, the chuppah is always used whether one marries indoors or out; it is one of the essential elements in the halachic regulations of marriage.

  The ceremony under the chuppah is about to begin. There are three parts to the ceremony, all very brief. First, the Birchot Erusin, the two betrothal blessings. The rabbi, who serves as mesader kiddushin, the marriage facilitator, will recite these two blessings over a cup of wine from which not he but the bride and groom will each take a sip. Usually, the rabbi hands the cup to the groom’s father who raises it to his son’s lips. The father then gives it to his wife, who lifts her daughter-in-law’s veil for a moment and brings the cup to her lips.