The questions pounded into his head but he was just too tired to deal with them, too tired and too scared because there was no point lying to himself about that either. He was terrified of letting himself hope that she might still love him in case he ended up getting hurt again, so what was he going to do? Say something? Or say nothing?
A rush of black humour bubbled up inside when he realised just how hopeless the situation was. He could be damned if he said anything and damned if he didn’t!
CHAPTER TEN
‘I JUST came to say goodbye, Amelia. I’m going back to England tomorrow so I won’t see you again. I thought you might like this little present I brought for you.’
Kasey smiled when the little girl exclaimed in delight as she handed her a red silk hair scrunchie. It was Thursday afternoon and she was saying her farewells. The plane was due to land at Arumba airfield at six a.m. the following morning and would be leaving again as soon as the cargo had been unloaded. There wouldn’t be enough time for her to visit the patients tomorrow so she’d decided to get it over with that afternoon.
She gave Amelia a hug then made her way to Matthias’s room. Sarah was with him and she jumped up when Kasey went into the room.
‘Kasey! How lovely to see you.’
‘You, too.’ Kasey smiled at the other woman. ‘I’m glad you’re here because I was hoping to see you before I left.’
‘So it’s true that you’re leaving?’ Sarah said sadly. ‘We were hoping that Adam would change his mind but obviously he hasn’t.’
‘No.’ Kasey shrugged, determined not to let herself get too emotional because it wouldn’t help. ‘The plane is due to leave around eight in the morning so this is my last day at the hospital. I’ve really enjoyed working here and hope that I will be able to come back one day.’
‘Adam told me that the agency is going to send out another team of volunteers,’ Matthias agreed. ‘There’s definitely a need for it and we’re very grateful for all the help we’re receiving.’
‘It’s good to know that we’ve managed to achieve something,’ Kasey assured him. ‘Did you know that we’ve had more members of the original staff contact us about returning to work? It looks as though the hospital will soon be back on its feet at this rate. Anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye and say how lovely it’s been to meet you.’
She kissed them both, feeling a lump come to her throat when they wished her every happiness for the future. She couldn’t imagine ever being happy without Adam. She bit her lip as she made her way to the men’s ward because she’d made up her mind not to go down that route but it wasn’t easy to stop herself thinking about him all the time. For the past two nights she’d even dreamt about him—dreams that had mixed the past and the present together so that it had been doubly difficult to present a calm front during working hours.
As for Adam, well, he hadn’t put a foot wrong. He’d been polite and courteous whenever they’d spoken, thanking her after they’d finished in Theatre, including her in the conversation when they were back at the hostel. He’d been a model team leader and in a way that had made the situation even more stressful because if he’d been upset about her impending departure then surely he wouldn’t have behaved with such equanimity?
It was depressing to have to face the truth but there was no point deluding herself. She went into the ward and said goodbye to Florence then popped into the lab and said her farewells to Gordon and Joan who, as usual, were pouring over their microscopes. After that it was time to leave so she went outside and waited for the truck to arrive and ferry everyone back to the hostel. As soon as she got back, she went up to the bedroom and packed. June came in as she was zipping up her bag.
‘So it looks like you really are leaving us, then?’
‘’Fraid so.’ Kasey put the bag by the door and smiled at her. ‘Thanks for everything, June. You’ve been a real friend and helped me find my feet. I really appreciate it.’
‘Oh, get away with you! I haven’t done anything. If you’ve fitted in, it’s because everyone likes you and appreciates how hard you work.’
Kasey felt a lump come to her throat and turned away before she made a fool of herself by crying. ‘Well, whatever, it’s been great working with you. I’m going to miss you all such a lot.’
‘We’re going to miss you, too. I only wish…’ June broke off and sighed. ‘There’s no point going over it all again, is there? I’ll see you downstairs.’
‘I won’t be long.’ She summoned a smile although she knew what June had been going to say before she’d thought better of it. She, too, wished that Adam would change his mind but it wasn’t going to happen. ‘I intend to make my last night in Mwuranda one to remember so how about we hold a party? There’s an old stereo system in the storeroom so maybe we could get that out and play some music.’
‘Brilliant idea! Leave it to me. I’ll get it all sorted out.’
‘Thanks.’
Kasey sat down on the bed after June hurried away, needing a few moments on her own before she joined the party. She glanced round when someone tapped on the door and felt her pulse quicken when she saw Adam standing outside. He’d obviously just got back from the hospital and she couldn’t help noticing how drawn he looked. The past few days had taken their toll on him, too, and all of a sudden she wished that she could make things right between them. The thought of him still thinking badly of her after she’d returned to England was more than she could bear.
‘I thought I’d see if you needed a hand,’ he explained, coming into the room.
‘No. It’s fine, thanks.’ She pointed to her haversack. ‘I’m all packed and ready to leave in the morning.’
‘Oh, right. Fine.’ He turned to go but she knew that if she didn’t take her chance now there might not be another one.
‘I’m really sorry, Adam, about everything.’
‘And I’m sorry, too, Kasey.’ He turned to face her and she saw the pain in his eyes. ‘I haven’t handled this situation very well…’
‘You did your best.’ She couldn’t bear to hear him apologise when it wasn’t his fault. ‘It was bound to be difficult, having me on the team.’
‘But I should have been able to get over that. I don’t normally have a problem separating my personal life from my professional one, but there again I’ve never been in this situation before.’
‘I’m sure you haven’t. But I’d like to think that we can part as friends instead of enemies.’
‘I certainly don’t think of you as my enemy, Kasey,’ he said, his deep voice throbbing in a way that made heat suddenly pool in the pit of her stomach.
Kasey rose unsteadily to her feet. It had sounded as though he’d really meant that but was she reading too much into it? ‘Neither do I. I just wish…’ She broke off, unsure how much to say, and he frowned.
‘You wish what?’
‘That you would forgive me for what I did. But I know it’s too much to expect. I played a really rotten trick on you, Adam, and I’m sorry.’
‘I have forgiven you,’ he said, half under his breath, and she looked at him in surprise.
‘You have?’
‘Yes. How about you? Have you forgiven me for what I did to your brother?’
Kasey paused, searching her heart, feeling the relief that welled inside her all of a sudden. ‘Yes! I realise now that you never deliberately set out to hurt Keiran.’
‘Do you? You’re sure about that?’ he asked with an urgency that surprised her.
‘Yes. Oh, I don’t know why Keiran led me to believe that you were to blame. Maybe he found it too difficult to admit that it was his own fault his life had fallen apart, but I do know that you didn’t set out to hurt him. You did what you thought was right for everyone concerned and that’s what matters most.’
‘I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear you say that.’ He crossed the room and there was a new intensity in his gaze as he stared into her eyes. ‘It’s been unbearable to know that you thought I would be so cr
uel.’
‘It must have been hard for you,’ she said, biting her lip because there was no way she could doubt that he was telling her the truth. Her accusations had hurt him and it made her feel terrible to know that she’d piled pain on top of pain.
‘It was, but we have to move on, put what happened behind us. Maybe we can…’
He trailed off when Katie suddenly appeared. Kasey saw his face close up and it was all she could do to hide her frustration in front of the other woman.
‘Oops! I hope I’m not interrupting anything,’ the young nurse exclaimed.
Adam shook his head. ‘Of course not. I was just checking to see if Kasey needed a hand but she’s got everything covered. I’ll see you both at dinner.’
With that he was gone, striding along the corridor before Kasey could stop him. She took a deep breath and did her best to respond as Katie chattered happily on about the impromptu party that was being organized, but she couldn’t help wondering what would have happened if they hadn’t been interrupted. Adam had had something on his mind and it was frustrating to feel as though she’d come so close to making a breakthrough…
She sighed because she was probably deluding herself if she imagined he’d been about to declare his love for her! The likelihood of that happening was non-existent. If he’d cared about her, he certainly wouldn’t be sending her home in the morning.
June had pulled out all the stops and the party was a huge success. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves apart from him.
Adam sat on the sidelines and watched as everyone danced to the old-fashioned records they’d found packed away in the storeroom. June and Gordon danced past with more verve than skill and he smiled at them but it was an effort to appear upbeat when he was literally counting the minutes until Kasey left.
He’d come so close to blurting out that he still loved her. If they hadn’t been interrupted, he would have done it but it would have been a mistake. Maybe he didn’t know how he was going to let Kasey go but, equally, he didn’t know if he should ask her to stay. Was he really prepared to take such a risk with his heart for a second time?
He stood up abruptly, intending to make his escape while everyone was occupied, but just then Kasey came over to him. Like the other women in the group, she’d made an effort to dress up for the party and he couldn’t help thinking how gorgeous she looked. It made no difference that she was wearing the same clothes she’d worn throughout her stay in Mwuranda—cotton trousers and a long-sleeved shirt—because she still looked stunningly beautiful to his eyes. It was hard to behave calmly when he longed to sweep her into his arms and tell her how much he loved her, but he didn’t have a choice. He was too much of an emotional coward to declare his feelings.
‘Would you like to dance, Adam?’ she asked, smiling up at him.
He opened his mouth to explain that he’d been about to go to bed but for some reason the words didn’t come out the way he’d planned they should. ‘Thank you. I’d love to.’
‘Good.’
She treated him to another dazzling smile as she led the way to the centre of the room. Daniel was changing the record and they waited until an old-fashioned waltz started to play. Adam held out his arms and she stepped into them, fitting herself lightly against him as they began to dance to the lilting strains of the music, and it was like nothing he’d experienced before.
He’d never been a particularly good dancer, although he could find his way around a dance floor when pushed, but this was different. Every step they took matched seamlessly, every turn was perfectly in harmony. By the time the record ended, everyone else had stopped to watch them and he laughed when a spontaneous burst of applause broke out as the last chords faded away.
‘Thank you kindly,’ he said, bowing to their audience. He swept Kasey in front of him, grinning when she curtseyed in best theatrical fashion. ‘We shall now retire so that you don’t feel overawed by having to compete with us.’
A series of boos and catcalls greeted this suggestion and Kasey chuckled as he led her off the floor. ‘They’ll be throwing ripe tomatoes at us if you aren’t careful!’
‘Not if we beat a hasty retreat. I don’t know about you but all that dancing has worn me out. How about we take a breather?’
‘Fine by me.’
She followed him out of the sitting room, pausing when Adam stopped and glanced at the front door. ‘Fancy a stroll?’
‘So long as you promise we won’t get shot at this time.’ She grinned when he frowned. ‘I’m only kidding. It should be safe enough so long as we stay close to the building, shouldn’t it?’
He nodded as he led the way outside and took a long look around. ‘Should be, although there’s no guarantee, of course.’
‘I’ll risk it if you will.’
She walked down the steps, turning right when she reached the bottom, and he followed her. There was a full moon that night and he heard her sigh as she paused to look up at the sky.
‘It’s so beautiful here. Just look at that sky! You can’t see the stars so clearly at home because of the light pollution. But this is just amazing.’
‘It is,’ he said huskily, his eyes focused on her rather than on the heavens. She looked so beautiful as she stood there in the moonlight that he couldn’t resist touching her. Raising his hand, he let his fingers trace the gentle curve of her cheek and felt her flinch.
‘Please, don’t do that, Adam,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t think I can bear it.’
‘And I don’t think I can bear not to touch you,’ he said just as softly and with a catch in his voice.
She turned to face him and he saw the tears that shimmered in her eyes. ‘I wish we could go back to the beginning and start all over again.’
‘So do I but it isn’t possible.’ He cupped her cheek, feeling the dampness of her tears on his fingers. ‘We can only go forward from this point on, do what we think is right for both of us.’
‘And what is the right thing to do?’ She covered his hand with hers, pressing it against her face so that he could feel the warmth of her skin flowing into him like a living force. ‘Is it right that I should go back to England when I want to stay here? Because I do, Adam. I really do!’
‘I don’t know if sending you home is the right thing to do but it’s the only way I can deal with this situation,’ he said honestly. ‘Having you here just makes me feel more mixed up. I don’t know if I’m on my head or my heels most of the time and I can’t live like this, Kasey.’
‘But how do you know it will get better if I go back to England?’
‘I don’t. And that scares me, too, because I’m not someone who copes well with uncertainties. It’s the way I’m made. I know I can come across as cold and unyielding but it was how I was brought up. My parents discouraged any shows of emotions so I find it difficult to deal with my feelings.’
‘And what I did to you didn’t help,’ she said, her voice catching.
‘No, it didn’t. I suppose I retreated into myself even more. That’s probably why I’ve been so evil-tempered of late,’ he explained, aiming for levity and falling far short of the mark.
‘The situation would have tried the patience of a saint so I don’t blame you for that.’
‘Thank you.’ He let his hand fall to his side because it was too tempting to keep it there, too tempting to let it stray but that wouldn’t be fair. Making love to her the night before he sent her away was the last thing he should be thinking about if he hoped to live with himself in the future.
He took a deep breath and used it to damp down his ardour. ‘I’m afraid, Kasey. That’s the truth of the matter. I’m scared that I might get hurt again and it’s easier to send you home than risk that happening.’
‘I would never hurt you again, Adam,’ she said fervently. ‘I—’
‘No.’
He laid his fingers against her lips because he couldn’t bear to hear her say that she loved him in case it wasn’t true. Oh, she might genuinely believe that
she still had feelings for him, but they’d been through a lot in the last two weeks and her emotions were bound to be in turmoil. He didn’t think he could stand it if he let himself hope that she really loved him, only to have his dreams shattered when she realised that she’d made a mistake.
‘The past couple of weeks have been an emotional time for both of us so let’s not say anything we might regret. Let’s just be glad that we can part as friends.’
‘If that’s what you want…?’
‘It is.’ He drew her to him, held her against him while he savoured this last, too-brief moment then let her go. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done while you’ve been here, Kasey. I’m going back to the hospital now so I won’t be here in the morning when you leave. Have a safe journey.’
‘And that’s it? You’re sure you want me to leave like this?’
‘Yes. I’m sure.’
He turned away and it was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do, to walk away and leave her standing there. Climbing into the Jeep, he started the engine, not allowing himself to look back as he drove away because he couldn’t bear to see her standing there, where he’d left her.
Tears clouded his vision and he blinked hard as he turned onto the road. He had done the right thing—the only thing—but it didn’t feel like that. It felt as though he’d ripped out his own heart and thrown it away, thrown away any chance he might have had of happiness in the future. There was only one Kasey Harris, only one woman he would ever love, and he had just sent her away!
‘Now, make sure you phone me, won’t you? Here’s my number, and here’s my address as well in case of any problems.’
The Forever Assignment Page 15