by Kenna Bardot
“Kaia,” the soft murmur came from the side and made me blink, losing my staring contest with the oddly-knowing white avian eyes that seemed to understand me. The smooth voice nearly made me glance his way, the honeyed comfort I heard there a temptation to awaken from my peace. But I felt a bliss in being lost. “Little Bird,” he murmured, and that name drew a wince. His skin touched against the bare skin of my whip arm, his fingers trailing over the cold flesh. “Look at me.”
I swallowed, turning my eyes to his at last. His brow furrowed, jaw tensing upon his examination of my face.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered, going back to fiddling with my hands, focusing on the way my blunt, broken fingernails met the calloused, rough skin of my fingers where I’d picked at them over and over.
Over and over.
“Stop that,” Vali ordered, taking my hands in his right hand while the other tilted my head up by the chin.
I glanced at the abused skin of my fingers, harsh against his large palms, rough but mostly unmarred. My brow furrowed in hatred at what I’d done unintentionally. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
“Oh, Little Bird. It’ll get better. Just give it time.” His eyes were soft, gentle as he stared down at me, but I knew that only lies fell from his lips.
Nothing but lies.
“How can it possibly get better? What I did-” I broke off. I couldn’t speak of what happened with my father, finding myself on the verge of a breakdown when I tried.
“You did nothing wrong, Kaia. It was his time, and he got the final gift of knowing his daughter was alive. My parents are safe and alive, but they still don’t know about me and they probably never will. Your father would have given anything to see you again, and he did. You gave him peace, sweetheart.”
“I gave him death,” I corrected, turning my attention back to the roses - the wild ones, the red, the white, the thorns. They were far easier to look at than Vali’s handsome face that knew me so well. He gave me a forgiveness I wanted but didn’t want to deserve. “With everything that happened, I got so wrapped up in the guys and the fact that I was alive when I never thought I would be. I forgot to miss them, and now he’s gone.”
He knelt in front of me, blocking my view of the flowers, and cupping my cheeks in his hand.
“Little Bird,” he murmured, pressing his forehead to mine. Just like my father had done that morning - that wretched morning I’d done that. “Nobody can blame you for being caught up and disoriented. Your entire life turned on its head, and you’ve nearly died repeatedly since.”
The emotions just surged and wrapped around me and Vali was everywhere. All around me, overwhelming me. The clean scent of him hit me, full-force, bringing all those memories of childhood hugs in trees and jumping into the lake to the front of my memory. I loved all my men, but no one knew me better than Vali who had practically lived in my head during our childhood.
“I love you,” he whispered, those warm brown eyes holding mine as tears pooled and slid over my skin to fall from my face.
A low keening sound escaped my throat as it tightened in protest. I couldn’t cry. If I cried, I might never stop.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you,” Vali murmured, that soothing voice my undoing as he moved closer to wrap his arms around me. My face buried in his neck as a broken sob erupted.
My tears fell in torrents, finally.
I could still cry after all.
He held me tight through it, one hand wrapped tightly around my back and the other stroking my hair tenderly as I soaked his shirt with all the tears I hadn’t cried since Lottie had died.
He never let me go.
Nine
Kaia
“Hey, pint-sized,” Marcus greeted me as I walked down the steps of the kitchen, Mar in tow. The dips and valleys in my mood meant I needed sugar.
I always needed sugar.
“Hey, Marcus.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but I could not muster the energy to react much as I slumped at one of the empty tables in the quiet kitchen.
“Marcus is happy that you have visited.” He gave Mar a wide toothed smile. “Well, if it isn’t the other Mar.”
Mar flipped her hair and winked. “The pretty one. Nice to see you, Marcus.”
The older man nodded. “Marisole. What can I get you, ladies?” he asked us as Mar sat right across from the seat I’d slumped into.
“Hit us with some baked goods,” Mar spoke up enthusiastically. “And tea if you have it.”
“Coffee, black and sweet,” I interjected.
Mar tapped her fingers on the table. “I didn’t know you drank coffee like Lottie had.”
I sighed, regretting dragging Mar along with me to the kitchens. “I just picked up the habit since Lottie. It’s pretty good though I never liked it before I was reborn.”
“I miss her coming here - The Dot. She was a bright light.” Marcus said with a shake of his head as he walked off.
“You said her name,” Mar said on a whisper, reaching out to grab my hand and giving it a squeeze. “I haven’t heard you mention her for some time.”
“I miss her, Mar. Zeevar, I miss her so much and I’m so angry at her for leaving. At the same time I’m so lost and sad and numb and empty, because I know when I wake up she won’t be there. I just don’t know what to do.”
I stopped when Marcus came back with some tiny cakes and sandwiches along with our drinks.
“You’re the best, Marcus!” Mar enthused and the old man walked off with a big smile after giving my head a light pat.
“Look, Kaia Wren. You introduced me to Lottie so it’s really your fault I feel the exact same way you do. Shit and just angry and so fucking sad.”
I bristled, opening my mouth to argue, but Mar cut me off with a raised finger. “No. Let me finish.” She pointed her finger at me in warning. “It’s your fault, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Charlotte Montgomery was an amazing woman, and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss her. I wish I’d met her earlier, you know? So, sure she’d like us to mourn because she loves us and wants to know we love her in return. However, she would hate for you to lose your life and your strength. Because that’s Lottie, and she was such a big proponent for living.”
I sniffled because even though Lottie had made a decision quite different from that statement, I could not deny that it was true.
“She was,” I breathed out, staring at my reflection in the dark liquid in my coffee cup.
“So we cry, we moan. But then we laugh, and we fuck, and we eat sweets, because we do it for Lottie.” Mar raised her tea cup and I clinked my coffee cup against it in a toast.
Mar took a big bite of the petit-four, chewing it with a speculative look on her face. “Doesn’t cake just make the coffee bitter since it’s much sweeter?”
“Yes?” I answered hesitantly.
Mar thumped a fist on the table. “Ha. I figured.”
“I hate to ask, but what is this about?”
“Well, one time I was here with Lottie, and we had some cupcakes and she had her coffee as usual. She dunked a cupcake, sans frosting since she licked it all first, into the coffee, and I asked her why in Zeevarna’s sake she would destroy cakes that way.” Mar wrinkled her nose in apparent disgust, and I had to laugh at the reaction.
“And?”
“She said it was important to try everything at least once even when you regretted it a second after you did it."
I laughed and dunked my cake in the coffee before taking a bite. "Ick!” I stuck out my tongue after a swallow. “Well, regrets are certain."
Mar looked at me with the same look of disgust from earlier. "Zeevar, Kaia Wren. What the actual fuck? That's absolutely horrid."
I chugged down the crumby coffee and nodded. "Oh, absolutely. Now I’ve got fucking crumbs in my coffee." I placed my cup back down on the table, running a finger around the rim in thought. Mar’s face turned serious, as she watched me fiddle.
I knew the l
ook well; I’d see it on Emerson and Gale’s faces too often as of late. Concern. Overhearing Emerson’s conversation with Cel, I knew I needed to open up to the people who loved me. "Seeing my mom and dad recently made me realize how much I missed them. Becoming part of the Order when it was the farthest thing from what I expected was so overwhelming that I shut down and forgot them, you know? Because if I thought about them, I'd just spend all my days and all my time missing them and wishing they could know that I was okay. Then I got Alec Gaius and everything spiralled from there, and I was caught up in this new world, this new life. Lottie helped me, because she accepted me for what I was and helped me understand, as best as she could, what my new existence would entail. So when I lost her? Everything else I lost just came crashing down on me. It didn't matter that I have all these men who love me. Because Lottie's in a different category. Being without her," I paused to swallow back my tears. “It’s like she took a piece of me with her.”
Mar nodded, understanding in her eyes. "Sure she is. She's your family. I get that."
"She is - was." I cast my eyes to the ceiling. "Even if she did disappear last summer."
"She did, didn't she? She promised me that she would see me and she did but, like, just once." Mar chuckled. “I’m sure the slut was shacked up with somebody.”
I remembered the time we'd gone shopping together as being the only time I'd seen her that summer. "Yeah, same. She helped spend my money on clothes."
"Oh. Is that why you wear color when you’re not in uniform? Montgomery dressed you?" Mar appeared to shudder.
"Totally Lottie."
"I like black," Mar declared.
"Of course you do." I eyed her black top, which was basically her uniform when we didn’t have any classes.
She picked a tiny sandwich up and gestured at me with it. “So, have you told your men about this?”
I sighed at the question and looked down at my scabbed fingers - healing finally after I'd destroyed them. “I haven’t. Again, everything happened so fast I didn’t want to burden them. Besides, I didn’t want them to think they weren’t enough, you know?”
“They love you.”
“Yes,” I answered.
“Oh, psh. Not a question.” She placed her sandwich back down without taking a bite. “You’re an idiot if you think they won’t understand.”
I shook my head and couldn’t help but laugh. “Wow, Mar, you can be honest, I can take it. No need to mince words.”
“Ha!”
“They worry too much.”
“They love you.” She held a finger to interrupt me, “Which, again, isn’t a question. But, they’re allowed to worry, because they love you and, really, you’ve been here a little over a year. You’re allowed to be sad and overwhelmed, because while you’ve done better than expected? You’re still so new to all this. This life is unfamiliar. You can be all messed up and twisted about. Besides, you’re not like us. You had an actual life outside. A majority of us? We spent part of our childhood here so we’ve had a lot of time adjusting.”
“Vali told me the exact same thing.” My vision blurred from tears that I struggled to keep from falling. “Zeevar, Mar. I forgot to miss my family. I feel like shit. I got so caught up in my new life I totally threw my old one away. Buried it and made sure to keep it buried. And, yes, I wasn’t exactly worth much then, but I just forgot it and along with it the people I loved. I’m garbage.”
“Hey! I didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad. Besides, you’re my friend so you’re not garbage, but Lot was a gem. Having her around meant you had an anchor to keep you steady.”
“That was Lottie, my anchor.”
And now I was lost at sea without her.
I looked down at my empty cup. "I need more coffee."
She agreed, "That you do. Maybe this time crumb free, yeah?"
✽✽✽
It was my first Control class since the time Cel walked me out and took me to the Infirmary. But I was different. I had undergone my first sacrifice, an act that changed me irrevocably. Whatever had happened was done so I felt no shame for it - I’d been broken because I’d been lost, but I was proud to walk in, bruised but feeling stronger. I was proud of my emotions - like Mar and Vali had said, it was something I had to do, to feel to get to the other side.
Ink Docent Briggs was at the front and as I passed by her she spoke up in her normally soft voice, “Miss Shaw.”
“Yes, Ink Docent?” I turned around and gave her a polite smile.
“I hope you’re better, Miss Shaw.”
It didn’t seem like a question, but I answered anyway, “I am, Docent Briggs, thank you.”
“You look better.” She nodded, and I nodded back before scurrying towards the back where I joined my classmates.
Cel walked in and towards the back, cool as a cucumber, with an intense look in his eyes. My eyes cast towards Gale, who stood at the sidelines, watching. Looking at him made guilt pour over me - he cared about me and sometimes, I made it all about sex. I did love him, but I worried about worrying him. Worrying them.
A cushion blocked my vision, and I looked up to see Cel holding it out to me. “Here.”
I sent him the widest smile I could muster at that point. “Thanks. I will use my mat though.”
“Well, good. Can’t be an idiot.” He let the cushion drop by my feet.
I laughed. “Chivalry.”
“You look better. No need for kid gloves anymore, Little One.” He walked off to settle as near as he could to me without leaving his classmates. He turned to talk to the only other girl in the class, who just shrugged and waved to the front of the room. He shook his head and paid attention to Docent Briggs.
But I could feel his watchful eyes on me throughout class, making sure I focused and took care. I nearly smiled. Somehow, the fact that he was treating me normally just caused something inside me to settle just a little better.
I was getting much better.
✽✽✽
Quiet.
So much quiet.
I'd never seen a room full of Airs remain quite so still.
Docent Frost stood at the front of the room, that cold, impassive face a mask of indifference as he stared back at us. I wondered who had thought it appropriate to assign the meanest shit stain of a Docent to guide us through the night to come. I doubt it would have been Docent Ho, so it was obvious it had Headmaster Stewart’s fingerprints all over it.
Then again, I was biased. After all, much as I hated it, Docent Frost was the head of the Assassin program in the Air Department so it was a fairly obvious and logical choice.
All the surviving fourth years had passed their Loyalty Trial, and Mendel was unfortunate enough to have done so only the day before. While the entire room was silent and stone-faced, Mendel's face remained pale and his eyes stayed on his feet pointedly.
"As timing is tight for me, and because you are all done with your Loyalty trial, I have decided that you will already have your Assassin shadowing tonight. After all, there is no need to wait. You will accompany me on two sacrifices. You will not participate. You will not speak unless spoken to," Frost ordered, fiddling with one of his beloved arrows in his hand. "What you will see tonight will undoubtedly be difficult to stomach at times. I do not care for your reactions nor your input." A glance around the room confirmed even Pia was solemn as she stuck close to Justin, one of the men she often surrounded herself with. I’d only learned his name recently, despite joining their class a third of the way through the last school year.
But to me, he would always be judgy from the van and that memory made me remember Lottie without a hitch in stride nor the threat of tears falling.
"Follow me," Frost said, making his way to the door.
The class moved to follow, a tiny mob of students moving through the halls of InkHaven. Mendel came up beside me, silently walking for a few moments.
"Does it get better?" he asked, knowing I'd been one of the first to complete my own trial. And t
hat it had been especially difficult for me too.
"I wouldn't say it gets better," I sighed, reaching up to tug at the wrap of my tunic. "More like you, just, find a way to cope. You justify it in your head. Tell yourself whatever you need to believe to ease some of that guilt."
"What do you mean?" he whispered.
"I wasn't raised by the Order, like you all were. I know Zeevar is this great being, but I just," I paused, "sometimes I wonder if it’s really necessary. I think that's mostly because I spent most of my life on the other side of the equation. I saw more of the suffering that happened when someone was sacrificed; I felt that suffering." I didn't add that I wanted no part in causing it.
"There's peace with the sacrificed Inked. You can't deny that," Mendel's voice hardened, getting more accusatory as he gave me the side-eye.
"I didn't say there wasn't," I defended. "I just think there has to be a better way."
"At least they know it's coming. They can prepare for it, say their goodbyes. What would the alternative be?" he asked as we stepped outside. "Dying randomly? Never knowing when it's coming for you? That sounds terrifying."
"Do you think knowing it was coming made your family miss you any less?" His eyes widened as he stared down at me. "The only thing that makes it acceptable is knowing that rebirth puts us one step closer to being blessed and getting to Zeevarna. Everyone wants that for their child. It doesn't keep them from missing them," I argued.
The glider from the final trial of the previous year sat on the field, waiting for us to board it. Mendel and I approached at the back of the group, proceeding slowly and silently.
Our disagreement sat heavy on my heart. I couldn't really care less what Mendel thought of me or my opinions, but I hated that I couldn't believe in the necessity of sacrifices the way Alec Gaius, Gale, or even Vali did. While I'd never begrudge them for it, I wished I could share that wholehearted commitment with them. But I knew Ronan and Emerson were more like me, not too comfortable in the taking of a life. In service, but not in away that seemed quite so destructive.