The water had finally given up its grip on him. It must have been from where his flesh had absorbed so much from the tub. His frame was heavy but he managed to get to his feet. He was free.
Takahashi looked at the cute octopus. The first thing he would do was flush the towel down the toilet. He would never eat octopus again.
He got to his feet and straightened up, his body now sagging like a bag filled with wet shit around the top of his legs. His ankles had swollen at the bottom of his legs and resembled a baby elephant’s. He would have to call an ambulance as soon as he was out.
In a fit of victory he threw his fists into the air. The slack rotting skin of his chest split all the way around his chest. It fell away like the outer skin of a burst salami and it fell into the last of the putrid water.
The puffed up flesh of his belly rolled away and everything that was inside Takahashi began to fall out of him. His intestine, his lungs, his heart, everything plopped into the water where he was standing. Sinew and tendons peeled away from the bone and ligaments snapped from the strain of the bloated offal falling away.
Takahashi looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. His head sat perched on an empty skeleton. The skeleton was happy about something with its arms in the air in triumph.
Then the bones of his legs gave under the weight of his head.
The bones tumbled into the tub and clattered like someone had dropped a glockenspiel. His head landed face first into a sloppy pile of himself and rolled over.
The last thing Takahashi saw as his head slowly slipped under into the human soup in his bathtub was the face of the cute octopus.
The octopus was smiling.
Takahashi was beginning to really hate that octopus.
SIGNS
John M. McIlveen
Well, the first sign weren’t no big deal, it was the same one Lenny n’ me always saw comin’ outta the 3 Sisters Bar & Grill. You know the one I’m talkin’ ‘bout, the dancin’ hog carryin’ a tray-a dead meat. Lenny says the pig looks like Gina, but I think it could be any of them three sisters. They ain’t much to look at, but they sure serve up a mean mess a grub. I s’pose them sisters cook so good ‘cuz they ain’t got nothin’ else for doin’, ain’t no one in a right mind would wanna fuck ‘em.
Huh? Oh yeah…the sign. Sorry. Like I was sayin’, you know the space under the dancin’ hog, where they switch them letters round ‘n say what’s on special? Okay. So we come outta the 3 Sisters ‘cuz it’s still dark, but we can see the sun’s comin’ up. That’s when Gwen, you know she’s the sister that runs the night shift? Well, she makes us leave so the breakfas’ people don’t have to see us drinkin’ folk fallin’ all about. So, ‘cuz it’s dark, the sign under the dancin’ hog is all bright an’ says At 3 Sisters yer dollah gits you a hilla beans… sumpin’ like that, right? So we get in Lenny’s pick-up an’ start for his house, but when we get to leavin’ the parkin’ lot, the sign now says YER AN ASSHOLE!
So Lenny says to me, “You catch that?”
I says, “Un-huh.”
“That sign there done called you an asshole.”
But I says, “No, I think it was callin’ you an asshole, ‘cuz ain’t signs meant for the driver?”
“Rekin’ you might be right, there,” Lenny says. “Why you think it’s up to callin’ me an asshole, Carl?”
“Ain’t right sure, Lenny. Maybe ‘cuz you are an asshole.”
“Yeah, s’pose there’s that,” Lenny says.
So we pull outta the parkin’ lot an’ Lenny says, “Ain’t what it said when we come outta the 3 Sisters.”
“Nope, t’aint,” I says.
“How you rekin’ it changed so fast?”
How the sign changed so fast is beyond me. Ol’ Joe does all the sign changin’, but he’s in Coventry ‘til Sunday, so I didn’t say nuthin’. I’m figgerin’ you must know why the town outlawed them sisters from climbin’ that ladder anymore, right? Yessir, three-hundred-fifty pounds of woman in a Mumu perched ten-feet up can raise an eyebrow or two, ‘specially since none of them ever think to wearin’ panties. Just a gander can twist yer guts ‘round some. They still call ’em panties if they’s big as a circus tent?
Oh, right, back to the story. What’s a dolt?
Well, so anyhow, I’m guessin’ we just let it go, ‘cuz we ain’t so much as mentioned it again, but then that second sign done comes up.
We was jus’ kinda drivin’ along an’ you know them big green an’ white signs that tell you what town’s on up ahead-a you? Well, this one here usually says Farmington 6 mi. You know the one I’m talkin’ ‘bout? It’s prob’ly ten miles outside Farmin’ton? Right...that one.
Well last night it didn’t say Farmington 6 mi. a-tall, but it did say COCKSUCKER in big white letters, bright as all get-out.
So Lenny, he says to me, “Now that ain’t right, it calling me a cocksucker like that. I ain’t no cocksucker.”
But I says, “I don’t know ‘bout that, Lenny. You tend to take a pull or two from mine once you get to drinkin’, an’ you drink a lot.”
So Lenny says, “I s’pose that’s true ‘nuff, but I ain’t too keen on advertisin’ it.”
“Appears someone is.”
“Think it might be Butch?” Lenny says.
I says, “Might be.”
You know Butch the plumber? Lenny fetched him to roto-root his shitter after he tried flushin’ a dead rat. Big fucker. When Butch finished he settled in for a few drinks an’ next thing you know he’s over every night since, totin’ a fresh bottle a Turkey. Don’t right like Turkey myself, I prefer Black Label. Lenny likes Turkey. Y’ever puke Wild Turkey? Ain’t pretty.
How’s that? Is a buffoon like a dolt? They’s related? Well, hot shit, who’da figgered?
Okay, okay…back to the signs. Keep ya boots on.
So, after the cocksucker sign, we commence to thinkin’ that it was Butch yankin’ Lenny’s chain. We both knows that ain’t the truth of it, but we ain’t sayin’ nuthin’, hopin’ that was the end of it, but, then we passed the bank. You know the Farmin’ton Five an’ Dime at the four corners, how it went an’ got itself a new sign with lights an’ shit? An’ how the lights slide…yeah, scroll…that’s it! However, last night it weren’t tellin’ us how we can ‘ford a new home for some percents an’ stuff. Instead, it just says MOTHERFUCKER, with them big red letters slidin’ outta one side an’ into the other.
Now Lenny gits all mad like a hornet just bit his pecker, an’ he yells, “Ain’t no way Butch knows about that!” An’ I figger that’s true enough ‘cuz I knew nothin’ ‘bout it, either.
So Lenny slows his truck down to get his shit in line an’ cool his conniption, then he says to me, “We best leave that one be.”
So I says “yup.”
Now Lenny, his farmhouse is right smack-dab behind that bank, ‘cept about four miles up Henneman’s Path, as you rightly know. So we drives up there all silent, ‘cuz Lenny’s all bucked-up, bullshit, an’ bothered ‘bout bein’ a motherfucker, an’ it ain’t just his momma that knows it now.
So, when we get to his house the sun’s full out an’ must already be eight-a-five d‘grees out, an’ this ain’t helpin’ none ‘cuz Lenny’s already set to boilin’.
Thinkin’ to cool him down, we set for the back of Lenny’s truck to get the case a Black Label out, an’ that’s when we see what’s on the tailgate.
You know on a Ford pick-up, where it says Ford? Well, it no longer says Ford, but now it says U KILT ME, ‘cept it’s all bumped out like Henry Ford hisself done it.
Stamped? No I din’t do no stampin’, but Lenny looked set to start jackhammerin’. Now Lenny, he jus’ stannin’ there, eyes buggin’ like he jus’ got a fence pole drove up his ass, so I says to him, I says, “Lenny, you got sumpin’ you ain’t tellin’?”
An’ Lenny, he says, “Carl, I got sumpin’ I gotta tell you.”
An’ that’s ‘bout when his girl Elaine showed up ‘cuz she must a saw us drive up. So you
can ask her, too. Yeah, I know Elaine can’t talk, but she knows Lenny’s story.
Yeah, so I grabbed two Black Labels from the case an’ gave one to Lenny. Elaine, she don’t drink none. Beer was warm as pig piss, but ain’t the first warm beer we ever drinked, an’ it did rub the dust off our gums.
Now, you know Lenny, he don’t ever wear much more than his overalls, but it was hotter than the devil’s dick out there, n’ he was all fidgitin’ an’ sweatin’, so we moved over to the shady side-a the barn an’ set down against it.
Now, you listen up here, ‘cuz what I tell you now is pretty in line with what Lenny telled Elaine n’ me. He said, he reckoned we both prolly guessed that before Elaine come along he was thinkin’ ‘bout endin’ it all. That’s right, he was gonna kill hisself. Now, Lenny’s not one to usually be thinkin’ as such, so he felt it needed some ‘splainin’ so we unnerstan’ why he done what he done.
He done kilt his wife. I near shit myself when he tell us that, but Elaine, she just set there. Her not bein’ able to talk makes me itchy sometimes.
So, Lenny says he come to thinkin’ that we both might be smellin’ her by now, with all the heat of late, an’ that he ain’t seen to buryin’ her proper. Been a couple weeks since he set her in the root cella’, an’ if he din’t see to movin’ Suzy soon, she’d raise all kinds a stink on the vegetables.
He didn’t wanna do his Suzy in, but he done come home early from a delivery an’ when he got to lookin’ at what ol’ Red n’ her was up to in his bedroom, it got him all funny in the head. They was so lost an’ pantin’, huffin’ n’ carryin’ on that they didn’t even take to noticin’ him stannin’ there. So, he went an’ got his rifle an’ shot ‘em right where they was.
Got ol’ Red right in back of the head, he did. An’ Suzy...well you can ‘magine where ol’ Red’s head was, lappin’ away like Suzy were some big ol’ salt lick. Kinda like what Lenny an’ Elaine have commenced to doin’, I reckon. S’pose that also ‘splains why ol’ Red’s breath was so foul of late.
An’ while Lenny was tellin’ us this, God’s truth, Elaine layed on the ground an’ done put her head on his lap, right on his bid’ness! I mean, anyone puts their head on my bid’ness, they best be plannin’ on a mouthful-a…
Right. Shut the fuck up an’ git back to the story. Okay, I hear ya.
Well, Lenny said the first shot done took ol’ Red outta the picture real quick, an’ done quite a hurtin’ on Suzy. Said she looked to him real sad like, but he weren’t in no forgivin’ mood right then.
After contemplatin’ the situation a moment, he figgered Suzy was too far gone for savin’, anyhow. Took him three shots to put Suzy away. Reckon he could-a done better, but he ain’t never shot a real person before. Wouldn’ta been so bad, but he runned outa bullets. Had-ta pack more buckshot. Lenny said it din’t matter none, Suzy weren’t goin’ nowhere since the first shot blowed her kneecaps clear over her shoulders. An’ he was right, he even fixed himself a couple a san’wiches an’ jawed with me on the phone before he packed them bullets. Was near on an hour afore he got back to Suzy an’ she din’t hardly move an inch, he said.
Her whinin’ an’ such had Lenny feelin’ real bad, but seein’ ol’ Red layin’ the way he was got him all shakin’ mad, which weren’t no good neither — couldn’t even hold his aim. The second shot done hit Suzy smack in her armpit. Always a shame wastin’ good bullets, so he done got up real close so’s not to miss. Seein’ her lookin’ so sad got him feelin’ off, so he done what had to be done. Y’know, nuthin’ changes the look on someone’s face like a twelve gauge.
I know it ain’t like ol’ Lenny, gettin’ all worked up n’ jealous over his woman. Fact is, he was good for sharin’ Suzy out to his friends an’ all, as long as she comed home to make his dinner. An’ she were pleased as peaches to oblige, ‘specially with Pastor Fred. Suzy was always jawin’ that ol’ Pastor Fred’s meat stick hanged nearly as low as Smoke’s.
Smoke? That there’s Suzy’s horse, an’ Lenny din’t mind none when she got the hankerin’ to favor Smoke ever once ‘n a while, but ol’ Red, he were Lenny’s dog! Lenny said shouldn’t nothin’ come between a man an’ his dog, Ol’ Red should a knowed that. Red oughta been ministratin’ only for Lenny!
Well, Lenny done thought everthin’ over real good an’ he figgered he got no reason to live no more. Weren’t nuttin’ left for him, an’ he was bad hurtin’ for what he done to ol’ Red, too. Best servicin’ dog he ever had. Ain’t no easy road trainin’ a knack for pleasin’ into a dog. Done took Lenny a life-a years to teach ol’ Red, an’ he were betta stock than your average dog… purebred Irish Setter he was, with some Spaniel an’ a bit a Shepherd, too!
We’re all gonna miss Suzy a whole bunch. She was one fine woman, an’ pretty as first prize. She were real good at servicin’ too. Most taken gal in Farmin’ton, ‘specially since Smoke done kicked her last tooth out. That tooth could sure put a hurtin’ on a fella, ‘specially when Suzy started heatin’ up. Smoke sure made for a buncha fellas celebratin’ that day. An’ ol’ Smoke never gave to kickin’ Suzy again, once she shared a bit of her know-how with him. Fool horse got big as a fence rail ever time Suzy done walked by him.
Why you lookin’ at me like that? Looks like you just tasted yer first shit san’wich. Yeah, I’ll get back to the story, but yer the one lookin’ sick, not me.
Well, Lenny knowed he was gettin’ on in years, an’ findin’ another lady like his Suzy jus’ weren’t likely gonna happen. ’Sides, they never got to havin’ no young’uns since Smoke done messed up her insides, so there’s none of them needin’ lookin’ after. Addin’ up all that, Lenny figgered there ain’t no reason to livin’. An’ that’s when Elaine done saved his life.”
Lenny said bein’ a husbin’ an’ a workin’ man took up all his time, but he ‘membered when Elaine was a young’un, her mama so proud an’ showin’ her off to ever’one. She was a cute ‘un. But after that he done forgot about her, she was just a kid. Then he done saw her the other day, comin’ out ol’ Filban’s house.
Lenny said the way Elaine was lookin’ at him, got him whole new way of thinkin’. He never knowd she growed so much to look so nice. Got him to thinkin’ that maybe there were sumpin’ to be livin’ for.
He figgered, Hell, once he buried Suzy nice an’ deep, he could jus’ say she runned off with some truck drivin’ fella, like ol’ Spellman’s lady done. You remember ol’ Spellman? He were so happy with her gone he commenced to buildin’ hisself a new g’rage the next day, cement floor an’ all.
Lenny told us he got Elaine now, which throwed all thoughts a suicide right out the window. And there I am, feelin’ happy for him an’ Elaine, not thinkin’ ‘t’all ‘bout what he done, ‘til we got a gander at that last couple a signs. That’s when the shit done hit the chipper.
Huh? Yessah, the chipper. Ever dump a pail a shit in a chipper? Ain’t nothin’ pretty ‘bout it. Done it on accident a while back. Painted damn near everthin’ for…
Well, yessir, I do know what an imbecile is, my mom and pa raised nine of ‘em.
Okay…okay. So Lenny, he gets off the ground an’ says he done made Elaine a present an’ was right proud of hisself ‘cuz he even put her name on it. He said it’s in the barn an’ we need a have a look-see.
It was a might darker inside Lenny’s barn, but we all saw it soon as we got in there. Lenny took three small wooden crates an’ done nailed ‘em to each other an’ made a biggun, ‘bout two feet wide, four feet long, an’ some-odd inches tall. Lenny painted Elaine on the lid in big white letters, E-L-A-N, pretty as pie. Lenny said it was a standin’ box an’ that it’d do his back a spell a wonder when him n’ Elaine was servicin’, with her bein’ so short an’ all. He was prouder than a stud Morgan ‘bout it all, but then he seen his truck.
Y’know how it says Smitty’s Farm on the side of Lenny’s pickup? Smitty’s Lenny’s last name — was his daddy’s, too. He gived Lenny the farm when he keeled over. It don’t say Smitty’s
Farm no more, no sir. It says LENNY SMITH IS A THIMBLE DICK COCKSUCKIN MOTHERFUCKIN MURDERIN ASSHOLE.
Now them’s angry words, an’ it ain’t Butch yankin’ Lenny’s chain. We all know it’s Suzy, there ain’t no doubtin’ it now, so Lenny gits all scairt now, an’ me, too. Ain’t sure ‘bout Elaine ‘cuz she don’t ever say nuttin’.
I says to Lenny, “Lenny, you’re needin’ to make peace with your Suzy”, but Lenny was just starrin’ at his standin’ box, an’ he’s shakin’ an’ his face is redder ‘n road rash. So I looks at his standin’ box an’ it don’t say ELAN no more, but it says CARL FUCKS SHEEP.
Well, I ain’t never fucked no sheep no matter how pretty they might be, but Lenny ain’t hearin’ none of it.
Lenny says, “You got your sights on my Elaine?”
I tells him, “No way, Lenny. I ain’t never took no fondness to fuckin’ sheep. You know I git wool rash.” But then Elaine comes up and bites me right on the pecker! It weren’t a bad bite; fact is it felt kinda good, but Lenny, he’s madder ‘n a snipped bull, an’ he goes full-throttle eye-buggin’, arm swingin’, leg kickin’ bat shit on me.
If I planned on seein’ a next day I had to fend him off…
…and that there, sir, is why you found Lenny with a pitchfork in his head and stuck into the center post.
How’s that?
No sir, I ain’t full-a shit, had me a hefty crap jus’ afore I got here.
Oh, you don’t believe me. Well, I ain’t never had a reason for killin’ Lenny, he was my friend since we was kids. But, I reckin’ I do unnerstan’ no one will believe it. I’m havin’ a tough time a believin’ it myself, but maybe that’ll change yer ‘pinion.
No, looky there, on yer patch...right there.
Fossil Lake II: The Refossiling Page 8