by Kenna Bardot
The Docents guided us into a small room carpeted in plush wall-to-wall red. Once we were all in the room, the door shut tightly behind us. Docent Ho, who looked uncharacteristically somber, stood at the front of the room. All the other Air Docents stood behind her and none of them looked particularly pleased.
Gale went over to stand with them as I walked over to stand next to Lottie. “Hey, Lot. Still feeling murderous?”
She turned to me, and I saw she was hitting her fan against the palm of her left hand. Her eyes were bloodshot and her hair looked liked a bird’s nest. “Zeevar, it’s too early for anything. I didn’t have nearly enough coffee yesterday to prepare for this shit show.”
Docent Ho held out a hand, clutching her knife tightly. “Everyone, settle down. We apologize for the early hour but as fourth years, you have reached the point where you are no longer ‘Rooks’ as first to third years are, but you will be ‘Disciples’ - on your way to becoming certified Air Mages.”
Everyone else started speaking, and I felt the excitement buzz around the room - even Pia ‘the slut’ Ramos seemed genuinely pleased at the announcement. I could not join in, not after observing the Docents were not in a celebratory mood. I tensed and reached under my sleeve to touch the stock of my whip for comfort.
“Please, settle down. As you all know, we offer the rest of our life after rebirth to Zeevar who at the end of our service welcomes us into Zeevarna. As Air Mages, one of the most basic and difficult tasks we ever undertake is to lead those who are not thus blessed, Inkeds, into the Uncertain Land. This is our greatest test of loyalty.”
In a split second, the room quieted and you could have heard a pin drop. “In exactly a week’s time, you will be given your first ever Inked Scroll. On that scroll will be the name of an Inked you will lead to their rebirth.”
The noise level raised up again, and I heard the thrill in the voices around me. The prospect of actually doing something other than studying and training was exciting. I’d almost agree, if not for the knowledge of what the alternative was. I cast a look at Lottie, who had lost all color at Docent Ho’s announcement.
“Please,” Docent Ho interrupted and her voice was the most serious I had ever heard it. “This scroll will contain the name of a person from your own Inked past. Your relationship to them might have been casual or intimate, but they would have been a part of your life, made an impression on it. To prove your loyalty, you have to be the one to personally lead them to their rebirth.”
No. My eyes cut to Gale’s and met his - he had known. The bastard had known and had kept it from me. I wanted to scream at him, and it was a genuine struggle to remember that I had to wait until we were in private. As I played with the strap of my sword holster, I wrapped my fingers around it and imagined it was his neck. As I was contemplating torture, a hand grabbed my other hand so hard I felt like my fingers would break. I turned, and Lottie stared at me with those bloodshot blue eyes swimming in tears.
The anger was chased by the worry. This was sure to be breaking my best friend. “Lottie?” I gentled my voice as I stroked her hand with my thumb. Her grip on me tightened, her mouth opening but making no sound.
A single tear escaped from her eye and rolled down her cheek. Her voice, when she finally spoke, was soft and broken, “Kaia.”
I pulled her into me into a tight hug and felt her body tremble as she bent into me. Zeevar, how were we going to survive this?
“I’ve got you, sweetheart,” I whispered into her hair. “I’ve got you and you’ve got me.” I felt my own tears building as I comforted her, the more opportunity I had to think about the implications of Docent Ho’s announcement. Anger was bleeding over to sadness, which had bled over to denial. There was only one person in my life who I remembered having a rebirth day so close.
I shoved the thought away.
No.
I couldn’t think of it, not with Lottie crying in my arms. Thinking of doing something she had sworn she would never do.
Docent Ho spoke up again, and I thought about the insensitivity of the Headmaster’s absence. He was present for any spectacles where he could entertain himself, but the very serious matter of harming loved ones was somehow beneath him. “You’re excused from your courses this morning, so that you might take some time to cope with what you’ve learned. But remember, as with any Trial, the Loyalty Trial is not be discussed in specifics with any of our younger Rooks. You are dismissed.”
Lottie stepped back, slapping a hand over her mouth. “I have to go. I can’t be here right now.”
I turned my head to see most of the students making their way out of the Air Spire, most of them in some sort of a daze. I gave her a kiss on the temple before she practically sprinted away.
I waited.
And I waited.
When all the stragglers were gone - mostly the other Docents - I immediately turned to face Gale who had stayed behind. He’d stayed behind for me, but I was too hurt to care.
“You knew,” I whispered, voice heavy with all the accusation I felt at the betrayal. “You all knew.”
“Kaia.” Anguish laced Gale’s voice. “We’re bound to secrecy.”
“How am I supposed to do this? Especially knowing the very men I would turn to for support kept this from me. Let me have fun and frolic all while waiting for this shoe to drop,” I hissed, my voice a rattle of air as it puffed between my lips. The Air responded to me, uncontrolled, but finally there. My eyes closed, realization thudding through my heart.
“Emerson,” I whispered.
“You can’t tell him. You heard Abigail. To tell anyone of the Loyalty Trial is practically treason - failing the Order. You know what that means better than most.”
“He’ll never be able to do it. When his time comes, he couldn’t. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Just like Lottie. Oh, Zeevar, Lottie.”
Gale nodded, but it was in more of a thoughtful way than in agreement. “He’ll do what he needs to do. As will Miss Montgomery.”
“How? Emerson and Lottie? They both just want to protect people. It’s how they’re built.”
“Miss Montgomery is a strong woman, do not doubt her resolve. As for Emerson, he’ll do it for you, for us. He’ll do it, because he knows losing him would break you. How it would break us as well.” Gale stroked a finger down my cheek. “Just like you’ll do it for us. You’ll do it, because you know that we’re nothing without you. We love you, Thief, and the one thing you cannot do is take yourself away from us.”
My forehead hit his shoulder, a sob wracking its way up my throat. “Please, don’t make me do this.” He didn’t speak, wrapping me up in his arms and stroking my back in soothing glides. “Gale, who? I just… I need to know.”
He winced. “The names are, of course, written by the Ink Balancers but it has been implied by the Headmaster that your sacrifice has to be greater than most because you have upset the balance. And he’s all about balance.”
“Of course,” I sighed, giving him one final squeeze before stepping back. Formality built like a wall between us, the necessary propriety of his job getting in the way of our connection. I couldn’t wait until it was no longer necessary.
As we made our way out of the Air Spire, the numbness settled in my heart - something black.
And I knew it was just beginning.
When we reached the entrance to the Air Spire, I separated from Gale, leaving him to go on his way to teach his other classes. I hated that I couldn't seek comfort from him beyond that one stolen moment - that I couldn't wrap my arms around him and let him offer me all that steely resolve I found so unshakable about Gale.
As he made his way towards the main building of the Academy, I watched him. His usual, confident and brisk walk was just a little slower than normal, his shoulders slightly more hunched. I knew he hated leaving me when he knew I was justifiably upset, and I knew it had to have been nearly impossible for him not to look back when he reached the main doors.
Once he was out of sig
ht, I shoved the thought of all the little things I couldn't have from Gale out of my mind and started to make my way to the main part of the Academy myself. Knowing that Emerson was off limits to me too, I realized how depressing it was to have four men to call my own and yet none of them could truly be what I needed at that moment.
Shoving my own heartache away, I strode towards kitchens in search of coffee.
"Ah back so soon. You miss Marcus, yes? What do you need, pint-sized?" he teased, giving me an easy grin.
"Hi, Marcus. Coffee. Sweet and black, right?" I returned with a pathetic attempt at a smile. "For Lottie."
"You got it. She okay?" he asked as he poured the black liquid into a mug for me. Steam drifted up from the rim, and he spooned in two and a half sugars and gave it a quick stir. He smiled with a shake of his head. I took the handle in my hand, cupping the other around the edge of the cup and letting the warmth penetrate my chilled skin. It wasn't too cold out, only the beginning of fall really. But there were plenty of other things that could make a person feel cold.
"She's just having a rough day," I lied. "Partied too hard last night. Even the coffee and food before the party didn’t help. She drank half her body weight in liquor."
"Ah," he agreed, turning to observe his workers as they bustled about in preparation for lunch later on. "Tell her to take it easy, yeah?"
Just like that I was dismissed, and he walked to the edge of the bar to bark an order at one of the Earths. I turned and made my way from the kitchen, heading up to the dorms to deliver coffee to the best friend who needed it on her best days, let alone how desperate she would be for it on a bad one.
Unfortunately, our room was empty and the stark reality was I didn't know where else Lottie would go when she was upset, so I determined to wander around until I found her.
The halls were empty with all the students who weren't in their Fourth Year occupied by classes. Walking through empty hallways was a strange sensation, lonely somehow with only brick and stone to surround me. When half an hour of wandering didn't bring me any closer to finding Lottie, I decided to venture outside. Perhaps she’d taken the exit after fleeing the Air Spire instead of walking back to the main building of the Academy.
I stepped out onto the gardens, pulled by plants as I always was, despite knowing there was little chance of finding Lottie there. It seemed like a good enough place to start as any.
Sure enough, the gardens were empty. My eyes fell to the bench against the rose bushes and the raven sitting perched on it. The little bird tilted its head at me thoughtfully, seeming to assess me with a far too human-like gaze. My hands shook around the coffee mug, and I realized they were cold again.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I stared at the little bird, unable to tear my eyes away as a familiar voice taunted me from my memories - soft murmurs of support and encouragement and endless love.
Ones I would never hear again.
Four
Vali
I rushed through the Academy grounds, anxious to catch Cel before he finished his daily run around InkHaven. He was quite the fitness buff, always predictable in his schedule because of how important it was to him.
“Cel!” I yelled, stopping him in his tracks and making him turn that classically sculpted face to me - that face men and women alike ran after. His wide mouth stretched into a beaming smile, and he turned to run back to me.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, tugging me in for a brief pat on the back. I chose to ignore the way he somehow even managed to smell attractive after sweating through a run. Cel was built to be attractive; I’d learned to ignore it years ago as he was my closest friend.
“You know I signed up to train Discs. I’m starting on that process tonight. First, I get to shadow, of course. Figure out if it’s something I can actually do or want to, even.”
He laughed at me. “Ooh, the mentor! I’m surprised you went to the trouble to find me. Running was the only workout I could never make you do with me.” He grinned at me but, really, it was more of a smirk.
“Shut up,” I teased. “I need a favor.”
He raised his eyebrows at me, but nodded wordlessly with a serious expression.
Mercurial bastard.
“Keep an eye on Kaia for me. Keep her safe.”
“Isn’t she with Williamson and those others?” he asked, arms crossed. He winged an eyebrow up at me, and it was such an unusually defensive reaction, which surprised me. We’d been nothing but open with one another since I’d joined the Order. We’d bonded together as brothers would. And so he knew what Kaia meant to me.
“She is, at least last I heard, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to know she’s safe. You know better than anyone what she meant to me.” I kicked the dirt with my toe. “Please, Cel. You’re the only one I can trust with her.”
He shrugged a shoulder. “No skin off my bones. Not hard looking at her.” The smug grin he turned on me made my blood boil.
“Uh-uh, off-limits. If I can convince her to be with me, maybe then we can talk about you if she likes you,” I joked, but even I could tell my voice was tense. The reality was that even if I could entice Kaia away from her men, she was used to having three of them at her beck and call. One might just not be enough after that, and I knew I would likely have to come to terms with sharing her. Cel was prettier than me, prettier than anyone. Not the kind of competition I desired for myself, but as my friend I could probably trust him with the love of my life.
“Yeah, yeah. Look, don’t touch. Coming in clear.” Cel grinned at me, and I said goodbye with a promise to see him as soon as possible.
As much as he might piss me off sometimes, I really did miss the bastard. I turned around to go back into the building through the Air Spire entrance for certified Air Mages. I cut through the gardens and ducked under the tree branch when my eyes landed on a familiar small figure in the gardens. I thanked Zeevar’s interference.
“Little Bird,” I murmured, stepping through the archway that led into the gardens. She jolted, anxiety pouring off her and clutching a hand to her heart. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Hi, Vali,” that sweet voice murmured, and I resisted the urge to step into her space - I tried to respect her wishes. Those brown eyes stared up at me, filled with tears. I cursed inwardly and strode quickly towards her.
Fuck her previous wishes.
The coffee cup she was holding crashed to the ground and shattered at her feet, drenching her shoes with the dark liquid. Poor Kaia barely reacted, only staring down at it in a daze. My hands caught hers, and she clutched them tightly. I gave an easy tug, pulling her away from the hazard of the jagged pieces of ceramic.
“You okay?” I kept my voice low. I wanted to soothe, show her gentleness.
“It’s okay,” she murmured oddly. “It was already cold anyway.”
“Kai, what’s wrong?” I stared down at her teary face, wanting nothing more than to make it so that she never felt that sadness again. Kaia had always been mine to protect, mine to make laugh.
“Loyalty Trial,” she hiccuped.
I closed my eyes and sighed, knowing how horrible she must be feeling. “It isn’t easy, but you have to remember it’s part of the cycle. Balance.”
“Okay,” she whimpered, a soft sound that felt like a knife turning in my heart.
“Who was yours?” she asked, rubbing the pad of her thumb over the back of my hand.
“Mrs. Perez. You remember her?”
She nodded, sniffling. “The math teacher you had a crush on?”
I laughed, because, of course, my little bird would remember that. “That’s the one. You always were jealous of her.”
“I was not. Okay, maybe a little. But you got your math teacher,” she murmured it, hands trembling.
“Yes. She was playing with the kids during recess, and I made her fall, snapped her neck. It was hard to watch that.” I rubbed a hand at the back of my neck. While I’d done a lot of other rebirths since, seen
a lot of other rebirths, it was always hard remembering the first.
“You say it was hard to watch that,” her voice trembled and her hands fisted as she looked up at me. “Hard? How could you say that when I will likely have to kill my own father? Balance, right?”
I laid a hand on hers, and she pushed it away. She whirled on me. “How is it fair that you get your damn math teacher, and I have to kill the most important man from my outside life.”
“Little Bird,” I started, but she cut me off with a hand.
“No. Only my father can call me that. Not you.”
I felt a stab of pain in my heart. I’d called her Little Bird since the first time I heard her father say it when we were four. I wanted to gather her close, but knew she was more likely to knee me in the balls.
“Kaia, you misunderstand. It was hard to kill her, yes, but mostly because killing her reminded me of how I watched you falling from that damn tree. You’ve haunted me, Kaia, in more ways than I could tell you.” I looked down and I was trembling as well. Did I think I would get over her?
I knew now I never would.
“Vali,” she whispered it, her hand reaching out, but I stopped myself from grabbing it. I knew if I did, I’d never let her go until she promised to be mine.
“No, Kaia, I get it. I was lucky because I didn’t have to sacrifice someone close to me, and it’s shit you have to sacrifice your dad. But I understand. Every rebirth takes something out of you, Kaia, even when you’re perfectly connected in your service to Zeevar. Killing someone as important as your dad is for you? I can’t imagine how painful that is. I don’t want to pretend that I can even begin to know exactly how you feel. But think about it - you get to see him for that last moment. It’s you and not some stranger. That should give you peace.”
She took my hand and I let her, even as I plucked a rose from one of the bushes. “Vali, I don’t know. You know how much I love him. How much I value him.”