by Adam Cece
So, considering the dangers of computers in Huggabie Falls, it was very surprising to Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, when they walked along the Digmont Drive that winds up the hill beside town—hoping that they could see the House of Spooks from up there—that they found Felonious Dark talking on a mobile phone.
Felonious Dark smiled suspiciously as they walked up to him, and said, ‘I’ll call you back,’ into the phone, and then popped it in his trousers pocket.
‘Mr Dark,’ Cymphany said in alarm. ‘Aren’t you worried about catching a computer virus? My mum caught one once and she got corrupted: she started drinking tomato sauce straight from the bottle—it was horrible.’
Felonious Dark smiled. ‘It’s all right. It’s not even on. I just like to pretend I’m talking on a mobile phone so that I look important.’
Tobias chuckled. ‘Mr Dark, if you keep doing weird things like that, you’re going to become a typical Huggabie Falls resident in no time.’
‘What are you even doing up here, Mr Dark?’ Kipp asked.
‘I’m trying to find the House of Spooks,’ Felonious Dark said, removing a flyer from his pocket. ‘I’ve been wondering about all the unbelievably scary things that keep happening, and then this flyer blew into my face this morning, even though there wasn’t a breath of wind about. It was quite—’
‘Fortuitous?’ Tobias interrupted.
‘I was going to say annoying,’ Felonious Dark said. ‘But fortuitous will do.’
Kipp exclaimed that a flyer had blown into his face that extremely calm, unwindy morning as well.
‘It’s almost,’ Cymphany said, ‘as if some invisible force is controlling this world we live in, and dropping convenient clues on us right when we need them; I mean, remember the business card in the letterbox when we were trying to find out about the extremely weird thing that happened in Huggabie Falls?’
I honestly can’t believe Cymphany said that. I mean here I am trying to convince you that I am not manipulating this story by planting flyers, or business cards, for that matter, and Cymphany goes and says something potentially reputation-ruining like that. I tell you, my life would be a lot easier if I just wrote nice fictional characters, who said nice fictional things I could control. But I don’t, so let’s just get on with it.
And by the way, did you believe what Felonious Dark said about his mobile phone not being turned on? If you did, then perhaps you need to think a bit about who you are trusting in this story. Especially since the hill beside Huggabie Falls is one of the best places in Huggabie Falls to get a mobile phone signal.
Kipp, like me, didn’t believe that Felonious Dark’s mobile phone wasn’t turned on, especially because Felonious Dark’s pocket kept vibrating as he and the children walked up to the highest point of the hill. On the other side of the hill Digmont Drive ran down to the Digmont Drive that crossed the Huggabie Falls River and was the only road out of town.
From the top of the hill they could see all of Huggabie Falls spread out beneath them, including the far off misty lake, which was full of vegetarian piranhas and had a water treatment plant in the middle, which was where Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany had succeeded in foiling the creepy scientist’s plans. They could also see all the way from the dam walls of the hydroelectric power station on one side of town to the dam walls of the hydro-electric power station on the other side of town. One of the weird things about Huggabie Falls—of which, as you know, there were many—was the fact that there was a hydro-electric power station on each side of town. This made it a particularly bad idea to arrange to meet someone by the hydro-electric power station, because if you went to the wrong one, you’d be as far away from meeting that person as you could possibly be.
Kipp, Tobias, Cymphany and Felonious Dark stood on the top of the hill and looked at the town below. Cymphany took a telescope out of her satchel and extended it. Did I mention that Cymphany always carried a satchel that seemed to have a useful item in it for any occasion? I wouldn’t even have to mention it if those people who hadn’t read the first book had quickly raced off and read it in between chapters one and two. Don’t even get me started.
Felonious Dark raised an eyebrow. ‘You carry a telescope around with you?’ he said questioningly.
Cymphany shrugged. ‘Yes. It pays to be prepared.’ Cymphany put the telescope to her eye and began to sweep it slowly back and forth over the town.
Tobias shook his head. ‘Why does Huggabie Falls need two hydro-electric plants, anyway? We’re only a small town.’
‘There,’ Cymphany said, pointing. ‘I see a tall wonky old house, with black clouds above it and vultures circling the spires.’
Kipp squinted and strained, because he didn’t have the telescope. ‘That’s definitely the place. Down there, on the north side of Digmont Drive.’
‘Actually’—Tobias put his finger up—‘it’s on the south side of Digmont Drive. What you’re looking at is the reflection of the House of Spooks in the Huggabie Falls Mirror Emporium on the other side of the road.’
‘Wow’—Cymphany adjusted the focus on her telescope—‘that’s a huge mirror.’
Felonious Dark clapped his hands together. ‘Well, what are we waiting for. Let’s get down there.’
Kipp raised an eyebrow as he looked at Felonious Dark. ‘Mr Dark,’ he said. ‘Why is your pocket vibrating?’
If it’s possible for a person to look more busted than Felonious Dark did right then, I haven’t seen it.
‘Ah, it’s not my pocket,’ Felonious Dark said quickly, composing himself. ‘I swallowed a fly. It must be buzzing around in my stomach.’
If it’s possible for three children to look less convinced by a response than Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany did right then, I haven’t seen that either. But, then again, there are lots of things I haven’t seen.
But Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany didn’t have time to quiz Felonious Dark about the super-fly that seemed to be able to survive in his stomach, even with all the stomach acid swishing about in there. They had a spooky house to visit.
I am not a huge fan of ghost-train rides at fairgrounds for a number of reasons.
Reason number one: most of the time these trains do not actually take you anywhere. They go around in a loop, ending with you back where you began. Honestly, if the inventor of the train—who I’m sure was dedicated to the transportation of people from one location to another—found out their invention was being used to take people back to where they’d started, they would probably die of shock, if they weren’t already dead, which I guess they are, because trains have been around for a long time.
Reason number two: why would ghosts need to catch a train in the first place? They are see-through and they can swish through walls and so on—and I’m sure I’ve never seen a ghost in line for a train ticket to go to the coast for the weekend. The ‘ghosts’ on the ghost train aren’t even on the train, are they? They are actually around the train and they’re just people in bad costumes, jumping out from behind gravestones, which are really just painted lumps of foam. So the correct title for the train should be ordinary-people train that takes you nowhere, with unconvincing ghosts and spooky sounds along the way.
And reason number three: they give me the heebie jeebies.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, that’s right. Kipp, Tobias, Cymphany and a still-vibrating Felonious Dark had hurried down from the top of the hill along various Digmont Drives and they now stood in front of the House of Spooks.
‘It looks like something out of the ghost-train ride they have at the Huggabie Falls Annual Fair,’ Kipp said.
The black, towering, wonky house had scarecrows of ghosts and skeletons and werewolves in the overgrown front yard. Spooky screams were being blasted from speakers attached to the house. And there were signs that read ‘Enter If You Dare’ and ‘Your Doom Awaits Inside’ and ‘Deliveries Around the Back, Please’.
When Kipp mentioned that the house reminded him of one of those appalling ghost-train rides, Felonious Dark’s face bri
ghtened. ‘Oh, I love ghost-train rides,’ he said, which just goes to show you Felonious Dark was still a suspiciously strange individual, despite the fact that he claimed to be reformed.
Felonious Dark and Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany entered the House of Spooks through the rickety front door, which made a screaming noise when it opened. They pushed through spiderwebs into a tiny foyer, where a man wearing a top hat and a lab coat stood at a podium in front of a curtain door, which appeared to lead deeper into the house.
The man held his arms out wide. ‘Welcome,’ he boomed, ‘to the House of Spooks, where your scariest and most’—he paused and pulled a scrap of paper from his pocket and glanced at it—‘honourific nightmares will come true. Enter if you dare.’
Cymphany held up her favourite correcting finger, which was the one next to her thumb on her left hand. ‘Ah, I think you mean horrific nightmares,’ she said.
The man glanced at his bit of paper again and smiled thinly at her. ‘Well, aren’t you a smart little cookie? Horrific nightmares, yes,’ he said. ‘I am the proprietor of the House of Spooks. Rides on the ghost train are five dollars. And there are no free tickets under any circumstances.’
Sorry to interrupt, but I just want to ask any readers out there who are keen correctors like Cymphany to please not write in to tell me the correct anatomical name for the finger next to the thumb. I think it might be called the index finger, but I didn’t want to write that just in case I was wrong, and I didn’t want to waste time rushing off to get a medical encyclopedia to look it up when Cymphany, Tobias and Kipp were just about to find out what has been going on in Huggabie Falls to cause all the unbelievably scary things that have been happening. Just saying it is the finger next to the thumb should be enough, as we all know which finger I’m talking about. But I can just see the letters now:
Dear Mr Cece,
I was really enjoying your book, The Unbelievably Scary Thing that Happened in Huggabie Falls, which was much better than I expected—it is an incredible, tantalising and captivating sequel, perhaps even better than book one, and obviously written by a dashing and heroic author. But then I got up to the bit about Cymphany holding up her index finger and I had to throw my book across the room in disgust. How can you not know the most basic names for parts of the human body!
You numbskull.
Signed,
Smug Know-It-All
I’ve got a few things to say about anyone who might write a letter like this:
How dare you call me a numbskull!
Stop wasting my, and everyone else’s, time, with your rant about what fingers are called. No one cares, and everyone wants to just find out what is going to happen to Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, and Felonious Dark, in the House of Spooks, and they don’t want to sit about and wait while you carry on about fingers.
But I almost forgive you already, because of the lovely thing you wrote about my sequel being captivating and about me being dashing and heroic. I must confess to being both of those things. Your kind words have just brightened up my whole day. So I do forgive you. In fact, I’m thinking about buying you a present.
Now, where was I? Oh, that’s right. Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany had just entered the House of Spooks with Felonious Dark, and Cymphany had just corrected the man in the top hat and lab coat, by holding up her index finger, which I know is the correct name for it now, because after all that I went and looked it up in a medical encyclopedia.
Kipp raised his hand, as if he was at school and wanted to ask a question, which he wasn’t but it did get the man’s attention. ‘Excuse me, but why are you wearing a lab coat?’ he said. ‘Are you a scientist?’
Tobias shuddered. ‘We’ve had run-ins with scientists before, and you can probably tell from my shudder that they weren’t good run-ins.’
The top-hatted man laughed. ‘No, of course I’m not a scientist. Scientists aren’t the only people who wear lab coats, you know.’
Cymphany scrunched up her brow. ‘Umm… they sort of are.’
And I agree with Cymphany, so we are going to refer to this man as the top-hatted scientist from now on.
The top-hatted scientist shooed away Cymphany’s comments. ‘That’s ridiculous. Scientists wear lab coats, yes, but so do lab-coat models, and House of Spooks proprietors, which is what I am.’ The top-hatted scientist stopped when he looked at Felonious Dark. ‘Wait a minute, do I know you from somewhere?’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany looked at Felonious Dark, as if to say, Mr Dark, is there something you haven’t been telling us? We trusted you and now we think that might not have been a very smart thing to do.
Felonious Dark frowned. ‘No, I don’t think so,’ he said. ‘I’ve never even been to somewhere.’
The top-hatted scientist looked puzzled for a moment, but then he smiled. ‘My mistake,’ he said. ‘There’s probably lots of people in this town who are tall and thin and evil-looking.’
‘No there aren’t,’ said Kipp, holding up an index finger, as he’d obviously learnt about correcting people from Cymphany.
‘Oh, look,’ said the top-hatted scientist, producing four printed cards from behind the podium. ‘You have won four free tickets for the House of Spooks ghost train. Congratulations. In you go.’ And he swept the curtain aside to reveal a dimly lit passage.
‘Wait a minute,’ said Cymphany. ‘You said no free tickets under any circumstances.’
The top-hatted scientist glared at her. ‘That doesn’t sound like something I’d say. In you go.’ And he ushered them through the curtain doorway and swished it shut behind them. Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany heard the sound of a bolt sliding across somewhere on the other side of the curtain.
‘Wait a minute?’ Felonious Dark said, pushing the curtain. It didn’t budge. ‘How does a curtain lock, anyway? And fancy that man saying I looked evil. Can’t he see I’m reformed?’
Cymphany smiled. ‘Well, you are wearing a T-shirt with ‘Don’t Trust Me, I’m Evil’ on it.’
Felonious Dark crossed his arms and harrumphed with annoyance. ‘Well, I’m not going to throw out all my T-shirts just because I’m reformed, am I?’
But Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany didn’t answer him. They had already begun exploring the dingy hallway. At the end they found a mini train track, with four inter-linked carts on it: one, conveniently, for each of them.
On the wall was a sign that read:
Cymphany, Tobias and Kipp climbed into the first three carts, which left Felonious Dark to climb into the back cart, which was so small that he had to bend his legs so tight that his knees were above his head.
‘Comfy back there, Mr Dark?’ Tobias asked.
‘Pardon?’ Felonious Dark yelled. ‘I can’t hear anything. My thighs are covering my ears.’
The small train jerked and screeched and started clanking along the rusty tracks. It went through doorways, creaking along, crawling slowly from room to room through the House of Spooks.
‘It’s like an indoor rollercoaster,’ Kipp said, looking around the spooky, dim rooms as they inched through each one.
‘The most boring rollercoaster ever,’ Cymphany yawned, ‘without any up and down fun bits.’
The rooms were old and dusty, full of rather unconvincing statues of ghouls and creatures, with crackly screams and evil cackles coming from speakers in each room. Bats and spiders on bouncing strings dropped down in front of the train every now and then, and one of these hit Cymphany on her head, which she found irritating, and not at all scary, despite the warning signs that read:
‘I’m not sure this is the place we’re after,’ Kipp said after about five boring rooms, not even flinching when a mop with teeth loomed up beside him. It took him a few moments to realise it was supposed to be a werewolf. ‘It’s hard to believe any of the unbelievably scary stuff happening in Huggabie Falls came from here.’
And just then Tobias jumped out of his cart, ignoring another red warning sign, which read:
As Tobias ducked under a flying pillowc
ase with eye holes cut in it, which may or may not have been meant to resemble a ghost, Cymphany, who most of the time was quite a fan of rules, said, ‘Ah, Tobias. I don’t think you’re supposed to leave the ride, even if there’s a python in your cart. I mean, what part of that sign over there are you not getting?’
But Tobias had already disappeared into a dark doorway behind a painted-foam gravestone.
Kipp looked at Cymphany. She glared back at him and said, ‘Don’t even think about following him.’
So Kipp took his friend’s advice, and didn’t think about it, he just did it. He jumped out of his slow-moving cart and followed Tobias.
‘Where is everyone going,’ Felonious Dark yelled way too loud in the small echoey room—his legs were still blocking his ears.
Cymphany sat in her cart for a few seconds, looking at the doorway Kipp and Tobias had disappeared into. Then she sighed. ‘Fiddlesticks,’ she said, and she got out of her cart and followed her friends.
Felonious Dark watched her go, and he jerked and wriggled, trying to get at least one leg out of the cart. ‘Ah, kids,’ he said. ‘I’ll meet you at the other end. I think I’m stuck. Also, didn’t any of you see the sign?’
Kipp and Cymphany followed Tobias through the doorway, to find it led down a hallway with a door at the end that had a big red warning sign on it.
Cymphany shook her head. ‘Whoever runs this place is obsessed with warning signs. I just passed one that read: “Warning, warning sign ahead”.’
Tobias and Kipp agreed the warning signage in the House of Spooks was a tad overdone. They all read this latest warning sign: