by BA Tortuga
“Wow. Hi. I’m Alice.”
Tucker’s dad walked over, the man proving that was where Tucker got his solid build, his strength. “I’m Donnie. Pleased.”
He saw Donnie’s eyes go wide at the sight of his eye shadow.
“Hello, Alice. Donnie.” Tucker’s dad was handsome. He gave the man a smile. “I’m Calvin.” He definitely saw the genetics, and Donnie had a presence about him that reminded him a bit of Tucker, but he wasn’t getting the personality vibe from either of them.
Donnie held out one hand, shook with him, and it wasn’t too hard or forceful. Just a handshake.
Alice didn’t shake his hand. She was wandering around the house, looking at the paintings. “Where did the rest go? Did you send them to Marge? These are different than your normal. Have you decided to move on from the horror shtick?”
Donnie rolled his eyes, shook his head. “Artists.”
He felt Tucker tense and glanced at him, watched Tucker’s teeth clench and the muscles pop in that strong jaw.
“Tucker did a whole series of these after we made love one night. Aren’t they beautiful?” Time to go, Mom.
“They’re emotional enough, I suppose. You need to watch your lines. The perspective is—”
“Not open to your critique. They’re not yours. They belong to Calvin.” Tucker sounded very firm.
“Seriously? Impressive.”
Donnie sighed softly. “They do this. They’ve always done this. Ignore them. Son, can I make myself a cup of coffee?”
“Of course.”
Oh. Coffee. So they were staying a while? And what the hell was so impressive? “You do know Tucker is a professional, right, Alice? I mean, that’s not up for debate.” He should break them up. Take Alice out for a walk around the pool. Distract her.
“I know he makes a living using his talent for shock value.”
“Alice, we’re here to meet Tuck’s new friend.”
“Lover, Dad.”
“Yes.” Don went to make a cup of coffee.
New friend? This wasn’t a fucking playdate. Tucker was a grown man. A grown man in love.
“Listen, Alice. I appreciate that you wanted to meet me, but dropping in like this… the timing isn’t the best. Tucker’s got work to do. Do you think we could maybe arrange to have dinner sometime instead? I’ll be happy to tell you whatever you want to know.”
“Are you dating him for his money?”
“Nope. I’m dating him for his. That and his amazing… ice skating ability.” Tucker met his eyes, the look wicked as hell.
Calvin bit his lip and grinned back at his lover, sharing the joke. “I’m one hell of a skating partner.” He looked over at Alice. “I’m a model in New York. I’m skinny for work, not because I can’t afford to eat, Alice. I have absolutely no interest in his money. Tucker’s work would be just as stunning if he were broke, and so would he.”
Don looked over at him, and Calvin swore the man looked pleased. “I don’t know. It used to cost a fortune to feed him when he was a teenager.”
Okay. So it wasn’t really Dad. Calvin just might be winning Don over. It was all about Alice. “He still has a good appetite when he remembers to eat. Right, baby?”
“Uh-huh. I like how you make eggs.”
“Son, have you considered trying the technique where you grid the images off?”
“Leave it alone. I have my own style.” Tucker disappeared deeper into the house, Alice on his heels.
“You know, it’s funny, but I think they love each other. She wants him to be more like her; he wants her to understand him. Neither one of them are ever going to get what they want.” Donnie simply didn’t look too concerned.
He could relate to that; his parents weren’t ever going to get him either. If they’d had their way, they’d have changed him. “He’s not great at putting this stuff into words. You kind of have to… interpret, I guess? Be perceptive. Watch him. It’s weird that another artist wouldn’t get that. Doesn’t seem like she wants to try.”
“Doesn’t seem like he does either. They fight. They always have. They’re not talking the same language.”
“Marge says you had a problem in—” Alice was shrill as hell.
“If Marge needs to talk to me, she can call! Those canvases were mine to destroy or not!”
“You destroyed your work? For what? A temper tantrum? It’s ridiculous! You’re a grown man, and you need to stop acting like a goofy child. I should have made you go to public school and become an engineer. At least then I wouldn’t have to worry about you wandering off and getting lost in your own head. I worry about you.”
“Go home, Momma. I’m tired of playing with you. You don’t like the new work. Big whoop. You haven’t liked anything I’ve painted in years. Just go home. I’m fine. I’m not wandering anywhere. I’m right here.”
He looked at Don. “I think you guys better go.” He heard their voices well enough but couldn’t figure out which room they’d gone into. He wound around corners trying to find them. “Tucker?”
He heard a door slam somewhere behind him, and then he heard Don’s voice. “She’s having a hard time, son. You know that.”
“She’s had a hard time forever. That’s not my fault. Just go on, and I’ll come over for supper or something in a few weeks. She can tell me how to do my job and explain that she’s not as successful because she had to spend the best years of her life raising an ungrateful child.”
“Stop it. She just wanted to see you. I’ll come over in a few days and take both y’all to breakfast, just the three of us.”
A hard time with what? Where the fuck were they? Jesus. Sometimes these fucking walls….
He turned another corner and saw them, Tucker’s face as dark as Calvin had ever seen it. Darker. “You guys better go, Don. Call about breakfast. We’ll see where we are with things.” He moved gently to Tucker’s side, drew a hand down his lover’s arm and felt it tremble. “I’m here, tiger.”
“Love you, son. It was nice to meet you, Calvin. I look forward to getting to know you.” Donnie nodded to them, then disappeared behind another wall.
Sometimes it made him crazy how you couldn’t see anything, how this place was a maze.
So if Tucker’s parents overheard something they shouldn’t, too damn bad. “Hey. They’re going. They’re gone, okay?”
“I’m cool. Really. She just… we’re… I don’t know.”
“You’re locked. You want different things.” And angry. They were both angry. “What did your dad mean ‘she’s having a hard time’?”
“She’s a psychotic. Literally. She takes the drugs. Mostly she does okay, but not with me. There’s something about me that… I don’t know. I’m what’s wrong with her.”
“Your dad said she wants you to be more like her. You’re not what’s wrong with her. You’re just not what she wants you to be. And that’s too damn bad. Parents don’t get to choose.”
“No. No, they don’t. I just…. It’s no big deal. She’s unhappy. She’s brilliant. She wants me to be more than I am.”
For herself or for Tucker? “If you’re upset, if she gets to you, it’s a big deal. If you need to let it go for now, fine. But don’t pretend like it’s not a thing.”
“She thinks I’m a hack. A shock-jock artist. Dirty.”
He nodded. He’d heard her say as much. “I’m sorry, Tucker. Some people only see what they want to.”
“Yeah.” There was a wealth of hurt in that single word. “You look amazing, did I mention?”
“Best I could do on short notice. You may have mentioned that you liked the glitter.” He’d let Tucker change the subject. For now. “I actually missed this. It was a crappy excuse to do myself up, but I’m glad I did it. It feels good.”
“You’re gorgeous. I’m going to miss you when you go back to work. I’m not asking you not to go, just telling the truth.”
Oh God. He still had, like, ten days, right? They didn’t need to do this yet, did they?
Now? “I’m going to miss you too. And I won’t pressure you to come with me. You’re welcome, but I know that you…. I understand this place, the house. I know you need it.”
Nothing about their relationship was conventional. They would make it work. They were creative, right?
“I don’t know that Tim wants me at your place, full-time. We’ll see what we can work out. The studio’s still mine, but…. We got this.”
“No. No way, Timmy would flip. Plus you can’t work in my tiny place.” He shook his head. “But we got this.” He nodded. He leaned into Tucker, gave him a smile. “Now that the place is quiet again, what do you want to do? You wanted to work? I can make some phone calls. You want to swim later, maybe?”
“I totally want to swim later. We could make turkey burgers on the grill. I want to play with you, splash, but I need to go work. She makes me feel like a stupid little boy.”
“I get it. But for what it’s worth, you are no little boy.” He gave the bulge in Tucker’s shorts a squeeze. “I’ll make the burgers and stuff. Make some calls. I might even catch a nap in the shade. All good.”
“I’m going to the barn. I want to get dirty. Think about lightbulbs and reflections.”
He smiled. That was just what Tucker should do. “Good. Go get dirty. Do your thing, tiger. I love you.”
“I love you.” Tucker kissed him, the connection just a tiny bit worried.
Calvin gave Tucker a pat on the butt and sent the cowboy off with a smile that felt unsettled on him as well. They just needed to ground. Tucker would get lost in his work, and he’d call Zoe and Timmy and dish for a while, then give himself a manicure and paint his nails. By dinner they’d both be more themselves.
Chapter Twenty-Six
TUCKER THREW paint at one canvas, letting his grumpy out on it, letting the shapes speak to him while the music throbbed and wailed all around. Goddamn it. Goddamn everything.
Goddamn….
Oh.
He stopped, looking at the shapes he’d made. Oh. Oh, that curve was nice. He grabbed his palette knife and drew around it, the yellow piercing the red. Oh.
Oh.
He laughed and kicked his shoes off, a tiny little face appearing in the curve. Light pollution.
Before he knew it, the faces were everywhere—staring and watching and laughing, hungry and horny and unbelievably joyous. Hello, little friends! So nice to meet you. You look like you might bite.
One of the wide-eyed ones tilted its head at him as if Tucker had planted a seed, and slowly, very slowly, it grew fangs. Great bright white monstrosities that began dripping with thick black blood. He shook his head, took a deep breath, then another.
The music got faster as the next demon crept around the edge of the lightbulb, claws scratching the glass.
That one was quickly followed by another, moving fluidly from the bottom of the canvas up and over the base of the bulb. This one narrowed its eyes at him and began tapping on the fragile glass with a filthy pointed fingernail.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Stop it. Stop it. No. It had been okay. He’d been okay.
Tucker wanted out, but he knew… he knew if he ran now…. What if that let them loose?
What if they got to Calvin?
“They can’t get out. They’re not real.”
Tap.
Tap.
The glass shattered, splintering outward into a thousand tiny, dangerous shards.
He screamed, the sound tearing from him. “You’re not real! Leave me alone! You’re not—”
“Tiger?”
Oh God.
Stop it. You fucking stop it right now. You’ll scare him. You’ll make him think you’re unstable. Hide your motherfucking crazy, Tuck. Please. “W-working.”
“You okay? I thought I heard a… whoa. Demons are back. Ooh. He’s creepy.” Calvin got a little too close to that one with the nails.
“Be careful!” He looked at Calvin, pulled him away. “It bites.”
Calvin laughed and kissed the side of his neck, shouting over the music. “I’m not scared of your demons. I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t hurt yourself. You didn’t yell something?” Calvin leaned around him and shut off the radio, the sudden silence jarring as all get-out.
“I…. Yeah. Yeah, I….”
Calvin’s hand settled him, down to the bone, and he took a deep breath.
“Tucker? What’s the matter? Look at me.”
“Please. I’m… let’s go somewhere else.”
“Come on.” Calvin took his hand and led him, sure and steady, out of the barn.
“Sorry. Sorry, I got all… I got all caught up in my own head. Stupid. It’s just… it’s just stupid.”
“It’s how you work, Tucker. It’s a little scary sometimes to me, because I don’t always like to see you disappear like that, but it’s not stupid.”
Tucker stared at Calvin, the words sinking into him for a second. “Sometimes I think they’re trying to get me. They’re so real.”
Believe me. Please.
Calvin stopped halfway between the barn and the house and squinted at him in the sun. “They don’t come from out here, Tucker. They come from in here.” Calvin rubbed his chest. “Maybe that’s why they feel real? Wherever they come from inside you is completely real.”
“I’m not insane, Calvin. I swear. I just…. It doesn’t…. Christ.” Tucker took a deep breath, in and out. “Wherever they come from, sometimes I get caught in them.” His cheeks were on fire.
“You… they’re….” Calvin sighed. “Sorry. I just want to ask the right question. You lose control?”
“No. I get scared, startled. I see them, but I know they’re not real. I know it.” He wasn’t a bad man. He wasn’t dangerous.
“If you know they’re not real, how could you possibly be insane? I don’t think you’re crazy. I just sleep through my nightmares, and you don’t. You paint them.”
If you know they’re not real, how could you possibly be insane? The words bounced inside him, rocking around, becoming louder and louder. Echoing.
He knew they weren’t real. They wanted to be, but they weren’t.
Tucker took a deep breath, filling his lungs with sunshine and wind and Calvin. Right.
Right.
He knew why that demon had tried to bite him. Not Mom. Not the art. Tucker didn’t want Calvin to leave without him.
“Let me come with you, when you go?” The question was the easiest one he’d ever asked.
Calvin saw through the paint, and he needed that. Now. Later. Always.
“Please come with me? I’m better when I know you’re around. I don’t feel like I’m falling all the time.”
“Yes.” Tucker nodded, closed his eyes for a second, then smiled. “Yes. If we fall, we go together.”
Calvin’s arms went around his waist and hugged him. “We’ll come back. We’ll stay a little in the city, and then we’ll come back here for a bit. I need some of this too. I’ll talk to Michael.”
“Okay.” He had the studio. He could paint anywhere. “We can be whatever we need to. Damn the demons.”
“We can.” Calvin touched his face and seemed to be looking for something in his eyes. “See? You were right. We’ve got this.”
He picked Calvin up, leaning in to breathe his lover in. Someone smelled like sunshine. “Can we have burgers now? Swim?”
Calvin laughed, hands going around his neck. “Both, Tarzan.”
“Mmm. Both. You’re good to me.” He got his double handful and squeezed. Then he gave Calvin the best Tarzan yell he could manage.
“Stop that! Oh my God. Put me down, you ape.” Calvin kicked his feet, but the kiss that landed on his lips belied his lover’s protests.
“No. Me Tarzan. You can be the ape. You’re totally not Jane.”
“I can play Jane, though.” Calvin batted glittery eyelids at him. “I liked our superhero discussion better, I think.”
“I mentioned I liked the glitter, huh? I like how
you paint yourself.” He wondered if Calvin would let him try to paint him. On him.
“Thanks, tiger. It’s fun. We’ll have to go out again in the city. Dancing. Right? Now put me down. You start the grill. I’ll get the burgers.”
“Yes, sir.” He put Calvin down with a kiss, then stripped off his shirt and wiped the paint off his hands with it. “Lord have mercy, the sun feels good.”
“The sun is not my friend for the next ten days. I better put on some sunscreen too. I’m wondering if I should just start going around naked like you do. No tan lines.” Calvin grinned at him. “Oh, and watch the marks, lover.”
“I know. Bummer.” He winked over, letting Calvin see that he got it, that he heard. “Would you let me paint you?”
“Oh.” Calvin’s expression was suddenly a little pained. “Um…. Tucker, I’m just not feeling very… confident right now. You know? I need to get back to work first. But after… I mean, I think we could talk about it.”
“Huh?” He frowned over. What had he said wrong? “Oh. Oh, no. I mean not of you, on you. Like, just to play. I just… you know. You paint on you. I could play too.”
“Oh!” The little cloud lifted off Calvin’s forehead. “Oh, sure. Yes. That would be fun! Let’s do that.”
“I haven’t, you know. Not since you asked. I can’t promise I never will, because it happens. It just pours out of me, and I won’t lie, but I’ve tried really hard.” He didn’t understand, but it was important to Calvin, so he tried.
“At all? But you said….” Calvin sighed. “It doesn’t matter. We both said stupid shit. That doesn’t matter. It’s all different now. You could if you wanted to, I just need to… I’m worried about this shoot, Tucker. I need it to go well. For me, you know? And then I think maybe we could try it.”
“I said I couldn’t promise. I don’t ever want to lie to you. And you look amazing. Healthy. Happy. I know you’ll worry, but I think you make ugly underwear look nice.” He thought Calvin was perfect, but he was biased.