by Adam Cece
‘Definitely,’ Cymphany said.
Felonious Dark stood up. ‘All right, let’s do it. I’m not going to get pushed around by some weird top-hat-wearing scientist and my brother, with his fancy long name. Let’s go back to that House of Spooks and—’
Felonious Dark’s face froze, and his eyes locked on something behind Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, who all turned around in anticipation.
Standing in the middle of the road was a small tattered teddy bear, with one ear missing as if it had been chewed off, and one button eye hanging out of its eye socket by a piece of thread. The weirdest thing of all was that the teddy bear was smiling at them.
‘Mr Puddles?’ Felonious Dark said, his whole body trembling.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany spun back around. ‘Mr Dark, who is Mr Puddles?’ Tobias asked.
It took Felonious Dark a long time to answer. He didn’t take his eyes off the bear. ‘It’s my…’ He paused and collected himself. ‘I’d rather not say.’
Cymphany looked at Felonious Dark’s face. ‘Mr Dark, are you scared of that cute little bedraggled bear?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Felonious Dark said, still not taking his eyes off the teddy bear. ‘I’m not scared of Mr Puddles. I’m way beyond scared. I’m petrified.’
‘But why?’ asked Kipp.
‘Did I mention I’d rather not say?’ Felonious Dark said. ‘But the last time I saw Mr Puddles was when I imprisoned him in chains and mailed him to Tunisia. And now he has found his way back, somehow.’
Tobias grabbed Felonious Dark’s arm and shook it. ‘No he isn’t. Snap out of it, Mr Dark. Mr Puddles is not real. He’s just a hard-light hologram.’
But at that moment, Mr Puddles took a step, and then another one. And he slowly walked towards them.
‘Sorry, children,’ Felonious Dark said as calmly as he could. ‘Real or not, I’m terrified of that bear. You’re on your own.’ And he sprinted off down Digmont Drive screaming hysterically. The small bear turned to look at Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, and his little teddy-bear eyebrows formed a ferocious V-shape. He sneered evilly at them, before leaping onto the back of a passing alpaca and galloping after Felonious Dark.
A second later, a scare ball, which was obviously the scare ball powering and projecting Mr Puddles, galloped past on the back of another alpaca.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany stared down the street in shock. Finally Tobias said, ‘Wow, Mr Puddles and the evil Brussels sprout with the very bad Scottish accent should get together and go grand piano shopping or something.’
Cymphany raised a curious eyebrow at Tobias. ‘Why?’
Tobias shrugged. ‘I’m just guessing they’d have a lot in common.’
After the slightly weird experience, even by Huggabie Falls’ particularly weird standards, of watching an evil hard-light hologram teddy bear chasing Felonious Dark on the back of an alpaca, Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany headed over to Cymphany’s house, which was nearby on, unsurprisingly, Digmont Drive.
They found the house surrounded by a circle of geese. ‘I’m going to take a wild guess,’ Tobias said to Cymphany. ‘That someone in your family is scared of geese.’
It was at precisely that moment that a shriek from above made them look up to the chimney on top of Cymphany’s house, and they saw Cymphany’s dad clinging to the top of it. ‘We’re moving,’ he yelled. ‘One of the main reasons I wanted to move to Huggabie Falls in the first place was that it didn’t have a local goose population.’ He jabbed a trembling finger at the geese. ‘Does that look like no local goose population to you?’
Cymphany began scanning the ground. ‘We need to find the scare ball that’s projecting all these geese and turn it off. If they can be turned off.’
‘Seriously,’ Tobias said. ‘We should at least try some flyspray.’
Cymphany and Kipp gave him an as-if look.
They searched for the scare ball in the bushes in Cymphany’s front yard, under rocks and in the letterbox, even in Cymphany’s satchel, in case it had snuck in there. But their job was made very difficult by the geese, which kept flapping their wings and charging and snapping at them.
Kipp looked worried. ‘I wonder if my parents have been scared by the scare balls too. Hopefully they’re not packing the car to leave Huggabie Falls.’
Cymphany cupped her hands around her mouth and called up to her dad. ‘Dad, we’re going over to Kipp’s. Don’t go anywhere.’
‘Go anywhere?’ Cymphany’s dad forced out a petrified squeak. ‘I only wish our chimney was taller—then I’d go further up it. When your mother gets home tell her I’m having my dinner up here tonight. She should be back soon. She was just going to stop off and check out the House of Spooks. I popped in there this morning. It’s wonderful. Lot of warning signs, though.’
‘This is not good,’ said Kipp. ‘We have to get to my place now.’
When Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany arrived at Kipp’s place they found everything was normal. Or as normal as things can be when both your parents are invisible.
‘Have we been scared?’ Kipp’s mum’s voice said, moments later, repeating Kipp’s question. ‘No, but we were just about to watch a scary movie.’
Kipp gasped. ‘Did it come out of a small metal ball with spider legs?’
Even though Kipp couldn’t see his mum’s face, she sounded like she was frowning. ‘Ah… no, it came from the movie shop.’
‘Are you scared of movie shops, Ms Kindle?’ Tobias blurted out. ‘Did the movie shop come out of a small metal ball with spider legs? Did the ball come from the House of Spooks?’
Kipp’s mum laughed. ‘The House of Spooks? That new attraction? They were giving out free tickets at the supermarket the other day. I went there for a look this morning.’
‘Did anyone give you a metal ball?’ Cymphany asked. ‘Where is the ball?’ she demanded, taking a can of flyspray from her satchel, because it was worth a try, and making Kipp and Tobias amazed once again that Cymphany seemed to have absolutely everything in that satchel.
Now Ms Kindle sounded concerned. ‘No one gave me a metal ball. Are you feeling all right, Cymphany? And I’m not so sure you should be carrying a can of flyspray around with you. It could be dangerous.’
Cymphany stayed on guard for a moment, but it soon become obvious the only thing her can of flyspray was going to be good for was spraying flies, and there were none of those about. She popped the can back in her satchel. ‘Sorry, Ms Kindle,’ she said. ‘I might have got a little bit carried away. I think it’s time for me to go home to my family, and the geese.’
And because everything seemed to be perfectly normal at Kipp’s house, Cymphany and Tobias said goodbye and went home to their own terrified parents.
At school the next day, Kipp held up a poster. ‘What do you think of this?’ he said.
The poster was for a Nothing-Scary-Here-at-All party. Cymphany and Tobias had already seen it, many times, because it was plastered all over Huggabie Falls. Not that there were many people left in town to see the posters—the streets were getting more and more deserted by the hour.
The classroom Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany sat in was similarly deserted. Kipp, Cymphany and Tobias were three of only five students in class. The other two students were Ug Ugg (the brainiac eleven-year-old troll, whose biggest fear was probably missing school, so it was no surprise he was there) and Lemonade Limmer. Lemonade was a time-traveller, who hadn’t yet heard about the unbelievably scary thing that was happening in Huggabie Falls, because yesterday she had been in the year 1845. Their teacher, Mrs Turgan, had not shown up at all, and they wondered if she was still a pencil sharpener in the drawer, but no one dared take a look.
Cymphany took the ‘Nothing Scary Here at All’ party poster from Kipp, and read it out loud:
‘At the House of Spooks we usually spend all our time trying to scare people. But considering all the unbelievably scary stuff that’s going on in town, we want to give Huggabie Falls residents a nice place to get away fr
om all the scariness, and we promise there will be nothing scary at our party tonight, at all. And free popcorn.’
Cymphany looked closely at the picture of a very unscary unicorn holding flowers on the poster and screwed up her face. ‘Why would the House of Spooks, which we know is behind all the scaring, be holding a Nothing-Scary-Here-at-All party?’
Tobias shrugged. ‘Well, I think we’d better go and get some free popcorn…errr, I mean go and find out.’
‘Somehow, I doubt there is going to be any free popcorn,’ Kipp said. ‘But I’m sure the top-hatted scientist is definitely up to something.’
Tobias’s jaw dropped. ‘You mean the poster is lying about the free popcorn?’ He slumped back in his seat. ‘That’s false advertising! Somebody should do something about the top-hatted scientist and the House of Spooks.’
‘I’ve got it.’ Cymphany clicked her fingers. ‘I bet I know what Mr Dark Two and the top-hatted scientist are up to. It’s probably taking too long to get the scare balls distributed to everyone in Huggabie Falls, but if you get the whole town together in one place…’
Kipp nodded. ‘Then they can unleash the rest of the scare balls. It will be a mass-scaring event. The Nothing-Scary-Here-at-All party will soon become the Everything-Scary-Here party.’
‘But I still don’t understand,’ Tobias said. ‘Why did they lie about the free popcorn. I mean, that’s just mean.’
Cymphany blinked at Tobias. ‘Yes, Tobias. We already know they are mean—they kidnapped Conrad Creeps.’
‘I still don’t understand,’ Kipp said, ‘why the top-hatted scientist didn’t give my mum a scare ball.’
‘Just be thankful he didn’t,’ Tobias said. ‘My dad made my mum and me help him dig a moat around our house last night, so the vacuum-cleaner salespeople couldn’t reach our front door. And we’re leaving Huggabie Falls forever, straight after the Nothing-Scary-Here-at-All party tonight. We would have left today, but my dad loves free popcorn almost as much as I do.’
‘Tobias is right,’ Cymphany said to Kipp. ‘Just be thankful neither of your parents have got a scare ball yet. My parents said I could say goodbye to everyone at the Nothing-Scary-Here-at-All party, and then they will pick me up on their way out of town.’
Kipp sighed. ‘By tomorrow we could all be living in different towns.’
They sat in silence, absorbing the grimness of this thought.
Tobias looked very sad. ‘I don’t know what I’ll do without you guys.’
‘You won’t have to do anything without us,’ Cymphany said, jumping to her feet. ‘Whatever Mr Dark Two and the top-hatted scientist are planning for tonight’s party, we’re going to stop it.’
Tobias and Kipp could see the look of determination in their friend’s eyes, and it must have filled them with determination too, because they nodded. ‘And,’ Tobias said, ‘at the very least we’ll get some free popcorn.’
Cymphany’s look of determination turned into a look of annoyance. ‘Tobias, for the last time, I really doubt there is going to be any free popcorn.’
Tobias sighed. ‘Oh, yeah, that’s right. Wow, there’s mean, and then there’s lying-about-free-popcorn mean.’
Soon Cymphany and Tobias were so busy arguing about whether false free-popcorn advertising was worse than kidnapping someone and scaring people, and Kipp was so busy wondering when they would stop, that none of them noticed when an adult entered the classroom.
It wasn’t Mrs Turgan, who was either still a pencil sharpener or had been scared out of town too.
I think it would fair to assume, as I did, that the adult entering the room and placing his briefcase on the desk at the front of the class was a substitute teacher. But, then again, it is dangerous to assume anything, particularly in Huggabie Falls, where weirdness and coincidences are quite normal.
When Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany looked up, they jumped in alarm, because standing at the front of the class, smiling in a sneering evil way, was Felonious Dark Two.
They could tell it was Felonious Dark Two because he stood with the sort of arrogant confidence that only a person with a name three letters longer than his next-longest-named sibling can stand.
‘Hello, children,’ he said. ‘As you would have already assumed, if you are reckless enough to assume something in Huggabie Falls, I am your substitute teacher.’
‘About time,’ Ug Ugg said, and he flipped open his textbook and straightened his bow tie. ‘We’ve missed nine minutes and nineteen seconds of valuable learning time already.’
Felonious Dark Two smiled and opened his briefcase. ‘Before we start,’ he said. ‘I’ve got some presents I want you children to take home to your parents.’ He removed two metal balls from his briefcase and placed them on the desk.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany gasped and recoiled.
Ug Ugg, on the other hand, bounded up to the front of the class.
‘Don’t do it, Ug,’ Kipp said, and he jumped up. ‘They’re scare balls.’
Ug frowned at him, picking up a metal ball. ‘I always listen to teachers. Maybe you should try it. You might get better marks.’
Cymphany’s whole body jerked. ‘Hey! I get great marks.’
Lemonade also collected her scare ball. Tobias opened his mouth to tell her to stop, but she held up her hand. ‘It’s okay, Tobias. I know this is a scare ball. I’ve already lived this week three times, and I know how this is all going to end.’
‘Do you?’ Tobias said. ‘Can you tell us? It would be really great for my anxiety right now.’
‘But that would ruin all the fun.’ Lemonade smiled mischievously, lobbing the scare ball into the air and catching it, before sauntering back to her seat.
Tobias shook his head. ‘What is the point of having a time-travelling kid in your class, if she won’t tell you what happens in the future?’
Kipp didn’t hear Tobias, as he was busy glaring at Felonious Dark Two. ‘We know who you are,’ he said.
Felonious Dark Two chuckled. ‘Oh, really? Well congratulations. But that won’t help you.’
‘Why are you trying to scare everyone out of Huggabie Falls?’ Cymphany asked.
Felonious Dark Two laughed. ‘I’m afraid I’ve seen too many action movies where the diabolical evil genius is stupid enough to reveal his plan to the heroes. That would be the sort of thing my brother would do, but it’s not really his fault he’s stupid—he has three fewer letters in his name than I have. No wonder he had to become reformed.’
Tobias shook his head. ‘I think you guys put too much importance on the number of letters in a person’s name. Does that really matter?’
‘Of course it matters,’ Felonious Dark Two roared. ‘All the greatest people in history have longer names than their siblings.’
Kipp blinked. ‘Anyway, why are you here? To hand out more scare balls?’
Felonious Dark Two smiled. ‘Isn’t it obvious why I’m here?’
Cymphany turned to Felonious Dark Two, with a look as if to say, not really. Then she must have decided that the look wasn’t enough, because she said, ‘Not really.’
Felonious Dark Two laughed again. ‘I’m a substitute teacher.’
‘You are?’ Kipp spluttered.
‘The best long-named substitute teacher ever,’ Felonious Dark Two said. ‘Being an evil assistant to the top-hatted scientist is a great job, but teaching is my real passion. So if you’ll open your textbooks to page ninety-three, we’ll get started.’
So Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, feeling more than a little bit bewildered, opened their textbooks to page ninety-three, and Felonious Dark Two began teaching the class. All things considered, he was actually a very good teacher. Not a single student got turned into an artichoke, like they often did when Mrs Turgan was teaching them, and they learnt a lot about long-named people who had changed the world, which was actually quite interesting.
When the bell rang, Felonious Dark Two said, ‘Unfortunately I won’t see you tomorrow, children, as you will all have left Hug
gabie Falls by then. See you at the party tonight, though, I hope. It’s going to be a scream.’
‘That really was the best morning at school we’ve ever had,’ Cymphany said to Tobias and Kipp as they walked to lunch. ‘I can’t believe the longest word in the English language contains 189,819 letters. And you know what, I think Mr Dark Two is right, it really is the best word. It’s a shame we can’t have Mr Dark Two as a teacher all the time.’
Kipp’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Cymphany! Mr Dark Two is working with the top-hatted scientist to scare everyone out of Huggabie Falls.’
‘But look,’ Cymphany said. ‘He drew little smiley faces on my test. I mean, our tests end up covered in ox saliva when Mrs Turgan marks them.’
Tobias chewed on his lip thoughtfully. ‘How are we going to stop Mr Dark Two and the top-hatted scientist, and destroy the scare balls, and destroy that machine, and rescue Conrad Creeps? Officer Snaildraw has left town, Mr Dark has been chased off by a weird old teddy bear, and no adults will listen to us.’
Cymphany sighed. ‘Look, we’ve been in worse situations.’
‘We have?’ Kipp and Tobias said in unison. ‘When?’
Cymphany stopped. ‘Errr…’ she said. ‘We were chased by blood-sucking bats, attacked by vegetarian piranhas and, oh yeah, I was turned into a baby hippopotamus.’
Kipp nodded. ‘But did you come face to face with your greatest fear?’
The look on Cymphany’s face gave Kipp his answer. She was suddenly as white as milk.
‘The top-hatted scientist made a scare ball for Tobias,’ Kipp continued, ‘and he’s probably going to make one for each of us soon. I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t want to see my greatest fear.’
‘Actually, you’re right,’ Cymphany said. ‘This is as bad as it’s ever been.’
Tobias sighed. ‘If only we could get an adult to listen to us. I mean, even that woman who runs the “We Always Listen” advice line wouldn’t listen. I think she was lying when she said she’d turned deaf.’