“Figure it out, Ethan.”
“That’s what I am trying to do, Mia,” he said, turning his head back to look at her. His mouth twitched in anger before he exhaled roughly.
“I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even know myself.”
“Try.” He knelt in front of her, grabbing her hands. Even though they were arguing, his touch felt so damn good. Such a simple thing, touch. But she had missed his. Craved his hands upon her body. His touch at this moment brought tears to her eyes. “Mia, tell me what's wrong … please? What is it, suga?”
She placed her hands on his cheeks, studying his beautiful face, seeing his pain, the pain that she caused. She didn’t want to hurt him anymore. Nor could she handle her own hurt, sadness, and pain. It was too much for her.
“I’m drowning.”
“Mia?” he said, the fear in his voice piling onto all the emotions pushing her under.
“I can’t do this anymore, Ethan.”
“Do what, Mia?” he asked, his eyes wide, searching hers.
She couldn’t say it so she kissed him with all the love she had within her. Her heart fractured when there was no response from him. And when he pushed away from her, her heart shattered into a million little pieces. She knew then that today really was the end. That the decision she had reached two nights earlier was the correct one.
“Oh, God, I can’t! I can’t kiss you and not see you with Todd,” he said, his voice filled with torment.
“So it appears you can’t do this anymore either,” she said, fighting the sting of rejection. He ran his hand through his hair while she stubbornly fought off tears. She would not give him those.
“We need the break, Ethan,” Mia spoke quietly. Her heart beat loud and hard in the silence after her statement. She felt sick, her stomach one big knot.
“Isn’t that what the past months have been? A break,” he spoke, his voice choked with frustration. The pain in his eyes was too much for her to see and she quickly looked away. “You didn’t let me say anything when you brought this up before. You hung up on me. We need to talk about this. Together.”
“This hurts too much, Ethan. I am fighting for my life now,” she said to him, the words yanked from her chest, pulling the tears she didn’t want shed along with them.
He tipped her chin up and tilted his head so their eyes met. “I love you, Mia.”
Where was that declaration weeks ago when she needed it? When she doubted it? It would have made a difference then. It was a different story now. She stared into the eyes that often sparkled with playful mischief, love, desire. None of that was there now. Just sadness. Pain. Her eyes probably reflected the same emotions.
“I love you, too, but right now, it appears that isn’t enough.”
He exhaled loudly, his hand dropping from her face and rubbing at his forehead. She didn’t want to have this conversation. She never wanted to hurt him. She’d give anything to go back in time and do things differently—not take the drugs or the alcohol, try harder to communicate with him about her feelings instead of blowing it off, not make such a big deal about him not going to New York, and the biggest one, not kissing Todd.
But she couldn’t and she had to deal with the choices the two of them made. She’d have to deal with the hurt … somehow.
“This shouldn’t hurt like this, Ethan,” she said, looking at his downcast head, desperately wanting to cradle him in her arms, feel his soft hair against her lips.
Defeated, he got up and sat in the chair. They both stared off, lost in their thoughts for a few minutes, though it seemed like hours.
“Is this just a break or is it something more?” he asked miserably, his gaze fixed on his hands.
I don’t know, Mia answered in her head. God, I don’t know.
They both stepped over the line, made hurtful mistakes. They needed to see if they could get past this and, after Ethan’s reaction to her kiss, he was not there. Hell, she wasn’t either. The way he treated her the past month still stung, the consequences of which manifested themselves big time the past two nights. With what happened with Kristen and what she did yesterday, could they make it past all this?
“I guess that all depends, doesn’t it?” her voice broke. More tears welled up in her eyes, but she swallowed them back. Ethan rose from the chair and joined her on the sofa. He purposely took her hand and held on tight.
“Are you sure this is the right thing to do?” he asked, his fingers tracing over her hand, memorizing it, touching the ring he put on her finger just nine months ago. God, Mia had been so happy back then. Now, she wanted to die. The pain was unbearable.
“I don’t know.” And she didn’t. She didn’t know what to do anymore. “All I know is that this is not me right now. I know it’s not. These choices I’ve made—the drugs, the alcohol—I made because I’m vulnerable. I’m lost somewhere in this mess of a mind,” she said, grabbing at her head with her free hand.
“Do we have to work through all this apart? Can’t I be there for you?”
“What? And have you pull away from my touch again? No. I can’t handle that right now. It was bad enough this time.”
“Mia, that’s not … it’s just because it’s so fresh in my mind. It won’t always be the case.”
“How can you be so sure? It’s not the first time you didn’t want my touch.” With her free hand, she quickly wiped at the tears that spilled from her eyes. That hurt so much to say. She didn’t realize that until the words passed her lips.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Mia. If I could take it back, I would.”
“I wish you could,” she spoke through the never ending tears, hurting more than she ever thought she could. Her chest ached, the tightness growing, pushing against her ribs to the point where she thought it may actually burst.
“You hurt me, Ethan. I never thought you would do that to me. Maybe I expected too much from you, I don’t know. But I never thought you would be the guy who wanted to cheat on me. I never thought that I would either.” She glanced over at him. He stared at their still joined hands, his eyes watery, his face pale. “I know you didn’t cheat and I try to focus on that, but then I think of how you hadn’t told me you loved me in weeks, how you didn’t contact me at all that weekend, how you chose her over me and I break into a million pieces.”
Her voice broke in a tortured sob. He pulled her in his embrace and held her as the sobs shook her body. He smoothed her hair with his hand and murmured comforting words against her head. She thought she heard him cry as well. Needing to know, Mia lifted her head and her face fell when she saw the tears streaming down his cheek. She grabbed his face between her hands and put her forehead to his and held his gaze as they cried for each other, for what they were losing.
Many moments later, she shivered, feeling like she was in a bath of ice for the air had cooled over her tear-stained skin. Glancing down at herself, she realized that she had been in only her bra and panties this entire time.
Mia disengaged from Ethan’s embrace, then rose from the sofa and went to the bedroom. She rummaged through her suitcase and found a warm, oversized sweater and a pair of leggings. She spotted his shirt in the middle of the floor and bent to pick it up. She brought it to her nose and took a deep breath, smelling him on it—his cologne, his deodorant, his detergent, him.
Standing up, she returned to the living room. He hadn’t moved. She closed the distance between them and stood in front of him, holding his shirt out for him. “Here. I found it on the floor.”
Ethan looked up at her and she saw the confusion on his face. He glanced down and stared at his shirt and finally took it from her.
“You changed?”
“Yeah. I was cold and, uh, didn’t think sitting in my underwear was appropriate right now.”
A small chuckle escaped his mouth. He slid his arms into his shirt but left it unbuttoned. He then grasped her hand and laced his fingers between hers, gently tugging at her and guiding her back to the sofa.
&
nbsp; “How do we know when the break is over?” he asked, his gaze focused on their hands.
“When we can be with each other without all this pain.”
“But how will we know that? When can I see you again?”
Mia hadn’t a clue so she said the thing that felt right. “How about sometime after the tour and your season are over?” This would give her time and allow her to finish the tour and him to focus on the rest of his season.
“That’s a long time,” he stated, caressing her thumb.
“Five weeks.”
“I will miss you, Mia Devereux. That’s all I’ve done over the past five months is miss you each and every day.”
“Same here. And I, as witnessed by last night, have not dealt with it very well.”
“Neither have I,” he said remorsefully.
“We are a mess.”
“We?” he said with a smile.
“Yes, we, though I will admit I am more of one,” she said. “I know I’m not blameless. I was so upset that I got high to forget and then did the thing I am so upset at you for. I hate myself for that.”
“I know this is bigger than last night, Mia.”
“Why do you think that?” she wondered. He took a deep breath and rested his cheek against her head. It took him a few moments to answer her and when he did, it was with a question.
“Why did you start using drugs?”
“That’s a long story. One that I am not ready to share—yet.”
“And that just proves that I’m right, doesn’t it?”
She nodded.
“You’ve kept a lot from me.”
Mia nodded again, ashamed. There was so much she never told him—things he probably had a right to know. She kept her family a secret from everyone and she did that so she didn’t have to face it. She did it to hide. She wasn’t ready but the time was fast approaching where she’d have to pull those demons out of the closet and rid herself of them for good. But not today.
“Why, Mia?”
“I’m afraid,” she admitted, upset that her tears returned.
“What happened to you?”
“I can’t, Ethan,” she answered, vehemently shaking her head. She didn’t have it in her to leave her fiancé and then tell this story.
“Come here,” he said, pulling her into his lap, holding her, soothing her, just like he always could. She dared to rest her head against his shoulder and placed her hand against his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat, letting it calm her.
Ethan leaned back against the sofa and kept her tight against him. He rested his cheek against her head and she closed her eyes, her mind numb from the emotional turmoil the past week, hell, the past few months. Some part of her brain told her to get up, but her heart told her brain to shut it. So she let him hold her. She needed the comfort, wanted it, craved it for weeks.
Mia didn’t know how long they sat like that before she noticed his steady breathing. She glanced up and saw that his eyes were shut. He looked so peaceful.
“Ethan? Are you asleep?” she asked quietly. When he didn’t answer, she took advantage of the silence and studied his face. How could a man be any more handsome? He was perfect.
He couldn’t reject her while asleep. She lightly traced the two freckles beneath his left eye before placing her lips on his cheek, lingering on his rough skin, letting herself just love him. She closed her eyes, feeling the fatigue catching up with her. She let it take her. There was no other place she rather be.
A couple hours later she awoke to the feel of his lips against her forehead. Mia smiled sadly when he paused and then stopped the kiss.
Instinct until the brain took over.
“Tired?” she asked.
“Yeah. I didn’t sleep at all last night.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t plan on sleeping much to be honest.”
She thought it best to ignore the innuendo in that comment. “When do you have to leave?”
“Five.”
Mia looked at her watch and saw that it was quarter to three. Two more hours before she had to say goodbye. Now that the thought of doing so was close, she didn’t want to. She wanted more. But did he?
“Ethan?”
“Yes, suga?”
She smiled. He called her suga.
The thought was not leaving her mind. She needed to say it. She framed his face with her hands, his stubble tickling her long fingers. “I want to make love to you.”
“Mia …”
“What? That will never change, Ethan.”
His hands mirrored hers on her face, searching her eyes. “Are you sure we are making the right decision?”
“Can you make love to me right now?” she countered, knowing his answer before she even asked. Watching him think on it, she saw the sadness return to his eyes.
He couldn’t.
Her hands fell from his face. “It’s the right decision.”
He sighed loudly. Mia tried to get off his lap, but he held her to him.
“Please, Ethan,” she begged quietly. She couldn’t touch him anymore. It hurt right down to her soul.
He finally let her go and she quickly got up and took a few steps to stand in front of the desk, needing that distance, that wall between them, trying to protect herself.
He stood up but didn’t move closer. With his eyes on her, he buttoned his dress shirt. “Maybe I should go …”
Her lip began to tremble and the ugly sniffling started as she fought not to cry, a battle she could never win.
This was goodbye.
Mia didn’t answer him. Her tears were enough. She observed him putting on his shoes that sat discarded in front of the chair. His jacket, the one she gave him for his last birthday, laid on the arm of that same chair. When he picked it up and put it on, the tears streamed even faster down her cheeks.
Ethan glanced over at his bag on the table in front of the sofa. He took a hesitant step towards it before slowly crossing the room to her. He stopped right in front of her so that she had to look up to see his face. The first thing she saw was his mouth. She wanted to kiss him goodbye, but she couldn’t handle that rejection again. So she stood there, staring at his lips.
“You love me?” he asked, causing her to move her gaze away from his mouth to his eyes.
She nodded sadly. “I love you. Do you … do you love me?”
He smiled sadly but she saw the glimmer of his love in it. “I love you,” he replied, his head cocked to the side. Then he kissed her, surprising her at first before she grasped onto his coat and put all of herself into the kiss. She felt his love and held on tight to him, not wanting to let go.
God, did she really want this to happen? Was this the right decision? This man loved her. He was the only man she ever truly loved if she was being honest with herself. The man who loved everything she hated about herself. The only one who made her forget her pain—well, until now.
He pulled away from her lips abruptly and placed his mouth on her forehead for a hard kiss. Mia inhaled his scent one last time, burning it into her brain.
“Remember that, Mia,” Ethan said before picking up his bag. He looked at her one more time, the love, and the pain shining bright in his eyes.
“Five weeks,” he said and walked out of the room—out of her life.
TO BE CONTINUED …
To my husband: thank you for your love and support. I know it wasn’t always easy. The hours I spent with my notebook or laptop on my lap, writing away, pouring out this story that has consumed me for almost a decade now. Your support allowed me to do that, and I’ll be forever thankful for that. And guess what? No, not chicken butt—I love you. <3
To my son, my mini me: I almost gave up on this dream, but all I had to do was look at your face so like mine and imagine you having to give up on your dreams—I couldn’t have that. As your mother I had to be an example. I had to show you that dreams do come true. Don’t ever give up on them, buggy, no matter how hard and unattainable it may
seem. Keep being who you are. I love you, little dude!
To my WBW girls, Christina, Mandi, and Megan: Meeting you three ladies has changed my life. Seriously—without your support and encouragement, this final phase—publishing—would never have happened. I am honored to have been a part of all your journeys, and I’m so damn thankful that you are a part of mine. Saucy pants loves you bitches <3
To Jillian and Ninfa: I don’t know how to thank you for what you did—everything seems to be lacking. Even though I have said these words to you in one way or another already, I need to say them again. Also, I apologize in advance—I’m going to swear. I love you two so fucking much. Your hearts are so amazingly big. You two took in this poor author and her characters and nurtured them, supported her and gave her confidence to share them with the world. You loved my Mia and Ethan and their story from the beginning. You had no reason to do so. Absolutely none. But you did. And at the same time, something else amazing happened—our friendship. You are my Golden Girls. My original Suga Lovas. #OSL #thebestmotherfuckingcheerleadersintheworld
To my betas, Rachel, Julie, and Erica: Thank you for your advice, your colorful commentary, and your encouraging words. I cannot have done this with you. Seriously. THANK YOU!
To my Toddy bear: Each time you said “You can do this,” I believed it more and more. It may have taken me YEARS to accomplish, but I finally did it! Thank you for your unwavering support and friendship over the years.
To Music: I freaking love you so damn much! You are with me 24/7. You pick me up when I’m down. You make me happy; you make me feel. Without you, this book would be so very different. Not just the book—my life. <3
To every single author of every single book I’ve read over the course of my life—from my days sitting on the floor in the Children’s section of the Chicago Public Library, reading Madeline and The Lorax, to now, sitting on the train, iPad in hand (keeping that book a secret)—THANK YOU! You gave me my love of books!
To my European history professor: I wrote my first complete story in your class, during the many enlightening slideshows, showcasing the art of the Renaissance Period. The poor story was contained to the margins of my history notes (stealth mode) in the tiniest print ever. The precursor to my post-its …
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