For educational purposes, a boy will begin to put on tefillin before he reaches Jewish maturity. Our sons all started approximately two months before the Bar Mitzvah day. Sephardic Jews make a special celebration out of this day, called Yom Tefillin. They take the child to the synagogue, or to the Western Wall in Jerusalem, and there he puts on tefillin under the watchful company of family and friends. Afterward they make a special party to celebrate. Among Ashkenazim, it is a less formal and more private affair. One especially moving memory is of my husband teaching J.J. to put on tefillin, and discussing with him what tefillin are all about. The amateur photographer in this family lurked about the corners of the room, as inconspicuously as possible so as not to distract from the quietly wonderful happening, and recorded the whole thing for posterity. I highly recommend it.
If there is no one at home who puts on tefillin, it can be taught by anyone in shul or school or learned from a book. There are a number of books available that explain how to put on tefillin.
Two special blessings are recited when donning the tefillin. The first is recited just before the tefillin shel yad (arm) are fastened to the arm:
Baruch ata Adonai Elohainu melech ha’olam asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hanee-ach tefillin.
Blessed are You, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us to put on tefillin.
The second is recited when the tefillin shel rosh (head) are placed on the head:
Baruch ata Adonai Elohainu melech ha’olam asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al mitzvat tefillin.
Blessed are You, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us concerning the mitzvah of tefillin.
The Rabbis were not sure whether this second blessing was proper, since both phylacteries make up one composite mitzvah.
So they added the formula that is recited in case a superfluous blessing has just been made:
Baruch shem kvod malchuto I’olam va-ed.
Blessed be He Whose glorious majesty is forever and ever.
Ritual has its own power, the power of habit. Once a youth begins to wear tefillin, in all likelihood he will continue to wear them every day for the rest of his life. But not on Shabbat, holidays, Tisha B’Av morning, or as an onen (one who grieves the loss of an immediate relative who has not yet been buried). The reason tefillin are worn only on weekdays is that they are considered a sign of the covenant; inasmuch as Shabbat and holidays are also signs, tefillin were considered superfluous.
Tefillin are kept in a special bag, which can be purchased or handmade. Tefillin should be periodically inspected by a professional scribe, at least two times every seven years. Even though the parchment is sealed inside the box, which is then placed in another protective box, which is then stored in its own bag, the parchment can somehow become damaged: a letter can fade and must be reinscribed, or the straps may need to be reblackened.
TALLIT
A boy who is a Kohen, and who will henceforth don a tallit several times a year to offer the priestly blessing, will buy a special tallit for the Bar Mitzvah. Unlike tefillin, however, purchasing a tallit is not absolutely essential. In most Orthodox communities, a tallit is worn only by married men. Other than the Bar Mitzvah day, and occasionally coming up for an aliyah or leading the service, an unmarried man will not wear a tallit for prayer.
Bat Mitzvah
Although some of the above can be applied to females as well, the plain truth is that girls were short-changed as tradition developed, without taking them seriously in many areas of Jewish life. Never mind that women are the carriers of the faith (that is, a Jew is one born to a Jewish mother); most of synagogue life, liturgy, and Torah study were closed off to them. For example, tradition offers no equivalent for females to the powerful liturgical stimulus of tefillin.
But the good news is that times are changing, including a communal awareness of Jewish female adulthood. Bat Mitzvah was introduced by Reconstructionists, later taken up by Reform, and then Conservative Jews. Only in the last decade have the Orthodox begun to integrate Bat Mitzvah celebration as part of community norms. When I became Bat Mitzvah, the only thing that was special about that day was my awareness that from then on I would have to fast a full day on Tisha B’Av and Yom Kippur. True, in some Orthodox communities, Bat Mitzvah still goes by unnoticed. But in most—modern as well as the more traditional—there is an active recognition of a twelve-year-old girl becoming Bat Mitzvah. In many synagogues, shaleshudos, the third meal, taken between Minchah and Maariv services on Shabbat afternoon, has become the accepted time for celebrating a young woman’s entry into Jewish adulthood. Often, it will entail a dvar Torah, prepared by the Bat Mitzvah girl, and a speech by the rabbi, and perhaps another by her father. In modern Orthodox day schools, the girl gives a Dvar Torah at the morning minyan.
The process of tradition and change is inherently slow, but it is inexorable. In the last five years, there have been several “revolutionary” Bat Mitzvah celebrations. Revolutionary because they were never before done in history, revolutionary because they set the tone and serve as a model for others. One was a Sunday-morning Rosh Chodesh Bat Mitzvah in which the women and men guests prayed at two separate minyanim. At the women’s service the Bat Mitzvah girl led the prayers and read her parshah. The four aliyot were given to women who had never before in their lives had an aliyah, including an Orthodox grandmother of sixty-eight. With the exception of tefillin, the preparations of the Bat Mitzvah girl during the preceding year were similar to that of any Bar Mitzvah boy.
The second Bat Mitzvah was even more extraordinary, in that it took place on Shabbat morning, again at a women’s minyan. The young woman read the entire Torah portion and the Haftorah with perfect cantillation. All of the aliyot were given to women; the mother of the Bat Mitzvah girl led the Mussaf prayers. Her father, uncle, and brother sat behind the mechitza.
The way I see it, this is a transition generation. Currently, for most families who celebrate the Bat Mitzvah of their daughter, the feast is fuller than the religious ceremony. Nevertheless, that imbalance will be righted in due time. The combination of women’s learning, the models from society all around us, and the ripple effect of religious celebration in the liberal Jewish denominations are slowly taking root in the Orthodox community at this time in history.
Surely it will not happen overnight, but rather in a series of “clicks.” Several years ago, Deborah, then fifteen, was talking to a twelve-year-old guest, trying to make him feel at home. He mentioned he was studying for his Bar Mitzvah. “What is your parshah?” asked Deborah. “Kedoshim” (in Leviticus), he answered. “Oh, that was my parshah, too.” There was a pause. “What do you mean?” the boy asked. “Girls don’t have a parshah from the Torah, only boys do!” But then Deborah went on to explain to him how she prepared to become a Bat Mitzvah. He looked at her for a long time, his fertile mind opening up to engage a brand-new idea.
I do not know how history will record, a hundred years from now, the celebration of women coming under the mantle of mitzvot. I do know, however, that what is now inviolate as regards a boy of thirteen did not even exist a thousand years ago.
And community plays a powerful role. Deborah had to prepare her Bat Mitzvah speech by herself. Given her native intelligence and excellent study habits, we knew she would produce an original and wise speech, which she did. But at twelve, Deborah was also extremely shy, painfully shy. I could not imagine that she would stand and speak even before her classmates, much less before a number of adult family and friends. Yet, like a million Bar Mitzvah boys through history, that is exactly what she did, and with perfect poise despite a heart that surely must have been fluttering wildly. She rose to the occasion. I know that if it had not been expected of her by the “community” she would never have done it. And if more had been expected of her, she would have done that, too.
Some Practical Suggestions
INVITATION
S
A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is not a casual event. Therefore, invitations should be sent out in advance or telephoned with sufficient lead time. They should always be printed in Hebrew and in English. In addition to pertinent information an invitation might include a suitable phrase from the Torah: (1) from the parshah to be read; (2) if the child has a Biblical name, from some passage related to his namesake; (3) a special Biblical phrase particularly appropriate to him/her; (4) or using one’s “pasuk.” Most Jewish names have a pasuk, a verse from Scriptures. The first and last letters of the pasuk are the same as the first and last letters of the name. For example, David is Dirshu Hashem Ve’uzo, Bakshu Panav tamid, which means “Seek God and His strength, and forever search for His face.” The verse for Natan is from Proverbs 20:27: “Ner hashem nishmat adam chofes kol chadrei bah-ten,” “The human spirit is the lamp of the Lord illuminating the inner emotions.”
The pasuk can be found in a siddur right after the Shmoneh Esreh of the daily shacharit, or a rabbi can find it handily. As with other parts of tradition, women were overlooked. Thus, the appropriate pasuk for a female name will not be found in the siddur. However, a rabbi can help with this, or it can be a special project for the family to find a pasuk in Scriptures for the Bat Mitzvah girl’s name.
To avoid postmortems, make out the invitation list well in advance. Address the envelopes and sit on them for a week or two. We all have to make choices, and sometimes these come out differently on a different day. It is better to aggravate over it in advance rather than spend nine months following the bar mitzvah “working through” one’s mistake. I know.
SYNAGOGUE DECORUM
If the Bar or Bat Mitzvah is going to be held in shul on Shabbat, and the invitation will be sent to people who are not Sabbath-observant, a printed card should be enclosed explaining the customs of the community. That ends up to be less embarrassing all around. The card can read something like this: “We wish to share with you some of the customs observed in our synagogue: cars are not driven to the synagogue on the Sabbath, women do not carry pocketbooks; men wear kipot on their heads (these are available at the entrance to the sanctuary); married women cover their heads as well—a hat is advised; dress is always modest in taste; packages are not brought to the synagogue on the Sabbath.”
Many synagogue offices will print up such a note under their own letterhead. Some synagogues already have standard decorum cards printed, which are available just for the asking.
TZEDAKAH
Many families make a contribution to the synagogue and to the school on the occasion of their child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. These, after all, are the institutions without which it would have been infinitely more difficult to have brought the child to this day. In addition, it is appropriate to encourage the young celebrant, who often receives monetary gifts, to contribute one tenth, a tithe, to charities of his or her own selection. It is a mitzvah, an act of gratitude, and a good habit that should be taught at an early age.
DECORATING THE SYNAGOGUE
It is a lovely touch to decorate the shul with flowers, plants, or some other greenery for the occasion.
GIFTS
Some people like to give money as a gift for all occasions. Others like to give gifts they know the child will particularly enjoy (such as a microscope for the budding scientist). Still others prefer to give gifts that have a Jewish touch. In this latter category are sefarim (books of Jewish learning), other books of Jewish interest, tallit and tefillin bag (for boys), etrog box, Kiddush cup, Shabbat candlesticks (for girls), subscription to a Jewish publication, besamim box, mezuzah, or Chanukah menorah.
RECORD KEEPING
Keep a notebook with lists of who has been invited for Shabbat, for Sunday, for both, table arrangements, countdown details. Go over the list of invitees with the young celebrant so that he/she will at least recognize second cousins Helen and Lily when they appear. Also, enter the addresses so that when it comes time to write a thank-you note, the young person will have no excuse that the address cannot be found. Jewish maturity is “Torah im Derech Eretz,” which is translated as “Torah plus good manners.”
Bar Mitzvah is a wonderful event. The extended family comes together for a happy occasion; it is a celebration that ties in community, synagogue, Torah, and family; you don’t have the guest list of future in-laws to cope with; and the morning after, you can take the child home with you. And in addition to all of that, it is a symbol of everything we put into our children. On the way to J.J.’s second Bar Mitzvah celebration, we were doing our usual thing: reviewing details last minute to see what we had missed. It was a Sunday-afternoon affair, and we scheduled it in the synagogue so that we could use the sanctuary for Minchah before the dinner. But we hadn’t determined who would lead the prayers. Without much forethought, we turned to the spiffily dressed Bar Mitzvah boy wedged between us on the front seat of the car. “Do you want to daaven Minchah for the amud [lead the prayers]?” “Okay,” said J.J., and then we moved on to another detail. It was only later, as I sat in the red-carpeted synagogue and listened for the first time in my life to J.J. orchestrate the Minchah prayers, knowing just when to read aloud, knowing just when to wait for the congregation to respond, that I began to realize what we had taken for granted. I thought to myself that every penny we spent on his education was worth it, just for that moment alone.
Whichever way a family celebrates, Bar or Bat Mitzvah is an important day in the life of a young Jew. And it doesn’t end with that day. It remains alive in the memory, a focal point of one’s adult life. A young person will associate a particular portion of the Torah with his or her coming of age. More than that, it becomes his or her parshah for life. Many a Bar Mitzvah boy is called up for an aliyah and reads his parshah every year thereafter.
A parent will continue to educate his/her children and remind them of their responsibilities as a Jew. But the task is made that much easier because the young person knows from this day on what tradition and community expect of him/her.
Torah and mitzvot. What an incredible rite of passage!
CHAPTER · 13
DIVORCE
From ancient times onward, Judaism permitted divorce. However, tradition always understood divorce to be a last resort. “Even the altar sheds tears when a man divorces his wife,” the Talmud teaches us.
Although permitted, divorce was never commonplace in Jewish society. Today, no group is completely safe from the ravages of a contemporary divorce culture (“It’s okay, everyone’s doing it”); nevertheless, Orthodox Jews, like members of other traditionalist communities, seem to enjoy a measure of insularity. In my own synagogue for example, with 350 member families, there has been a total of approximately ten divorces during the last decade. In a random sample of other traditional synagogues in and around New York City, the rates are well below the norm.
Nevertheless, divorce among traditional Jews does exist, and will continue to be a reality, for even marriages made in heaven can fail. That being so, Jewish law is most specific about how a divorce must be effected. Just as the marriage is formed according to the laws of Moses and Israel, so must it be dissolved in that manner. Without a Jewish divorce, a man and woman are still considered married even if they have already secured a civil divorce.
A Jewish divorce goes something like this: after all attempts at reconciliation have failed, and the husband and wife have either been granted a civil divorce or have mutually agreed to seek one, they arrange to appear before a bet din, a Jewish court of law. The bet din consists of three rabbis, each of whom is an expert in the intricate laws of gittin, Jewish divorce. Since Jewish divorce is not a decree of the court but rather a transaction between two parties, various authorities maintain that a single expert suffices. (The prevalent custom in America is to require only one rabbi.) In either case, a sofer (scribe) and two male witnesses must also be present. The wife will often bring along a friend to help her get through the trying time; so will the husband. The appointment with the bet din or
officiating rabbi can be scheduled by one’s own rabbi, lawyer, or by the parties themselves.
The essence of a Jewish divorce is the giving of the get, the writ of divorce. The man gives the writ of divorce to the woman, who accepts it, in the presence of two witnesses. It is not an adversary proceeding; no reasons are given, no fault finding, no financial arrangements are made at this time. All of that was taken care of at some previous time, including prior attempts on the part of the bet din to effect a reconciliation or, barring that, an agreeable financial settlement. Despite all that, it is neither a simple nor easy matter.
First the scribe must write the writ of divorce. Before he begins the actual writing, however, he makes a formal gift of his materials to the husband, who must authorize the writing of the get on his behalf. The husband lifts the writing materials and offers them back to the sofer, saying, “I give you this paper, ink, and pen and all the writing material, and I instruct you to write for me a get to divorce my wife.” The sofer hand-letters the get, filling in the details such as the names of the two parties, the city, the time, and the standard text of the writ of divorce in which the husband attests to divorcing his wife and setting her free to marry any other man. It generally takes an hour for the scribe to write the get in Hebrew lettering, during which time the man and woman to be divorced usually wait in separate rooms.
After the sofer finishes his writing task, he and the witnesses make a distinguishing mark on the get. The witnesses read the document and affix their signatures to it. One of the three rabbis of the bet din will then ask the following questions:
How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household Page 28