A sharp rapping on the back door made her jump and fall into me. Intuitively, I moved to block her, lifting her off the island and depositing her behind me.
“Is it Liam?” she whispered, her hand fisting in my shirt.
“Liam’s at work.”
“Then Bellamy?”
“Bellamy would have called first.”
“Alex…”
“Stay here,” I ordered and went to the back door. The gun resting in the waistband of my sweats was a comforting reminder that I had the upper hand.
“Who is it?” I called out from behind the door.
No one answered.
A few seconds later, I heard a truck start up and drive off. My body relented. I knew that was the sound of the mail truck.
Still being cautious, I opened the door and looked out. No one was there, the taillights of the large truck were disappearing, and there was a brown box on the porch.
Pulling the door open wide, I said, “It’s just the mail.”
“Did you order something?” she asked, coming across the room.
“Stay there,” I commanded. Her footsteps faltered, and I glanced around. “I didn’t order anything. Let me check the box.”
Instead of bringing it in, I went outside with the package to inspect it. When I was certain it was just mail, I opened the door with it in my arms, nearly hitting Sabrina with the edge.
“I told you to stay inside, woman.”
“I am!”
“That doesn’t mean to be a stalker on the other side of the door. If this had been a bomb, you’d have blown up!”
Her eyes widened. “Is it a bomb?”
“No.”
She rolled her eyes and reached for it. “What is it?”
I held it up out of her reach and pulled the pocket knife out of my sweats to cut open the top. “Let me look.”
She waited while I did, lifting the lid to glance inside.
“It’s for you,” I said, stepping back from the package.
“Me?”
I nodded.
As anxious as she was to look before, now she hesitated.
“Looks to me like your brother remembered your birthday.”
Her eyes grew twice their normal size, and she gasped. Rushing across the floor, she grabbed the box and ripped up the top. “He’s never forgotten, not ever. Not even now… I miss him so much.”
With a smile, she glanced down into the brown box. Then everything about her changed.
“Sabrina?” Concern washed over me as I watched her. Lips rolling inward, skin turning the color of ash, and the way her trembling fingers moved turtle slow toward what was inside.
“Brina,” I said again.
She was lost it seemed. Lost to whatever was in that box. I knew the second her hand closed around it because a rough sound vibrated her throat. I started forward. She moved, pulling free what seemed to be upsetting her so much.
“No,” she croaked, staring down at the gift in her hand. “Please, no.”
I frowned, not quite understanding why something so innocent could get this sort of reaction. Her head fell forward, the hair swishing over her shoulders like a curtain, and beneath it, her body vibrated.
Both hands closed around the gift, squeezing until they were stark white.
“Noo,” she crooned, emotion building in the room, making the hair on the back of my neck stand tall.
“Sabrina,” I said, moving closer.
She flinched when I reached out to touch her, so I drew back.
“What’s wrong?” I demanded. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
“This isn’t a birthday gift.” Her voice was so hoarse and throaty I had to replay the words over in my head a few times before I could even understand what she said.
Confusion cloaked me, but so did wariness. “Then what is it?”
Her hands clutched the soft fabric, digging into the brown fur of the teddy bear. Slowly, her eyes lifted, and I was struck by how hollow and empty she suddenly appeared.
After several attempts at swallowing and a single tear dripping from her eye and rolling down her cheek, she answered.
“It’s good-bye.”
Sabrina
I had one memory of my father.
In it, I couldn’t see his face or even the color of his hair or hear the sound of his voice. Sometimes, the faint smell of coffee made me think of him, but even that was few and far between.
All I remembered was the day he left. At three years old, it was a wonder I even recalled that. Standing here now, clutching this teddy bear, I realized it wasn’t really him I remembered, but the moment my then nine-year-old brother decided even if our father didn’t want me, he did.
Reliving the memory now as an adult was much different from the eyes of a child. I comprehend now the enormity of what my brother did that day and the fact he kept to his vow even though he made it when he was so very young.
It was all the proof I would ever need to know that Daniel was probably the best man I would ever know.
Silent, pain-heavy tears tracked over my cheeks as I gazed through blurry eyes at the brown bear I hated but also wanted to clutch close.
The door to the bedroom stuck, which made it hard to open and impossible to close. The squeaking sound it made when it moved was ear piercing, so I often just squeezed in and out between the space it always seemed to settle.
I was wearing a pair of blue polyester shorts with rainbow stripes on the sides. I hated them because they made my skin itch, but I didn’t change because they were clean and my other pair smelled.
Sitting in the center of my bed, my arms wrapped around the stuffed toy in my lap, I was sad. I didn’t really understand what Daddy told me a few moments ago, but I knew it was probably a big deal because he’d given me this present.
After that, I heard him and Mommy yelling. They screamed so loud I escaped onto the bed and hid beneath my covers.
A little while later, the yelling stopped, and the house was very quiet. I was still too scared to come out, so I sat in the middle of the bed, rocking back and forth.
Daniel slipped inside the door, not making a sound. The door never squeaked when he came in. He said he moved like a cat, and I believed him. His hands were in his pockets, his head low against his chest, when he stepped up beside the bed.
I glanced up, wiping the tears off my cheeks, and looked at him.
“Dad left,” he said.
I nodded. “When is he coming back?”
“He’s not.”
“Not ever?”
“Not ever.”
I started to cry again. “I don’t like Mommy. She’s mean!”
“Shh!” he hushed, reaching out and grabbing my arms.
I stared up at him, eyes wide.
“Shh, she’s already drinking. Don’t make it worse.” Daniel let go of my arms and looked down at what was in my lap. “What’s that?”
“Daddy gave it to me. He said it would take care of me now.”
Anger bunched up Daniel’s face, and he wrenched the bear from my arms.
“Mine!” I tried to snatch it back.
He threw it across the room, and I tried to climb off the bed to get it.
“No, Brin-Brin.” He scolded me. “You don’t need that bear to take care of you. You have me.”
“You’ll be my bear?” I asked him.
He nodded. “Forever and ever.”
Every night after that, for months, he’d sit on the edge of my bed and hold my hand until I fell asleep.
“I have no idea what happened to that bear after that night. I never saw it again. I never looked for it. I didn’t need to.”
“Sabrina.” Alex reached for me, but I backed out of arm’s reach.
I’d already cried so many tears the neckline of my T-shirt was already soaked. My breathing was hitched, and my ears felt hot. Everything in my head was sluggish and thick…
“If he’s sending me this now, it’s because he knows h
e isn’t ever coming back.”
Even though I hated everything that bear represented, I clutched it against my chest with a sob so great it made my throat raw. “He can’t be my bear anymore, so he sent this one instead.”
More sobs forced their way out, and I slid down toward the floor until I was nothing but that three-year-old girl sitting on the floor, clutching a bear, and crying.
Dropping beside me, Alex moved so I was positioned between his legs and his body could surround mine. The warmth coming off his skin made me feel dead inside, which only made me cry harder.
“Kitten,” he said, his voice pained and helpless.
I turned into him, holding the bear between us, and openly wept until my voice went hoarse and my eyes nearly swelled shut.
I was trembling like a frail leaf about to be defeated by the winter wind when Alex drew back. Instead of clutching at him, I clutched at the bear.
Is this all I have left of my brother?
Is he really not coming back?
Alex’s hand felt especially large when it rubbed over my back in soothing motions. “Maybe it doesn’t mean what you think.”
“I know what this means,” I insisted. “It means he couldn’t find a way to end this, so he’s taking the only other solution he thinks he has. His life for mine.”
Alex was silent, his hand pausing in the center of my back.
Another sob ripped out of me because he knew I was right. It was exactly what my brother would do. There was nothing I could do to stop him.
The cold, hard fact was that it was probably already done.
The horror of that slapped me so hard I fell backward. Alex clutched at me, trying to keep me upright. Evading him, I scrambled to my feet, a wild, impatient feeling pummeling me. “When was this mailed?” I yelled. “I need to know how long ago he sent this!”
I rushed to the box, clutching the bear in one hand and grabbing the box with the other. It fell off the counter and banged on the floor with my jerky movements, and I started crying once more.
“Okay, hey.” Gently, Alex grabbed my arm and pulled me into his chest. I melted there, begging him to tell me the date.
Still holding me, he picked up the box and checked the outside. “It’s unmarked, sweetheart. No return address. No postmark. Nothing.”
“That’s impossible!” I denied, even though I knew it was entirely possible because my brother was involved.
“I have to know!” I fumed, pacing away from Alex. When he tried to grab me back, I used all my weight to shove him away.
My chest was heaving and my heart pounding when his quiet voice cut through my anguish.
“There’s a note.”
I spun so fast I tumbled over. Alex moved, grabbing me by the arm and keeping me on my feet.
“Let me see!” I snatched it out of his hand, staring down at the folded piece of paper.
It wasn’t anything fancy. There wasn’t even an envelope, and my name was scrawled across the front with a pen.
In that moment, it was the most prized possession I would ever have.
I unfolded the small sheet and stared down at the familiar handwriting. Fresh tears welled and rained over, making it impossible to read or see.
I held it out to Alex and begged, “Read it to me.”
“Maybe we should wait a few—”
“Read it, goddammit!” I yelled, then dissolved once more into a fit of tears.
Alex took the letter and cleared his throat. His eyes skimming the words before he read it out loud. A dark aura settled around him, and sorrow etched into every expression on his face.
Please don’t hate me for this. This is the only way I can keep the promise I made you.
I’ve always loved you more than anyone. Move on now and be happy.
—Daniel
“No!” I cried, lunging forward to rip the paper out of Alex’s hand. I read the words over and over again until they were burned into my broken soul.
“Why would he do this to me?” I asked Alex. “Why?”
“Because he loves you.”
“If this is love, then I don’t want it!” I raged, slapping the note down on the counter and moving away.
“You’re going to make yourself sick.” Alex worried, coming over to me. “Calm down.”
His arms tried to wrap around me and pull me close.
I turned and slammed my fists into his chest. “Calm down? My brother is dead because of me, and you want me to calm down!”
Alex let me pummel him. I hit him until the sides of my hands ached and my arms burned from exhaustion. Just before I slid into a puddle on the floor, he lifted me and cradled me against his chest.
Carrying me into the living room, he sat down on the couch, holding me in his lap.
A long time later, when I was so exhausted my eyes wouldn’t even open, I found the strength to speak. “Do you think he’s already dead?”
Alex didn’t say anything for a long time.
Finally, he gave me the truth. “Yes.”
I spent the rest of the night clutching the bear, while Alex clutched me.
Alex
Death isn’t hard for the deceased, but for the ones they leave behind.
I knew if Daniel sacrificed himself for his sister, it was because there was no other way out. He did what he had to do to ensure no one else would be coming for Sabrina. With him gone, there was no need to use her as revenge or a pawn.
She was safe now.
But she was broken.
And because of that, I sat awake for many nights, holding her as she cried, remembering my friend, and feeling like his death was for nothing.
Sabrina
I couldn’t sleep anymore. I’d slept so much it felt like a heavy weight now, like a suffocating Band-aid, not allowing a wound any kind of air.
I knew the air would burn. I knew waking up would hurt like hell and make me wish for sleep again. I couldn’t succumb any longer. I had something I needed to do.
What I needed was a jolt of life. A jumpstart to my crumbling heart.
The only thing that would give me that was the man lying beside me.
I didn’t know how long I’d been grieving. I didn’t know how many pounds of tears I’d cried. I couldn’t recall nights and days passing, but I did know, through it all, he’d been there.
His job of protecting me was over. The promise he’d made to my brother fulfilled. Still, I needed him. The spark only he could provide was the only thing that might keep me alive.
Beneath my cold hands, his skin was supple and warm. The contours of his body were still familiar, as were the sounds the sheets made when he turned toward me.
His hand cupped the side of my face, then brushed the unkempt hair away from my cheek.
“Hey,” he whispered, his voice thick with sleep.
I didn’t say anything, instead just gazing at his face through the dark.
“It’s the middle of the night,” he said. “What’s wrong?”
“Make love to me,” I whispered, my voice sounding foreign and raw to my own ears.
Alex didn’t hesitate or try to tell me it was too soon. He trusted the fact I knew what I needed and didn’t even blink when I told him it was him.
Sliding across the mattress, his nearly naked body met mine. The hand in my hair curled around the back of my neck, but he didn’t pull me close. Instead, he came to me.
At first, he was the one kissing, grazing his lips over mine. When he started to pull back, my hand slapped over his wrist and squeezed until he lowered his head again.
The warm, slightly rough feeling of his tongue dragged over my dry lips and elicited a sound of pleasure that gave me hope. Gradually, I started to kiss him back, greedily drinking in everything he so willingly gave.
When his hand pushed against my shoulder, I rolled, my body flat against the mattress as he rose above me.
His eyes were like a night-light in the dark, offering direction, guiding the way back to life. Though he was
between my legs, he didn’t enter my body. Instead, he kissed across my jaw, down my neck, and over my collarbone.
My aching body relaxed, going boneless beneath him, and I surrendered everything I had left. Alex kissed and stroked my body, doing such a careful and thorough job that when the first sparks of golden light erupted inside me, I almost seized in shock.
His patience was unmatched, skill level undefeated. The passion inside him coated me like a shadow. I started moving beneath him, writhing a little with every stroke and kiss he gave. Want and desire blossomed inside me, proving not all was completely lost.
When at last he joined our bodies, pain wasn’t far behind. Not because he was hurting me… but because he was proving to me I was still alive. That I could still feel deeply.
It was hard to accept life when someone you loved more than yourself was no longer living. It was hard to even fathom how you could move on when that meant you had to let go.
The sensation of him filling me up made me feel less empty. The rocking motion of his hips as he thrust deep soothed my roughest edges.
When I thought he might rise farther above me, he didn’t. Sliding his arm under my body, he lifted me off the mattress, holding me against his chest, and pushed deep. There wasn’t a part of us that wasn’t touching, every inch of me against every inch of him.
Tilting his hips, his rigid length rubbed against a spot inside me, and pleasure bloomed over my body. I moaned as I felt it spreading like the sun on a new morning, the warmth and life of the orgasm diffusing the very worst of my pain.
We stayed linked for a long while after we’d both finished. Feeling his heart beating against mine was comforting and reminded me that I was still alive.
Finally, he rolled, taking me with him. I stayed in his arms until he drifted back to sleep.
Slowly, I slid out from under him, staring down at his handsome face.
“Thank you,” I whispered, kissing my fingers, then gently holding them to his lips.
Slipping out of bed, I dressed in the dark, seeing clearly, as if I were standing in the light. After grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter, I stood at the back door, glancing back toward the bedroom.
I knew he would be angry when he woke up and found me gone, but this was something I needed to do.
Subzero (BearPaw Resort Book 4) Page 23