by LJ Maas
"But… what we do… the physical pleasure… that's not really all there is to love," Gabrielle stammered.
"No, it's not." Delia answered. "Then again, it's not the only reason you love her, is it?"
Gabrielle's smile returned. "No," she shook her head. "It's so much more, I can hardly contain it all, yet I can barely explain it."
"I know for a fact that she feels the same."
"Are you certain of it?" Gabrielle asked again.
I felt a certain amount of sadness at Gabrielle's response. Through deeds or words, had I allowed Gabrielle to think that my love for her was simply for that of a talented lover? Doesn't she realize yet what she truly means to me, what this relationship means? This was all so knew for me. I was still unsure of how to reveal much of what I felt, still fearful of the slightest rejection. I needed to find a way to express to Gabrielle, some way to show her all that I felt for her in my heart.
"Gabrielle, have you never voiced these concerns to Xena?" Delia asked.
"No," Gabrielle answered softly. "She would think I was being childish, or too insecure, or she would think--"
Delia interrupted, tilting the young woman's chin up to see her. "She would think that you love her enough to want to ensure that the two of you have a happy life together."
"I'm acting foolish, aren't I?" Gabrielle asked with an embarrassed grin.
"Let's just say you're acting as if you were in love, I think that encompasses it all. Now go on with you, if I'm to arrange a banquet by tomorrow evening, I need time to prepare. You may be the future Queen, but today you're simply a young woman in my kitchen!" Delia waved a giggling Gabrielle from the room.
I stood there for a while longer, my back against the wall, enjoying the last lingering echoes of Gabrielle's laughter. The girl was a treasure to be sure and I wanted to do my best to ease any lasting doubts she still had that I would love her forever.
* * *
It was late afternoon by the time I returned to our private rooms. I needed to think, and I did that best from the saddle of a horse. I let Tenorio make free with the bit and the large, black stallion enjoyed every moment of his freedom. We were pounding through the surf of the gulf in no time at all and I was not at all certain which one of us truly enjoyed the romp more. Now, covered as I was in salt, sweat, and mud, smelling of the stables, Gabrielle had only to take one look at me to know of my whereabouts.
"I wondered where you where," she said as she walked toward me.
Reaching up on her toes, she kissed me. I wrapped one arm around her waist, pressing her body against mine and deepening the kiss. "Mmmm," I said, finally pulling away for air. "If I'd know this was going to be my reception I would have hurried home much sooner."
"You need a bath, my Conqueror," Gabrielle replied, wrinkling her nose as she grinned.
"Funny," I said, pushing her at arm's length. The front of her dress was covered in the mud from my own clothes. "But you do too."
"Hmmm, that worked well for you, didn't it?" Green eyes sparkled.
"Yes, but now I'm wondering who planned it this way. You or I?"
"That, dear Conqueror, is a question you will have to answer for yourself."
Gabrielle broke away, but not before kissing me teasingly. She headed for the bathing chamber, quickly going to a state of undress as I watched her shapely backside disappear into the other room. I laughed and began to rapidly toss off my own garments. I had a feeling that with this woman around that was one question I was never going to be able to answer.
* * *
After a hot bath, which was equal parts washing and playful splashing, and a warm meal, Gabrielle and I were quite content to lie about for the rest of the evening. Dressed only in our robes, we kept ourselves warm by stretching out atop a pile of soft furs placed before the fireplace. The fire, a small amount of wine, and Gabrielle's body were enough to lull me into a dreamy state of relaxation.
I lay with my head in Gabrielle's lap, her fingers slowly massaging the back of my neck, slipping through my dark hair, the fingertips coming to rest gently along my temple. She repeated the procedure until I felt my body, as well as my mind, as if it were floating on a cloud of pleasure. My mind never stopped working during this time and the easy state my body was in encouraged me to speak up to Gabrielle. Her earlier, overheard conversation with Delia was still running through my mind. I must not have been the only one with heavy thoughts on my mind, for I heard Gabrielle's voice in unison with mine.
"Gabrielle?"
"Xena?"
We both chuckled and, of course, insisted the other begin.
"Please, you first," I managed to persuade her.
"I… I just… tell me about Solan?" Gabrielle stammered out the question.
Her halting manner caused me to wonder if that was truly the question, she was preparing to ask. I had promised her, however, so I continued to lie in her arms, a place I felt most secure by the way, and began to tell her of my life at that time.
I told Gabrielle of Xena, the Warlord, and of my quest for power. I know she read most of the scrolls in my office, some many times over, but I also knew that the writings about my life told nothing of me, only my actions. They neither described what I felt at the time or my motivations for all that occurred. In fact, Gabrielle was to be the first person to learn what made a Conqueror. Not from the outside, by writing down my every move, but by writing the words that best described all that I thought and felt in those early years.
I told her that my search for power led me toward a witch named Alti and how she used me for her own gain, yet saw in her visions my destiny. It was Alti who foretold that I would become the Destroyer of Nations and for a price, she promised she could bring that future about. When I told Gabrielle that Alti had only one price, I am quite certain that my young lover never expected me to say, blood. So much blood, and from so many.
I explained that I still had a conscience back then. Oh, I still did what the witch asked, even demanded, but at night, I began to have nightmares. The Amazons… especially the Amazons, but I didn't tell Gabrielle about them. To this day, I couldn't bear to say the words aloud. I destroyed, and I killed, and I took… everything. Anyone or anything that stood in my path, between my manifest destiny, and me, I crushed beneath my feet.
I spoke of the battle at Corinth between the armies under my command and the Centaurs. I needed to possess the Ixion stone, a treasured icon, to complete Alti's prophecy. I explained about Borias and how I found myself pregnant with Solan. It was at this point in my story that I could feel my heart growing heavier. I often wondered what would have happened on that day had I given up my quest just a day sooner, what my life would have been like if Borias had lived. It was not to have been and speculation was pointless.
I felt Gabrielle's body grow tense and paused in my tale. I closed my eyes and waited. How would I feel if Gabrielle was telling me the tale of her life with another lover? I took a deep breath and felt the same jealousy course through me, as she must be experiencing now. She had the right to ask and I waited to give her that opportunity.
"Were you in love with him?" Gabrielle asked.
I patiently explained that I never loved Borias and upon closer inspection and a little hindsight, his feelings for me were just as misguided. What kind of a man could have loved me back then? I was a ruthless, possessed, murderer. If Borias truly did love something about that woman, he wasn't seeing the real me. She was in there, but it would take many more seasons for her to emerge.
I continued my story, telling of my dealings with the Centaurs, what I knew at the time regarding the death of Borias, and finally of Solan.
"I remember walking into that clearing as if it happened this morning, Kaleipus standing there, ready to cut me down at the slightest provocation. I remember thinking in the back of my mind; I wonder if he'll kill me and if he does, if he'll kill my child too? I still had a lot of bleeding and cramps despite the santra flower that Satrina gave me, so I was a little wo
bbly on my feet, plus I'd just finished feeding Solan and my breasts were sore and ached when the cloth of my tunic rubbed across my chest."
Suddenly I realized that tears were streaming from my eyes as I held my head in Gabrielle's lap. Her hands wiped the tears away and brushed back the hair that fell across my face. My lover's soothing and tender touch simply bid the tears come that much harder. I choked on the words as I finished telling her what happened in that clearing.
~~~
Stop there, Xena!
You got my message. I just want to talk to you.
As you did before when you tried to kill me? It doesn't matter; you won't get the Ixion Stone. Borias, the friend of the Centaurs, has told us everything. We found his body in your camp, but his legend will live forever with our people.
Take this child. He's my son... the son of Borias. If he stays with me, he'll become a target for all those who hate me... he'll learn things that a child shouldn't know. He'll become like... me. Please...
The son of Borias shall be raised as my own...
~~~
"I hadn't cried in seasons… not since I was a child, but I cried when I walked away from that clearing. I cried for something that I would have ruined or gotten killed in no time at all. I found that so unsettling. The oddest thing was, when I left, I could feel the pulling sensation at my breast, as if he were still feeding. I suppose you think that's such a stupid thing to say," I choked completely on those last words and felt Gabrielle's hold on me tighten. It was then that my body decided to revolt and I began to cry in earnest, unable to stop the sobs that wracked my body.
I felt like I cried for days, when in truth perhaps two candlemarks passed. I felt empty in a way, but surprisingly better. This was perhaps the most ridiculous question I would ever ask Gabrielle, but I had to risk looking like a fool to ask her why that was. She kissed me and held me tighter and I sank back into her deceivingly strong embrace.
"Xena, you've been carrying that inside of you, never telling a soul, at least not in the way you just told me, for over twenty seasons. Saying the words aloud is a form of letting go, crying for our past is a way to release it."
I turned in her arms and looked up into forest green eyes. Gabrielle kissed my forehead and pushed the sweat-dampened hair from my face.
"People think that it's so much easier to stay quiet about things, that they're being strong in their silence. They don't realize that it takes so much more strength to let go of their pain than it does to hold on to it. You've harbored that pain within you so long that it almost seemed normal, or natural, to live with it. Now that the pain is free, your heart is remembering what it felt like to be without it. It's remembering that it felt much better."
I reached up to stroke her cheek with my fingertips. "How did you become so wise, so loving after all you've been through?"
She offered up a bittersweet smile through her tears. "Athena never gave me more than I could bear at one time. She sprinkled the seasons with people who actually cared about me, people who offered friendship. Why are you crying again, love?" Gabrielle asked as a renewed flood of tears spilled onto my cheeks.
"You've had so little in your life…"
"But I have so much right now," she smiled back at me, which I admit, caused me to smile in return.
"Do you, Gabrielle? All of this," I darted my eyes around the room, "is this what you want, am I what you want?"
"Oh, Xena," Gabrielle took my face in both her hands and kissed me deeply. "You're not just what I want, you're what I've dreamed of."
She took hold of my hands in her own and squeezed tightly. "Am I who you want, Xena… to truly love forever? I know that you've loved so many times before me…"
Without looking up, I took hold of one of Gabrielle's small hands and brought it to my lips. I gently kissed the palm and held her fingers against my cheek. I felt as much adrenaline pumping through my veins as if I were preparing for battle. I swallowed and took a deep breath. "You are all that I will ever want. I never knew how to love anyone before you came into my life, Gabrielle."
* * *
"You're so quiet now. Are you sure you feel better?" Gabrielle asked.
How could I tell her that I felt a fool? Would she think less of me for being human and not the Conqueror? I had to start getting better at this; I simply had to. I mentally gritted my teeth and waded in.
"I feel the fool," I admitted.
Gabrielle looked genuinely surprised. "You feel foolish for revealing your feelings to me?"
"Well… I… it makes me feel weak," I muttered inaudibly.
"What?"
"Weak," I answered loudly. "It makes me feel… weak."
"Xena," Gabrielle said moving to sit upright. "You are the strongest woman the world has ever known."
"Yes, but they don't see me as you do. I don't let them see me… vulnerable."
"But you let me see you that way. From the very first you did."
"I know, and I still don't know why. Except that I felt from the very beginning that you would never use it against me, never hurt me. Others… people will use what they know of you, Gabrielle. They'll use your words or your secrets to hurt or destroy you. I suppose that's why secrecy is so second nature with me."
Gabrielle leaned in again as I sat beside her and kissed my cheek. "You don't have to keep secrets any more, Xena. I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you."
She looked so sincere, even dedicated in her goal that I couldn't help but smile. Those few spoken words and suddenly my worry disappeared and the ache in my heart was gone. This small girl was going to protect the Conqueror of the known world. It amused me, yet touched me deeply.
"You will protect me, eh?" I grinned at her.
She looked at me with a sheepish expression, realizing now how her statement sounded. It didn't detract from her intent however, especially to my heart.
"I'll remember to stand behind you next time, little one." I grinned.
"I could protect you if you showed me how to use a weapon," she blurted out next.
"If I what?" I said quite a bit louder.
"Well, I just thought that--"
"And what sort of a weapon would you learn, were I so inclined to instruct you?" I interrupted.
It suddenly occurred to me that Gabrielle was changing in just as many ways as I was and being a strong woman myself, I had no desire for my future mate to be the kind of a person who was helpless in the face of danger. I don't know why this thought struck me the way it did, but there you have it.
"I--I don't know. Xena, what kinds of weapons are there?" Gabrielle asked in earnest.
I laughed long and loud, wrapping my arms around the small woman. "I am not laughing at you, little one. I'm laughing at myself. You remind me that I have taken myself much too seriously for too long now. I truly believe," I leaned in, nipping playfully at her neck, "that I have certainly met my match in you, Gabrielle."
She laughed and returned my playful kisses until I could no longer keep my hands from her body. I scooped her into my arms and moved toward the bedroom.
"Wait, Xena. What about Solan?"
"Let him get his own girl," I murmured against the soft skin of her breast.
"Oh, Xena, that feels… I mean, shouldn't you make sure he's comfortable or settled?"
I stopped suddenly, closing the heavy wooden door to our bedchamber with my foot. "Gabrielle, do you really think a young man Solan's age, visiting Corinth for the first time, is ready to be tucked into bed at this hour?"
"Oh," Gabrielle answered.
"Besides, I told Atrius to keep an eye on him. Now, my love… where was I?"
* * *
Sharing her verbal responses to pleasure may still have been new to Gabrielle, but her knowledge of the physical was beyond what most lovers could hope for. Her wisdom of all things sensual, combined with my passions for her, gave her the ability to bring my body to the pinnacle of ecstasy in no time at all. For the longest time, I wondered if Gabrielle knew o
f her power over me in this area of our lives. Now, I have to smile at my arrogance. Gods, of course she knows. It's what she did, what she was trained to do, and as good a warrior as I am, that's how talented a lover my Gabrielle is.
Does she know of her power? Seeing her now as she pushes my back flat against the bed and scoots farther away from me, commanding me to watch her, you have to know that she is quite aware. The young woman who blushes in public at the slightest mention of the physical pleasure we share in our private moments, takes command as if she were on stage. She grows confident in her ability when we are alone and this actress, playing the role of my seducer, mesmerizes me.
She slides the robe from my body, then moves back to one corner of the large bed, and shrugs her own dressing gown off. She settles herself into a mound of pillows there and I wonder now if she put them there earlier, planning such an evening for the two of us. I move to touch her, but it's made clear to me that we won't be playing the game my way tonight.
"No touching, my love, only watching…"
"Am I being punished then?" I purred. I stretched my long body out, leaning upon a bent elbow, and resting my head in the palm of my hand.
"I think you'd enjoy that too much," Gabrielle said under her breath. "Perhaps we'll save that for another time."
I swallowed hard at her bold response, not doubting her for a moment.
"You did spend all afternoon away from me, Conqueror," she chided softly.
I smiled, not at her admonishment, rather at her use of my title. Gabrielle tends to use the word as an endearment of sorts when we are alone and she is in a particularly playful mood.
"You seem very pleased with yourself. Perhaps you enjoy your horse's company to mine?"
"Well, he is a very talented mount." This time we both smiled and I was glad to see that she caught my double entendre.
Gabrielle's eyes went a deep green and I noticed that she kept her legs pressed together, careful not to reveal too much to my roving eyes. She positioned herself so that she was reclining against the cushions behind her, leaning slightly to one side. She mirrored my pose, resting her head in her hand. She slid her other hand up along the length of her leg, bringing it to rest on her stomach. Her thumb continued to brush the skin there in a back and forth motion, her fingers playing lightly along her mound's hairline.