by Nicole Reed
“Please don’t stop Kane,” I beg him.
“Listen Jay, someone is ringing your door bell like crazy.” I am so lost in us that it takes a minute to hear what he is saying.
“I don’t care Kane. Please don’t stop.” I could tell he was warring with himself.
“We have to make sure it’s not important Baby and since this is your house that means you have to go down there, but I’m going with you”. He kisses my mouth softly one more time before he stands up and lifts me with him. Kane goes to my dresser and grabs a tee and cotton shorts for me. Not saying a word he puts the shirt on me without a bra and then he has me step into the shorts. He dresses himself quickly. When we are both ready, he grabs my hand heading downstairs.
“Quit pouting Jay. It just makes me want you more.” He smiles back at me and stops to kiss me.
I didn’t see anybody standing in front of the door at first, but then all of a sudden it dawns on me that it could be JT. How the hell could I forget about JT? I had promised him that I would not sleep with Kane and that’s what I almost did. What kind of person was I? Am I so broken that I couldn’t keep one promise to the person that deserved it most? Kane stood behind me as I opened the door.
Holding my breath I know I’m going to see JT, but it wasn’t him that sat on my doorstop. It was Rhye and he was drunk or high. He stood up swaying and laughed.
“What the fuck Rhye?”
“I hear it’s more like rape than fucking. Though the last time we were together if I remember correctly it was more of YOU raping ME.”
Kane steps around me to see who it is. He looks at me and asks, “What does this fucker want?”
“Rapist,” Rhye slurs out. “Evidently according to your girl here, that’s what I am. Really Jay, why don’t you just stab me in the heart? It’s got to be better than hearing that you told people that I raped you. It was never like that with us. Why would you lie and tell anyone that I forced you?” His voice broke and tears came to his eyes. “I fucking love you Jay. Don’t you know that?”
My jaw fell open. I knew that Rhye wanted to have sex with me, but I really didn’t think he cared about me, much less loved me. He seemed to sober up a little as he stared at me.
“What Jay? You didn’t think I had any feelings? Forget you. Yeah, I messed up and slept with that groupie, but Jay I only did it because when you were with me, the whole time I knew you wished it was JT. The night before I slept with her, you called out his name when you were with me. That killed me Jay. I was already half in love with you then.”
Kane stiffened next to me, so I quickly ask, “How did you get here Rhye? You didn’t drive yourself did you?”
“Why do you care Jay? You’ve been on a one way road to self-destruct since you broke up with JT. Everyone knows it.” He looked over me to Kane. “Ever ask about her future? She doesn’t have one planned. You want to know why? She doesn’t plan on being here.” He laughs and looks at me. “What you thought that was a secret Jay? I bet you’ve already have it all planned.”
Visibly, I blanch at his words. My mouth goes dry and my stomach churns. I turn toward Kane and he went from watching Rhye to watching me.
“What’s he talking about Jay? Why don’t you plan on being here? Where do you plan on going?” I watch the different scenarios run across his face, until he must have come across the same one Rhye was thinking. Before he could say anything I turn back toward Rhye.
My hand reaches out and slaps him hard across the face. I don’t know who was more surprised me, Rhye or Kane. Rhye grabs his face and looks at me. His face went white.
“Shit Jay. I’m sorry. JT came down to the bar wanting to kick my ass and we started to fight. Of course the band pulled us apart and he said why he was pissed. It just hurt to hear what you said Jay. He left and I got hammered and Chris drove me here.”
“So you have a ride home. Good. Then get off my doorstep. Don’t ever talk to me again Rhye. I apologize for what JT said, but I told him that you didn’t rape me. That what happened between you and me was consensual. I’ll make sure to set anyone else straight on that matter, but stay away from me.”
I step back into the house grabbing Kane as I go. He allows me to pull him in and shut the door. Walking away from him I turn to go into the kitchen. All the food was still on the counter where I had left it. Picking up a sandwich and a pickle, I place it on a plate sitting down at the bar as Kane walks in and grabs the other stool beside me.
We sit in silence not looking at each other. Kane places his clasped hands on top of the counter. He starts to speak and then shakes his head and doesn’t say anything. I push the food around on my plate, not realizing that silent tears are falling down my face. Feeling ashamed I can’t even look at Kane, but we both continue to sit there ignoring each other. Finally he reaches for my hand. I look up into his face and unshed tears stare back at me.
“I had the tattoo put on my neck to remind me to always be true to me. Not to let others bring me down and to live my life my way. Shit happens in life Jay. You can let it destroy you or you can fight back and live life to the fullest,” he pauses and takes a deep breath. “Believe it or not my freshman year in high school I was a scrawny little shit. My best friend Matt and I took a lot of crap from upper classman picking on both of us because of our size. We hadn’t hit our growth spurt yet, and Matt never would because he got tired of the bullies at our school and one night shot himself.”
His voice broke, but he continued, “It killed me. My best friend since we were kids ended his life leaving me alone. I can tell you Jay that nothing that happens in this life is worth killing yourself over. Time passes and you can decide to change your future. You don’t let what some assholes say or do direct you. In this life it only matters what you do with it.”
Kane stands up pulling me into his arms. He picks me up and cradles me to his chest and I wrap my arms around his neck. Slowly he carries me upstairs to my bedroom and lays me on my bed. He slides next to me and wraps me in his arms. Holding me tight the exhaustion envelops me and I close my eyes to fall into a deep sleep.
My hand shields the bright light from my eyes. When it finally dims I look around me to see that I’m standing back inside the white room. I’m alone and I look around for a way out, but there are no doors. I close my eyes tightly and that’s when I feel him behind me. Slipping his arms around my waist he presses his body close to mine and speaks into my ear. “No one will love you but me when they find out what you’ve done. They will all blame you and call you a whore. A murderer. You’re losing control James. Are you ready to join me yet?”
He holds his hand out and I look down into his palm. Multi-colored pills fill it. He brings them to my mouth, but I turn my head away and he laughs. His voice whispers, “I can wait.”
Chapter 8
The sound of my phone vibrating wakes me from sleep in the morning. Rolling around I see that Kane is not beside me. I grab my phone to read my new text message.
Kane – Need to get to work early. Didn’t want to wake you. We’ll talk later.
Not wanting to think about last night, I get up and dress quickly for school just throwing on some skinny jeans and shirt. I can’t imagine what Kane thinks about me. My mind refuses to go there. Too much, way too fast it screams at me. Running downstairs I grab my book bag and head out the door.
Molly is waiting alone for me in the parking lot when I get to school. She smiles at me when I step out of my car.
“I’m a shit.” She says and continues, “I shouldn’t have read your note. It wasn’t any of my business and I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too Mols, but I need you to know that that note wasn’t from Rhye. I’m sorry if I mislead you or Reed into thinking that was who wrote it.” I could tell she was confused because of the look on her face. “Listen I’ve got way bigger problems this morning and I may need your help.”
“What is it Jay? You know I am here for you.”
Looking into her eyes, I see that st
atement to be true. “Okay, just hear me out and then help me figure out what I am going to do.” I tell her about JT’s and my conversation and then everything that happened last night with Kane and Rhye. When I finally finish she looks at me and places her head in her hands.
“This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have reacted like that yesterday and damn Reed for saying anything to JT.”
“Mols, it’s okay. I just have to figure out what I am going to do about all of them.”
“Who do you want to be with?”
“See that’s the problem. I thought I was over JT and now I know I’m not, but I’m also in love with Kane. He makes me feel safe and he doesn’t represent anything from my past like JT does. When I look at JT, I think about what we used to have, but when I see Kane I know what I want now. I feel like I owe JT a chance for us, but Kane says I don’t. I’m just so confused.”
“Jay you can’t do this to JT. He will not survive losing you again. I can tell you really care about Kane and trust me girl I’ve seen him and know why you feel that way, but part of me feels that if you think there is any chance for you and JT, then you owe him that. I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel. He loves you so much Jay. Think about what you have put him through?”
I know what she is saying. I hear someone call my name and I look up. Walking towards me is the reason I am feeling so conflicted. JT has on a pair of faded jeans and t-shirt with the school logo on it. He also has the biggest smile I have ever seen.
Molly pats my arm and says, “Think of that little boy from kindergarten that told you he was going to marry you one day and always stayed true to that.” She walks away smiling at JT.
“I’m not sure what to do Jay. My arms ache to pull you to me right now. I want to kiss you in front of everyone and claim you, but I’m kind-of lost as to what you want me to do.” He stops in front of me and crosses his arms against his chest.
“We take it slow and one day at a time. No fighting, yeah I know about you and Rhye. He came to the house last night. Don’t ask me about Kane and I will not talk to him about you.” I still need time to figure out what I was going to do, but Molly was right. I can’t keep hurting JT and telling him that I am going to be with Kane would kill him.
“Alright Jay, we’ll play this your way. Can I walk you to class?”
“Lead the way,” I say to him and smile.
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and we walk towards the school. I see the surprised looks as we pass students and teachers. A group of young freshman girls actually giggle and stare as we walk by.
JT laughs and turns his face toward mine. “Can you imagine all the gossip by lunch time?”
“Ugh, I don’t want to think about it. The rumor mill will probably have me pregnant with your baby.”
“I’ll confirm that the twins are due in the spring,” he jokes and kisses my cheek.
“Well you better get that football scholarship so you make it to the big time to support us.” I nudge his ribs with my elbow.
We arrive at my first period class and Cal just happens to be at the door. He smiles when he sees us together.
“What do we have here? It can’t be my two favorite people actually getting along and not fighting? The world is surely coming to an end.” He slaps JT playfully on the arm. “Coach wants us to meet with him next period.”
“I’ll be there,” JT replies and turns away from Cal toward me. “See you at lunch?”
“Sure,” I said as I turn away and head into class. Cal comes in after me and sits right by me. He’s grinning from ear to ear. I can’t help asking him, “Why are you smiling?”
“All is right in the world. What’s not to be happy about?”
I shake my head. His happiness is infectious, but it doesn’t last. Class starts and my mind tunes out to think about what I am doing. I meant it last night when I told Kane that I wanted and needed him. My mind and body belong to him, but part of me longs for JT. In my heart I know that I can’t turn away from JT without finding out if we do have a future, but what am I going to do about Kane? I’m worried about him leaving this morning without talking to me.
The bell rings and class is dismissed. When I arrive in second period Rhys is already in his seat. He looks up at me and then looks back down. I decide that we both need to cool off. My mind is still going over what he said to me last night. Even though he spoke the truth, I can’t believe he said it out loud.
I think back to what Kane said to me about his friend. He had lost someone he cared about. Could I ever really put someone through that? Do I still feel the same way? So many thoughts were going through my head and for the rest of the morning, I just move on automatic. I didn’t see JT or Molly until lunch.
When I walk into the cafeteria, Molly waves me over to her and Reed. He stands when I walk over and leans in to hug me. “Sorry Jay.”
“It’s okay Reed,” I say to him. I knew he was talking about the note and telling JT.
I sit on the other side of Molly and before I can talk to her my chair is pulled back.
JT leans over and kisses me on my lips in front of everyone. I’m too stunned to do anything but respond, which I automatically do. His kiss is familiar and my body reacts to it. My arms go up and around his neck. There is definitely still something between us. I lose myself just a little to him.
The sound of clapping snaps me out of the passionate kiss. Stunned I turn around and see that almost every single student in the cafeteria including Molly and Reed are standing there clapping and whistling. Cal was the loudest with his whooping and hollering. I even see Mrs. Davis smile as she walks by pretending not to see. JT is looking down at me and pulls me to standing. A laugh escapes me.
“Do you think we should give them an encore,” he asks? He didn’t wait for my answer and captured my mouth again. This kiss is a tad sweeter and softer. I can’t help but melt. This moment feels like it’s supposed to happen. He pulls back from me and whispers gently in my ear. “Please tell me you feel it Jay. That this is where you and I should have been all along? Don’t tell me it’s just me.”
“JT,” I start to say, but words get stuck in my throat. I nod my head yes and I hear him gasp. He grips me tighter and hugs me closer.
By now everyone has sat down to eat. We are still receiving glances and Molly is beaming at me. Reed still looks pretty leery and I don’t’ blame him. My feelings are all over the place. Can you be bipolar in love? That’s how I feel. One part of me only loves Kane and the other part has always been JT’s.
JT sits down in my chair and pulls me onto his lap and wraps his arms around me. He won’t stop looking at me and I can feel my cheeks are blushing.
“Quit staring at me,” I tell him.
“Damn Jay, when did you grow up and become this beautiful woman? I’m sorry I kissed you in front of everyone, but I walk into the cafeteria and there you are and I didn’t see anyone else. You were just sitting here and I needed to kiss you.” He blushed and said, “My heart jumped when I saw you. That’s how much you mean to me.” I placed my finger across his lips to halt his words.
“I know JT. You’re not the only one feeling it.” He grips me closer to him and kisses the top of my head.
“Ok, you guys I can’t stand it anymore. Talk. I need some answers.” Molly is almost bouncing off her seat with excitement.
Looking at JT, he smiles at me, and I turn to answer her. “We are taking it slowly. Very slowly,” I repeat and glance at JT. He nods so he must be happy with my answer. “Are you going to get some food?”
“Jay, if you think for one second that I am getting up from this spot until I have to, you are crazy. I’m not letting you out of my lap until someone makes me. If that means I have to starve to death, it will be worth it.” We all laugh, but I hug him a little tighter because it makes me happy that he feels that way about me.
“Mr. Higgins I do believe Miss Stevenson could find her own seat. I don’t believe she needs to share yours,” Coach Branch vehemently says
to JT as he stands over us. It surprises everyone at the table and I try to jump up, but JT holds me still.
“C’mon Coach B. You can’t blame me for wanting to hold my girl for a second can you?” He is trying to break the tension that we are all feeling.
“Don’t make me ask again JT. I would hate to have you benched for the first game. I’m sure that would not help your college prospects.”
Coach Branch glares at JT and he stares back. The silence has become uncomfortable for everyone. I finally wiggle out of JT arms.
“I’m going to grab something to drink,” I say and walk away. When I get back with my soda, Coach Branch is gone and JT, Molly and Reed are discussing something, but everyone becomes quiet when I sit down.
Molly looks at me. “That was so weird Jay. We were just talking about how Coach B just blew that up. I wonder what set him off?”